Daughters first boyfriend.

paperclip2

Hi all.
Not sure if this is the right place for this so Mods please move if necessary.

Found out last night that my thirteen year old daughter has a boyfriend. Nothing dramatic in that I know. Except I'm freaking out slightly, actually a lot. I dont want to, I know its not appropriate, so any advice on how I can get a handle on myself here would be welcome.
I dont know the lad himself, I know he's sixteen and in transition year. I also knew his dad through work a few years ago and I do know that the family have been through a really, really hard time, that the children especially have had a heart-breaking childhood. I am worried that my girl might end up with a boyfriend who needs more support than she is capable of giving him. He's also had a few girlfriends, I haven't yet been given the definition of what 'a few' means. :rolleyes:

She asked could he come over after school today which would have meant the two of them being alone in the house from 2.30 until I get home after 5. Needless to say my answer was a swift negative. I do want to meet him, but partly because I want to do a Sweeney Todd on his ass. ARRRAGH! :mad::eek: (Wrong I know).

I've managed to keep a lid on it and not do psycho mammy. I know I'm probably projecting a lot of stuff onto this poor lad thats entirely nothing to do with him. But I'm actually terrified of screwing this up, alienating my daughter and scaring her for life. (As was done to me when I was her age). I want to know how do I give her the right amount of space to let her grow up and start experiencing teenage relationships without (a) letting her get in too deep and (b) having a nervous breakdown myself!

I know there are lots of you who have managed to do this with finesse and easy as a breeze. Sadly I'm not one of you so guidance, advice, and tips on self-restraint would be welcome.
Thanks.

Bam33

Hi Paperclip2,

I think the best thing you can do is support your daughter. If she wants to see this guy let her see him in your home when you are around. You could tell her he could come over at 5 once she has all her homework completed and he could stay for dinner?? At least then they are in your house (with others) so they cannot get up to too much damage. It iwll make your daughter feel like you are not against it and teach her to be open with you about when she is seeing him.

Fad

Obvious there are no real rules about age and going out, but 16 does really seem like a bit old for a 13 year old to be going out with, to be honest with you.

paperclip2

Fad wrote: »

Obvious there are no real rules about age and going out, but 16 does really seem like a bit old for a 13 year old to be going out with, to be honest with you.

Thats what i kind off think too. But I know if I start laying down the law then it will just go underground with the pair of them. We had him over for his dinner last night and he seems a nice chap but...

kdak

ok well theres a few things you need to remember:

dont start by being negative about it-
try get her to open up about him, so ask her in an excited way 'so tell me about X! he seems nice' etc.
if you're wary from the start (or appear wary) she wont open up to you about him and if she doesnt do this from the start then she definitely wont do this if theres ever a problem.
also you need to appear to be on her 'side'- if you're not it will become an us against them type thing.

HOWEVER!

you need to do this while still actually being wary! :pac:
so you need to have some 'rules' with her- only in the house when you're home, all homework done before going out...
explain that these rules are only there while you are getting to know him and if they both respect these rules then you may adjust them and come to a compromise (sp?) at some later date.

tell her that you will be supportive of their relationship as long as they're both open with you and respect your feelings too.
try to get to know him as a person and build a relationship with him too. that way hes not 'the enemy' and she cant use the aul 'you dont even know him' line!

im a young mum so im speaking as both a parent and from my not so long ago puppy love years so this is what id do but you'll know whats best in your own situation. hope this helps!

Femelade

Any 16 yr old lad that has dinner with his girlfriend and mom is a pretty decent guy imo. You would not see that much these days, most guys that age wouldnt be seen dead meeting the mammy, not to mind having dinner with her.
Just be a friend to her..talk to her and ask her questions about the relationship.
Best of luck.

SerialComplaint

paperclip2 wrote: »

Hi all.
She asked could he come over after school today which would have meant the two of them being alone in the house from 2.30 until I get home after 5. Needless to say my answer was a swift negative.

Just curious - is she normally on her own from 2.30 to 5?

January

SerialComplaint wrote: »

Just curious - is she normally on her own from 2.30 to 5?

I'm taking it that her daughter is in secondary school so I doubt it. Maybe one day a week??

Did you meet the boyfriend???

Ericka

paperclip2 wrote: »

Hi all.
Not sure if this is the right place for this so Mods please move if necessary.

Found out last night that my thirteen year old daughter has a boyfriend. Nothing dramatic in that I know. Except I'm freaking out slightly, actually a lot. I dont want to, I know its not appropriate, so any advice on how I can get a handle on myself here would be welcome.
I dont know the lad himself, I know he's sixteen and in transition year. I also knew his dad through work a few years ago and I do know that the family have been through a really, really hard time, that the children especially have had a heart-breaking childhood. I am worried that my girl might end up with a boyfriend who needs more support than she is capable of giving him. He's also had a few girlfriends, I haven't yet been given the definition of what 'a few' means. :rolleyes:

She asked could he come over after school today which would have meant the two of them being alone in the house from 2.30 until I get home after 5. Needless to say my answer was a swift negative. I do want to meet him, but partly because I want to do a Sweeney Todd on his ass. ARRRAGH! :mad::eek: (Wrong I know).

I've managed to keep a lid on it and not do psycho mammy. I know I'm probably projecting a lot of stuff onto this poor lad thats entirely nothing to do with him. But I'm actually terrified of screwing this up, alienating my daughter and scaring her for life. (As was done to me when I was her age). I want to know how do I give her the right amount of space to let her grow up and start experiencing teenage relationships without (a) letting her get in too deep and (b) having a nervous breakdown myself!

I know there are lots of you who have managed to do this with finesse and easy as a breeze. Sadly I'm not one of you so guidance, advice, and tips on self-restraint would be welcome.
Thanks.

Ok, well firstly, you are not being irrational. You are anxious for your daughter right now. Break that down?..... scared, anxious, loss of control.. why loss of control? because you had it in the past and you were able to guide. Shes neither child nor adult, yet wants recognition of the fact. So tread nicely.. with careful undertones

If you dish out stern instructions alone, she will feel like she cannot talk to you or even trust you. So you need to reign that in. You try for a mother-sister relationship for a little while.