Bedroom Problems

LegacyUser

So, I've been seeing this guy for about 10 mths... He's lovely and we get on great, have loads of fun, love hanging about, but there is absolutley no sexual chemistry, at all. Not even a little bit.

The first few times we were messing about and nothing happened, it was attributed to being too drunk/nervous etc. but that was a long long time ago now. Doesn't really seem to make sense to me, I figured you like someone, you're attracted to them, having fun+feeling good... doesn't seem like something where too much can go wrong. Never have any problem "getting in the mood" so to speak, he just never finishes... (bar a handful of times that seemed unremarkable, like no difference to usual attempts). He said it's never happened with anyone else, on my end it hasn't either...and it's all very confusing and frustrating.

Obviously it's embarassing for him, so of course I don't raise the subject much, just the occassional query about what he'd like n' stuff, what's nice etc. Really doing a number on my ego though, I know he feels bad, but I do feel like a complete failure.

So my question is, do some people just not have chemistry?

*oh yeh, we've both had previous partners, think he said he's had about 5. Both healthy, 21.

It's the point now where I'm almost not looking forward to nights out cos I'll end up feeling like such a let down.
(No happy endings for me either, but I'm more of a giver anyways. Also, he's not really willing to try too many diff positions/diff things, kind of makes sense I guess, probably shouldn't be trying the fancy things if can't work with the basics.) Obviously when we're around each other we're going to mess around, only 1 in about 15 times or something he'll "finish." No matter what I do, I was told I'm actually good at some things, but nothing seems to do it for him...

Also, if there is no chemistry.....should I break up with him? Seems really shallow to break up over something like this if he's happy.

I've not mentioned anything like breakin up with him, I'd thought that might just make things worse, but things aren't getting better. He's the nicest, funnest guy I've ever gone out with and he treats me really well and I'm really comfortable around and he "gets" me and is good for me. He says similar things about me and loves me to bits.

If it weren't for this I think things'd be pretty perfect so I haven't really done anything drastic yet, just enjoying his company and having fun etc. (Well, nothing's perfect, everyone has the odd tiff over something stupid, that just makes it normal and real)

Anyone know what I should do?

Orla K

Whatever the original problem was it sounds like both of you have this idea of how sex will be and you end up making it happen.

You have chemistry

He's the nicest, funnest guy I've ever gone out with and he treats me really well and I'm really comfortable around and he "gets" me and is good for me. He says similar things about me and loves me to bits.

Try and think about why it happened(or didn't happen) the first one or two times and get rid of this notion that it'll be disappointing.

LegacyUser

See, since those first few times, we have had a few "successes." (Perseverence and relaxing and just enjoying the moment etc) But it's been marginal, I really would've expected us to have some kind of rhythm which each other...and have gotten the hang of being around each other in that context, esp after 10 months, (it's all pretty normal, we share a bed a couple of times a week, so, this "thing" has come up a lot, it seems a complete lucky dip whether he'll "enjoy" it ).

Really, with all the patience and stuff, things in that area have not gotten any better.

LegacyUser

Firstly don't be calling yourself a bedroom letdown as you clearly want him to have a good time, and what guy does not want a women like that.

I'm not sure what you mean by "no sexual chemistry" but anyway...

I'm a bloke now in my 30's but when i was younger (about 20) and in my first serious sexual relationship (and i was crazy about her) it would take me 70 minutes plus to climax sometimes 90 minutes plus of non-stop sex, and sometimes never (just give up), stiff as a rake the whole time, it was more a question of running out of energy as opposed to running out of libido. And to be honest sometimes it got painful and sometimes it got boring (probably for her as well) and, so mostly I'd just wait till she was done and that was that, the situation was not ideal but i didn't know any better, her ahem* manual techniques were not so good (that was especially the painful part), but i never said anything, probably because i didn't know what to say, we only split up because she quit University and trust me I was devastated.

The same thing happened with the next gf but somewhere along the line (about 23, 24), it all changed and I can remember it was first thing in the morning and i was on the morning glory, she didn't want to have sex that time but she obliged me anyway in a "oh ok then [groan]" and bang, less than 10 minutes the payload was delivered, 'twas abit of a shock hence why i remember it so well.

Now with her she was constantly after it (she was spanish) even when i wasn't too pushed & trust me I didn't get a choice in the matter, bed, shower, bath, me on a chair her on top (a particular favourite of mine), on the floor of the bedroom, on the floor of the kitchen (not recommended), on the couch, literally everywhere, it was ironic that the time she didn't want it, was the breakthrough LOL!!
Maybe she just broke me through shear hard work, also her manual technique was A+.

Pretty much ever since then it can be anything from 5 to 25 minutes depending on the need for speed. Anything more and it would have to be second or third innings, if you know what i mean, no more 90 minute epics for me.

If you put me-now in a time machine back with the first girl I'd be like a semi automatic machine gun ready to go off, that's how hot i thought she was, so don't be thinking it's because of you.

Maybe it's physiology, maybe it's lifestyle (smoking, drinking, eating, exercise related)
I don't know what it was for me but it seemed to change so quick for me I didn't really understand myself.

When i was that age I never really knew what to say regarding sex to women, I just went with the flow like a clueless idiot and wasn't too bothered if I came or not. But i think the spanish girl was good for me because she really took control, and just demanded it.

I'm not sure how helpful that is to you, but anyway .lifestory.


Oh and definitly try the [him on the chair you on top]...so erotic, so underrated, he can see everything, touch everything, and you have to do all the hard work LOL!!!

bluecell99

You and him are good friends but no more than that.While its always good to have mates its clear you want more and why not.Its not happening here so I think you already know the answer.You owe it to yourself.

Yes some things in life are never easy to confront but you will be stronger and happier as a result


best of luck.

CDfm

He doesnt seem that experienced and may be afraid to admit it.

At that age admitting that to a girl could be a problem. You don't need to make him fess up but you could pick up a book for the bedroom and leave it around.

Have you guys tried all over massages etc as they might get him used to the whole idea of touching you and him touching you.

beggars_bush

take it one stage at a time, kissing, masturbation, oral

don't worry about sex. it should happen once ye are having fun

CDfm

beggars_bush wrote: »

take it one stage at a time, kissing, masturbation, oral

don't worry about sex. it should happen once ye are having fun

I would leave strap ons out for now:D:D:D

But the general sentiment here is bang on -lots of hugging and touching and exploring to find each others funzones and you will get there.

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like your good mates more than anything.

LegacyUser

Hi op, my boyfriend was like yours. A combination of weed, anti-depressants didn't help but the overwhelming factor was just stress and fear of it happening time and time again. If it happens once or twice that can leave an awful psychological imprint and will prevent things happening in the future. A few people have mentioned that you both are nothing more than good friends but that was definately not the case with us, in fact we fancied each other like mad. A few bad experiences can make a guy so stressed out that nothing will make him come. For us, we simply stopped "trying". We literally only went as far as it felt comfortable to do so and did lots of things like naked cuddling etc etc. As soon as he got over his feelings of inadequacy and his fear of it happening each time we had sex things changed. 3 years later we are both having the best sex of our lives. Im not boasting but he is literally amazing in bed and now all I have to do is give him a certain look and he's hard and rearing to go!
If you love him, talk to him as kindly and gently as you can. This is going to be very very difficult for him to talk openly about but if you love each other and put in the time and effort then it is a problem that can overcome. Best of luck x

LegacyUser

There is a drug Cialis which doctors perscripe for anxiety of a sexual nature in men.

if b/f isnt too shy maybe its not too much to do a GP visit

Bottle_of_Smoke

Don't worry about him not finishing, I can really echo post #4 with my experience.

Sex improves the more you do it. Sometimes its great straight away but thats just being extra lucky, if you really like him just keep doing it until it gets better.

If you know you're both clean you could go on the pill and ditch condoms, that can make things a lot better, feels nicer and the foreplay isn't interrupted by having to fit one on.

Try and spice things up, get yourself waxed, insist on new positions, if he sees you're turned on it will turn him on.