Credit Crunch Tips- very funny!!!

funky_monkey

Helpful tips for the new Budget !!




CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!!

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.
In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Not sure how to make contented wasps angry? - just put some into an empty cigar tube and you'll know.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly against the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

dilallio

And a few more...

Save the price of a visit to a public swimming pool,
by recreating the experience in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the
pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check
your day-to-day requirement for himself.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply
popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is
there.

DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons
with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor
with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the
top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-
filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will
burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.
Probably.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Dont buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. :eek:

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive
alternative to expensive sun-bed treatments.

keano_afc

Where would we be without Viz...

brayblue24

Yep, kinda what I was thinking alright. Funny nonetheless

dh0661

funky_monkey wrote: »

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

:eek: Anyone want to buy me a hoover :rolleyes:

Queen-Mise

dilallio wrote: »

DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons
with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor
with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the
top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-
filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will
burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.
Probably.

ok i know some water balloons on the ceiling aren't going to put out a fire.

But is there any truth to the rest of it....

brayblue24

Queen-Mise wrote: »

ok i know some water balloons on the ceiling aren't going to put out a fire.

But is there any truth to the rest of it....

:eek:

Fiona500

Milk, sugar, ketchup and salt are freely available in MacDonald's and loo roll!


Run around your neighbourhood at 3 am the night before the bins are collected and put your rubbish in other peoples bins. Just make sure there is nothing in there with your name or address on it. The bins will most likely be collected before anyone has a chance to look into them.

Swap films and cds with friends instead of buying them yourself.

Walk or cycle to the shop across the road instead of driving.

Eat your leftovers instead of just binning them.

Buy store brand everything instead of the main brand, most of it is exactly the same and even produced in the same factory.

Don't buy shower gel or shaving cream, just use soap.

Don't buy coffee and tea in shops use the thermos that is sitting in the cupboard.

Sell everything that you never use on adverts.ie.

Don't buy water, just clean old bottles with Milton and refill them at home to bring with you.

Carpool to work/school.

Read the newspaper online.

Spending €5 a day on your lunch adds up to over €1100 a year, not including weekends and holidays. That's the cost of a fairly decent second hand car every year!

brayblue24

Think someone needs to lock this, it's starting to make sense!

Pal

Fiona500 wrote: »

Milk, sugar, ketchup and salt are freely available in MacDonald's and loo roll!

You forgot the straws !