Trust and Other People

LegacyUser

Hi all, I would appreciate hearing some of your thoughts on an issue that is troubling me at the moment. I apologise for the long post, but I couldn't manage to shorten it any futher.

Two months ago I began a relationship with a girl who I really like. She is intelligent, funny, strong and caring. She is also one of the most beautiful women I have ever set eyes on. I'm mad about her, fancy her like mad and love to be in her company. We've been having a great time together, doing all the fun things like eating out, movies etc. I like this girl more with every minute I spend with her. It has been a short, intense relationship so far and I think I may be really falling for her.

However, there is one issue that keeps cropping up between us and I'm afraid that it may turn into a real problem.

She is a couple of years younger than I am, and loves to party. She goes out twice or three times a week to the more exclusive clubs and bars around the city, to dance, drink and have fun. Normally, her clubbing-mate is a female friend and let me tell you that together, they make a sight for sore eyes - both gorgeous and dressed to kill. In fact, she dresses as if she were out on the pull ( eg. little details designed to draw eyes to her cleavage etc.) She leaves the house around 10pm and is never back before 2am, sometimes not til the next day.

My problem is that she absolutely will not tolerate my presence on these nights out. She refuses to invite me, or even meet me when I'm out at the same time.
She tells me that she doesn't want the hassle of thinking about or looking after me on a night out (?), that I would get the wrong idea and that I wouldn't be able to handle her behaviour (WTF??)
She tells me that she has no interest in my friends, and therefore will not come on nights out with me at all. It seems that she will never consider going to a bar or club with me for a proper knees-up. When she feels like partying or having a few drinks, she ignores me and makes her own plans, usually keeping them to herself until the last minute.

Up until now, I have never asked any questions, but she always tells me about her nights out; the places she has been and the fun she had. She sometimes mentions names of people she encounters, and she is never shy of telling me of various guys who have chatted her up - no names put forward here though. She tells me about the guys who buy champagne for her, take her picture and ask for her number. She tells me about the invites she receives to dinner, parties, hotels and clubs - some of which she accepts.

I have to say that all of this is making me quite uncomfortable; I feel.. well I'm not sure how I feel; it's not good though!

On one hand I feel as if I am missing out on a part of her life that is fun and exciting. I like to go out too, I've cut it down over the past couple of years (or as I've gotten older I suppose) but I still enjoy the club scene and try to head out at least once a week. Right now in my life I have more interesting things to do than go out and dance 3 nights a week, but still I'm finding it difficult to understand why she won't/can't involve me in this
part of her life.

On the other hand, ours is a very new relationship and the fact that she is meeting tons of other guys in clubs every other night makes me paranoid and insecure. She tells me that she could be in a club and surrounded by male-models all night long and she would only think of me, but I have trouble accepting this as truth; especially when I see the way she dresses to go out (stunning, very sexy) and the delight she takes in drawing admiring glances from guys.

Honestly, I'm finding it really hard to understand and trust her. What is up to when I'm not around, and with whom? Why is it that she can only seem to let loose when I'm not there?? It's getting to a point where I feel like the elderly husband sitting at home while the gorgeous 21yr old wife parties the night away - we've all seen the movie!

I feel as if this relationship is at a crossroads right now. As I've said, I am mad about this girl but I can't help but feel that I cannot move this relationship forward without understanding her behaviour as explained above. I have been hurt before, and have no desire to continue a relationship where trust and respect do not feature. My head hurts even thinking about this!

Yes, it has been only two months, but they have been an intense few weeks! Am I being overbearing, am I even right to be asking these questions? Do I have any right to feel this paranoia, what can I do ???????

SheRa

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all, I would appreciate hearing some of your thoughts on an issue that is troubling me at the moment. I apologise for the long post, but I couldn't manage to shorten it any futher.

Two months ago I began a relationship with a girl who I really like. She is intelligent, funny, strong and caring. She is also one of the most beautiful women I have ever set eyes on. I'm mad about her, fancy her like mad and love to be in her company. We've been having a great time together, doing all the fun things like eating out, movies etc. I like this girl more with every minute I spend with her. It has been a short, intense relationship so far and I think I may be really falling for her.

However, there is one issue that keeps cropping up between us and I'm afraid that it may turn into a real problem.

She is a couple of years younger than I am, and loves to party. She goes out twice or three times a week to the more exclusive clubs and bars around the city, to dance, drink and have fun. Normally, her clubbing-mate is a female friend and let me tell you that together, they make a sight for sore eyes - both gorgeous and dressed to kill. In fact, she dresses as if she were out on the pull ( eg. little details designed to draw eyes to her cleavage etc.) She leaves the house around 10pm and is never back before 2am, sometimes not til the next day.

My problem is that she absolutely will not tolerate my presence on these nights out. She refuses to invite me, or even meet me when I'm out at the same time.
She tells me that she doesn't want the hassle of thinking about or looking after me on a night out (?), that I would get the wrong idea and that I wouldn't be able to handle her behaviour (WTF??)
She tells me that she has no interest in my friends, and therefore will not come on nights out with me at all. It seems that she will never consider going to a bar or club with me for a proper knees-up. When she feels like partying or having a few drinks, she ignores me and makes her own plans, usually keeping them to herself until the last minute.

Up until now, I have never asked any questions, but she always tells me about her nights out; the places she has been and the fun she had. She sometimes mentions names of people she encounters, and she is never shy of telling me of various guys who have chatted her up - no names put forward here though. She tells me about the guys who buy champagne for her, take her picture and ask for her number. She tells me about the invites she receives to dinner, parties, hotels and clubs - some of which she accepts.

I have to say that all of this is making me quite uncomfortable; I feel.. well I'm not sure how I feel; it's not good though!

On one hand I feel as if I am missing out on a part of her life that is fun and exciting. I like to go out too, I've cut it down over the past couple of years (or as I've gotten older I suppose) but I still enjoy the club scene and try to head out at least once a week. Right now in my life I have more interesting things to do than go out and dance 3 nights a week, but still I'm finding it difficult to understand why she won't/can't involve me in this
part of her life.

On the other hand, ours is a very new relationship and the fact that she is meeting tons of other guys in clubs every other night makes me paranoid and insecure. She tells me that she could be in a club and surrounded by male-models all night long and she would only think of me, but I have trouble accepting this as truth; especially when I see the way she dresses to go out (stunning, very sexy) and the delight she takes in drawing admiring glances from guys.

Honestly, I'm finding it really hard to understand and trust her. What is up to when I'm not around, and with whom? Why is it that she can only seem to let loose when I'm not there?? It's getting to a point where I feel like the elderly husband sitting at home while the gorgeous 21yr old wife parties the night away - we've all seen the movie!

I feel as if this relationship is at a crossroads right now. As I've said, I am mad about this girl but I can't help but feel that I cannot move this relationship forward without understanding her behaviour as explained above. I have been hurt before, and have no desire to continue a relationship where trust and respect do not feature. My head hurts even thinking about this!

Yes, it has been only two months, but they have been an intense few weeks! Am I being overbearing, am I even right to be asking these questions? Do I have any right to feel this paranoia, what can I do ???????

When I started reading this I thought, yip she sounds a bit like me in terms of wanting it only to be girls when I go out on a girly night. Im going out with someone but I still like to look nice for myself when i go out.

Then I read the fifth paragraph about she never invites you out and about all the boasting that she does to you about other men and I thought holy fcuk. She is being so disrespectful to you. I think that she is so insecure that she needs the attention and needs your jealousy to feed that. Some of the most insecure women that Ive met have also been the most beautiful, so the fact that she is stunning is almost irrelevant.

Actually I wonder does she think that she is in a realtionship or are you just one of her many dates, someone that brings her for dinner along with all the other poor suckers that invite her out.

Either way, you need to talk to her about this and if her behaviour continues leave her. There are many amazing women out there who would never treat a man like that.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

She leaves the house around 10pm and is never back before 2am, sometimes not til the next day.

doesn't mean she's cheating on you.

My problem is that she absolutely will not tolerate my presence on these nights out. She refuses to invite me, or even meet me when I'm out at the same time.
She tells me that she doesn't want the hassle of thinking about or looking after me on a night out (?), that I would get the wrong idea and that I wouldn't be able to handle her behaviour (WTF??)

This does.

She tells me that she has no interest in my friends, and therefore will not come on nights out with me at all. It seems that she will never consider going to a bar or club with me for a proper knees-up. When she feels like partying or having a few drinks, she ignores me and makes her own plans, usually keeping them to herself until the last minute.

Sorry to break it to you mate but your girlfriend is a bitch. Regardless of how good she looks don't listen to your wang on this one as it will only lead to hassle. She doesn't want to be part of your life properly and she doens't want you part of hers so you are basically playing the role of the boyfriend when she sees you. But when you aren't around: out of sight, out of mind.

so dump her. This won't get any better. She's telling you this because she knows she's good looking and can get away with it. I'd probably react patiently, the same as you, but I'd be asking the same questions and would probably just break up with her. No girl is worth that. Not one.

LegacyUser

SheRa wrote: »

Some of the most insecure women that Ive met have also been the most beautiful

I would defo agree with this.
It's like they are so used to getting complements, treated special because they are good looking, if they don't get them they think something is wrong with themselves, so they constantly seek out reassurance, validation they are attractive (this can lead to infidelity op)
Whereas the uggos are more battle hardened have a strong self of who they are as a person, rather than how they look and can take a set back more easily and have stronger confidence.

blogga

You are being treated like a fool by someone who has you exactly where she wants you. Ditch her spectacularly for the good of your soul.

CDfm

SheRa wrote: »

Either way, you need to talk to her about this and if her behaviour continues leave her. There are many amazing women out there who would never treat a man like that.

Sheras post hits the mark bang on target.

blogga wrote: »

You are being treated like a fool by someone who has you exactly where she wants you. Ditch her spectacularly for the good of your soul.

I would avoid extremes cos thats just kitchen sink drama. Tell her straight that while you like her its not what you need in a relationship.

Humria

There is no point speculating about what she may or may not be doing.

Look at what you do know about this relationship.

As another poster pointed out; you are in a relationship in which you and your girlfriend are not properly part of each other’s lives. We should all have our own separate lives but if she is shutting off part of her life from you completely, then it spells trouble for the relationship. You also know it’s still a new relationship and you are already insecure and stressed out.

It's not going to work if something doesn't change.

The way I see it, you have three options:

The first is just leave everything as it is and hope it resolves itself. There is a 99% chance it isn't going to do that though and you will get more and more frustrated until it begins to impact on your interaction with her in a negative way, thereby creating more problems.

The second is break up. Without trying to resolve the issue though you may look back and wished you had tried harder. If you have tried and failed to make things better then it may better to cut her loose then to drag out the inevitable.

The third option is talk to her. What have you got to lose? At least you will know where you stand. Tell her exactly how you feel and don't put a brave face on it. Hopefully, ye can come to a compromise. If she has all the qualities you say she has then she will listen to you and be concerned. She may not know this is so upsetting to you. If she refuses to listen or to compromise then maybe she isn't as great as you think she is.

LegacyUser

well my reaction from reading your post OP is that she has some opinion of herself, and that her head is up her own a*** where the sun don't shine.

Im sorry if this seems very harsh, but you should get out while you can. you'll end up falling head over heals for her to then find out that she doesn't give 2 f***s about you.
what sort of a girlfriend tells her fella that she has no interest in her fellas friends and boasts about all the men that she has chatting her up on nights out? although id imagine (no matter how stunning looking that she may be) that the tale about her being surrounded with male models on a night out is slightly fabricated, and possibly the one about being chatted up so much!
IMO shes only with you for the good times and for the cash that you possibly spend on her.

Best of luck OP!