He Hurt Me Very Badly - Do I tell him?

LegacyUser

I am not a child - mid 30's and have broken up with my partner after almost 8 years together.

When I met him, I had come out of a long term relationship as a result of quite bad domestic abuse. I dont mind it was tough going through it and kept my head up.

Then I met this guy, also going through a separation. We clicked and things were great. He practically lived in my house and I thought I was the luckiest person on the planet to have found this person. After about 4 years, I wanted to move on and then discovered that he lied about where he was with his separation, ie they were separated but had done nothing about legal paperwork. I started putting pressure on him to sort things out and he kept putting things on the long finger.

I am not going into details but over the past three years I found out about some lies he told and to be honest I was gutted. I trusted him 100% and the whole thing has shaken me to my foundations. I became a nervous emotional wreck, he played on that and to be honest the way he treated me was dispicable. I think he used me from day 1 and I am One day he just did not call me any more (the day I was made redundant from my job) and I just did not call him either. I think he had started a new relationship but just did not have the balls to tell me. It really does not matter now, but what matters was the way he treated me when we were together. I havent spoken to him now in over eight months and slowly I have been getting my courage back. I am starting to enjoy the things I previously enjoyed like music and reading. However, I will never trust another man again and dont want a relationship and not sure if I ever will. I feel this person wasted years of my life and looking from the outside in, was never serious about me. He knew I had come out of a pretty tough relationship and it was a pretty nasty trick to play on someone vulnerable.


However, am doing better in myself and see things clearer about the whole thing. I feel I did not have closure at all and the strong part of me wants to stand my ground and just let him know he treated me very badly and there was no need for it. Some friends are saying I should just leave it, and others see it is getting to me and that I dont think I will ever be able to put it behind me until I do. I could go weeks without thinking about it at all and then something will trigger it off again.

I dont want to see him, but am thinking of sending a very brief letter or email, at least so I can feel in some way I got closure for myself. I dont expect to get answers from this person as he is a coward, so am not doing it for that reason.

Any advice.

Gyalist

Closure is over-rated. Write the letter, then re-read it several times but don't post it. Drop it in the fire. This is more for your benefit rather than his. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how deeply he affected you.

"Living well is the best revenge." - George Herbert

mardybum

I think the above is great advise.

I went from pure horrible bitter rage at my ex to terrible sadness to calm acceptance recently. I didn't speak to him, I just wrote to myself everyday, and was able to process no end of wisdom from music and book by just writing all my thoughts down. I also kept the question 'how do I make sure this experience does not wreck me for future relationships?' in mind.

I think it's a good way to understand and work through your emotions. You don't really need to tell the other person. I reckon if you want to show them how hurt you are, want you're really after is an apology. Some people will never give it (your ex and mine from the sounds of things), so you'll always be left wanting.

write the letter, and burn it. And move on. Keep believing in good things and good people.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I got a letter from a girl I apparently treated badly once. I didn't care and found it amusing.

He'll have rationalised and justified his behaviour to himself, don't think you'll upset him.

ellie1

I got a letter from a girl I apparently treated badly once. I didn't care and found it amusing.

This will more than likely his reaction. So follow the advice and write the letter and throw it in the fire.

Redpunto

He wont give a sh*te about what you put in the letter and you will not get the response you would have hoped for either, moving on will take time but holding onto resentment will just rot away your insides.

I agree with all the other posters - write it and then burn it, it will be cathartic and help you with the moving on process.