Asking parents/fathers permission to marry

Snowie · 31-03-2009 4:01am

Put it this way if i had a daughter and her boyfriend told me he wanted to marry her... Id apricate being told just because she would always be my little princess regardless of how old..... I think any man with a daughter would apricate it.... When i look at it from the prospective It makes a lot of sence...

spinandscribble · 31-03-2009 4:25am

i'd want to be asked first or for us to have made the decision together. i know my dad would get a great kick outa it and it would greatly piss off my mom if he was asked and she wasn't asked. that would be great! haha... i'd like it if my parents liked the man i'd be with someday because even though they drive me insane i still think they want what's best for me and have never been shy to voice concerns.

considering my dads high expectations, if i can manage to find a guy he approves of, i think i'll be onto a winner.

jellie · 31-03-2009 9:24am

its not really any of my dads business. I dont have much of a relationship with him so i wouldnt be too impressed if he knew about the the proposal before i did.

If i was close to my dad i dont think id MIND so much, but I still think id prefer to be the one to tell everyone the news than have other people knowing before me.

All that is presuming the father (& me!) said yes :P

so what if your bf asked your father for his permission & he said no? im sure in most cases if a guys gonna ask he'll be pretty sure the dad will say yes.. but what if he didnt? do you think he should ask you anyway?

all that "giving you away" stuff kinda bothers me too. I like most wedding traditions just cause i like whole romantic idea of it all, but i dont think id want my father to "give me away" cause im not really his to give. i think if it came to it id prefer it was my mother, but at the same time i dont actually dislike my father & i wouldnt want to hurt him either, but i dont feel its his place since we havent got much of a relationship.

not that it matters since im not exactly racing down the aisle or anything

edit: reading this back i sound like i have loads of "father issues" lol

iguana · 31-03-2009 12:27pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Put it this way if i had a daughter and her boyfriend told me he wanted to marry her... Id apricate being told just because she would always be my little princess regardless of how old..... I think any man with a daughter would apricate it.... When i look at it from the prospective It makes a lot of sence...

My dad wouldn't have appreciated it for one second. He raised me to be an independent woman and prefers for me to have a husband who thinks of me as one.

Snowie · 31-03-2009 1:37pm

iguana wrote: »

My dad wouldn't have appreciated it for one second. He raised me to be an independent woman and prefers for me to have a husband who thinks of me as one.

Regardless of independence I wouldn't be seeking approval, because its her choice

.. Not his. I dont mean any sexist malice buy it, i mean it from a point of well its the way Id do things.... personally speaking....

Scarinae · 31-03-2009 1:52pm

I think the whole idea is a bit bizarre. What if he asked for my father's permission, got the blessing, proposed, and then it turned out that I wasn't ready to get married? I would much prefer to discuss it between us first and decide to get married, and then tell our parents the good news. If they had concerns I'd obviously take them into account, but ultimately it would be my decision.

I know what you mean iguana about expecting a really romantic story from your parents and not getting one! My parents were living together in London and just kinda decided that they would get married after discussing it; it must have been a bit unexpected, because when my mum told her parents her mother asked if she had any other news to tell them, ie. was she pregnant?

cuckoo · 31-03-2009 2:00pm

I think my parents would be very surprised if they were to be asked first. The scene would probably go along the lines of:

him: blah, blah, permission to marry cuckoo pls.
dad: *silence*
mum: *silence*

dad: well, hmmm, let's see. i presume you've brought references, yes? pay slips? bank statements? what's your view on lifestyle debt? do you save regularly? how's your health, btw - i presume you've brought your GPs details and informed them that we'll be contacting them?

mum: sure, the full body health check that we'll arrange will show up most things - but it's always good to get the total picture. Got the family medical history there?

dad: no penalty points, i hope - can't have my daughter in the car with a bad driver.

mum: oh, and what's your local parish and which of the priests would know you best? i'd like to discuss your spiritual development as well with you. and, do you have the tax compliance cert there from the revenue?

dad: now...the serious questions. are you a cat or a dog person?....

I'd probably be a little annoyed if a fella were to ask my parents' permission. If we had been having a modern relationship up to that point (sex-before-marriage, both of us paying for things, going on holidays, maybe living together, etc) i'd wonder if he had fallen into some sort of hole in the space time continium.

Any guy foolish enough to ask my parents would probably be tortured in the manner described above for at least 20 minutes, before my parents would gently suggest he's asking the wrong people, and give him a cup of tea before he left.

CiaranC · 31-03-2009 2:01pm

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

cuckoo · 31-03-2009 2:10pm

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Depends on lots of factors. How my parents were for cash at the time, if they offered (wouldn't assume/expect), how many relatives are invited, size of wedding....

If i were running off to Vegas, or going barefoot on a tropical beach, or wearing jeans in a registry office I wouldn't accept money from my parents as myself and the hubby-to-be would be doing it on our own terms and to suit ourselves.

If it were the traditional, big Irish wedding with all the relatives I'd accept some money towards it if my parents offered, were suggesting that kind of day and had it to spare because the only way i ever see myself having that style of wedding is to give them the enjoyment of it.

Malari · 31-03-2009 2:13pm

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Absolutely! I'd be mortified if my father thought he had to contribute a penny to a wedding.

It's just a tradition that doesn't really matter that much any more. Women are not posessions, passed from family home to husband. These things are joint decisions now.

Dudess · 31-03-2009 2:24pm

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Don't see why people feel they HAVE to follow that particular one just because it's tradition. And yes, it is indeed backward.

kizzyr · 31-03-2009 2:25pm

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Yes yes and yes. I think its dreadful for anyone to expect their parents to pay for their wedding or even make a serious contribution towards it. The two people getting married should have the wedding they want and can afford.
Personally I'd be appalled if my boyfriend asked my father's permission. Similarly I don't expect an engagement ring, would not be "given away" or any of that kind of stuff. My boyfriend knows this and knows me and if he suddenly turned around to ask permission then he would be showing that he didn't know me at all.

Snowie · 31-03-2009 2:37pm

Dudess wrote: »

Don't see why people feel they HAVE to follow that particular one just because it's tradition. And yes, it is indeed backward.

Your failing to see that in most case's it has nothing to do with tradition.
I couldn't give a monkeys about what the back ground of it is to me it seems honourable to a least let her old man know... I mean he's watched this girl grow up and there's always going to be Love there. It would show him that you see the fact that he love's his daughter, it would be a good thing to do... I know straight up...

Don't confuse it with the tradition.

I think it shows to the bloke asking the question he's got confidence, substance love , responsibility and honour.

I can understand why you say what you say but it's, buy no means anything to do with tradition...

read the the thread YOUR DA I be leave you started if you read what the dads have done for there daughter's then maybe that make some sense in why a man would do something like that.

Malari · 31-03-2009 2:44pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Don't confuse it with the tradition.

I think it shows to the bloke asking the question he's got confidence, substance love , responsibility and honour.

I can understand why you say what you say but it's, buy no means anything to do with tradition...

read the the thread YOUR DA I be leave you started if you read what the dads have done for there daughter's then maybe that make some sense in why a man would do something like that.

Of course it's traditional! That doesn't mean that the people who wish to continue that tradition are doing it for exactly the same reasons.

To you it may mean those attributes you describe above. To many women it is degrading, demeaning and embarrassing.

SeekUp · 31-03-2009 2:47pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Put it this way if i had a daughter and her boyfriend told me he wanted to marry her... Id apricate being told just because she would always be my little princess regardless of how old..... I think any man with a daughter would apricate it.... When i look at it from the prospective It makes a lot of sence...

Going along with this argument . . . What about the mother? Even if a woman has been Daddy's Little Girl, surely the mother deserves the same kind of respect? Surely any woman with a daughter would appreciate being asked? (If I agreed with asking the parents first, that is. :rolleyes:)

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I couldn't give a monkeys about what the back ground of it is to me it seems honourable to a least let her old man know... I mean he's watched this girl grow up and there's always going to be Love there. It would show him that you see the fact that he love's his daughter, it would be a good thing to do... I know straight up...

if you read what the dads have done for there daughter's then maybe that make some sense in why a man would do something like that.

And moms have done nothing?

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

First of all -- we're assuming that both parents are alive and well?? Then it wouldn't just be my dad paying for it, it would be both of my parents paying for it. And while I don't see that as backwards, I do see it as being a burden that shouldn't be put on the parents. Unless my parents were flush. Then life would be sweet.

deisemum · 31-03-2009 2:48pm

kizzyr wrote: »

Yes yes and yes. I think its dreadful for anyone to expect their parents to pay for their wedding or even make a serious contribution towards it. The two people getting married should have the wedding they want and can afford.
Personally I'd be appalled if my boyfriend asked my father's permission. Similarly I don't expect an engagement ring, would not be "given away" or any of that kind of stuff. My boyfriend knows this and knows me and if he suddenly turned around to ask permission then he would be showing that he didn't know me at all.

Same here, if my husband had approached my parents for their permission I'd have been disgusted that I was viewed as a possession. It should be between the couple first and foremost then inform family and friends afterwards.

Snowie · 31-03-2009 3:12pm

Malari wrote: »

Of course it's traditional! That doesn't mean that the people who wish to continue that tradition are doing it for exactly the same reasons.

To you it may mean those attributes you describe above. To many women it is degrading, demeaning and embarrassing.

Really if you feel that's the case then so be it. I'm not really fussed eather way as I said in the prevous post Id discuss marriage with the girl.. As i said allready of course.

SeekUp wrote: »

Going along with this argument . . . What about the mother? Even if a woman has been Daddy's Little Girl, surely the mother deserves the same kind of respect? Surely any woman with a daughter would appreciate being asked? (If I agreed with asking the parents first, that is. :rolleyes:)

And moms have done nothing?

but then again I never tock the mother into account because I was more so disscussing the father.. and again many girls would like that the mother was not told because it would be a nice suprise for the mother I would of thuaght .....

But then again nooooooooo fairness equlity throws stuff like that cleerly out the window as you've just pointed out.

iguana · 31-03-2009 3:12pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Regardless of independence I wouldn't be seeking approval, because its her choice .. Not his. I dont mean any sexist malice buy it, i mean it from a point of well its the way Id do things.... personally speaking....

But I think you will find that quite a few fathers would prefer not to be asked and see you asking him first as a sign of disrespect toward him and his daughter. That's how my dad would have seen it, that's how my husband would see it if it was our daughter.

Snowie · 31-03-2009 3:20pm

iguana wrote: »

But I think you will find that quite a few fathers would prefer not to be asked and see you asking him first as a sign of disrespect toward him and his daughter. That's how my dad would have seen it, that's how my husband would see it if it was our daughter.

well then Im wrong and your right im not going to waste my time arguing over opinions counter quoting and getting my own head in a muddle if thats how you feel good for you....

and to be honest i think your blowing this out of preportion all togeather...

why because Im not asking for his blessing, Im mearly letting him no my intentions is that a bad thing?

well if you want to veiw it as a bad thing well go right a head...

partyguinness · 31-03-2009 3:24pm

Myself and OH have discussed marriage and she wld like me to ask her father first. No prob with that.

But I dont see it as asking for "permission"as such. I am telling him that I will be asking his daughter to marry me...partyguinness is his own man..:D

iguana · 31-03-2009 3:26pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Myself and OH have discussed marriage and she wld like me to ask her father first. No prob with that.

But I dont see it as asking for "permission"as such. I am telling him that I will be asking his daughter to marry me...partyguinness is his own man..:D

If you've already discussed marriage and know that's what you both want what the hell is the point in a proposal? Why not just decide when you want to get married, how you want to do it and then tell people? Why the proposal charade?

partyguinness · 31-03-2009 3:33pm

iguana wrote: »

If you've already discussed marriage and know that's what you both want what the hell is the point in a proposal? Why not just decide when you want to get married, how you want to do it and then tell people? Why the proposal charade?

LOL...:D:D..because there is an awful lot of other things between us to be decided on first..so dont dare assume you know everything..and you have no right to call plans between myself and OH a "charade" when you know absolutely nothing about us.

Matters which I have absolutely no intention of getting into here and with you as you clearly are quiet worked up over the whole question..relax.:cool:

Oh yeah...it may be a 'nice' thing to do with long lasting happy memories (as opposed to exchanging Apple hardware...lol but each to their own).

Malari · 31-03-2009 3:36pm

iguana wrote: »

If you've already discussed marriage and know that's what you both want what the hell is the point in a proposal? Why not just decide when you want to get married, how you want to do it and then tell people? Why the proposal charade?

Well exactly.

There are a lot of things being discussed here...
- Have the couple discussed marriage between them or is the proposal a surprise?
- Has the boy met the parents before, or is it just a "this is me, who wants to marry your daughter"?
- Are the parents well aware of their daughter's desire to marry the guy anyway?
- Is it just some kind of traditionalist bent that the daughter has, including engagement ring, bended knee proposal, big church wedding?

All combinations of the above are going to have different influences on whether people see this as tradition or travesty.

partyguinness · 31-03-2009 3:46pm

My OH has stated that she wld like me to say it to her parents first before whisking her off for the weekend. But we do have a rough date etc in mind.

TBH it doesnt bother me one bit..if that wld make her happy..so be it. BUt as I said its not about permission as such just..informing them. Then again I might not do that...its just a formal public announcement. We have decided most things anyway between ourselves.

iguana · 31-03-2009 4:06pm

partyguinness wrote: »

LOL...:D:D..because there is an awful lot of other things between us to be decided on first..so dont dare assume you know everything..and you have no right to call plans between myself and OH a "charade" when you know absolutely nothing about us.

I'm not saying that your proposal specifically is a charade, but I don't see the point if the couple has already decided to get married. It's like if you and your OH decided you both wanted to go see Watchmen on Friday night then you came home from work on Thursday and asked her if she would like to go see Watchmen with you. It would be silly, she'd say, "didn't we already agree to do that? Why are you asking me?" If two people decide to get married what is the point of at some surprise date the man arranging a romantic date and then asking her a "question" he already knows the answer to? To make romantic memories?

But it isn't real, you've already discussed it and know it's going to happen. You've just said she's told you she wants you to ask her parents and then whisk her away for the weekend. Then you are hardly asking her to marry you, you're going through the motions of a proposal that has already been decided in advance. If you know the answer then the proposal isn't sincere. I have lots of romantic memories of my relationship. The day my husband came home with a pocketful of the most divine satsumas that his director had shipped over from his ranch and my husband had snaffled for me because he knew I'd love them. When my husband filled my iPod with playlists of music he knew I'd love or that he wanted to share with me. Or the day he brought me home a big box of Cinnabon cakes because he knew I'd love them. Romance isn't about big gestures, it's about the tiny little things you do everyday. Mimicking the formalities of a different era which have no relevance in a modern relationship isn't romantic, it's gimmicky.

partyguinness · 31-03-2009 4:28pm

So exchanging Apple hardware is symbollic of a "modern relationship" in your eyes?

I would see that as "gimmicky" and crass consumerism and a sad symptom of what has gone wrong with Ireland. I have no interest in slating your views or ideas. Each to their own.

You said it isnt real?

So is it only real when the answer is in doubt..say 50-50? when one doesnt know the answer?? You cant be serious.

Although I have no figures to back this up, I think it is safe to assume that 90-95% of marriage proposals are accepted.

I guarantee that hundreds/ thousands of couples would say that the day they got engaged was wonderful blah blah etc etc. Just becuse both parties know the question/have discussed it doesnt mean its a charade. It is a formal offer and acceptance.

Sure it may be vomit inducing and maybe spending time buying Apple hardware would be better spent..;)

But personally, I think Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, St Patricks Day, Christmas and Birthdays are a load of tripe and I resent having to buy gifts/cards etc..but it makes people in my life happy and hey..if thats what they want then I will humour them. No harm done and it nmakes them smile.

You're house must be a barrel of laughs...bet you have told or will tell your kids that Santa doesnt exist..its a charade afterall.;)

GirlInterrupted · 31-03-2009 4:41pm

iguana wrote: »

Mimicking the formalities of a different era which have no relevance in a modern relationship isn't romantic, it's gimmicky.

There is another way of looking at it.

We make all kinds of ordinary decisions everyday. From what detergent we buy to what night we visit our parents, to what looks better to wear on a certain occasion.

There are other decisions that have a bearing on how our whole life is played out. Getting engaged to be married is one of those decisions.

You may have discussed it and agreed on a course of action, but its not irrelevant to make an occasion of such a huge, life-changing event. Its not stupid to make it romantic, to want a special memory, and its not silly to want to adhere to ancient traditions on the very few occasions in life where we have a chance to make a real, lasting, special memory, of a day that most people will hold dear for the rest of their lives.

I might be a bit of a romantic, but no matter how much the matter had been discussed previously, I'd want the formalising of the agreement, the proposal, to be special to me, not just another event that passed without real celebration, like so much in life does.

And I wouldn't mind my mother (my father is deceased) being the second to know, although asking might be a bit much. I know that my family would want to be involved in any celebration of a happy life event of mine, just like I would want to be involved in theirs.

iguana · 31-03-2009 4:50pm

partyguinness wrote: »

So exchanging Apple hardware is symbollic of a "modern relationship" in your eyes?

I would see that as "gimmicky" and crass consumerism and a sad symptom of what has gone wrong with Ireland. I have no interest in slating your views or ideas. Each to their own.

At about the time we decided when we were getting married and started telling people I needed a new laptop and my husband wanted an iPod. We aren't the type of people to just buy things whenever we want them as we prefer to save and pick up bargains. Normally I'd have picked up a cheap PC rather than the Mac I wanted and my husband would forego the 32gb iPod video he wanted and keep using the mp3 player on his phone. As we had just announced our wedding date and decided against engagement jewelery we decided to use some of the money thought that for once we'd forget the cost and get the things we really wanted for a change. (I still bought a used Mac on ebay though, I just don't have it in me to be properly frivolous.)

partyguinness · 31-03-2009 4:52pm

GirlInterrupted wrote: »

There is another way of looking at it.

We make all kinds of ordinary decisions everyday. From what detergent we buy to what night we visit our parents, to what looks better to wear on a certain occasion.

There are other decisions that have a bearing on how our whole life is played out. Getting engaged to be married is one of those decisions.

You may have discussed it and agreed on a course of action, but its not irrelevant to make an occasion of such a huge, life-changing event. Its not stupid to make it romantic, to want a special memory, and its not silly to want to adhere to ancient traditions on the very few occasions in life where we have a chance to make a real, lasting, special memory, of a day that most people will hold dear for the rest of their lives.

I might be a bit of a romantic, but no matter how much the matter had been discussed previously, I'd want the formalising of the agreement, the proposal, to be special to me, not just another event :othat passed without real celebration, like so much in life does.

And I wouldn't mind my mother (my father is deceased) being the second to know, although asking might be a bit much. I know that my family would want to be involved in any celebration of a happy life event of mine, just like I would want to be involved in theirs.

Well thats it.

Life is so short and full of bad days that such a life altering decision should be welcomed and celebrated even if some find it corny or gimmicky.

Reducing down such a decision/event to being the same as renting film is just sad.:(

A proposal is the formalisation of such a decision and is rightly celebrated. It is hardly a charade. I dont believe in asking a parent first and I wont but I would hardly condemn anyone who does as acting out a charade...and so what if it is to an extent..what harm is being done?

SeekUp · 31-03-2009 5:06pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Myself and OH have discussed marriage and she wld like me to ask her father first. No prob with that.

But I dont see it as asking for "permission"as such. I am telling him that I will be asking his daughter to marry me...partyguinness is his own man..:D

So are you not going to mention anything to her mother, a conversation between you and her parents, or are you just keeping it mano e mano?

I guess that's the part I don't understand -- it's her daughter too!

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

but then again I never tock the mother into account because I was more so disscussing the father.. and again many girls would like that the mother was not told because it would be a nice suprise for the mother I would of thuaght .....

But then again nooooooooo fairness equlity throws stuff like that cleerly out the window as you've just pointed out.

I just think it's strange that you'd think the mother and father would feel two different ways -- that if the gesture is, in fact, about respect, that the mother wouldn't want the same kind of respect paid to her than the husband-to-be would give the father. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a nice surprise (for both parents!), I'm just saying that if you're going to tell one of the people who raised the child, why not tell both?

Asking parents/fathers permission to marry

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