Commitment-phobic

LegacyUser

The title is pretty self-explanatory.

Basically I have commitment issues, to the point where I can't even commit to going on a second date with someone.
I'm female, 24 years old, have had flings, dates, holiday romances, but nothing long-lasting or meaningful to-date.
I've brushed it off as the result of being 'extremely independent' for so long but know that that's just bulls**t, not to mention completely transparent. Sure, I like my personal space, my 'me' time, doing my own thing without having to be answerable to anyone, maybe even to an extreme, but it's just self defeating at this point and really getting to me.
I definitely have confidence issues - not at all happy with my appearance but with no apparent reason (not overweight and haven't been slapped with the ugly stick or anything!) and this is a constant source of misery and guilt for me - why can't I be happy with my lot?
Because of this, and maybe the 'independent' thing also, I'm never truly 'out there', despite conscious efforts to be. Have tried the online dating thing, went on one date with a lovely guy, couldn't commit to a second date.
I find I get ridiculously shy around guys I'm attracted to at work etc and become almost mute, even though my personality is the opposite. I'm also sure I come across as pretty unapproachable, as I haven't really mastered the flirting thing either (probably confidence issues again) so that's not helping my prospects of getting a date either.

...don't I sound like a barrel of laughs!! Am I a complete hopeless case??

bluecell99

a hopeless case ? No,but,as you have recognised yourself,you have issues .Somewhere along the line you were let down and your psyche has an in built fear of this happening again.

Examine this and open yourself to more committment with someone.Not everyone is unreliable and while sometimes its frustrating being disappointed,unfortunately its part of life.

The good news is that provided you are open and learn to take the good with the bad then a meaningful relationship awaits you.

LegacyUser

bluecell99 wrote: »

a hopeless case ? ...Somewhere along the line you were let down and your psyche has an in built fear of this happening again.

Thanks Bluecell. Although tbh I can't say I've ever been let down as I don't think I've actually let anyone in before. Previous relationships have all been short-lived and frivolous; it's not been a case of getting burned and shutting off.

I am constantly examining myself, but how do I 'open' myself 'to more commitment with someone'?

bluecell99

you open yourself by trusting someone - even at the risk of being let down - and you say yes to a second date.No expectations and no pressure.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Because of this, and maybe the 'independent' thing also, I'm never truly 'out there', despite conscious efforts to be. Have tried the online dating thing, went on one date with a lovely guy, couldn't commit to a second date.
I find I get ridiculously shy around guys I'm attracted to at work etc and become almost mute, even though my personality is the opposite. I'm also sure I come across as pretty unapproachable, as I haven't really mastered the flirting thing either (probably confidence issues again) so that's not helping my prospects of getting a date either.

...don't I sound like a barrel of laughs!! Am I a complete hopeless case??

Hey OP, you are not a complete hopeless case at all

You sound a bit like my bf when I first met him
We met online, and got on well, and when we first met up, it was for a coffee.

He could have written a lot of what you have said above, and he was crippled with nerves when we met for the coffee.

I was meeting him after work, en route to a work related social so was suited and booted so to speak.

He got through the coffee date (made a few major faux pas like talking to my boobs and even worse, realising he was doing so, and blurting out "I'm talking to your cleavage", then going red, and hiding under the table, poor guy, tries to use humour to defuse things when he feels awkward)

Other than that, the date went well, we built up on what we'd chatted about online, and went our seperate ways.

We got back to chatting online a day or so later and arranged to meet up for lunch, he was delayed and ended up ringing me stammering down the phone that he was late due to a family issue, and if I wanted to cancel cos he'd be late that was fine (turned out he was scared even more ****less that date 2 would go up the swanny in his mind )

Anyway, I copped fairly quickly that he was wary of getting into a relationship, and kind of adopted a wait and see attitude, it was months ago, we took it slowly, and months later, we are starting to develop a nice relationship, he's gotten much more confident bit by bit and we are off on holiday in the next month together for a week or so.

So I suppose my point is, that if he can do it, you can, I do know that he found it hard personally, and had to make a huge effort, but I think that he now thinks (can't say for definite as I can't read his mind) that it was worth making the leap so to speak to the second date, and then chancing a third and fourth and so on.

So the best I can say to you is take a chance, and take things at your pace, keep what you want to, private, and with the right bloke you might well be pleasantly surprised.

Blue_Wolf

Don't care about what they think of you, this will let you open up a lot more to expressing yourself. What's the harm anyways, doesn't work out than no second date which is what's happening now so you have nothing to lose. Go out, have fun, if 1st date goes well, than the 2nd date will be even better