Wanted: crew for heist (nobody gets killed)

Indie18

dublinario wrote: »

Why thanks. My ex-wife got me this, shortly before she took away my daughter and never let me see her again. Prior to that, life was good. We used to holiday in....wait a minute. I'm not wearing a tie.

Have you ever considered wearing one. it might look good.

Blazer

Here boss...suits you Sir


..carefully blows Hrududu's head off..while leaving tie intact and clean

Ross_Mahon

dublinario wrote: »

You're out. If we wanted Robert DeNiro, we'd get Al Pacino. But they're actors, and this is legit.

There is Val Kilmer? And a few other bad guys that get killed, No use being dead though...

dublinario

Indie18 wrote: »

Have you ever considered wearing one. it might look good.

I only wish I could. But back in 2002, when I stiffed Mendoza for for few hundred Gs, his goons dropped a full-sized grand piano on my head in an abandoned warehouse. My neck went from being 12 inches tall to being a negative height, dipping as it does into my chest cavity.

Blazer

dublinario wrote: »

I only wish I could. But back in 2002, when I stiffed Mendoza for for few hundred Gs, his goons dropped a full-sized grand piano on my head in an abandoned warehouse. My neck went from being 12 inches tall to being a negative height, dipping as it does into my chest cavity.

So I wasted Hruduru for nothing?
How comes I never noticed that bossh?

dublinario

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

How comes I never noticed that bossh?

Because you're not a thinker Mathew. You're a do-er. I do the thinking for both of us. I also do the wife sexing for both of us, but as we discussed, that's just until your little fella finds his mojo again.

Walls

<Blinks, fiddles nervously with glasses>
Mr. Dublinario, I'm getting nervous. What if it all goes wrong?

dublinario

Walls wrote: »

Mr. Dublinario, I'm getting nervous. What if it all goes wrong?

Anyone caught panicking will be punished severely, by being locked in The Dungeonator (a darkened room filled with vipers and ill-treated jack russels) until they calm down.

Walls

<Swallows, blinks, nodds furiously>
Oh, I'm not panicking, not at all, Sir. I'll just go and...am...yes...

Mr Benevolent

I'm shocked that no-one has asked yet, but... what's the plan? Is it a casino or bank heist? And who's going to crack the safe?

Sean Quagmire

Confab wrote: »

I'm shocked that no-one has asked yet, but... what's the plan? Is it a casino or bank heist? And who's going to crack the safe?

What, are we scrapping the painters idea then?

Walls, if you can make up a map to the safe...ms paint will do.

dublinario

Confab wrote: »

I'm shocked that no-one has asked yet, but... what's the plan? Is it a casino or bank heist? And who's going to crack the safe?

I'll keep the bank's identity to myself. But basically, it's your bog-standard, charge through the front door with seven Rottweilers on leashes, flailing guns manically to and fro caper. The shrillest teller gets her nose broken as a warning. If there's a pregnant woman, she will be shoved, to let everybody know we mean business.

The cameras will be neutralised, the computers hacked into, the traffic lights outside scrambled to create confusion, all TV channels in the district will be adjusted to T na G to keep people away from the news.

We grab the cash, wait for the cops to arrive (as long as it takes), then shoot our way out (killing nobody, hopefully, but more likely, killing dozens), spread out in wildly different directions, and meet back at our secret hiding place (which cunningly, is directly next door to the bank) 15 minutes later.

Kimia

What about your need for a stand-offish yet very hot lady friend of the big boss? I can carry knives in my boots and I have a very glossy precision cut bob.

I also speak with a Russian accent and am prepared to be taken hostage by a rival gang. I will never give up my comrades and will spit in the eyes of those who speak close to my face.

dublinario

Kimia wrote: »

What about your need for a stand-offish yet very hot lady friend of the big boss? I can carry knives in my boots and I have a very glossy precision cut bob.

I also speak with a Russian accent and am prepared to be taken hostage by a rival gang. I will never give up my comrades and will spit in the eyes of those who speak close to my face.

Welcome aboard comrade Kimia, and also, congratulations on being the 100th member of our crew! Originally speculated to be 4 or 5 strong, we've somehow crept up to the centenary mark. You get a free ham and a bottle of blue nun. Stay off the blue nun until after the caper though. We need you focused. Plus, if your Russian accent ever dips accidentally into Hollywood nazi, you're out.

Kimia

Only you and I will speak to each other in Russian Dublinio. It adds to our allure and special connection. I know you will betray me though.

Blazer

Walls wrote: »

<Swallows, blinks, nodds furiously>
Oh, I'm not panicking, not at all, Sir. I'll just go and...am...yes...

I think I should waste him bossh..looks dodgy to me.
Plus I think we should take a Security guard or cop as hostage.


quietly hums "stuck in the middle with you " while fingering edge of knife

Sean Quagmire

OK, attached is my artistic and graphic sketch of how it will look when the job is over...

beware this is violent

dublinario

Kimia wrote: »

Only you and I will speak to each other in Russian Dublinio. It adds to our allure and special connection. I know you will betray me though.

Agreed. We will cultivate an unrequited, smouldering lustful rapport. Lingering glances. Fleeting touches. Stolen smiles. But when the time comes, I will betray the living sh*t out of you as though you were a common pygmy. I'll regret it though. I just can't seem to ever let anybody "in". It's my cross. I bare it without complaint (looks wistfully into a windy sunset).

dublinario

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

I think I should waste him bossh..looks dodgy to me.

Agreed. Have you been starving the otters like I told you? If so, take him outside and feed him to the otters. It's an uncommon fact, but otters will reduce a human corpse to crumbs in little under five years.

dublinario

Sean Quagmire wrote: »

OK, attached is my artistic and graphic sketch of how it will look when the job is over...

Crimeline will buy that off you after the bloodbath (in which hopefully, nobody gets killed).

Kimia

dublinario wrote: »

Agreed. We will cultivate an unrequited, smouldering lustful rapport. Lingering glances. Fleeting touches. Stolen smiles. But when the time comes, I will betray the living sh*t out of you as though you were a common pygmy. I'll regret it though. I just can't seem to ever let anybody "in". It's my cross. I bare it without complaint (looks wistfully into a windy sunset).

And just before I die I'll breathe sofly in Russian a saying that only means something to the two of us. A memory of happier times when we weren't corrupt and all we wanted was a solid family life with our unborn child (who was killed when I was kidnapped on a previous heist and which you blame yourself for.)

Farewell sweet prince....

Blazer

in best Italian accent "Walls is sleeping with the fishes bossh..the otters ate his face off and then I dumped him into the liffey, they'll never see him with all those trolleys"



Can I keep his ears by the way?

dublinario

Kimia wrote: »

And just before I die I'll breathe sofly in Russian a saying that only means something to the two of us. A memory of happier times when we weren't corrupt and all we wanted was a solid family life with our unborn child (who was killed when I was kidnapped on a previous heist and which you blame yourself for.)

Farewell sweet prince....

I'll never fully get over your death, but I'll spend years in a downward spiral of self-destructive prostitute addiction. Just sex, sex, sex. Angry, passionate, self-loathing sex with two, three, four stunning high class escorts at a time. Bondage, sex toys, lesbians -- it'll be a hell from which I may never fully emerge.

dublinario

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

in best Italian accent "Walls is sleeping with the fishes bossh..the otters ate his face off and then I dumped him into the liffey, they'll never see him with all those trolleys"



Can I keep his ears by the way?

You crazy sun of a gun and your ear collection. What are you up to now, 147 ears? Did you ever find the missing one?

Hrududu

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

Here boss...suits you Sir


..carefully blows Hrududu's head off..while leaving tie intact and clean

Whew, sorry I had to leave the thread there to report...er to go to the shops. I left my beloved nephew Timmy here though just to keep an eye on....Timmy? Where's your head Timmy? Why are you so cold?

*drops to knees and shakes fist at the sky*

TIIIIMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!

Blazer

No
I left it in my fridge..think someone thought it was a slice of bacon and used it for a sandwich.
That's the problem with taking cop's ears..people can get confused easily..

Hrududu wrote: »

Whew, sorry I had to leave the thread there to report...er to go to the shops. I left my beloved nephew Timmy here though just to keep an eye on....Timmy? Where's your head Timmy? Why are you so cold?

*drops to knees and shakes fist at the sky*

TIIIIMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!

it was Walls...I took care of him though for you as a good friend..here's an ear.
I can afford to give one away so my collection will be even at 146..I'm very neat that way.

Kimia

dublinario wrote: »

I'll never fully get over your death, but I'll spend years in a downward spiral of self-destructive prostitute addiction. Just sex, sex, sex. Angry, passionate, self-loathing sex with two, three, four stunning high class escorts at a time. Bondage, sex toys, lesbians -- it'll be a hell from which I may never fully emerge.

You'll dream constantly about me running through a corn field with your son by my side. I'll smile at you and you'll know that ultimately all is forgiven, but you will never get over the guilt. You'll die after being shot by your oldest friend clutching my picture that you keep in a (manly) locket.

Kimia

It will also be raining and it'll turn out that you were after shopping everyone in the gang to the police so that you could finally get on the straight and narrow.

Mr Benevolent

The password is 'swordfish'.

Sean Quagmire

^^^ Hello?? public forum??

Disease Ridden

Great. Now I know the password :mad: :pac:

Sofiztikated

I've been milling things over.
Any room for a crooked cop? Decided pounding the beat is less than lucrative. You can threaten my wife and kid though. I would prove useful in not calling in your location, or i can knock out that rookie cop that is about to radio in the heist.
I may have a last minute change of heart, though, and start shouting into the radio. It'll give you a headstart. Not enough to get away, but enough to cause an entertaining chase scene.

Hrududu

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

it was Walls...I took care of him though for you as a good friend..here's an ear.
I can afford to give one away so my collection will be even at 146..I'm very neat that way.

An ear? What do I want an ear for? Don't I have a couple of loose ones left over from whats left of my beloved Timmy's face. They are staying with me as a reminder. If I was ever in the middle of a tense situation and discovered that this Walls chap was innocent. That the real culprit was perhaps also in this tense situation with me. If I were to learn that, then I don't know what I'd be capable of.

Sofiztikated wrote: »

I've been milling things over.
Any room for a crooked cop? Decided pounding the beat is less than lucrative. You can threaten my wife and kid though. I would prove useful in not calling in your location, or i can knock out that rookie cop that is about to radio in the heist.
I may have a last minute change of heart, though, and start shouting into the radio. It'll give you a headstart. Not enough to get away, but enough to cause an entertaining chase scene.

Oh hey Sofiztikated, I haven't seen you since the last sports and soci...Oh sorry about that. You just look like someone I used to know. A fellow crim or something. Me? No you don't know me. Carry on.

Walls

<Glup glup glup>

I'd just like to point out I may have neglected to inform you of the code to the last door to the safe. I'm off to my watery grave now, with no regrets.

Mr Benevolent

Sorry about that. Don't know what came over me.

Funny enough, me and the heist lads were out for an Indian a few days ago. Dublinario ordered something mega-hot and had to sprint off to the porcelin throne.

Is that why they call him 'The Ring-Leader'?

snoopdoop

i amm in but i require 30% cut for my skills

Sean Quagmire

Hrududu wrote: »

Oh hey Sofiztikated, I haven't seen you since the last sports and soci...Oh sorry about that. You just look like someone I used to know. A fellow crim or something. Me? No you don't know me. Carry on.

Wait are you a...no you couldnt be, snap out of it drago..
I'll be keeping my eye on you O_o

In other news, doctors told me my face scar should be ready without bandages in time for the heist. Wait till u see how mysterious and deep I am.

dublinario

snoopdoop wrote: »

i amm in but i require 30% cut for my skills

You're out. Outter than the outter rings of Jupiter, my mole friend.

dublinario

Confab wrote: »

Sorry about that. Don't know what came over me.

Funny enough, me and the heist lads were out for an Indian a few days ago. Dublinario ordered something mega-hot and had to sprint off to the porcelin throne.

Is that why they call him 'The Ring-Leader'?

It's not a laughing matter. I had my anus removed in 97 because of an errant, friendly-fire bullet in a bungled AIB job. All that's there now is a length of copper piping, and spicy food can throw it out of its bracket. Have a little consideration, and solidarity for God's sake.

Sofiztikated

Oh, i'm not trying to "infiltrate" your "gang."
I'm your "man" on the "inside," paid off to keep the "heat" off.
"I'm" a dirty cop. Wait, think i got the air quotes wrong there, let me try again.
I'm a "dirty" cop.

dublinario

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Oh, i'm not trying to "infiltrate" your "gang."
I'm your "man" on the "inside," paid off to keep the "heat" off.
"I'm" a dirty cop. Wait, think i got the air quotes wrong there, let me try again.
I'm a "dirty" cop.

I look at you and I see pig, nark, stooge, stooly, mole, rat, and all of the above. You have cop dripping from your pores. I bet Police Academy is your favourite documentary, and Tackleberry was your favourite subject in it. I bet you scream at the telly when The Bill gets unrealistic, hurling your truncheon at the off button and accidentally upsetting your box of doughnuts onto the ground.

Sofiztikated

dublinario wrote: »

I look at you and I see pig, nark, stooge, stooly, mole, rat, and all of the above. You have cop dripping from your pores. I bet Police Academy is your favourite documentary, and Tackleberry was your favourite subject in it. I bet you scream at the telly when The Bill gets unrealistic, hurling your truncheon at the off button and accidentally upsetting your box of doughnuts onto the ground.

Am i in then?

dublinario

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Am i in then?

Welcome aboard.

Sean Quagmire

\o/

Walls

Oh you can't be serious! I lost an ear to torture and then was drowned! You let in a man you know is a cop!! Ah here!

Sofiztikated

But Walls, i'm just being paid off to not notice the heist. I'm not replacing you or anything. If you want to pay me off, i'll rat everyone out. I'm basically hooring myself out. In a non sexual way. Don't hate the player, hate the game, and all that.

Heathen

i have a consultant sniffing around my job for the last few days,.. so time is now right to be looking at a change in careers... can this "no killing" clause be reviewed at a later date?

either way, sign me up.. is their a sports and social club deduction from the prize?

Lab_Mouse

not a f*ck*ng chance Dublinario you 2 faced pr1ck,Im only out of the Joy after your last so called 'heist' and as for the no killing part the only people who will be gettin killed is any of the fools you can get roped in for your heist...:mad:

To the rest of boards.ie

you.ve been warned

mikedragon32

Dublinario,

I know of this Kimia woman. We crossed paths in Stalingrad and again two years later in Kiev. My clients pay too well to give you all the details but suffice to say Chernobyl was no accident.

Comrade Yuri, my former classmate in the Bresnev School of Espionage English, told me that she was also seen on Three Mile Island in March 1978.

Be careful.

Milkey Bar Kid

I think you need me (The Milkey bar kid ) on the crew. Kind and sweet but has an extreme darkside waiting to be released on the unexpecting.