Need advice - a bit upset

LegacyUser

Hi. Well, i've been with a guy nearly 5 years and just lately he announced he wants a break. In fairness to him i have been really cranky lately studying for exams by night and working all day. He said he just needs space, but hasn't contacted me in nearly a week. I'm getting worried that he has had enough of me. When we're together normally we have a great time, make each other laugh etc. but this has been a bit diminished lately. I want to ring him and tell him how much i miss him, but i think that might just drive him further away. On the plus side i tried taking my things from his house and he said not to, and i'm taking this as a good sign.
I'm not eating, sleeping ect. and really need some advice. I can't imagine my life without him, and neither do i want to.
Can anyone tell me how to convince him that i'm still the girl he fell in love with?

greatandgood

After 5 years I think you deserve an explanation, or at least some discussion as to what's gone wrong and why your boyfriend is unhappy. You seem to have an inkling of the issues on your side and if that's what's wrong then its not unreasonable for you to ask for a chance to explain and perhaps work to improve on these issues.

I suspect there may be more to it than that though but the only way you'll know is if you talk to him. It doesn't sound good to be honest. If he's a decent bloke he'll agree to a final chat but be prepared for silence.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you're saying i should give up?

Cormb

An explanation for it would be nice but maybe a week apart or without contact isn't a bad thing if he genuinely feels the need for space. If after 2 weeks, there has been no reason given or contact made, perhaps you could send a text or an email to ask to talk about it?

Over the 5 years, surely you have seen each other in all sorts of humours - good, bad or cranky? In your shoes, it would make me curious (at the very least) as to the reason behind it.

Maybe all he needs is a bit of time and he'll be ready to have a frank discussion on it.

challengemaster

5 years and you decide to 'have a break' and avoid one another for ages instead of having a talk about things?....

LegacyUser

IME the worst thing to do in a situation like this is contact him, trust me you will drive him further away. He obviously has the "5 year itch" and the best thing to do is leave him be and let him sort his head out, contacting him is going to do neither of you any good, what if he doesn't reply you will be driving yourself mad. You need to make him miss you. I know it's a cliche but absence makes the heart grow fonder, it really does, unless it's an unfortunate case where it's too late for all that and the relationship is over in his eyes.

How old are you as a matter of interest?

fluffywoofie

ok u need to calm down 5 years isnt thrown away that easily did he say how long the break was for the hardest part for u is not knowing what he is thinking but u need to brave it out it sounds like he has already made up his mind that he wants to stay wit u but just needs space if he hasnt contacted in 3 weeks 4m now then it would be time to get ur stuff and demand answers

LegacyUser

I'm 27 he's 29. He called last night just to see how the study was going. Nothing much was said. I do think (hope!) he still loves me. I think i'm going to take the advice given and let him do his own thing for the moment. If he does want to be with me, i suppose that's the only way i'll really find out.

MollyRo

Hi there

last summer i broke up with my bf after 7 years. I'll be brutally honest here and apologies in advance if this hurts a little. I asked him if we could take a break (we lived together for years). we had not been getting along for a while and frankly he had been showing little respect for me and refused to have conversations about our relationship difficulties... I wanted to take the break to sort my head out and figure out what I wanted to do with the relationship - but looking back now I was sub-consciously doing it so that we could go through a sort of transitional period and soften the blow of a complete break up... I know it sounds a little selfish... I don't really believe in breaks - they rarely work...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Have to say carrie1979 prob right.

LegacyUser

Oh now i'm worried. Has anyone had experience where a break has worked? An idea what i could say or do? He says he still loves me, or am i just clutching at straws?

MollyRo

god I feel really bad now. start focusing on yourself and prepare yourself maybe... or maybe just say it straight to him... ask him if he wants to split up permanently. you dont want things to hang in the air and unsaid! i'm sorry if i upset you

LegacyUser

I had myself prepared for the worst case scenario - but theres something telling me he does want to be with me. God i feel silly even writing it down. Even up to last week we were making plans for a weekend away etc. I just want things to be back to the way they were. We were great together, and talked about the future.

MollyRo

Well I suppose that is something... all you can do is be straight with him. a break should be a mutual decision its not fair on you to be left in limbo really is it?

MollyRo

just read the original post. you should not have to convince him of anything.. after 5 years together he knows who you are. take it easy on yourself

greatandgood

Unregistered wrote: »

It sounds like you're saying i should give up?

Yeah, basically.

I know this is tough and the lack of control you feel over the situation is very frustrating but at the moment the ball is in his court, and it doesn't look good. It sounds like this was a 'growing up' together kind of relationship and it's run its course.

LegacyUser

Breaks never work. I know at least 5 couples who have gone on 'breaks' and not gotten back together, if the relationship is good and happy there should be no need for a break. Unfortunately most people take breaks to soften the blow.

LegacyUser

Hiya, I don't want to give you false hope or anything, just more of a balanced view. If pop-psychology is anything to go by it will tell you that when are dealt with problems they like to retreat into their 'cave' so to speak and work things out for themselves. Now while many use it to soften the blow of a break-up, other people do genuinely need the space to themsleves in order to come back to the relationship wholeheartedly.
Now for the advice that everyone is probably gonna give you:
The best thing for you to do is to get on with your life and try and establish your own needs. For the first time in 5 years you are allowed to be selfish and concentrate on you, your friends, your life without having to check in with another person all the time. If he does still want to be with you and is genuinely taking this space for himself and to sort his head out, your relationship will be stronger. But if he is trying to soften the blow of a break up, then it means that there are reasons he feels he can't do it outright. If you contact him and appear needy during this space he will feel even less inclined to break up with you and as hard as it may be, it might be what he really wants. If you don't allow him this space he might get back with you when he doesn't want to and it won't make you or him happy in the long run.
Having said all that, my oh needed space at one stage. He was depressed and needed to work things out for himself and couldn't do that with me as the pressure of worrying about how he was affecting me and our relationship was hindering his progress.
Every couple is different, don't worry about what will happen in the future. If nothing, life is full of surprises and worrying will not affect the outcome. Worrying will also not change what is going on in your boyfriends head. Easier said than done..I know only too well.
But please try to use this space for yourself, take it as an opportunity. Do something you've always wanted to do but couldn't while with him. Enjoy your freedom and I hope it all works out xxx