Being like the Ex

IlikePostcards

Now to be fair, I am an American girl who is dating an Irish guy... I'm totally lost here.

We have been dating about six months (yeah!) Ronan and I met during our master's program and haven't really spent any time apart since we first met back in October. I think we love each other, and I'm pretty sure he might actually be "the one," but more and more we see each other I'm growing concerned that there is nothing different about our relationship from his past ones. There was one girl, the last relationship he was in, where they lived together, went to soccer games together, and ever posted questions on boards.ie referencing her. Now, well we don't live together yet, but we go to matches together, he posts about me on boards, but it just feels like nothing has changed.

I love him, I'm pretty sure about it, and I've given up/changed a lot about myself, not for him, but for us, and our happiness as a couple My first question, is should I be worried that it appears that nothing is different from his perspective, where things are very different from mine? Second, I am being reckless with my heart and soul for doing all this stuff for him? (even though it's for us.) **i'm too smart to be taken in by some guy, i hope**

The thought of him with someone else actually makes me sick, and reading some of the posts of boards when refers to her as "the misses, my girlfriend, etc." just kills me. My past isn't very good, and I trust him even though his last relationship ended with him cheating on her, my main concern out of all of this is just that I am worried that I am being too trusting and giving too much of myself. I just don't think he has it in him to be a cruel human being by breaking me heart.

Help?!

biko

Bringing you to games is just involving you in what he likes doing.
Writing about you on boards might just be bragging? Without reading exactly what he says it's hard to know.

Some guys like when things are easy and trouble free. We don't want drama/huge rows over nothing and our relationships evolve about the same.
There is nothing to say he will cheat on you just because he takes you to soccer games. You are not his ex!

Hope this helps

Xiney

ok I don't really understand your specific question, but here's what I did get from that:

a) this relationship is different from the ones you've had in the past, although you seem to think he is treating his relationship with you the same as he treated his past ones. Do you think that you are more committed to him than he is to you?

b) he cheated on his last girlfriend, and you are now e-snooping on his past posts on boards and find that he called her the missus the same has he calls you the missus in present posts on boards and you now fear that this means he will cheat on you as well?

RxQueen

being to trusting??? please :rolleyes: you are reading his past posts, not really saying you trust him much is it!

everyone has a past deal with it , if you keep looking in the past , you'll only cause problems in the present.

and you say he posts on boards right?? would love to see his face reading this

IlikePostcards

I know I am not his ex, but it just hurts knowing that I could give up my whole life in the States just for him (and because I like Ireland) and might get hurt. It is a scary thing. I think I am more committed to him then he is to me, but at the same time, (and for the record, I have not e-snooped. Everything I have seen on boards is stuff he has showed me, or I have come across accidentally [truly] as we do have some of the same interests on boards,) he is very easy going, and calm. I just think there is an adjustment that needs to be made on my part to deal with dating an Irish boy, and not having any experience with this is very hard.

He has seen this, and does not mind that I am using boards to express what I am feeling, as I do not have many girlfriends over here yet. Like I said, I have always tried to protect myself, and with this relationship I am dropping a lot of my guards and that is leading me to think that it will hurt doubly as hard if he were to cheat on me. Tomorrow is our six month anniversary and I happy with him; there are just sometimes that I need someone to freak out to.

Thanks a lot for listening and responding.

kc

Jules

Hey Ilikepostcards you would probably get more advice in RI.

Moved from tLL.

Nitxteha

If you can't deal knowing of his past it's better not to know, stop looking at those posts. If you do want to look at them, see them in a different way: he didn't know you by then, there's nothing to do with you. You are a different person and you are in a different time of your lives.

Think of your past boyfriends: you may have done things with them that you are doing now with your present boyfriend, but that doesn't mean anything, you just like to do certain things and you do them (whoever you are with). The same may happen to your boyfriend..

Does he speaks too much of the other girls? or do you feel he misses any of them? Tell him.

intermittentmay

IlikePostcards wrote: »

I know I am not his ex, but it just hurts knowing that I could give up my whole life in the States just for him (and because I like Ireland) and might get hurt. It is a scary thing. I think I am more committed to him then he is to me, [...]

[...] Like I said, I have always tried to protect myself, and with this relationship I am dropping a lot of my guards and that is leading me to think that it will hurt doubly as hard if he were to cheat on me. Tomorrow is our six month anniversary and I happy with him; there are just sometimes that I need someone to freak out to.

Thanks a lot for listening and responding.

kc

I don't think you really need advice from others on this. You stated it very clearly, you feel you are more committed and that scares you. I think it is totally normal, and you only need to tell him how you feel, there's nothing else you can do. Once he knows your fears, it would be fair from him to explain clearly what this relationship means to him, assuming he does and if he is sincere, you may or may not like what he says, but at least you would know where you stand. It is complicated, I know from my own experience. I know I am more committed to my boyfriend,though it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it's a fact. Sometimes it depresses me and sometimes I try not to think much of it, but I told him about my worries and as much as he could, bearing in mind that he's colder than ice, he explained what he felt for me. It helps.
I hope this helps you too.

LegacyUser

I am a Canadian who moved to Ireland to be with an irishman (we are now separated) and my advice to you is the following.

Do make sure you make friends and connections in Ireland outside your relationship with yer man. You would probably do this anyway, but just in case you haven't, you should. It just means that if the worst happens and you break up, you have a support network of people who are immediately near you (and not just family on the other side of the world who you ring at 4am their time while sobbing your eyes out...you get my gist!) and who can help you get back on your feet.

If you like Ireland, and you love him, then maybe you should give staying here a go? He cheated on his ex, hopefully it won't happen with you, but no one ever knows do they?

We split up after 9 years together. With the help of some very good friends I was able to make a go of things and stay in Ireland and I am so glad I did. Try not to look at moving here as though you are 'giving your life up' for him because that could lead to major resentments down the line.

All the best!

xxx

Oh The Humanity

Listen, from what I understand of men, the following is generally true:

We ARE all the same to them (girls they see/date)


Women want to feel that they are special/different to all the others he dated and thats why women go mad and act all shocked when they realise he:

• has loved others
• fantasises about others
• watches porn
• thinks about their sister/ma/best friend
• watches Podge and Rodge but not for the hilarious jokes;)

It seems to me men take a while to learn that they have to hide this stuff from us and sometimes are not perfectly successful in doing so.

It can be an awful shock to realise that all the love bombing they do to you at the start is not actually personal as such, just the result of a chemical reaction when falling in love.

What seems to happen is they make you FEEL so special, you are the best in bed, got the best body are the best craic, the best blah blah etc
Of course you know well they are blowing smoke up your ass but you like it, you get used to it.

Then all of a sudden the cracks appear, they may forget to conceal some little peccadillo and you realise HORROR!!!

You're not the most special woman in the world after all !

BUT you are really, Irish men are just not as into the bull$hit flattery that Americans do so well. No offence but I personally find that level of pretence sort of nauseating and false!

I think to cut a long story short, if he is with you, you are special. Dont wreck things by sweating the small stuff.