A few funnies

Dave147

A man tattooed WY on his dick.When the dick is flaccid you can only see "WY",but when he gets a boner the tattoo stretches and it says Wendy,name of his girfriend.He went into a bar and after a few drinks he walks into a toilet.He unzips his pants at the urinal and notices that a black man urinating beside him has WY tattooed on his penis also.He asks the black man:-"So your girlfriend's name is Wendy too,huh?" The guy kind of laughs and replies, "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day".

An emperor needs a samurai and asks a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish sword master to each demonstrate his skills.
The Japanese samurai releases a fly from a matchbox. Whoosh goes his sword, and the fly drops to the ground in two pieces.The Chinese samurai opens his matchbox, and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword, and the fly drops to the ground in four pieces.
The Jewish samurai releases a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword, but the fly continues to buzz around.
The emperor, perplexed, says, “You didn’t kill the fly.”

The Jewish samurai replies, “Right. But he will never mate.”

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.
Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, “I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”
Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.
The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.
Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.
Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”

This Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by a Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries inspector. The inspector says to the Maori bloke that it looks like he has caught a couple of undersized crayfish.

The Maori says: "Nah Bro, these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home".

The MAF officer doesn't believe him and tells him it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket.

Then the Maori says: "Nah Bro, just watch" and chucks the crayfish into the surf.

The MAF officer then says: "Ok let's see ya whistle and make those Crayfish come back to you"

"What crayfish?"

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?", the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Samurai

pretty good, the first one has me stumped though

edit: hahaha yup!

Dave147

Sorry Sam, part of that is missing, I'll edit it there - it's pretty good actually