Mixed signals from my ex - should I just cut my losses?

LegacyUser

Okay, going on the anonymous for this one! I'd especially like to know what the lads think.

Me and my boy split up a few weeks ago. It wasn't a big serious relationship, but I do miss him a lot. We had a row over him being a bit crap and unreliable and it ended.

Since then I've been really good about not stalking him etc, and giving him space, ie see if he misses me. I figure this is the best thing to do, to keep my cool, and at least he won't think I'm an idiot. He said he still thinks I'm great, talented, sound, gorgeous (his words), and he wants to be friends with me.

I don't feel like I am his friend because I'm still upset and the thought of him being with someone else makes it a million times worse. And we haven't hung out since we split except for when we had excuses like dropping back things (but not in a bitchy way). We have been in touch via text and email, pretty much all initiated by him. And the last few weeks he keeps on asking what I'm up to at the weekend (I've always been busy) and then in touch afterwards to ask how it went, and good luck in various little things I've been up to. I dunno if they're just pity messages or something though.

Anyway, he's invited me to a party in his house this weekend, and I don't know if I should go or not. Worst case scenario is he already has another love interest and she will be there, and I've been getting really wound up thinking about that. I'd feel like a spare and I'm afraid all the people there will think I'm sad for turning up, and just trying to get him back. (It's true, but they don't need to know!)

One of my friends said he wouldn't have invited me if he had a new love interest who'd be at the party, but I'm not really convinced. Maybe he really does just want to be friends? I think that surely if he is interested in getting back with me, he'd be a bit more obvious about it.

Should I go to the party and see what happens? Like one last chance. Or just cut my losses and stop thinking about him?

bubblewrap

It is still a bit raw to be flaunting another girl in your face, I doubt that is what will happen to be honest!

Everything still seems amicable, he could be inviting you because he wants to talk or get back with you maybe? If people say you are sad for coming, then say he is sad for inviting you then!

To be honest, I have had exes wanting to be "friends" and I never saw them for dust :D - the fact is, maybe he is using the friends line to still have contact with you and is thinking who knows what might happen in the future.

Just go, it is better than not going and wondering what if.

Lab_Mouse

Go to the party,at least at the end of the night you should know where you stand with him.

I would like to think he wouldnt have another girl there to annoy/hurt you.

mardybum

I'd feel the same way!

You could do the Barry's Tea ad thing were the boy asks the girl to a ball, and she text's him back 'Is this a date?'

What I mean is say something a little flirty to gauge his feeling. Anyway, if you think he's trying to get back to being your bf, he probably is! Just remember why you broke up in the first place

bubblewrap

Good point! You broke up for a reason, you are bound to miss having someone around, even when things were tough, so just be careful and don't get drunk and stick your tongue down his throat (wait for him to do it to you!!)

Gyalist

I have a strong feeling that there will be a post from you on the day after the party saying that you feel used.

LegacyUser

That's what I'm afraid of. i wouldn't hop into bed with him anyway (especially in a house with a party going on!). But I noticed that he did also invite a friend of mine whom he said was hot before (and we had a bit of a row about it) so maybe he's just trying to cover all his options! Maybe I'm reading the worst into the situation, but then maybe that says something too...

Urgh, maybe I shouldn't go!

Nevyn

An evening out should not be that stressful, why put yourself in such a awkward postition.
Spend your evening doing something less stressful and there for more fun even if it is
curled up watching a movie on your own.

LegacyUser

You're probably right. (and thanks for all the advice everyone!)

I think there is a part of me that feels like this is it, last chance.

About two weeks ago I decided I would set a date for myself, and after that date I would either cut him out of my life completely or hopefully already feel "over it". But basically after that, there would be no more looking back, only moving forward. So in the meantime I just took a "wait and see" approach, to see what kind of signals I was getting from him. (does that sound insane? It kind of helped me anyway!)

So anyway, the party turns out to be the same date! And the signals are mixed. =s

Gyalist

You have to be kind to yourself. It's virtually impossible to be good friends so soon after a breakup. Thank him for the invitation but stay away from the party and try to organise something to occupy your time this weekend.

Was he the one who decided to end the relationship?

the_syco

Not Really Sure wrote: »

We had a row over him being a bit crap and unreliable and it ended.

If it ended once due to the above, what has changed to stop it from happening again? He seems interested, and as you don't say how he is "bit crap and unreliable", I can't see what harm it'll do in going to the party.

lala stone

oh do not ask him is this a date,.,,, seriously???!!!!!!??!!

shellyboo

lala stone wrote: »

oh do not ask him is this a date,.,,, seriously???!!!!!!??!!

Why not? At least she'd know where she stood then.

Not Really Sure wrote: »

About two weeks ago I decided I would set a date for myself, and after that date I would either cut him out of my life completely or hopefully already feel "over it". But basically after that, there would be no more looking back, only moving forward. So in the meantime I just took a "wait and see" approach, to see what kind of signals I was getting from him. (does that sound insane? It kind of helped me anyway!)

So anyway, the party turns out to be the same date! And the signals are mixed. =s

You know what? You've got your head properly screwed on. You had the exact right idea - give yourself time to get over it, then move on.

I think going to the party is a mistake. You're holding out some hope, even though you don't really want to admit that to yourself. I think you'd be much better off sticking to your original plan and not letting your ex confuse you. By the sounds of things, he's not doing it intentionally - he seems to just be being friendly - but you'd be better off just moving on.

lala stone

shellyboo wrote: »

Why not? At least she'd know where she stood then.




You know what? You've got your head properly screwed on. You had the exact right idea - give yourself time to get over it, then move on.

I think going to the party is a mistake. You're holding out some hope, even though you don't really want to admit that to yourself. I think you'd be much better off sticking to your original plan and not letting your ex confuse you. By the sounds of things, he's not doing it intentionally - he seems to just be being friendly - but you'd be better off just moving on.

if she asks him, it show she is interested! also she is giving him the chance to reject her all over again if he says its not a date..then the regrets, hurt etc start all over again!
I totally agree with you.. just try and move on.. she has come this far!

bubblewrap

Why not go? It is a party! Bring a friend with you to keep an eye out on you and if she thinks you are going in for the kill, then she can stop you.

If he wants you, he will come for you. Don't make it easy though because you will feel used. Just remember why you finished it though.

Nevyn

Sounds like you have just been away from him long enough that he isn't letting you down or annoying the crap out of you currently and you are remembering the good times only.

I suggest you make a list of all the times he screwed up, all of them, no excuses.

He hasn't changed all that has happened in your tolerance for his bad behaviour has gone up due to not being around it. You set a date in your head by which you thought you would either be not hurting so much and be ready to go back for more or else you thought you would be over him.

While you are still glossing over his bad behaviour and making excuses and clinging on to hope you will not be able to get over him.

I suggest you do not go to the party, that you meet him for coffee with a list of things
you will not put up with if you get back together and see if he is interested and interested in making those changes.

IF you can't come to an agreement no matter how your heart leaps at the sight of him or parts lower down in your body then walk away, cut contact and then find someone who will not screw up like he has.

lala stone

shellyboo wrote: »

Why not? At least she'd know where she stood then.




You know what? You've got your head properly screwed on. You had the exact right idea - give yourself time to get over it, then move on.

I think going to the party is a mistake. You're holding out some hope, even though you don't really want to admit that to yourself. I think you'd be much better off sticking to your original plan and not letting your ex confuse you. By the sounds of things, he's not doing it intentionally - he seems to just be being friendly - but you'd be better off just moving on.

bubblewrap wrote: »

Why not go? It is a party! Bring a friend with you to keep an eye out on you and if she thinks you are going in for the kill, then she can stop you.

If he wants you, he will come for you. Don't make it easy though because you will feel used. Just remember why you finished it though.

How stressful tho?!!

Sinall

Sometimes telling people that you want to be friends is a way of softening the blow. If he still wanted to be with you then he would be with you, it's that simple really.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, I do understand where you are coming from - it's hard still liking someone and analysing what they do/say to see if they still like you!

I would not advise asking (even jokingly!) if it is a date as I assume you want to keep your pride and dignity etc - and you do sound like you are doing that already. It can be really hard to be friends with someone after a break up, especially if you are not getting the space you need to move on.

I think you already know where you stand as you have broken up. If he was being crap and unreliable then it is probably for the best for you in the long run.

lala stone

This is soo true,,,99% of the time it is that simple, if he wants you, then you will know.. mind me asking if you have read, "he is just not that into you"?

Sinall

lala stone wrote: »

This is soo true,,,99% of the time it is that simple, if he wants you, then you will know.. mind me asking if you have read, "he is just not that into you"?

I agree, the vast majority of the time it is that simple. The rest of the time we try to convince ourselves with excuses such as "He really likes me but he has so much going on right now" or "He really likes me but is getting over his last relationship". I have done this many times myself in the past but you owe it to yourself to be clear about these things, rather than deceiving yourself.

OP, you deserve someone who is reliable and who likes you as much as you like them!

(and yes, I have read "he's just not that into you" !"

lala stone

:-) every girl should read it! I was so dumb before always analysing and making excuses!!! Not that I still dont do that now! but as the book says, after reading it, you will still never ever be as bad as you were before making excuses etc!!!

bubblewrap

Actually, been thinking. Seeing as you have done so well, politely decline the night - if he had the intention of getting you back, he will be peeved and will try another way. That way you can guage where you stand without potentially embarrassing yourself.

prinz

Is this still the guy who was crap and unreliable . Why would you bother? I think you need some smelling salts OP. This is so much more of an issue for girls I don't get it at all.

He treats me like crap/cheats on me/etc etc.......... but I love him and want him back AARRGHH Wall....head.......repeatedly.

Go out to a different party and find someone better.

bubblewrap

You cannot underestimate the power of love :cool::P

shellyboo

lala stone wrote: »

if she asks him, it show she is interested!

But she is interested... so... what's the problem?

Anyway... great advice from Thaed - you're probably just falling back into old habits and looking at it through rose-tinted glasses. I've fallen back into bed with exes once or twice, and while it DID help me to remember why it was I dumped them, it was pure silliness. It sets you back.

Steer clear, I say.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much!

Okay, first up, I know my Rules and all the He's Just Not Into You stuff! It all makes perfect sense to me and I agree, most women do make stupid excuses for lads. It's sad but true. I have a will of steel so I tie myself up in knots and freak out on my own, rather than call them when I know I shouldn't! I always think that if a lad wants you, they'll let you know.

So, I guess I already know my answer with this guy. If he's interested in me, then he needs to make more of an effort, and if he's not interested, then nothing I do will change that.

I'm NOT asking him "is this a date?" though! But might suss him out a bit before writing it all off. Yes, I am still holding out a bit of hope, I'll be honest.

Maybe I should see if and what I hear from him before the party? And if I think it's positive go along?

Nevyn

Y'know sometimes you need to do the drunken phone call /text/ email of "I loved you why didn't it work out you said you loved me but you were a prick to me" to get it out of your system. It happens, don't not do it to spare his feelings and cause your self even more stress. He may think that you are perfectly fine and not hurt and upset cos you are putting a brave face on it with your will of steel and if he knew he may care enough stop being in your life and pretending everything is ok or else if he is interested enough and does care enough he will find away to look at working things out.

LegacyUser

OP go to the party....bring some friends all for moral support..................if u dont go you'll always have that feeling about what if! if you dont like it when you get there you can always leave. dress up make yourself feel a million dollars and show him what hes missing:D

SarahSassy

OP, it has been pointed out to you here. If he was interested enough in you then he woud not let you go and if you dont make this party he will find another way to get back with you.

I think she thinks all is cool with you both and is asking you as a friend (seeing as he asked your friend to). Dont set yourself up for gurt and upset. Head up and move on and make polite excuses for that party.

LegacyUser

Hey, just to give you all a little update...

I did go to the party on Friday. I brought two wonderful friends with me and met lots of others there, it was great to see everyone.

The Ex was very well behaved - he wasn't flaunting a new girl in my face or trying to get me into bed! I wasn't flirting with him or anything and I spent most of time hanging out with other people. It was good and his housemates kept saying they were so glad I came.

So I was glad I went and the next day decided to file him in the Outbox, and carry on. All good. =D

Then two days after the party he texted me asking was I going to a gig he was going to that night. I said I wasn't and then he said I looked really cute at the party....

So then we were texting and *he* was being all flirty (and I didn't start it!) and then he just stopped replying.

I really don't think he wants to be with me again, so I don't know why he is doing this. The stop-start texting thing really gets on my nerves.

There's not much I can do, is there? Just humour him when he gets in touch again, or just ignore him?

bubblewrap

I wouldn't pander to him each time he gets in touch, you did great at the party so keep it up. If he was 100% wanting to get back with you, he wouldn't text on and off. Try to back off and if you think you can be nothing more than friends then be just that, otherwise you may end up feeling used and unable to move on to someone else.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I think I will just cut him out. We're not really friends and he's just wrecking my head!

Thanks for all the support!