New relationship - scared

LegacyUser

I started dating a man, lets call him John, about 4 weeks ago now. We seem to be gettin on well and things are moving quite quickly(by my standards anyway).

I'd been single for about a year and a half before that and was pretty miserable for most of it. I'd come out of a long term realtionship which wasn't very good, Previous partner had been a very selfish person and could be quite manipulative/mentally abusive and on 2 occassions physically. Second occassion was the final straw that ended the relationship. Other things happened within the relationship that I had to deal with and it affected my work, everything. I was left feeling very lonely, with no confidence and thinking I was going to be alone forever.

Family & friends were brilliant & I slowly built back of my confidence. I started dating again about 9 months ago which helped even more. I suppose about 6 months ago I finally got back to the old me. I was happy to be single, confident in myself again. I'm not unnattractive and have always gotten a fair bit of male attention so I started dating quite a bit more. Had a number of guys after me and must say I was really enjoying the attention and not thinking about getting into a relationship with any.

Then I met John, he bowled me over. We've been seeing each other every other day since we met and things are going swimmingly. However, I think it's getting to the point where he wants to define or relationship i.e. make it official. This really, really scares me. I'm not quiet sure why, I'm afraid of gettin hurt, I've just gotten back to my old self and I'm happy and confident in myself and I'm afraid of losing that again.

I think I am actually falling in love with him & I don't want to ruin this. He is fantastic and I don't think he is anything like my ex but I just can't help feeling slightly cynical. It just all feels to good to be true and I don't know if I want to take a risk.

If anyones been in this sort of situation I would love some insight, advice or opinions.

Thanks and apologies if I've rambled.

Babooshka

Hiya

I'd say be honest with him and tell him where you're coming from, i.e. out of a bad experience and only finding your feet. I'd really also not see him every day as 4 weeks is a very short time, and I know when you first meet someone the intensity of feelings is fabulous and it's all lovely, but you do need your own time to remain independent and not fly into it all too soon, why not keep it to seeing him once midweek and then weekends or something...and try enjoy it for the fun stuff right now, let him know you really like him, but you've started a really important relationship with someone else you really like lately...yourself, and you need to keep that one going. To say you're falling in love with someone after 4 weeks, it might seem that way, but love takes time. Enjoy it and don't panic! Good luck.

LegacyUser

Babooshka, thanks for your reply. I see where you are coming from but I think telling him about my past at this early stage would scare any man off, I don't want to be gettin all heavy when we are having such a good time.

I don't think we're spending too much time together. We enjoy it, and it's usually me who suggests taking a night off, I like time to myself and to spend on my own with my friends too.

BTW I don't need to be told if I'm falling in love or not. We're not teenagers. After spending so much time together for what is the best part of a month I think I'm pretty sure of my feelings.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

This really, really scares me. I'm not quiet sure why

In fact you are sure, you've given the exact reason here:

I'm afraid of gettin hurt, I've just gotten back to my old self and I'm happy and confident in myself and I'm afraid of losing that again.

When a long term relationship is over you are left feeling crap, for some time.
You entered into the relationship thinking everything would be rosey, life will be great forever and BAM, how wrong were you!?
That takes time to get over. Your confidence can take a knock and trusting your judgment can be difficult.

Take it slow with John, enjoy the time, don't put pressure on it. Have no expectations.
Life is a risk and at this stage you probably know that it's the moments that should be treasured, not the future you cannot predict.
Relax and enjoy it.
The alternative is wrapping yourself in bubblewrap and never leaving the house.
Not much fun.

Kirnsy

+1 to the above.


slowly softly is the key along with open honest communication.

i think that is the key... that you don't feel rushed into the relationship but that john doesn't feel like he's being played along. be honest and upfront about both the reasons for feeling the way that you do...and your feelings for him.

if he's a guy worth falling in love with he'll respect where you are coming from.

Babooshka

Unregistered wrote: »

Babooshka, thanks for your reply. I see where you are coming from but I think telling him about my past at this early stage would scare any man off, I don't want to be gettin all heavy when we are having such a good time.

I don't think we're spending too much time together. We enjoy it, and it's usually me who suggests taking a night off, I like time to myself and to spend on my own with my friends too.

BTW I don't need to be told if I'm falling in love or not. We're not teenagers. After spending so much time together for what is the best part of a month I think I'm pretty sure of my feelings.

Hi there

Just to clairify I did not mean that you need to disclose all your personal details so soon into something at all, quite the opposite in fact.
I take it if you've spent so much time together in a month, as you say, that you talk about stuff though, and I merely meant that, just as you speak to your close friends, that if you feel you want your time out to yourself that you just honestly tell John that through experience you are not in favour of spending all day every day with someone and you love spending time alone as well as seeing him without divulging any details of your past.

Nor, did I mean to insinuate that you are immature, or are being silly by feeling sure you are in love after a month. I'm not saying you're not at all and I didn't mean any offence, I just meant that sometimes what feels like love after a month is not exactly a certain thing, and obviously you know that yourself which is why you are feeling conflicting emotions.

I get that completely...no one has ever come out of a relationship with their confidence intact and no one wants to begin feeling vulnerable again, but as soon as you feel something for someone, you invariably do.

...Which is why I suggested keeping your own special "you" time to yourself, I advocate this no matter how long people are together, if they're madly in love, married, kids, the whole deal, you still need your own thing too. But as you said you do want to do that too which is great.

Anyway sorry I'm rambling now, didn't mean to sound patronising if I did in my first reply...I wish you the very best, and really hope you enjoy your new realtionship, as it's just a baby in the making at this stage, a month is a very small drop in a ginormous ocean...good luck

kevmy

Unregistered wrote: »

Then I met John, he bowled me over. We've been seeing each other every other day since we met and things are going swimmingly. However, I think it's getting to the point where he wants to define or relationship i.e. make it official. This really, really scares me. I'm not quiet sure why, I'm afraid of gettin hurt, I've just gotten back to my old self and I'm happy and confident in myself and I'm afraid of losing that again.

It seems at this stage your probably going to be hurt if something happens anyway. It's not a bout labels, it's about feelings. If you like him and you get hurt it doesn't matter whether you called yourself bf and gf.

Unregistered wrote: »

Babooshka, thanks for your reply. I see where you are coming from but I think telling him about my past at this early stage would scare any man off, I don't want to be gettin all heavy when we are having such a good time.

I don't think we're spending too much time together. We enjoy it, and it's usually me who suggests taking a night off, I like time to myself and to spend on my own with my friends too.

BTW I don't need to be told if I'm falling in love or not. We're not teenagers. After spending so much time together for what is the best part of a month I think I'm pretty sure of my feelings.

I think most men recognise that their gfs or whatever would be shaped by past experiences especially in relationships. Tell him you want to take it slow and tell him you had a bad experience in the past (you won't need to give full details). If he's into you he will appreciate your honesty above anything else and he won't be scared away (there isn't really anything to be scared of anyway).

SarahSassy

OP, you cant run for this because you are scared... What then happens when you meet the next nice guy and he wants to make a go of it and then the next one...

Ill guess in your heart you know that you want to continue but your head is messing with your heart....

Go on... give it a go... live a little.

Morag

Tbh you are doing well to have gotten so far, so stop beating yourself up about being wary.

LegacyUser

OP Here,

Thanks for your replies. I've decided to just go with it. I don't want to end up regretting letting him go because he really is the nicest most considerate guy I've met in a long time. I can't remember ever feeling this way about someone and it just feels right. Momentary laps of judgement/panic attack over. Thanks guys :-)