Had enough of the other half

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this for obvious reasons. Sorry about the length too.
We're eight years or more together. It dawned on me recently that I never laugh in her company. She wears me down and I feel wearied by her.
She can be difficult to be around a lot of the time, and is pretty anti-social, which has curtailed my social life. She blames this on her neverending thesis, which is truly years upon years without ever getting any closer to being finished.
She drinks a lot too, so I pretty much stopped taking her with me anytime there would be drink or friends involved. She has no problem drinking on her own, and quite often to excess. And she's a very messy drunk, breaking things, shouting at inanimate objects, picking rows etx.
She's not without her good points of course. She's smart, and educated, and likes to travel and read as I do. She's attractive, and like me, doesn't want to have kids. She can be a brat, but she can also be surprisingly considerate and generous sometimes.
But the rows have been becoming more frequent recently. We split up once before, when she made a show of herself after my friend's wedding. But it was a messy drawn out affair and I don't know whether I'm able to go through her dragging it out again like that, I really don't. It was harrowing.
But in more recent times, we'd travelled a bit, enjoyed ourselves and got engaged. People keep asking when the big day is, but I'm not inclined to set one at the moment.
I want out while I'm still a young man. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. But I'm aware that I'm likely to be lonely, since all my friends are married and got kids and can't go out like we did when we were younger. And I'm not so confident of meeting a woman around my age (30s/40s cusp) who's happy about not having kids.
The other day, I got a drink and dial from a long-ago ex, who'd tracked me down. Normally I'd just be nice on the phone and hang up. But this time instead, I went over and had a really good laugh, first in a long time, and we slept together.
I feel a bit bad about the sex, but I feel more bad that I don't have any fun like that in my current relationship. I've zero interest in going back to the long-ago ex, though. She's a bit of a car crash, but I suppose the fact I even thought of going there even once reveals where I am with all of this right now.
I found myself dreaming of the girl I left to be with my current partner. They were strange dreams that would leave me with a disturbed sense. One haunted me one day last week, and I thought to look her up online and I found her, seemingly single and happy, working away in London.
I appreciate there's no going back to that, and after so many years it's a pointless thought. But until last week, I'd not have given her a thought from one month to the next. I feel as if my subconscious was trying to tell me something about the great fun I had in that relationship compared to the utter lack of enjoyment in this one.
In a sense, it sounds reading over like I've made a decision already. But I haven't, and I'm open to advice. Is there a way to save this relationship? And if not, what's the best way of dealing with getting out of it? And once I am out, what's out there for me, if anything?

LegacyUser

Get out while you still can. You will wake up when you are in your 50's and 60's wondering where your life went.

There are plenty of women (and men) who are in their 30's and 40's who don't want children or who have maybe had their children who are now grown and want a life for themselves now. I should know as I am one....as are probably 4 or 5 of my friends.

But you won't find one being tied to this relationship. It sounds like you have already finished it mentally anyway, especially having cheated on your gf, you just need to make the physical change now..

cantdecide

Unregistered wrote: »

...I found myself dreaming of the girl I left to be with my current partner....In a sense, it sounds reading over like I've made a decision already...

First of all, IMO, the death rattle has sounded in your relationship. The only way I think you'll find out for sure is to break up with her. If it's a mistake, you'll know it but I don't think you'll feel that way going by your post...

Shame on you for cheating. If it's over, there's no point in humiliating your OH.

If this relationship is over, it has no bearing on what happens next. The 2 things are not related and it's far too early to know what you'll do next. That's a question for another day. There's also no point in rehashing and re-analyzing every old relationship you've had for inspiration.

Blue_Wolf

its hard as you are engaged and been together so long but you have to get out.

Babooshka

Unregistered wrote: »

I found myself dreaming of the girl I left to be with my current partner. They were strange dreams that would leave me with a disturbed sense. One haunted me one day last week, and I thought to look her up online and I found her, seemingly single and happy, working away in London.
I appreciate there's no going back to that, and after so many years it's a pointless thought. But until last week, I'd not have given her a thought from one month to the next. I feel as if my subconscious was trying to tell me something about the great fun I had in that relationship compared to the utter lack of enjoyment in this one.
quote]


So, you left someone to be with this partner, and now the grass seems it was greener back then... through the rose coloured specs? I don't mean to be harsh but the grass is always greener, even in your dreams. You obviously left that person for your current partner because you weren't happy. And now it sounds like you feel you made the wrong choice and you're panicking you're going to be alone forever if you quit this relationship. Stop jumping into bed with other women, get some space for yourself. Tell your girlfriend you are worried about her drinking habits, that you feel it's damaging her and your relationship and that you don't want to marry someone who'd be unhappy and drunk half the time. Thesis' and intelligence won't save a marriage. Ask her what's ailing her.

Get away by yourself for a week or two if you can. Tell her you're thinking. Talk to her. The grass is never greener. It always just seems that way. But if you don't love her any more and it's going nowhere be really honest and talk to her about it and tell her. She could be drinking because she's so unhappy with the status quo herself, it only takes one conversation to break the ice...go on. Hope it works out for ya.

Wibbs

Actually sometimes the grass is greener. More than once I've left relationships and found a better one down the line. You either want to be with this woman or not. You have listed a fair few red flags that would suggest you don't. Now there are always two sides and maybe she's on the gargle as Babooshka said because she's equally unhappy. I also agree with Babooshka with talking to her and getting some space yourself to see what you want. You need to do this sooner rather than later too. The possibility of potential loneliness if you leave is no reason to stay in something not good for either of you.

ManOfMystery

Being in a relationship, above all else, should be something you enjoy. You're both obviously not in it for kids so it should simply be for mutual pleasure in all areas of life - that's a simple and fundamental fact. If you're not enjoying it, then there is absolutely no reason to continue with it. Move on, you'll be doing both yourself and her a favour.

h8red

Well now that you've cheated on her you might as well break up with her cos that's gonna keep happening as long as you need your fun.

SarahSassy

Sounds like she has had enough of you too. You don’t make her laugh, she is drinking to dull the pain and now you are cheating on her. Oh I can imagine the wedded bliss to follow. Move on and stay on your own if you cant find another suitable partner but whatever you do finish it and put that girl out of her misery.

Oh The Humanity

I'd say get out of it.

She sounds pretty draining and no fun.

You will easily find a woman with no interest in kids, dont fret about that.

poindexter

whats that saying? there's 2 sides to every story and then there's the truth!
maybe she's fed up with you and sleeping around with an ex.
maybe she's drinking so much because she's sick fed up with you.
how often do yous sit down and talk about where the relationship is going?
if it's all her to blame then get out and go and find all the things you want in life that she can't offer you. don't be hasty though, 8yr together is a long time and i think it can be saved if you both want it and are willing to work through what is a challenging time

why did you propose to her???

LegacyUser

Hi. Back again. Thanks to everyone for the responses.
To run thru a few things - yup, I'm not proud of the cheating. It was a one-off, though. I'm not planning on doing it again. The OH isn't aware of it.
On her drinking, she's always been a 'problem' drinker. Since before she met me. I tried to get her to go to counselling and she did for a bit. But she's back worse than ever. Refuses to accept she has a problem. She says she drinks to 'cut loose' after a hard week's work.
But she drinks alone in the house and ends up falling around breaking things and injuring herself, and shouting at inanimate objects. I've tried to help her with this but she doesn't listen. And I feel I've a clean conscience in terms of whatever's causing her to drink like this.
I do make her laugh. She seems happy enough in the relationship most of the time, except obviously when we row. But I cannot actually remember the last time I had some craic with her.
I do love her, but I'm at my wit's end with this. Everything is just so miserable. I got engaged because she wanted it, and I wanted to make her happy. But I don't see that she is tremendously happy. I think she's decided that this relationship will do for her, as it isn't too onerous on her.
She can work away and potter about with her research and drink on her own or whatever. She's not under pressure to have kids, or go out and socialise as a couple. I feel like I'm enabling her anti-social side sometimes.
I'm inclined to cut my losses and walk away, but I'd try to make it work if I could. I just can't see where to begin doing so.

LegacyUser

I posted a reply to everyone earlier but it didn't appear? Was hoping the mods could retrieve it, save me from writing it all again.

Wibbs

It most likely took time to be approved so It's probably up now. If not you'll have to re type it, I'm afraid

ellie1

is your other half an alcoholic?

CamillaRhodes

It sounds like it is the fear of being alone, rather than a genuine desire to make it work, that is keeping you with your partner now. Sadly, relationships which once were good sometimes simply run their course and eventually turn bad. You guys are already at the 'bad' point - you've cheated, and I know you say it was a once-off, but I'm sure once upon a time you believed you would never, ever cheat on her. Something changed. It sounds like you cheated not so much out of a desire for sex but out of a desire to feel good as a couple again, as you did when you were having a laugh with your ex. It is ok to want to be happy, to want to be able to have a bit of craic with your other half. It's not ok to cheat, either for her or for what it will eventually do to you.

Being alone can suck. Loneliness is horrible. But being single also will allow you to try to find what you're looking for. You will not find happiness in hooking up with random exes (or new girls, as will probably happen now you've broken the cheating rule - sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just what I've seen happen). I'm younger than you, so I can't say I know plenty of women your age who are looking for a man who doesn't want children. But I do happen to know one, who is a lot of fun and a successful career woman. There will be other women out there - I don't believe in the cliche that there is "the one" for you. Your current girlfriend does not seem to be any of "the ones" for you any more. And indeed you may not be the one for her, hence her unhappiness (for make no mistake, I think anti-social behaviour, work-obsessiveness on never-ending projects and destructive drinking seem to indicate a very unhappy woman).

Do you think "taking a break" might work for you? (Though in most people's parlance I think "taking a break" usually means step one of the break-up process).

LegacyUser

ellie1 wrote: »

is your other half an alcoholic?

I think she might be. She's not a daily drinker. But she is a problem pretty much every time she drinks, which is more than half the week.
She doesn't reckon it's a problem though.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm inclined to cut my losses and walk away, but I'd try to make it work if I could. I just can't see where to begin doing so.

You sound miserable OP.
I am presuming that you have not told her how you feel.

Time to bit the bullet and tell her exactly where you are with regards to this relationship.
If you really want to give it one last go, tell her you want the both of you to go talk to a professional.
And, she's to give up the drink.
If she says no, you have your answer and the relationship is over.
Best of luck.

Koushki

This is the first post were someone cheated and it didn't make me angry.

yeah it was wrong of you, but your relationship sounds draining and head wrecking. Personally if i wasn't happy i would leave before cheating, but it's easier for me to say as i'm only 18.

But honestly, you just need to get out of that relationship. It's doing nothing for either of you, and she's expecting to get married, so you might as well end it now. And go and try find someone new somewhere down the line, and be happy and smile again.
The whole point of a partner is that they're your best friend, who you can have sex with. What's a best friend without any laughter?

LegacyUser

You sound truly miserable OP. You need to get out of this relationship and fast, it doesn't sound like there is anything to salvage, it seems like it is way beyond the salvaging point and that the only solution is to break up with her. As hard as it is to get out of a long term relationship especially when you are engaged, you need to get out of it for your own sanity, otherwise you could end up hating each other. If you are this unhappy surely she has noticed something is up so she may not be completley shocked by the break up.

Let us know how you get on & your decision.
best of luck

LegacyUser

We have a holiday booked in a week or two. Fortunately it's already arranged so that I go out first, since I've more time off work, so I'll get some days on my own to think about things.
The problem then is that if I do decide it's never going to work, I think it would be crap to lay that on someone while they're stuck abroad in your company.
And then I'll have to say it when we're back, which is hardly better really.
And at this point in time, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, though you've all given me good food for thought and I'm thankful for that.
I will propose that we see a professional, though I think she'll just dismiss that as unnecessary. I've spoken to her again tonight about the drinking. Didn't stop her having one, but she did at least ask if I had a problem with it, and she stopped at one.
I feel hypocritical in one sense for saying it, since I drink too. But I don't ever drink to excess, and I don't drink at home alone.
Anyway, I'm going to go and sit on a beach for a few days and think about what happens next.

marzic

it sounds as though you've put up with alot of really bad stuff for no reward. its terrible to be embarrassed by your oh's behaviour, to be utterly unhappy and miserable but still feel that you have to give this type of relationship a chance. people can have a tendancy to feel obliged to endure a partner as if they were their own child or a parent, but this is where one must be strong, and selfish in order to leave, if that will be whats best for them. I say if she doesnt want your help, and doesnt feel she needs to change, then your choice may be easier to make.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

We have a holiday booked in a week or two. Fortunately it's already arranged so that I go out first, since I've more time off work, so I'll get some days on my own to think about things.
The problem then is that if I do decide it's never going to work, I think it would be crap to lay that on someone while they're stuck abroad in your company.
And then I'll have to say it when we're back, which is hardly better really.
And at this point in time, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, though you've all given me good food for thought and I'm thankful for that.
I will propose that we see a professional, though I think she'll just dismiss that as unnecessary. I've spoken to her again tonight about the drinking. Didn't stop her having one, but she did at least ask if I had a problem with it, and she stopped at one.
I feel hypocritical in one sense for saying it, since I drink too. But I don't ever drink to excess, and I don't drink at home alone.
Anyway, I'm going to go and sit on a beach for a few days and think about what happens next.

why don't you wait and go out with her?

Oh The Humanity

The problem then is that if I do decide it's never going to work, I think it would be crap to lay that on someone while they're stuck abroad in your company.

Hey OP, the thing is there is never a good time to break up with someone. There will always be just one more occasion or yet another awkward time springs up when you plan to break up with someone.....

You will be suprised actually how aware she already might be of the situation, just because its not awknowledged verbally doesn't mean she doesn't know.

Its notable that you have already mentally rehearsed breaking up already in your head. I think this relationship is over in all but name.

Re the holiday, could one of you give their place to someone else?
There hardly seems much point prolonging the whole thing over a holiday, maybe she could sell her half to a friend of yours or something?

SarahSassy

Finish with her now if your heart is set on it and let her bring someone on the holiday with her. Thats the fairest thing.

Dont know how you could put on a brave face on holidays and in fairness its only leading her on.

nylon

you've listed so many negative things about your partner that it's quite clear how you feel. you just want us to confirm what you already know.

end it, for both your sakes.

MollyRo

it doesn't sound like either of you are happy... might be a good idea to do something proactive about it or you could be stuck having sneaky shags on the side etc... and not really being happy in the long term... if the gf keeps getting away with her drunken messy bad behaviour she will continue it... you may argue about it but the fact is that you are both in a certain pattern of behaviour in your relationship that is unhealthy - however, this type of behaviour is what you are comfortable with it in a negative way if you get me???? that's why you need to do something about it.. could be the kick in the arse she needs or you might realise you're better off not with each other... staying with her is just rewarding her behaviour to be honest... read up on co-dependent behaviour with alcohol dependency... it could shed some light on your unfortunate situation!! either way you are not helping you gf who in my opinion would have an issue with using alcohol as a coping mechanism...
good luck!

MollyRo

she also sounds like she could have depression/ mental illness ...