Trust...opinions please!

Peeps7

Iv been with my boyfriend for one year now, so far it has been going very well! However a few issues has arisen constantly over the past year...as we live in different towns we dont know the same people. In previous relationships this was also the case however never deemed itself as a problem as I got to know his friends and visa versa.

However over the past year I feel like I have have not got to know any of my oh's friends, while he seems to know mine very well. Although I have met them a couple of times (at 21st's) they seem like really nice guys, just real lads lads. Girlfriends of his friends seem to be seperate from the group too. They seem like lads who dont really have friends that are girls.

So here lies the problem...nights where I go out with my friends and he with his I find it very hard to trust him. On a number of occasions this happens and by the end of the night I get a phone call from him whereby he is so drunk he actaully can not talk. We happened to be in the same town last weekend, just different night clubs and when getting a taxi I met him on the street where once again he was so drunk he could barely stand. As he was on his own I brought him home with me, where he did not even know where he was or who I was. I just feel that he was so drunk that night that we would not have known what he was doing. The next morning I told him how horrible it is seeing him that drunk and that its difficult to trust him when he's like that. To which he replied that it would never happen again etc.

Knowing his friends is probably a seperate issue, however I think not knowing them makes it harder to know/trust him, if that makes sence! I sometimes feels like he has a completely seperate life and visa versa which I find hard. I think its really important that we both go out without eachother on occasion however as much as I try to, I just cant help but feel like I cant trust.

I truely believe without trust its very hard to have a proper relationship. When we go out together, he never gets this drunk. And in normal day to day life, I really really care for him and would trust him. I dont want to have to go out together ALL the time. Just dont know how to go about trusting him, or building a relationship with his friends.

Any advice would be much appreciated, Thanks a million

LegacyUser

Peeps7 wrote: »

Iv been with my boyfriend for one year now, so far it has been going very well! However a few issues has arisen constantly over the past year...as we live in different towns we dont know the same people. In previous relationships this was also the case however never deemed itself as a problem as I got to know his friends and visa versa.

However over the past year I feel like I have have not got to know any of my oh's friends, while he seems to know mine very well. Although I have met them a couple of times (at 21st's) they seem like really nice guys, just real lads lads. Girlfriends of his friends seem to be seperate from the group too. They seem like lads who dont really have friends that are girls.

So here lies the problem...nights where I go out with my friends and he with his I find it very hard to trust him. On a number of occasions this happens and by the end of the night I get a phone call from him whereby he is so drunk he actaully can not talk. We happened to be in the same town last weekend, just different night clubs and when getting a taxi I met him on the street where once again he was so drunk he could barely stand. As he was on his own I brought him home with me, where he did not even know where he was or who I was. I just feel that he was so drunk that night that we would not have known what he was doing. The next morning I told him how horrible it is seeing him that drunk and that its difficult to trust him when he's like that. To which he replied that it would never happen again etc.

Knowing his friends is probably a seperate issue, however I think not knowing them makes it harder to know/trust him, if that makes sence! I sometimes feels like he has a completely seperate life and visa versa which I find hard. I think its really important that we both go out without eachother on occasion however as much as I try to, I just cant help but feel like I cant trust.

I truely believe without trust its very hard to have a proper relationship. When we go out together, he never gets this drunk. And in normal day to day life, I really really care for him and would trust him. I dont want to have to go out together ALL the time. Just dont know how to go about trusting him, or building a relationship with his friends.

Any advice would be much appreciated, Thanks a million

If he's that much of a drunken mess who do you think would have him.

I always find this amazing how people have over inflated opinions of their partners, "i think my boyfriend might cheat on a night out" like every hot girl is out to get your man, I guarantee most girls wouldn't give their boyfriend the time of day in a club if they can up to them to chat them up. if they wern't their boyfriend of course

username123

Regardless of whether or not you think he might cheat on you in that state (and agree with previous poster who asks who would have him if he is that much of a drunken mess), Id be far more worried about what harm might befall him if he is left (by his so called mates), alone, to wander the streets so drunk that he doesnt even recognise his own girlfriend.

He could easily harm himself, fall over, break something, walk out in front of a car, pass out and drown in his own vomit etc... or come to harm from some scumbag who see's him as an easy target to rob, punch up for laughs or whatever. Or become involved in some kind of altercation just because he is so out of it that he thinks someone who is asking him the time is attacking him.

Seriously, priorities here!!! A boyfriend who gets into that state has issues far beyond whether or not he is going to cheat.

SheRa

OP I think that your concern shouldnt be around trust but around the fact that your boyf sounds like he has a problem with alcohol.
He can get so drunk that he doesnt know where he is? Thats pretty shocking. And I dont think that the fact that he doesnt get paralytic around you means much tbh.

Peeps7

Thanks for your replies, the response I thought I was going to get tbh.

karen3212

Hi Op,

I think you should try explaining to your OH how you feel. Though it seems all they do on a night out is get very drunk.

Perhaps you and your friends could try meeting up with them when you are out in the same town, I don't really see why you can't all get to know each other as friends. The more the merrier etc.

Has you OH ever been concerned about the state he gets into on a night out with his friends? If he is getting out of his head deliberately and knows he will be very drunk, then he needs to come up with a plan to ensure he gets home safely. It would be better though if he tried to perhaps miss every second drink in a round, or think of a reason to leave a little earlier than he does.

Honestly, I think it would be very very difficult to trust someone who really doesn't know what they are doing at all at the end of the night.

Peeps7

Karen thanks very much for your reply! Very constructive. I have already talked it to death with him but now I think he understands where I am coming from. I suppose we will see what happens next time to goes out alone, although he assures me this will not happen again. If it does I dont think there will be a chat trying to sort it out because I dont see the point in being in a relationship where there is no trust or where someone drinks so much.

(New to boards so dont know how to quote what you said! )

Yes I suppose he does show concern the next morning after he drinks. With reference to a previous poster I dont think it is an alcohol abuse issue. It happens seldom. This does not mean I am excusing him getting so drunk beacuse it is unexcusable. I think its more got to do with his age (early 20's) and his friends. Dont get me wrong, he is in control of what he does and is responsible for what he does. I just dont think it is an alcohol problem as such. Maybe more to do with fitting in etc.

In relation to his friends...its very hard to explain and if I not anything like previous relationships. When his friends go out, they go to a seperate nightclub. I have on occasion went to the same where I have often talked to the girlfriends of friends etc. but never really got to know his friends. It is also an issue that some of his friends are very different to me and maybe some of not knowing them is my issue. When they go out some do drugs and that personally is not my thing. No problem with them doing what they want, each to their own, but I dont particularly want to get to know them when there of their head. The opportunity doesnt seem to arise outside the going out scene.

Thanks again for the advice/opinions.

bubblewrap

I can see where you are coming from, him losing his inhibitions but be realistic, what girl would look at a man unable to speak and staggering and think woah he is hot! :pac: Plus, he wouldn't be physically capable of cheating if that is how bad he is.

I agree that you should be more concerned of his personal safety.