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Relationship advice

  • 30-03-2009 8:04pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11


    how do you stop yourself becoming totally consumed in a relationship so much so that thought of not being with someone seems like the end of the world.?????


«1

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 726 ✭✭✭Mr. Frost


    Find a hobby or get involved in other things you're interested in. Stop spending every waking moment together.

    Failing that, you'll realize if/when you break up with that person.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    Marry them! Seems to cure it quick enough :cool:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    lol don't think marriage is an option. my head knows one thing but my heart does its own thing. i seem to think if i do everything and say nothing, it will make someone love me but should have realised by now it doesn't work that way. sorry for being a moaning minnie- just having a down evening reflecting on stuff.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Find the person of your dreams and you can be mutually obsessed with each other (and no, marriage does not 'cure it', not that you would want to), I know, easier said than done but there are some real gems out there...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    cuggles69 wrote: »
    lol don't think marriage is an option. my head knows one thing but my heart does its own thing. i seem to think if i do everything and say nothing, it will make someone love me but should have realised by now it doesn't work that way. sorry for being a moaning minnie- just having a down evening reflecting on stuff.

    In the words of the fabulous Georgie boy.....


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    and no, marriage does not 'cure it',

    I beg to differ...marriage can totally cure the obsessional feelings! Not for everyone but for some....I'll concede that it's an expensive way of doing it though :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    I beg to differ...marriage can totally cure the obsessional feelings! Not for everyone but for some....I'll concede that it's an expensive way of doing it though :D
    I am afraid that my husband and I are so in to one another it is scary, we could easily spend days in one anothers company with only 10 minute breaks in the day...we are only married 27 months and together 11 years 4.5 months though so it could change. Being totally in love with someone is great :D You just have to find them first. My other half is just that, half of me (and I am half of him)...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Heathen


    cuggles69 wrote: »
    how do you stop yourself becoming totally consumed in a relationship so much so that thought of not being with someone seems like the end of the world.?????


    it dont just happen to girls im afraid... happened to me a few years ago.. got so much into a girl i was with for years, and when we broke up i was shattered for about a year.. completely changed my life. im now a completely different person and wouldn't even recognize myself from a few years ago if i passed me walking down the street.. after being pissed about by a few girls in my life i have grown a kind of thick skin when it comes to relationships (that might be a bad thing though cos maybe i dont let women into my life as much as i should do now?? ) but i found that by getting out and meeting other people and doing outdoor stuff like jogging and swimmin in the summer and even martial arts clubs sorted me right out.. :D

    hope tomorrow is a better day for ya !! ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    hmmmm if i'm this obsessed at relationship stage, i'd be dangerous marriage material. why didn't i heed my mother's advice when she said always hold a bit of yourself back. hurts too much my way. even as bad as i am i even know marriage would be a disaster, (not that it's even an option) lol. Anyone knows any good self assertiveness course????


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    that's lovely, and that's what i wish i could find, the other half of me. (hopefully he won't be as pysho as me tho lol)!!!!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    Heathen wrote: »
    it dont just happen to girls im afraid... happened to me a few years ago.. got so much into a girl i was with for years, and when we broke up i was shattered for about a year.. completely changed my life. im now a completely different person and wouldn't even recognize myself from a few years ago if i passed me walking down the street.. after being pissed about by a few girls in my life i have grown a kind of thick skin when it comes to relationships (that might be a bad thing though cos maybe i dont let women into my life as much as i should do now?? ) but i found that by getting out and meeting other people and doing outdoor stuff like jogging and swimmin in the summer and even martial arts clubs sorted me right out.. :D

    hope tomorrow is a better day for ya !! ;)

    Thanks so do I,I hope. I really need a thick skin, could never manage it no matter how hurt i've been tho. but shur onwards and hopefully upwards.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    I used to be really scared at the begining of a relationship, I used to get very attached even though I tried not to but was scared of putting everything in if that made any sense...eventually I realised that you have to put everything into a long term serious relationship to make it work...if that makes any sense. You will find your other half, dont worry...I did :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    I am afraid that my husband and I are so in to one another it is scary, we could easily spend days in one anothers company with only 10 minute breaks in the day...we are only married 27 months and together 11 years 4.5 months though so it could change. Being totally in love with someone is great :D You just have to find them first. My other half is just that, half of me (and I am half of him)...

    I am pleased that you have a partner whereby you both feel this way. I have been in this boat but it sank :rolleyes: and now I prefer to be 100% of me and 100% of him. My personal opinion is that you need to both bring everything to the party not 50% hoping to find another 50% that matches you.

    But anyway, that's all opinionated idle chat.

    Not sure what's brought on the moody mood OP but gin also helps :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Heathen


    cuggles69 wrote: »
    Thanks so do I,I hope. I really need a thick skin, could never manage it no matter how hurt i've been tho. but shur onwards and hopefully upwards.

    yea i never saw myself as hard skinned before but i guess i just got messed around one times too many and cracked.. now i reckon i just cant trust anyone anymore so i dont give myself the risk of ever being hurt again..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    I am pleased that you have a partner whereby you both feel this way. I have been in this boat but it sank :rolleyes: and now I prefer to be 100% of me and 100% of him. My personal opinion is that you need to both bring everything to the party not 50% hoping to find another 50% that matches you.

    But anyway, that's all opinionated idle chat.

    Not sure what's brought on the moody mood OP but gin also helps :D
    I can see where you are coming from - we just merged though, we have been through a lot together, I cant tell where he ends and I begin, we complement one another - fate just wanted us together. There is someone for everyone.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Heathen wrote: »
    yea i never saw myself as hard skinned before but i guess i just got messed around one times too many and cracked.. now i reckon i just cant trust anyone anymore so i dont give myself the risk of ever being hurt again..
    True love is a huge risk but the potential rewards are huge...I know that it is hard but you have to take that chance...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    i've tried to hold back but dat's like asking the sun not to rise every morning. I've always tried to be a pleaser and hate confrontation so i tend to overlook stuff that would have most people running for the hills. but even overlooking it doesn't work as it turns out = they all seem to go for stronger women. suppose i don't respect myself for overlooking everythin so can't really expect anyone else to respect me either. It just seems so easy for some people - they meet, fall in love, marry, have kids. In this case i know its me that needs to change but can't get my nerve up to stand up for myself. i don't want to be playing mind games, i just want to be me but that hasn't seemed to work so far. :confused::confused: sorry for the woe is me thread but thanks for the replies.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    I can see where you are coming from - we just merged though, we have been through a lot together, I cant tell where he ends and I begin, we complement one another - fate just wanted us together. There is someone for everyone.

    Don't mean to hijack but hope it's still along the OP's post...

    Are you not worried about what will happen to the other when one of you dies being like this?? Genuine question that has always made me wonder. I know people who didn't even know how to pay bills or whatever when their OH disappeared and I think it's really weird.

    My mum and dad are married/together almost 46 years but are still very, very separate, independant people.

    And this is actually a compliment to you, but I doubt that 'fate' wanted you together, I'm pretty sure that you both put some good hard work into it too :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    cuggles69 wrote: »
    i've tried to hold back but dat's like asking the sun not to rise every morning. I've always tried to be a pleaser and hate confrontation so i tend to overlook stuff that would have most people running for the hills. but even overlooking it doesn't work as it turns out = they all seem to go for stronger women. suppose i don't respect myself for overlooking everythin so can't really expect anyone else to respect me either. It just seems so easy for some people - they meet, fall in love, marry, have kids. In this case i know its me that needs to change but can't get my nerve up to stand up for myself. i don't want to be playing mind games, i just want to be me but that hasn't seemed to work so far. :confused::confused: sorry for the woe is me thread but thanks for the replies.

    It's not always easy OP...that's the stuff of Hallmark cards! And honestly, don't be a people pleaser....compromise by all means but don't be a doormat. You earn zero respect and love for that, I should know. I'm about to divorce one :rolleyes:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    It's not always easy OP...that's the stuff of Hallmark cards! And honestly, don't be a people pleaser....compromise by all means but don't be a doormat. You earn zero respect and love for that, I should know. I'm about to divorce one :rolleyes:
    tanx for being so honest. think its too late for relationship i'm in tho for me to change - think only reason it lasted this long was cos of me being a doormat. hopefully i can mend my ways. :o


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Don't mean to hijack but hope it's still along the OP's post...

    Are you not worried about what will happen to the other when one of you dies being like this?? Genuine question that has always made me wonder. I know people who didn't even know how to pay bills or whatever when their OH disappeared and I think it's really weird.

    My mum and dad are married/together almost 46 years but are still very, very separate, independant people.

    And this is actually a compliment to you, but I doubt that 'fate' wanted you together, I'm pretty sure that you both put some good hard work into it too :)
    That actually hit a cord, I am a 25 month cancer survivor so have faced death, I actually tried to find someone else for my husband at various stages, he is capable of deep love so I know that he can find love again (though he does not agree)...I do sort of know how to pay the bills though (I hope!).

    Oh, live is not like a card, if you knew half of what we went through to get to the happy state we are in now. Some men do not turn from frogs into princes until you kiss them a few times...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    That actually hit a cord, I am a 25 month cancer survivor so have faced death, I actually tried to find someone else for my husband at various stages, he is capable of deep love so I know that he can find love again (though he does not agree)...I do sort of know how to pay the bills though (I hope!).

    Oh, live is not like a card, if you knew half of what we went through to get to the happy state we are in now. Some men do not turn from frogs into princes until you kiss them a few times...
    ur very brave - to face what you did and still want to make sure your husband was happy. i have tried to kiss my frog but unfortunately i think he's not as ready for a relationship as i am. great to hear such a strong love story as yours. that is what i want - to have someone by my side who is not only my love but my friend and rock when i need to face tough decisions. thanks for sharing. My oh doesn't know everyting bout my life - how i battled an eating disorder - he has no idea bout it - i've tried to alter my appearance to make me fit in and be happy but that didn't work. although my eating disorder is still there and at times of stress rears its ugly head again, my confidence in me as a person has never been great and i think that's why i'm so needy. feeling loved makes me feel good.

    Your post is an inspiration tho. i hope one day i can say that iv found a love as deep as yours.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    cuggles69 wrote: »
    ur very brave - to face what you did and still want to make sure your husband was happy. i have tried to kiss my frog but unfortunately i think he's not as ready for a relationship as i am. great to hear such a strong love story as yours. that is what i want - to have someone by my side who is not only my love but my friend and rock when i need to face tough decisions. thanks for sharing. My oh doesn't know everyting bout my life - how i battled an eating disorder - he has no idea bout it - i've tried to alter my appearance to make me fit in and be happy but that didn't work. although my eating disorder is still there and at times of stress rears its ugly head again, my confidence in me as a person has never been great and i think that's why i'm so needy. feeling loved makes me feel good.

    Your post is an inspiration tho. i hope one day i can say that iv found a love as deep as yours.
    We all need love though and if someone does not love you for who you are then they are not worthy of your love...trust me, there are some really great people out there who will love you for you, though the right person will also make you want to be a better person...I have my prince beside me now, he looks gorgeous and there is a real spark but also I know that he is mine and I am his and that he will always protect me (and me him)...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    That actually hit a cord, I am a 25 month cancer survivor so have faced death, I actually tried to find someone else for my husband at various stages, he is capable of deep love so I know that he can find love again (though he does not agree)...I do sort of know how to pay the bills though (I hope!).

    Oh, live is not like a card, if you knew half of what we went through to get to the happy state we are in now. Some men do not turn from frogs into princes until you kiss them a few times...

    I'm really, really pleased for you. I know mum and dad have been through some bloody hard times as well as a couple of heart attacks and all sorts of things and they are insane about each other.

    But I also know that they work at their relationship...it does worry and upset me when people make out that life needs to be ALL about having a partner and that there is only one 'soulmate' for you etc, etc..

    I hope you have a long and happy life together cathymoran..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    I'm really, really pleased for you. I know mum and dad have been through some bloody hard times as well as a couple of heart attacks and all sorts of things and they are insane about each other.

    But I also know that they work at their relationship...it does worry and upset me when people make out that life needs to be ALL about having a partner and that there is only one 'soulmate' for you etc, etc..

    I hope you have a long and happy life together cathymoran..


    i ditto that cathy. i don't know bout soulmates but i know i feel better when i'm feeling loved. thanks a mill to ye both for the replies - ye are both so strong and have made me rethink my ways a bit


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    I'm really, really pleased for you. I know mum and dad have been through some bloody hard times as well as a couple of heart attacks and all sorts of things and they are insane about each other.

    But I also know that they work at their relationship...it does worry and upset me when people make out that life needs to be ALL about having a partner and that there is only one 'soulmate' for you etc, etc..

    I hope you have a long and happy life together cathymoran..
    We dont take life for granted, both of us have serious long term illnesses as well! No, life is not all about finding the one, but if you do find a one then it is wonderful...while it may seem like work to other people, it is like breathing if you are with the right person. Thanks for the good wishes btw. You just know when you are with the right person, though you may not know straight away...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,092 ✭✭✭pseudonym1


    I totally hear you OP. after giving everything and comprimising myself for someone I once loved-AKA psycho possessive girlfriend... decided my next relationship I will be consumed but not obsessed. NOT spend all my time with thinking about OH. Easier said then done but thankfully have some good friends and would never wish to / be allowed to spend all my time and energy on OH again. My mother gave me the same as advice your got: hold something back for youself...sadly, it fell on deaf ears.

    Keeping that bit; be it a hobby, meeting upwith mates or at justhome grooming. Allows for a certain self esteem and fulfilment that no other can instill. Its important that you are equally if not more important to yourself than OH. Your happiness is paramount and only you can achieve that by being nice to yourself and as mama said keep a bit for your self cant hurry love.

    That was my experience


    BTW FOA Cathy Moran. I love to read your posts the love you declare is what most of us dream of.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,756 ✭✭✭Jules


    moved from tLL!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Heathen


    Heathen wrote: »
    yea i never saw myself as hard skinned before but i guess i just got messed around one times too many and cracked.. now i reckon i just cant trust anyone anymore so i dont give myself the risk of ever being hurt again..
    CathyMoran wrote: »
    True love is a huge risk but the potential rewards are huge...I know that it is hard but you have to take that chance...

    Very true Cathy!! im sure when the day comes that i meet the right girl i will open up again.. its just the whole thing of "once bitten twice shy" with me at the moment.. but your right when the result outweighs the risk im sure i will open up again :D


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11 cuggles69


    pseudonym1 wrote: »
    I totally hear you OP. after giving everything and comprimising myself for someone I once loved-AKA psycho possessive girlfriend... decided my next relationship I will be consumed but not obsessed. NOT spend all my time with thinking about OH. Easier said then done but thankfully have some good friends and would never wish to / be allowed to spend all my time and energy on OH again. My mother gave me the same as advice your got: hold something back for youself...sadly, it fell on deaf ears.

    Keeping that bit; be it a hobby, meeting upwith mates or at justhome grooming. Allows for a certain self esteem and fulfilment that no other can instill. Its important that you are equally if not more important to yourself than OH. Your happiness is paramount and only you can achieve that by being nice to yourself and as mama said keep a bit for your self cant hurry love.

    That was my experience


    BTW FOA Cathy Moran. I love to read your posts the love you declare is what most of us dream of.



    Yeah I know you're right and when I look at myself I make myself sick that I'm such a wimpy nicey nicey person. I think if I do everything and accept anything that surely someone will love me. Unfortunately in my saner moments I know that's furthest from the truth. A lot of my friends are married now but I know the only thing stopping me going forward is me.

    Thanks for your post and I wish you luck in your future.


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