I think my wife is gay...really need advice

LegacyUser

Not sure if this is the right place to ask this so feel free to move it.

Basically my wife and I don't have the most sexual of relationships (never did), we maybe have sex twice a year, long story short....I was in counselling for a while and this came up and something the counsellor asked was "is she gay?" At the time I was asked this I had become a bit concerned about what I would consider an unhealthy obsession with one of her (female) friends, even to the point where she wasn't coming home and was sharing her bed, for a while I genuinely thought they were having an affair (too long to go into here). If ever I make a joke about her and another woman and she totally overreacts (bit of "the lady doth protest too much").

I had put all this to the back of my mind as something that was totally ridiculous until we were on holidays recently and I saw her looking at another girl when she didn't think I was looking, this wasn't just a casual glance, it was a way I haven't seen her look at anybody (including me) in years.

The thing about all this is if she's gay then OK, I'm not going to make life hard for her and I'll wish her every happiness but sometimes I think I'm just being kept around as a cover. I know if I confront her she'll just totally deny it but maybe if she can accept who she is she can move on and be happy (I'm even happy to stay around while she comes to terms with it). The question I really have is to those girls/guys who were married before, what was it that finally brought it home to you or made you realise it was better to live in truth?

Acoustic

first off

sex twice a year ???? why would you even stay there in first place ??? i dont mean to sound shallow or an ass , but sex is 1 of the fundamentals of any longterm thing

personally speaking , id get out of it but thats just me

best of luck with whatever u do

eatmorefruit

Hello
I read your post and wish to reply. I am a lesbian and am familiar with what you are experiencing.
You need to communicate with your wife. Openly and honestly. Given that you have had sex twice in a year tells me that you love each other but, are not happy. Because you have had very little intimacy is not reason to bail out. As we all know-relationships are not solely about sex. Intamicy is important in a relationship but, it is not everything. If you are willing to stand by her-she is a very fortunate woman. Discovering that you are gay/ or coming to terms with this issue is not easy...it can be overwhelming-particularly if you are in a heterosexual relationship. You sound as though you are a sensitive, patient and compassionate man. Give her the means by which to tell you what she is feeling. Talk to each other. I know it cannot be easy but, in the end...you both will be happier. All the best.

shoegirl

Ask her.

But not in an agressive fashion, put it in the manner of, "I know you probably might not like to hear this question but I was just wondering if you think maybe you might be more attracted to women than men?"

If she says yes, you'll need to be prepared. Just remember that its not you.

cotwold

Acoustic wrote: »

first off

sex twice a year ???? why would you even stay there in first place ??? i dont mean to sound shallow or an ass , but sex is 1 of the fundamentals of any longterm thing

personally speaking , id get out of it but thats just me

best of luck with whatever u do

That's not very helpful, there are people and couples to whom sex doesn't constitute a fundamental part of their relationship.

As for the op, I suggest to try to get your wife to go to couples' counseling. It might be easier for you wife to open up to a professional than you (as strange as that is) and the counselor can reassure your wife of your support. I have to say i admire your strength, you're dealing it with it very well. She's lucky to have someone that supports her so much.

dny123456

Acoustic wrote: »

first off

sex twice a year ???? why would you even stay there in first place ??? i dont mean to sound shallow or an ass , but sex is 1 of the fundamentals of any longterm thing

personally speaking , id get out of it but thats just me

best of luck with whatever u do

Sex is over rated... there are far more important things, as I think the OP realizes, when he says he'll stick by her, as she comes to terms with things.

OP, could you suggest a threesome, with another female? Maybe that would be a way to get her to admit to you and to herself, that she might be interested in samesex sexual relations. Doesn't make her gay by the way.... don't be too quick to label her. Sexuality can be complex.

smileykey

God you seem to be such a nice guy, too nice for your own good. If it does turn out that she is gay then it is not your responsibility to hang around while she comes to terms with it, do you really want to be there while she meets and falls for her first GF? I think you should talk to her and bring it from there but remember that you have to think about yourself and look after yourself too.

Max Power1

dny123456 wrote: »

OP, could you suggest a threesome, with another female? Maybe that would be a way to get her to admit to you and to herself, .

Oh yes, because that worked out great for Ross and Carol in "friends"
:D

Seriously though, better off to just ask her directly rather than skirting around the subject as mentioned above.

cotwold

dny123456 wrote: »

OP, could you suggest a threesome, with another female?

Max Power1 wrote: »

Oh yes, because that worked out great for Ross and Carol in "friends"
:D

That's exactly what i thought of when he said that.:)

dny123456

Max Power1 wrote: »

Oh yes, because that worked out great for Ross and Carol in "friends"
:D

Don't know that one... but you'd be surprised how common it is (well I can only speak for 'straight' men, with understanding girlfriends... not the other way round)!