Asking parents/fathers permission to marry

Orla K

How would you feel about him asking.

I seen a tread somewhere else, most if not all my friends wouldn't be happy with him asking them first.



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holdmyhand?

i reckon if we had discussed it first, like 'lets get married' etc. then i think its only respectful for the guy to ask. like my dads not the old fashioned type, but mostly being a single parent he doz look out for me. i think if it is coming near getting engaged time, the guy will hopefully have been around your family and will hopefully know weather or not its expected

Pherekydes

Assuming the lady in question is an adult, then she, and she alone, should be asked.

Terodil

Assuming that men may (or will at least) vote on this as well, I'd have appreciated a more neutrally-phrased question. I clicked 'you' meaning 'the woman'. The parents have absolutely no relevance in this.

SeekUp

Permission? Tricky word.

There was a post on the other thread along the lines of a couple becoming engaged on their own, but then asking (both sets of) parents for their blessing before telling anyone else about the engagement. I think that's lovely, and does away with the whole "can I marry your daughter" thing (especially when it's aimed primarily at the father).

Orla K

Terodil wrote: »

Assuming that men may (or will at least) vote on this as well, I'd have appreciated a more neutrally-phrased question. I clicked 'you' meaning 'the woman'. The parents have absolutely no relevance in this.

I was thinking about that but I wanted to keep it short and couldn't think of a way to phrase it so I just thought screw it and put in you

Orla K

SeekUp wrote: »

Permission? Tricky word.

There was a post on the other thread along the lines of a couple becoming engaged on their own, but then asking (both sets of) parents for their blessing before telling anyone else about the engagement. I think that's lovely, and does away with the whole "can I marry your daughter" thing.

That's the way I've always thought it should be. I've always found it odd to ask the parents first and I always thought it odd to tell people other than the parents first.

rainbow kirby

Pherekydes wrote: »

Assuming the lady in question is an adult, then she, and she alone, should be asked.

This.

Pherekydes

Orla K wrote: »

That's the way I've always thought it should be. I've always found it odd to ask the parents first and I always thought it odd to tell people other than the parents first.

Telling the parents is quite different from asking for a blessing/permission.

jester77

Unless there is a dowry involved!
Do some people still ask, I thought that whole old church conservative mindset didn't exist amongst the younger generation.

SeekUp

Orla K wrote: »

That's the way I've always thought it should be. I've always found it odd to ask the parents first and I always thought it odd to tell people other than the parents first.

I don't know if I'd think it odd so much as outdated. It's nice to hold onto some traditions (someone else in the other thread mentioned it as being a romantic notion), and I think it's widely known and accepted that the entire gesture has come to be more symbolic than anything else. Still,I think this is one tradition that I would like to see evolve with the times.

(In my case, anyway!)

Silverfish

Couldn't give a ****e tbh.

If he asks my parents, its probably only in a 'Here, you wouldn't hate her to be married to me, would you?' way anyway. My parents will just go 'No, but you'd hate to be married to her'.

I wonder how many people who vote no on the poll would also be okay with no engagement ring since that's another 'territory marked' traditional thing, since the man in question wears no ring to show he's 'claimed'.

Joey the lips

I think this is a difficult one to answer, My O/H and me were together years and I always affecti jokes that I would get engaged when we were 21. So althogh from 20 on I did not say anything to my o/h but a month before her 21st I asked her parents. Her parents are very old fashioned and "Respected" me for this.

My sister come home on day Ma, Da me and Aidan are engaged. My father "Respected" Aidan for putting up with my sister

I think the flow would be the person is half expecting it to come soon so if your parents are traditional you will ask....

Orla K

Pherekydes wrote: »

Telling the parents is quite different from asking for a blessing/permission.

In my view they are almost the same. They are different but they do have more similarities than differences.

jester77 wrote: »

Unless there is a dowry involved!
Do some people still ask, I thought that whole old church conservative mindset didn't exist amongst the younger generation.

So did I but it seems it isn't.

coffee_cake

jester77 wrote: »

Unless there is a dowry involved!
Do some people still ask, I thought that whole old church conservative mindset didn't exist amongst the younger generation.

Read the awesome argument I had on PI about it ><

LadyE

Im in two minds about this, I think id appreciate my future husband to ask my dad, and im pretty sure my dad would too...but then Id want to be the one to tell him too if i ever get engaged.

SeekUp

Pherekydes wrote: »

Telling the parents is quite different from asking for a blessing/permission.

Well . . .

Asking permission: "Can I marry your child?"
Asking for blessing: "We're getting married, we hope you're okay with that."
Telling parents: "We're getting married!" (and possibly: "We don't care what you think!")

. . . imo!

Blush_01

I couldn't see someone proposing to me without us having made the joint decision to get married at some point having come up. I'd like to think he'd ask permission, if only as a matter of courtesy, because I think it's sweet and respectful, and I'm a bit old-fashioned about some stuff.

coffee_cake

Silverfish wrote: »

I wonder how many people who vote no on the poll would also be okay with no engagement ring since that's another 'territory marked' traditional thing, since the man in question wears no ring to show he's 'claimed'.

I would like to buy him one too!
Damn right he's my territory

Pherekydes

SeekUp wrote: »

Well . . .

Asking permission: "Can I marry your child?"
Asking for blessing: "We're getting married, we hope you're okay with that."
Telling parents: "We're getting married!" (and possibly: "We don't care what you think!")

. . . imo!

Yep! Exactly my thinking on it.

The answers to Qs 1 and 2 could be 'NO', while the third isn't even a question.

Silverfish

bluewolf wrote: »

I would like to buy him one too!
Damn right he's my territory

Should just wee in a circle around him.

Terodil

Silverfish wrote: »

Should just wee in a circle around him.

No.

coffee_cake

Silverfish wrote: »

Should just wee in a circle around him.

Yeah but then he'll start moving and I don't think we're allowed to chain them to kitchen sinks yet
damn I said the quiet part loud

JC 2K3

Given the supposed stereotype of the Irish Mammy that's perpetuated on Boards, you'd think the tradition would be for the bride to ask her.

stovelid

Each to their own but I wouldn't dream of asking her parent's permission.

Xiney

I didn't ask permission, or blessing. My dad blew a gasket, actually. But he warmed up to the idea by the time the wedding came around, and he's totally cool now. (Nothing to do with my OH, just the fact that I was only 20 years old when I got married)

Then again, I don't have the normal parental relationship either. I've never asked for their advice on anything important.

Dudess

I think it's appalling - and no, I'd disagree that's reading into things. So what if it's just done for the sake of tradition now and the true meaning of it isn't relevant any more? Its origins are rooted in serious sexism so I think it should be done away with. What's worse is if a girl feels it should be done simply because it's "the thing to do", no other reason (I appreciate some women here have more specific reasons for wanting it - not directing this at you). I wouldn't lose it with him if he did it as a naive, well-meaning gesture (which he wouldn't, but if he did) but I'd tell him there was no need for it.

And how come there's never a question of the woman asking the man's mother for her son's hand in marriage...?

I feel that way about a lot of wedding traditions though: the father or another male relative/friend "giving her away" - Jesus wept; the guy having to propose (god forbid the girl would, or that they'd both just come to a mutual decision to get married) - worse still is women waiting for him to propose or putting pressure on him to propose. Yeah, coercion/doing away with spontaneity - that's the foundation of true love all right.
What else? Oh yeah, the men must buy the rings. Why not the woman? Or why can't they go halves? Or... why have rings?

Xiney

Oh, and I proposed.

F*ck tradition, in fairness.

Elle Victorine

if it was even a consideration in my relationship he'd be too scared to ask my dad lol!!! But I'd prefer it that way.

Jemmy

holdmyhand? wrote: »

i reckon if we had discussed it first, like 'lets get married' etc. then i think its only respectful for the guy to ask. like my dads not the old fashioned type, but mostly being a single parent he doz look out for me. i think if it is coming near getting engaged time, the guy will hopefully have been around your family and will hopefully know weather or not its expected

+1 on this, I think once we've talked about it first just before he'd actually ask me id like him to say it to my dad.

iguana

I voted no, and if my husband had asked my dad, my dad would have told him he was talking to the wrong person. To be quite honest I don't understand the whole "proposal" stuff anyway. Surely most couples in a long-term relationship have discussed their relationship and agreed they want to spend the rest of their lives together and that marriage is how they'd like to do that. So what is the point of acting out a proposal?

When I was a kid I remember asking my mother how my dad proposed and I didn't quite understand when she explained that they were in a relationship and discussed their future as equals eventually deciding they wanted to get married. I'd been expecting a romantic story so I was so let down by her response. But as an adult I really appreciated their sense and progressive attitude. My mum didn't sit passively through her relationship wanting to get married but waiting for my dad to decide the time was right for a romantic gesture. Or they didn't decide together to get married but still make my dad jump through hoops like a performing seal and do a "surprise" proposal.

I'm glad that if I have a daughter and she asks me how her dad proposed that I'll have the same answer for her my mum had for me. Although mine is even less romantic as my parents bought each other engagement rings. My husband and I bought each other Apple hardware.