Dad/Son Relationship

Splendour

Hi, have a bit of a sticky situation and looking for opinions please.

I'm separated with two sons, one living with their Dad and one with me. That in itself is heartbreaking for me but is another days topic...

The problem I have at the moment is the son who lives with me had been going to his Dad's every second weekend, that was until an incident which occured in January of this year. My son's school run a panto every year and last year my son had a part and his Dad duly went along. This year, I had a part in the panto(as did my son) and his Dad refused to go along as I was in it. This caused my son alot of heartache and anger and he has since refused to go his Dad's. Now they are at loggerheads and not talking.

To be fair to my son, who's 12, he held out the olive branch a couple of weeks back in the form of a text asking his Dad if he wanted to forget about what had happened. He was told by his Dad that he'd have to apologise to him and his girlfriend for what happened. When my son asked what he meant by this, my ex replied 'if you have to ask what apology is for, just forget about it'. He then passed a message through my elder son (14), to tell his brother not to text him anymore.

As I have a pending divorce, my solicitor mentioned this incident to my ex. My ex is now saying he wants to pick up my son tomorrow and take him out. Problem is, my son is saying he doesn't want to go! He's really really hurting and tbh, I don't blame him. I think he just wants an apology first from his Dad-and I know that's one thing he won't get. I also have an older daughter with my ex and he hasn't spoken to her in years.

So after that longwinded unedited post which I apologise for (don't have much time), should I try and corherce my son into going with his Dad, or should I leave it up to him? Actually, I don't think I could make him go if he doesn't want to...

Oh the perils of separation!

Skuxx

IMO its up to the child, if he doesn't want to go you should support his decision and talk to him about it so that maybe he will get to a point when he would like to go!

Splendour

alan1990 wrote: »

IMO its up to the child, if he doesn't want to go you should support his decision and talk to him about it so that maybe he will get to a point when he would like to go!

Thanks alan1990, I am inclined to think that myself but my solicitor has said in a fax she received from my ex, he is stating that I'm actually not encouraging my son to see his Dad. I tried this in the first few weeks but my son wasn't having any of it and said if his Dad loved him, he'd have shown it by going to the show.
His Dad had another opportunity at my sons confirmation a couple of weeks ago. I left son & father together to give them space, but no go there either.
IMO that was an ideal opportunity for my ex to say something...

MoonDancer

Oh, I'm sorry you have to go through this!
Is there any way you & their dad can sit down & talk about the problems. There is no way a parent should cut the children out of their life. It's not fair to the kids at all & could cause problems for them in the future.
Have you tried family mediation?
I suppose the only thing you can keep doing is reassuring your son that you both love him & his dad is just being difficult because of the Divorce coming up.
I agree with the other poster, I would support the kids decision if he doesn't want to visit his dad at the moment.
Who cares if the dad thinks otherwise, your son is the number 1 priority & you have to support him through this tough time, I'm sure he is very hurt over the whole thing!

Splendour

MoonDancer wrote: »

Oh, I'm sorry you have to go through this!
Is there any way you & their dad can sit down & talk about the problems. There is no way a parent should cut the children out of their life. It's not fair to the kids at all & could cause problems for them in the future.
Have you tried family mediation?
I suppose the only thing you can keep doing is reassuring your son that you both love him & his dad is just being difficult because of the Divorce coming up.
I agree with the other poster, I would support the kids decision if he doesn't want to visit his dad at the moment.
Who cares if the dad thinks otherwise, your son is the number 1 priority & you have to support him through this tough time, I'm sure he is very hurt over the whole thing!

Thanks for the kind words MoonDancer-unfortunately this has been going on for ten years, and wheras I've gotten used to the cr*p my ex throws at me, it breaks my heart to see my kids being hurt by him...
I'd give my right arm to be able to talk with my ex but he doesn't and won't talk at all-not even to say hello! When we separated, he told me he'd make my life hell and he's done a darn good job over the years!!

We went to mediation last year. I requested it at a court hearing, he didn't want to go but the Judge told him he had to attend. Problem was when we got to mediation, my ex said he hates me so much he didn't want to be in the same room as me. The mediator said there was no point in attending unless both parties wanted to be there, so that was a waste.

My poor son has just goneto bed and says he's feeling sick from the whole thing. Alot for a 12 year old to contend with...

MoonDancer

Splendour wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words MoonDancer-unfortunately this has been going on for ten years, and wheras I've gotten used to the cr*p my ex throws at me, it breaks my heart to see my kids being hurt by him...
I'd give my right arm to be able to talk with my ex but he doesn't and won't talk at all-not even to say hello! When we separated, he told me he'd make my life hell and he's done a darn good job over the years!!

We went to mediation last year. I requested it at a court hearing, he didn't want to go but the Judge told him he had to attend. Problem was when we got to mediation, my ex said he hates me so much he didn't want to be in the same room as me. The mediator said there was no point in attending unless both parties wanted to be there, so that was a waste.

My poor son has just goneto bed and says he's feeling sick from the whole thing. Alot for a 12 year old to contend with...

Ugh! I'm sorry!! I just don't get some people, the can be so cold hearted.
Your son is in the best hands having you as a mama. My heart goes out to him. Have you tried some counselling just with yourself & your kids? They might be able to reassure them, that it's not their fault that their dad is behaving like this.
Honestly, I think you should have gotten another mediator, that one didn't seem too bothered in helping, a good one would've found out the reason why the dad didn't want to be there & maybe make light of a lot of the trouble thats going on.
I reckon counselling for your son would be a good idea, poor kid feels sick over this, it's obvisiouly stressing him out a lot

Splendour

Thanks again MoonDancer. I got my son along to a one on one counselling session but he refused to go to anymore wiht or without me. He's also done the Rainbows programme a couple of times.
He can't understand why his Dad had to go through a solicitor to make contact instead of just making a direct call.

With regards to the mediator, I've stressed to my solicitor that I would like this to be brought up during the divorce hearing but even if my ex is 'made' to go along, it will be a waste. I'm in a no win situation with this man no matter what I do...