Tips for single chic coping with friends who all have babies

iguana2005

Yes...am 36 and all my mates have babies(kids..). Just met them today for lunch and there were 3 of them all with buggies, talking the baby talk etc...

I felt so left out - I love my friends but are so caught up in babyworld.

Am so down today - dont have many single friends(1!). Feel like crap - why didnt it happen to me...they were all at the beach this morning while I was getting the bus to work.

Any ideas how to cope - dont particulaly feel like meeting them anymore being honest..

monkeyfudge

You don't have a little monster getting sick on you and waking you up in the middle of the night.

I'd take some comfort in that at least.

Quality

Oh god, I am a mam of 3 my eldest is nearly 10, but my friends are only new mammies...Jaysus I dont think I ever carried on like they do...
There was a conversation about nappies the other day!!!:eek: All talk is baby talk.
I remember not so long ago when we would talk about sex, Men our jobs and life!!

Why dont you just say it too them nicely or jokingly. I am sure they will see your side of it...

If not, just try to meet up with them at evening times when babies are in bed. But I do think honesty is the best policy.

iguana2005

It was terrible today - am still thinking about it - they were branding their babies around like trophies! They are your typical yummy mummies - partners are well known and lots of money....

leave em' off - hopefully my time will come. i certenly will not treat single women the way I was today should I have a baby. Am a little more mature and sensitive then thaat.

Ghouls...

Salome

I used to dread going out with my friends who were coupled up with families. At the time, I was single and living at home - they were all married or loved up, living in their own homes. I'd dread the conversations as they were talking about things that I didn't have - their partners, their children, their weddings, their houses, their mortgages - I had nothing to add to the conversation. It was hard.

I didn't stop going out with them but I was so bored by it all. I wasn't jealous of what they had - I just couldn't stand hearing about how wonderful their lives were when mine sucked.

The Sweeper

I've got to say, compromise is required by both sides.

I have never had a conversation with someone where either of us got to finish our sentences when there's a small child in the room (awake). Usually the parent is the one who has to respond to the interruptions, and that normally makes me feel very stupid, because after the fifth or sixth interruption I feel like what I was going to say really isn't that important and now it's been built up too much and I don't feel like continuing to talk about it.

But keep in mind, if your friends didn't respond to a crying child, or a crash somewhere from the depths of the house, you'd think they were dreadfully neglectful parents.

Subsequently if you're going to hang out with your friends and their kids, come prepared that it's going to be all about the kids. It's pointless trying to do grown up activities when there are small children around, so you're better off committing yourself to interacting with the kids. So no more boozy lunches where you skip off work and then fall into a taxi home with the giggles. Still, if you meet them half way on their terms, they should do the same for you, and be willing to host a post-bedtime night at their house where they cook and you bring the booze and grown-up entertainment for an evening that's all about the adults.

Even then, you need to be prepared that if one of the kids gets sick or wakes up, the evening needs to go on hold until they're sorted out.

Kids are pests when they're not your own - but think about it if they WERE your own. I would hope that you'd think of them first and the demands of your single friends second. The trick is finding a balance between supporting the new centre of your universe and not alienating your childless friends.

Suaimhneach

The other thing to keep in mind is, if these are long term friends this phase will pass. Maybe distance yourself until either the kids grow up or you have some of your own. I know how unbearable it can be, but if these are people who otherwise would be in your life then keep them around and maybe get closer with them again when this is over.

Times and things change, thats inevitable, but friendship is something not worth losing.

ratmouse

Think i know how you feel. I'm 29 and very much single after a long relationship ended almost a year ago. It's the same with all my friends only without all the baby talk. Instead, it's always about weddings and engagements. I don't mind them talking about these topics but does it have to be ALL the time? And it's not just cos I'm single. When I was in my relationship, engagement was a very big thing in my life but I never went on about it at all, but then again, I'm an individual that doesn't go on and on about my own life alot anyway. It's nice to hear how excited my friends are about the upcoming weddings, wedding dress shopping, etc but I don't think it should be the main topic of conversation all the time. I'm not single and bitter, I swear! I just find it almost uncaring to constantly presena conversation where a couple of us have nothing to contribute to. I can only imainge how it'll be once they are all married and start having kids! it'll be the same scenario as the OP me thinks!

Tupins

Hi OP, you have my sypmathies

I suppose I'm lucky in that I have quite a few friends who don't have kids as well as those that do but one of my friends in particular is my oldest friend. We basically grew up together and have always had a great laugh when we get togther. All that pretty much ended when she had her first child two years ago. I hardly saw her for the first while as she was busy with her baby understandably. As time went on I tried to call to her more and more but, as minesajackdaniels said, my sentences would go unfinished more often than not and in the end I gave up calling as I knew I wouldn't be able to have a proper conversation anyway. Even on the phone it was the same. Now that the child has a regular bedtime I try to only visit later on in the evenings. She literally never comes to my house as I think we just got into the habbit of me going to her when the baby was small to save the palaver of transporting baby, buggy, bags etc.

On one hand I know it's unfair of me to compain. She's just looking after her child as any other mother would. But I do miss the friend that I used to have and the saturdays we would spend shopping or whatever. Now she's expecting another child so I've resigned myself to the fact that I will just have to wait a few years until we can spend some time together again properly.

CorkLady1983

in the same boat myself, newly single again, and all my friends are in relationships...we'd normally have our annual girly holiday and this year they all just want to go on holidays with their boyfriends...I don't have a problem with that, I just get the impression that because I'm no longer in a relationship they see me in a different light or something. All they talk about is buying houses, getting married, watching brides of franc...I'm like come on guys, what happened to the fun....most of them want to be married by 30! ...

missfemale

poor thing i hate kids and a few of my friends have them, AGHHHHH they dont stop talking about them ha

CaptainSkidmark

iguana2005 wrote: »

Yes...am 36 and all my mates have babies(kids..). Just met them today for lunch and there were 3 of them all with buggies, talking the baby talk etc...

I felt so left out - I love my friends but are so caught up in babyworld.

Am so down today - dont have many single friends(1!). Feel like crap - why didnt it happen to me...they were all at the beach this morning while I was getting the bus to work.

Any ideas how to cope - dont particulaly feel like meeting them anymore being honest..

i'd really be thanking my lucky stars haha, dont get me wrong, i love kids an all but you have your freedom still!

Dudess

iguana2005 wrote: »

It was terrible today - am still thinking about it - they were branding their babies around like trophies! They are your typical yummy mummies - partners are well known and lots of money....

leave em' off - hopefully my time will come. i certenly will not treat single women the way I was today should I have a baby. Am a little more mature and sensitive then thaat.

Ghouls...

LOL - wonder what southern city you're from...

Listen, you gotta lose the resentment - that certainly won't help. Your posts do come across as quite bitter. I've probably pissed you off by saying that, but seriously... read them again. You seem to be angry with your friends, but it's not because they're talking about babies all the time (why shouldn't they? It's a pretty big deal), it's because it hasn't happened for you. And you seem a bit jealous I have to say.
What's actually wrong with what they're doing? And why do you feel treated badly? They are proud and overjoyed new mothers - they're behaving in a perfectly understandable fashion and I don't get why you think it's immature or insensitive. It's not about you I'm afraid - get used to that and things will get easier.

SheRa

Dudess wrote: »

LOL - wonder what southern city you're from...

Listen, you gotta lose the resentment - that certainly won't help. Your posts do come across as quite bitter. I've probably pissed you off by saying that, but seriously... read them again. You seem to be angry with your friends, but it's not because they're talking about babies all the time (why shouldn't they? It's a pretty big deal), it's because it hasn't happened for you. And you seem a bit jealous I have to say.
What's actually wrong with what they're doing? And why do you feel treated badly? They are proud and overjoyed new mothers - they're behaving in a perfectly understandable fashion and I don't get why you think it's immature or insensitive. It's not about you I'm afraid - get used to that and things will get easier.

Sorry Dudess but I completely disagree with you. I dont think that the OP sounds bitter at all. Yes of course its great that her friends have babies but it sounds like they have turned into babybores and also ladies who aren't very sensitive to the fact that maybe their friend feels left out.

In the past few months three of my close friends got engaged/married. Now there was a fair bit of wedding talk but they didn't go on and on about it as they were conscious that people could get bored about that after a while and were quite sensitive to the fact that I might be bored or envious of all the talk.

As it happens I am neither. I love hearing about their plans and seeing how happy they are makes me happy, but we all talk about things other than weddings too. The important thing for me was that that they are considerate. The OP's friends dont sound terribly so. Now I know that some might say that a baby is much more important than a wedding, but try telling that to some bridezillas that I've met in my time (obivously not my friends tho).

t-ha

iguana2005 wrote: »

Yes...am 36 and all my mates have babies(kids..). Just met them today for lunch and there were 3 of them all with buggies, talking the baby talk etc...

I felt so left out - I love my friends but are so caught up in babyworld.

Am so down today - dont have many single friends(1!). Feel like crap - why didnt it happen to me...they were all at the beach this morning while I was getting the bus to work.

Any ideas how to cope - dont particulaly feel like meeting them anymore being honest..

Listen, there is no escape from this, except younger friends! Former friends who now have babies will ****e on about them like it's the bees knees. TBH if you want me to do you during lunch-time it's cool - otherwise if it's baby-town you're after just hang on till they all have unruly teenagers who hate them while you head off on awesome holidays all year round...

at the beach being stupid conformist baby vessels?., like people have been for millions of years... don't you have something better to be doing?

t-ha

SheRa wrote: »

Sorry Dudess but I completely disagree with you. I dont think that the OP sounds bitter at all. Yes of course its great that her friends have babies but it sounds like they have turned into babybores and also ladies who aren't very sensitive to the fact that maybe their friend feels left out.

In the past few months three of my close friends got engaged/married. Now there was a fair bit of wedding talk but they didn't go on and on about it as they were conscious that people could get bored about that after a while and were quite sensitive to the fact that I might be bored or envious of all the talk.

As it happens I am neither. I love hearing about their plans and seeing how happy they are makes me happy, but we all talk about things other than weddings too. The important thing for me was that that they are considerate. The OP's friends dont sound terribly so. Now I know that some might say that a baby is much more important than a wedding, but try telling that to some bridezillas that I've met in my time (obivously not my friends tho).

Right on... babywhores are a serious danger to society. Also Dudess, there are 500 million of us here in this room and the general concensus is that you're a bitch?!

g'em

t-ha banned for a month.

Gyalist

Am so down today - dont have many single friends(1!). Feel like crap - why didnt it happen to me...they were all at the beach this morning while I was getting the bus to work.

That doesn't sound bitter to you?

Dudess

t-ha wrote: »

Dudess, there are 500 million of us here in this room and the general concensus is that you're a bitch?!

LOL - think I may have hit a nerve on a particular PI thread regarding guys being obsessed with who their sisters have sex with...

SheRa wrote: »

I dont think that the OP sounds bitter at all.

I'm just going by some of the language she uses:

iguana2005 wrote: »

why didnt it happen to me

dont particulaly feel like meeting them anymore being honest..

iguana2005 wrote: »

they were branding their babies around like trophies! They are your typical yummy mummies - partners are well known and lots of money....

leave em' off - hopefully my time will come. i certenly will not treat single women the way I was today should I have a baby. Am a little more mature and sensitive then thaat.

Ghouls...

"Ghouls" is quite the insult in Cork
Not something you'd call your friends.
iguana, the fact you ask "why didn't it happen to me?" would seem to indicate it's not the friends being wrapped up in their babies that's bothering you, but the fact that you're not in the same position as them.
And your last quote seems really resentful - how do you propose they hide their babies? The "partners well known with lots of money" comment just comes across as really jealous.
You're adamant you'd do things so much differently, but how do you know?

SheRa wrote:

Yes of course its great that her friends have babies

I'm not saying she has to be delighted for them - many people feel a bit of a pang when their friends have babies as it's the ultimate signal an era is over. And that's natural - it's unfair to expect people to be nothing but chuffed when their friends have babies. However... it's something that has to be accepted and respected and I don't understand what alternative manner they could act in when the babies are there. If the babies were being minded by others and it was just all the women getting together, then yes, I'd fully understand and appreciate iguana being pissed off if the others did nothing but witter on about their babies, but when the babies are present, what else can they do but shower attention on them? They can't exactly shove them to the side. And it's a common bond these new mothers share, so it's natural they'll swap tips, do comparisons etc. This kind of support network is something new mothers value greatly.
Of course they're wrapped up in Babyworld - there's nothing else a new parent can be. Babies aren't just a big deal - they're all-consuming.

OP, try and organise get-togethers with them when they can get childminders on board - and indeed, if the conversation becomes too baby-focused, give them a gentle reminder that you're there too. Or visit them individually rather than a group of them. I really enjoy visiting my friend and my cousin when their partner/husband is at work. And they don't go on about their babies because I'm not a mum so I'm not much use to them on that score.

Remember too, sometimes the novelty can wear off and a break from the baby is longed for. Right now though, just be understanding of how huge an upheaval this is in their lives.

Das Kitty

Whilst I don't think iguana is bitter (it's perfectly natural to feel down when so many of your friends have achieved what you would like to have), I do agree with Dudess on a lot of points.

Everyone wants to talk about what's most important in their lives, especially if what's most important is the same for the majority of the people together.

I really don't think they are being insensitive or immature by discussing this stuff. I don't think it's immature for my Grey's Anatomy loving colleagues to discuss that the morning after it's on just because I don't watch it myself.

What I would suggest iguana is to do two things

a. Try and make some new friends who are at the same stage as yourself
b. Maybe see the be-babied friends individually

Dudess

CorkLady1983 wrote: »

in the same boat myself, newly single again, and all my friends are in relationships...we'd normally have our annual girly holiday and this year they all just want to go on holidays with their boyfriends...I don't have a problem with that, I just get the impression that because I'm no longer in a relationship they see me in a different light or something. All they talk about is buying houses, getting married, watching brides of franc...I'm like come on guys, what happened to the fun....most of them want to be married by 30! ...

It's a certain kind of female who does that too though - many women, even those in the same position, consider it woefully boring (especially those as young as your friends).
A group of people going on and on and on about something they have in common (be it work, family circumstances, an interest in a particular sport) resulting in one person being left out... well it's understandable the conversation will steer that way, but after a certain point, it needs to stop. It's just unfair otherwise. However, as I said, if the babies are there, I don't see how it's actually possible to focus on anything else.

Das Kitty wrote: »

Whilst I don't think iguana is bitter (it's perfectly natural to feel down when so many of your friends have achieved what you would like to have)

That I agree with - I'm just referring to the language she uses though. Insulting them and being jealous is a considerable step further from being disappointed it hasn't happened for her (which is understandable).

metrovelvet

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

I've got to say, compromise is required by both sides.

I have never had a conversation with someone where either of us got to finish our sentences when there's a small child in the room (awake). Usually the parent is the one who has to respond to the interruptions, and that normally makes me feel very stupid, because after the fifth or sixth interruption I feel like what I was going to say really isn't that important and now it's been built up too much and I don't feel like continuing to talk about it.

But keep in mind, if your friends didn't respond to a crying child, or a crash somewhere from the depths of the house, you'd think they were dreadfully neglectful parents.

Subsequently if you're going to hang out with your friends and their kids, come prepared that it's going to be all about the kids. It's pointless trying to do grown up activities when there are small children around, so you're better off committing yourself to interacting with the kids. So no more boozy lunches where you skip off work and then fall into a taxi home with the giggles. Still, if you meet them half way on their terms, they should do the same for you, and be willing to host a post-bedtime night at their house where they cook and you bring the booze and grown-up entertainment for an evening that's all about the adults.

Even then, you need to be prepared that if one of the kids gets sick or wakes up, the evening needs to go on hold until they're sorted out.

Kids are pests when they're not your own - but think about it if they WERE your own. I would hope that you'd think of them first and the demands of your single friends second. The trick is finding a balance between supporting the new centre of your universe and not alienating your childless friends.

Parenthood is a life of incompletion. Incompleted thoughts, sleep,sentences, meals, phone calls, etc.

They may have beeen at the beach but believe me being at the beach with small babies and children is far far from relaxing. It is actually makes your job harder, your job being to stop your child from killing himself, or herself.

Life on the other side of any fence will seem greener, but there always invisible prices.

I can see why iguana you would feel left out, your friends have also radically shifted their lives into a different model. Their lives have changed and their children have changed them.

I have no doubt there is nothing more they would like than an adult conversation, but that is about as possible with a child in the room, as a mediterranean summer in Ireland.

mariaalice

I think sometime we expect too much of people...the op was a experiencing a bit of the .....if only things had been different that could have been me ...maybe the op isn't in a great place at the moment.

Kindness is a much underrated virtue.

Dudess

I've no doubt that's exactly what the OP has been experiencing, but getting angry with her friends is only making things worse for herself.

MJOR

Ah Op calling your friends ghouls is a bit OTT. Personally lots of my friends have kids, a few of them are single some are married. I think you need to understand that a baby is a big deal. It's life changing and i'm sure a huge deal to these ladies. I think really that feeling bitter won't change anything. You'll be the same when you have one.

its a happy event... be happy;)

sillyputty

MJOR wrote: »

Ah Op calling your friends ghouls is a bit OTT. I think you need to understand that a baby is a big deal. It's life changing and i'm sure a huge deal to these ladies. I think really that feeling bitter won't change anything. You'll be the same when you have one.

its a happy event... be happy;)

Agree 100%, the first of my friends my age is pregnant and i'm so happy for her because i understand its a huge deal and i will be exactly the same when or if i'm ever lucky enough to experience it.

Maybe the OP feels a little left behind, all her friends have families and she feels hard to relate to them? I know when i found out my friend was pregnant i panicked a little thinking everyone was starting to settle down and I don't even have a boyfriend.

MJOR

sillyputty wrote: »

Agree 100%, the first of my friends my age is pregnant and i'm so happy for her because i understand its a huge deal and i will be exactly the same when or if i'm ever lucky enough to experience it.

Maybe the OP feels a little left behind, all her friends have families and she feels hard to relate to them? I know when i found out my friend was pregnant i panicked a little thinking everyone was starting to settle down and I don't even have a boyfriend.

Don't feel that way.... i think that once YOU are happy you don't need to be on the same page as your friends... that is what make your group diverse and fun everyone being on different pages and stages!

Kiera12

Hi OP!

Im 22 and all my friends have kids, well not all but the ones I would hang out with most. I completely understand where your coming from! Its all talk bout babies, labour, where to bring the kids, babysitters, what type of buggy they have or creams they use etc..... they all went out on Mothers day and thats when i started to realise it was getting to me! It is a bit annoying like! I love the girls kids to bits especially my best friends little girl who is now 3! but it does get a little irritating when they all meet up for walks with the kids and im not asked or go for lunch together with the kids! Nights out have to be local as they might need to go home!

Not much i can do about it and im happy for my friends having such beautiful kids but just wanted to let you know i understand and feel the same!

SeekUp

Another tip -- it might be worth remembering that friends who have become new mothers probably miss you too! Of course it's frustrating from the non-baby side of the fence, but it's probably so crazy on the baby side of the fence that the new mothers are just trying to figure out how to cope with it all, how to make time for their partners, how to grab a minute for themselves, and then, maybe, how to connect with friends.

I'm learning that a little bit of patience goes a long way.

missmatty

Depends on the person really. Two of us (one single one engaged) are back from lunch with a work colleague who's off on maternity leave, we love when she brings the baby and talk all the baby stuff with her. But she is very aware of not being a baby bore and only for us going on about it I'd say she wouldn't mention her at all!

I can see what the op means, most of my friends and colleagues are in long-term relationships/engaged/married/kids. Most of the time it doesn't bother me at all but a few of them are bores about it sometimes. Most aren't. In fact the most one who annoys me is a single mid 30s girl who's dying for a man and a baby and goes on about both things incessantly, flirts with anything in trousers that passes by and talks babytalk to her niece on the work phone every afternoon :rolleyes:

btw i didn't realise 'ghoul' was such an insult!

yellowbrickroad

you should tell them how you feel they probably don't even notice what their saying anymore coz thats all they know right now,all their probably doing all day is changing ****ty nappies, cleaning puke, and losing sleep, so right now, thats the only world they know right now, and its your job to pull them out of baby land and bring them back down to normality, maybe suggest they leave them with a relative or their partners and have a girls night out/in , in your place of course, and make them swear they won't mention the B word!