Boyfriend - no sex before marriage

Beruthiel

prinz wrote: »

:pac: Some attitude you have :pac: What was that about arrogance?

You are very close to a second PI ban due to not being able to stay on topic.

SarahSassy

prinz wrote: »

:pac: Some attitude you have :pac: What was that about arrogance?

No arrogance - just an opinion.

OP do what is right for you. Talk to him and try to suss out his future plans and get an idea where this is coming from.

Beruthiel

Heelloo???

Next one is a ban.

Dudess

OP, I'm not sure whether he actually loves you that much - surely if you really love someone you'd want to express this physically?

Prinz, your situation is different seeing as your girlfriend is the one who wants to wait in your relationship.

Definitely time to finish up with him, OP.

Ickle Magoo

Realta05 wrote: »

my BF of 1.5 years is against sex b4 marriage, I have put up with this because well I really do love him, but I am sick of what is a sexless relationship, I am not ready to get married, and I know an ultimatum will mean he (or i will be forced to) end the relationship.

Apart from no sex the relationship is v.g., am I a fool for putting up with this, should i give him an ultimatum regardless of the outcome.

Sex is obviously a fundamental part of a relationship as far as i'm concerned, as is intimacy.

Is anyone else in this situation - any advice for me?

Should I walk away from an otherwise great relationship?

You've answered your own question. If sex is an obviously fundamental part of a relationship & you've waited as long as you are prepared to, without wanting to commit to marriage, that is and you feel you can't or you don't want to wait for years to have sex, then you're with the wrong fella.

If you had differing values on a host of other things then compromise would always be an option but there is no compromise with this one, if you have sex he has to forfeit his beliefs for yours & and if you continue with the status quo, you have to forfeit yours. He's already stated he's not for moving, as the past 18 months are testament to. You have the choice to bow to that or move on.

Best of luck.

Dublin_Gunner

Dudess I am in complete agreement with you on everything you've said, and I think we share the same views on this.

TBH - this thread, and its advice was over by post No. 18 on page 2. Everything before that spelt it out for the OP, and the advice has not changed one single bit.

The rest of the thread is being taken up by self righteous ignoramuses who want to try force their own beliefs on the OP, and at the same time defend her OH. If I'm right - its not him who came here for advice, therefore IMO his beliefs shouldn't even come into it.

I have a feeling the OP already knew what she had to do, but came on here to see what other random Irish people would say, so she can be sure she's making the right decision.

I have no idea how the OP has let this go on for 15(?) months!!! Personally, 15 days is too long without having sex with my OH (jesus, 15 hours is pushing the boat out lol).

But seriously, this has been discussed, the advice has been given, and if anyone wants to discuss the moral / religious views of the sex before marriage, and marriage / sex individually, it should be on another thread.

Not trying to be a moderator, but thats my opinion.

Joey the lips

I accept that if people dont want sex before marriage so be it. Fair play to them. But if your o/h does, what do you do??????

Break up or get on with it. I think whats wrong is its strange to see a man say this.

I orig stand by my orig thoughts what if after getting married he decides he only wants sex once a month.

A relationship is about compramise at the end of the day. If you cant compramise you will have to end it.

If you both decide never to have sex - great thats a compramise but one cant dictate to the other.

prinz

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

The rest of the thread is being taken up by self righteous ignoramuses who want to try force their own beliefs on the OP, and at the same time defend her OH. If I'm right - its not him who came here for advice, therefore IMO his beliefs shouldn't even come into it.

IMO nobody has tried to force anything on the OP. She is the one planning to give her OH an ultimatum, screw me or lose me. Sounds to me like she's forcing the issue. No one has been self-righteous or ignorant. Pretty much everyone has agreed that they are incompatible and should split.

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

I have no idea how the OP has let this go on for 15(?) months!!!

Either do I. She should have ended it then and there.But she didn't. Only got herself to blame for that. Only makes it harder on both of them now.

Lollipops23

while i reckon a relationship cannot develop without physical love, he did tell you. if my own OH had told me he would under no circumstances sleep with me before marriage,i'd have been out like a shot. that's because i know myself too well. methinks you should move on.

numanuma

I think you should stand by your man. This is a quality for sure and not a negative.

At least he is not an alcoholic and drug abusing domestic abuser. He is a man standing by his beliefs/convictions and I see it as a sign of true devotion to himself. This may be seen as selfish, but if he is able to love himself he will be a loyal partner to you once you have entered into marriage.

Dont let it bother you, but bring up marriage and what it means for both of you. If he is more serious about this then you ask yourself what are you looking for. Personally I would do without the sex in the short term for a more fulfilling relationship/marriage in the long term.

Forget about modern society and sex in the city. Look with your heart, as you will always have this. Sex sadly will not care for you in your old age.

Lollipops23

numanuma wrote: »

Personally I would do without the sex in the short term for a more fulfilling relationship/marriage in the long term.

Forget about modern society and sex in the city. Look with your heart, as you will always have this. Sex sadly will not care for you in your old age.

we could be talking 5+ years here, hardly short term?also sex is an integral part of a balanced and healthy relationship, it's not just a primal urge but an intimate expression of love. it's ridiculous,IMHO, to marry someone without knowing if you are at all compatible physically. Imcompatability in that area can cause all manner of heartache-just look at the majority of posts on this forum.

shellyboo

numanuma wrote: »

I think you should stand by your man. This is a quality for sure and not a negative.

At least he is not an alcoholic and drug abusing domestic abuser.

Specious reasoning. Don't settle, OP. Don't settle for one ounce less than what makes you happy.

So f*ckin what if he's not an alcoholic or hits you? That's not an achievement or a reason to stay with him. If it's not making you happy, then go. If you need the sex and the intimacy to be happy - go and get it. It's out there, I promise you it is.

numanuma wrote: »

Personally I would do without the sex in the short term for a more fulfilling relationship/marriage in the long term.

Just because they haven't had sex does not guarantee a good relationship. At all, whatsoever. Many relationships are in fact enhanced by great sex... and many more are destroyed by bad sex.

The point is that the OP does not have to choose between sex and the perfect relationship - she can have both. She just can't have them with this partner.

numanuma

Well what can I say, I suppose I am thinking on this on a more collective level then individualistic. It really depends on your values.

For some sex is a necessity for others a platonic relationship is more satisfying. I understand that people want both, and yes it is possible, but you will be searching...

I find this forum can be quite negative sometimes. I think some of our inner urges/regrets/ influence people to be overly negative. Afterall a little side of everyone wants no strings attached sex 24/7.

But like I said, you decide what you want in life. Because this is as big as that. If you are traditional and you only get married once, then you really need to decide what and where you want to be.

Who dares wins they say....

prinz

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Imcompatability in that area can cause all manner of heartache-just look at the majority of posts on this forum.

Hence my point that removing it from a relationship, until it is a fully committed one, can actually help the relationship to work better.

Lollipops23

i don't fully understand what you're saying...?that you can't have a healthy loving relationship AND an a full sex life all before marriage..?cos that's BS IMHO.

Lollipops23

prinz wrote: »

Hence my point that removing it from a relationship, until it is a fully committed one, can actually help the relationship to work better.

so wait until you're married and then see if you're compatible in that area??that's prepostrous.

prinz

Lollipops23 wrote: »

i don't fully understand what you're saying...?that you can't have a healthy loving relationship AND an a full sex life all before marriage..?cos that's BS IMHO.

That's not what I am saying at all, I said "can actually help"....I'm sure some people do the above, good for them.

However it is not a prerequisite for everybody.As you said yourself - just look at all the problems it throws up on this forum...

Some people can also have a healthy loving relationship AND wait until marriage for the full sex life.

prinz

Lollipops23 wrote: »

so wait until you're married and then see if you're compatible in that area??that's prepostrous.

(a) I didn't mention marriage. You did. I said a fully committed relationship.

(b) Compatability is based upon communication and compromise.It's not instantaneous.

Dublin_Gunner

prinz wrote: »

Hence my point that removing it from a relationship, until it is a fully committed one, can actually help the relationship to work better.

Until it then pops up, and ruins everything because it should have been brought in at an earlier stage to see how it would work.

Removing it altogether is a ridiculous notion. Its there for all, for pleasure, to experience. It should be embraced, not shunned and put into some closet to fall out one day and cause problems.

Maybe some people think of sex as purely pro-creational, like plants.

Not re-creational and fun like it should be.

A strong, enjoyable, physical sexual relationship only serves to enhance and compliment the rest of the relationship - you cannot have a proper relationship merely based on sex alone.

However, a relationship without that element, is like a car with 1 gear. It'll get you from a to b - slowly, but nothing more.

Silverfish

Guys in all fairness, it wasn't the guy who doesnt want sex before marriage who posted the thread, it was his girlfriend, so arguing the why's and wherefore's and reasons for it are a bit pointless and not really adding anything.
If you want to debate the principle of it, then perhaps use Humanities, because the OP is looking for advice on what to do and how to deal with the situation.

Dublin_Gunner

Silverfish wrote: »

Guys in all fairness, it wasn't the guy who doesnt want sex before marriage who posted the thread, it was his girlfriend, so arguing the why's and wherefore's and reasons for it are a bit pointless and not really adding anything.
If you want to debate the principle of it, then perhaps use Humanities, because the OP is looking for advice on what to do and how to deal with the situation.

+1

Please see my post no. 97 on the last page for pretty much the same reasoning as yours.

Oh The Humanity

OP, I really think you should get out. This fella is a timewaster regardless of what his reasons are.

We can speculate; maybe he is gay and is using you as a cover, maybe he has performance difficulties, maybe he is religious whatever. Irrelevant, the end result is he deliberately misled you and now he is not going to put out so P45 him.

In my personal opinion he knows your stance and is not going to change his. Rather than wasting your time he should man up and stop using and manipulating you.

I suspect these types enjoy the attention and love to feel they are this unattainable and ever so desirable object. Vanity, in my opinion, conveniently disguised as religion or whatever tedious doctrine they claim to have swallowed.

IMHO all this 'I dont want to have sex before I am married' is attention seeking. Like Dudess said if these people are actually sincere about it then they should restrict themselves to 'dating' others like them and leave the genpop alone.

JC 2K3

Christ, over 100 posts.... This thread has nothing to do with the motives behind or merits of waiting until marriage...

OP, you have two choices:
1. Stay with him and don't have sex for the remainder of your duration together (unless you end up marrying him, which at 21 would be a bit of an exceptional case)
2. Break up with him.

Don't delude yourself into thinking there is a 3rd "Change him" or "Wait and he'll cop on eventually" option.

numanuma

Why is there such fear that a bad sex life is the end of the world. No it is not. There is a learning curve involved. The first time for everyone isnt always a 2 hour session of pure passion. It takes time to learn to build up to a memorable intimate moment. If someone does not satisfy you first time in bed but they love, I can assure you they can and will learn how to satisfy you and further your sex life and relationship.

Cosmopolitan or the likes appears to have instilled so much fear in people they believe that mediocre sexual encounter means total incompatibility. Come on people, is it really like that? Have you no patients? Or perhaps the problem is just pure selfishness "me me me".

To the OP, any wedding plans on the table? Can you wait that long? Or is he afraid of such commitment?

Faith

You have to bare in mind that there's no guarantee of his satisfying your sexual needs once you're married either, should you stay with him. Let's say you get married and you want to have sex every day. However, he actually finds he doesn't think it's that great, or doesn't have a high sex drive, and only wants sex once a fortnight. Would you be happy with that? If you're not, you're not trapped in a marriage.

I'd personally never marry someone without sleeping with them, and being sure that their sex drive matches mine. Personally, I'd happily do nothing else besides have sex, and could never stay with someone with a low sex drive.

prinz

JC 2K3 wrote: »

Christ, over 100 posts.... This thread has nothing to do with the motives behind or merits of waiting until marriage...

OP, you have two choices:
1. Stay with him and don't have sex for the remainder of your duration together (unless you end up marrying him, which at 21 would be a bit of an exceptional case)
2. Break up with him.

Don't delude yourself into thinking there is a 3rd "Change him" or "Wait and he'll cop on eventually" option.

Exactly.

numanuma

May it be noted that an individuals sex drive changes throughout their life. Significant events physical or emotional can totally change ones sex drive. What you get today is not a guarantee of what you will get tomorrow. If we were to base marriage on this there would be a sharp rise in separations once menopause sets in.

Am I an old timer or what? I value companionship not sex. Am I alone?

OP what do you value?

Oh The Humanity

numanuma wrote: »

Why is there such fear that a bad sex life is the end of the world. No it is not.

Well, speak for yourself, it would be the end of my world!

numanuma wrote: »

There is a learning curve involved. The first time for everyone isnt always a 2 hour session of pure passion. It takes time to learn to build up to a memorable intimate moment. If someone does not satisfy you first time in bed but they love, I can assure you they can and will learn how to satisfy you and further your sex life and relationship.

OP, didnt say it was HER first time, I think the above is very much stating the obvious.

numanuma wrote: »

Cosmopolitan or the likes appears to have instilled so much fear in people they believe that mediocre sexual encounter means total incompatibility.

Bit patronising to assume that people are no better dumb vessels that can be brainwashed by the likes of Cosmopolitan. Incidentally, Cosmo is hardly the beating heart of all thats current and relevant in the minds of the 'yoof of today'

numanuma wrote: »

Come on people, is it really like that? Have you no patients? Or perhaps the problem is just pure selfishness "me me me".

Look, dont be disingenuous, its not selfish to want a sex life and a red hot one at that.

numanuma wrote: »

To the OP, any wedding plans on the table? Can you wait that long? Or is he afraid of such commitment?

She doesn't want to have to get married at her age just to get her just desserts. For the love of Jebus, its a bit extreme to have to get married just to get your own fella to put out. Ridic.

Dublin_Gunner

numanuma wrote: »

Am I an old timer or what? I value companionship not sex. Am I alone?

OP what do you value?

Its not a case of one or the other, and never should be. Its to strike a good balance for both, not disregard either.

If I merely wanted companionship - I'd get a dog.

If someone doesn't like sex, fair enough, but they're not going to have much of a lasting relationship with someone that does.

numanuma

Well formatted counter Oh The Humanity.