Dealing with 'orbiters' ?

LegacyUser

Hey hey,

Going unregged for this one guys, just on the off-chance.

My girlfriend has a lot of male friends who she sees every day and hangs out with a lot. I trust her completely and know she would never do anything to hurt me, but it still annoys me sometimes when she hangs out with these lads, though I'm not entirely sure why. They are clearly in love with her, which annoys me no end - just yesterday I popped around to say hello and they were all rejoicing in telling me a story about how some food fell down her top and how "hmmm...only Mike noticed...I wonder why?!", trying to imply he had been staring at her cleavage. I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny. Everyone stopped talking then and I felt like a bit of a wanker so I just got up and left to pour myself a drink.

I just find it very hard to deal with these guys slobbering all over her - I'm not a jealous bloke as such, but she only spends her time with other lads, and yesterday when she was playing drums with a guy who openly admits to being in love with her, I got very annoyed - even though I don't mind that guy as such - at least he has to good graces to admit it.

I'm wrought with, not jealousy, but....I don't know the correct term, annoyance I guess whenever we go out and she hangs out with these guys. I don't know what to do. She is SO conscious of how our relationship seems to make her friends uncomfortable that she seems to pay little heed to the fact that I need attention too. One of her male friends got really upset with her a while ago, claiming I was 'stealing her away'. She cried for weeks and it hasn't been the same since. I'm not stealing her away, I want her to be happy, but I also want her to be mine (in the non weird possessive sense).

Any advice?

Also, I'm posting here with a roommate who also wants to ask a question - his girlfriend is wearing revealing clothing all the time. Really revealing. It makes him uncomfortable and he can't really say anything or it will upset her (she will not be controlled or limited in any way like that). What can he do ?

Thanks a lot !

Mal-Adjusted

Cavancowboy wrote: »

I'm wrought with, not jealousy, but....I don't know the correct term, annoyance I guess whenever we go out and she hangs out with these guys. I don't know what to do. She is SO conscious of how our relationship seems to make her friends uncomfortable that she seems to pay little heed to the fact that I need attention too. One of her male friends got really upset with her a while ago, claiming I was 'stealing her away'. She cried for weeks and it hasn't been the same since. I'm not stealing her away, I want her to be happy, but I also want her to be mine (in the non weird possessive sense).

I'd say your annoyed at the characters of these manipulators. they know she's in a healthy relationship, but still want to ruin it for their own ends...they're possibly quite jealous of you. i.m quite amazed she hasn't seen it. my advice would be to start going to really romantic places, somewhere her friends could'nt expect to come along, or else go in large groups with your buddies as well...do NOT get stuck and outnumbered by her male friends, that's what they want. i've seen people like this, they'll try to subtly take the piss out of you when they can, the thing about the food going down her top was a perfect example.

Cavancowboy wrote: »

Also, I'm posting here with a roommate who also wants to ask a question - his girlfriend is wearing revealing clothing all the time. Really revealing. It makes him uncomfortable and he can't really say anything or it will upset her (she will not be controlled or limited in any way like that). What can he do ?

Thanks a lot !

short answer, nothing. nope. nada. zilch.

long answer, say it to her subtly and get into a fight

cafecolour

"Stealing her away?" He's either 15 or that's intentional passive-aggressive sabotage. You are her boyfriend for ****s sake!

This is a hard one. On one hand, these lads are, for the most part, waiting in the wings, hoping you will fail.

On the other hand, they are doing something of a favour. The sort of girl who surrounds herself entirely with male friends who adore her, tends to be, in my experience, extremely emotionally high-maintenance. She is used to being the center of attention, is used to getting her way (and flirting to get her way), is really used to everyone focusing on her needs. These lads are taking some of that off your shoulders now, without that, she'd want that entirely from you and it will suck you dry.

Maybe she's different, I do not know. Maybe you can wean her off all but a few and substitute in female/gay male friends. Good luck.

For the other question - just tell him to start prancing around in his boxers. If he has to put up with it, he might as well enjoy the same freedom.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you're annoyed(and I would be too) for a number of other reasons than basic male jealousy.

1. These dicks have no respect for you. If your friend's boyfriend is around you do not make any reference to her breasts, no matter what. Its like a conversation that has "police line, do not cross" tape around it. Other areas included her sexual history, ex boyfriends, ass, etc.

Her spending time with guys who have no respect for you or your relationship with her has to be extrememly irritating for you.

2 She's the type of person who needs this kind of attention from guys who think being her best friend is better than not being with her. Thats a pathetic feature in a guy and she's well aware of it. Why does she need this attention? Suggests she's not entirely satisfied with you and that annoys you. Also could suggest shes not the girl you thought she was or the girl she could be if she copped on.

3 She doesn't respect you. If she did she wouldn't put up with their behavour or sit on their laps playing drums. She wants the best of both worlds. All their eyes on her and a guy she's sexually attracted to.

She cried because a guy said you were stealing you away? Come on, she was crying because she was terrified they'd find a replacement and she wouldn't be the centre of their universe.

I'm not optimistic for you, these type girls generally need to sort themselves out, she's not prepared to leave a teenage fantasy in the past just yet(actually how old is she? I'm guessing late teens/very early twenties). I think she sees you as guaranteed and will probably only devote more of her time to you if she sees other girls might be interested in you.

Perhaps talk to her about them, ask if they're seeing anyone. Discuss how you think its odd to hang out with a girl you really like when she's not single. Start off light because this is an area she probably avoids thinking about.

As for your friend, maybe he should talk about how sophisticated girls with clothes on look. Any trashy references to her clothes are likely to cause all hell to break loose.

CDfm

OP -what age are you both.

pow wow

Girls are rarely unaware of their guy friends intentions and if they're being as suggestive as you say and possessive of her, it's likely she enjoys the attention. Whether she would go further than getting a kick out of it only you know.

Most of my friends are guys, but our friendship is the same as I would have with any girl, they just happen to be male.

Kimia

Totally agree with what others have said.

This girl is definitely loving the attention from all these guys who are in love with her. AND i'm sorry, no matter how fabulous or good-looking she is, she's obviously not telling the lads that there's no chance, or they would have moved on already (except if they were total losers).

Why don't you start hanging out with a female friend - you don't have to do anything suspect or lead the female friend on - just talk incessently about her and you will drive your gf INSANE. She'll want all your attention, and just say to her, well you have your male friends, what's the problem?

Or just tell her straight out - although I can't see this one working out too well. She LOVES the attention from the lads and has enjoyed having the best of both worlds for a while. It'll take a lot to drag her away from that.