Can you force someone to be a dad?

recharge

goodmum wrote: »

Look, this debate could go on and on and on and you are obviously only going to hear my side of the story, because I'm the one who posted it.

So we can go on and on talking about my choice and his hatred towards me and his right to choose not to be a father in the same way that a woman can choose not to be a mother.

But the FACTS of THIS story are that there is a ten year old girl who would like to know here father. And because he has made his choice, she will (probably) never get to know him.

This should not, after ten years, be about me and him and our relationship.

It should be about him and his daughter.

I can leave my emotions towards him (of which there are few at this stage) outisde this issue because it is not about me. It's about him and our daughter.

Perhaps she will one day post on boards.ie and start her sentence like 'I never knew my dad growing up' and ask for advice on an issue around the rejection she felt as a young girl.

And I personally believe that no human being has the right to affect another human beings life, WHO THEY CREATED, in that capacity. Nobody has the right to ensure that their OWN child experiences rejection on a daily basis, just because they changed their mind and decided they didn't want to be a father after all. And please don't say that this is similar to adoption or abortion because it's not. He wanted her, we made her, and then he thought 'Eh, not for me'. And he has continued to feel that way.

i think there is alot of hatred in there on your side too,

As you said its takes two to make a child and look after it and cherish it. From your posts you seem to want it your way, did you ever try reason with him?? really reason and not just demand what you want the way you want it??

Working togeather is alot easier than shutting the other out,

And at the end of the day if he dont want to be involved why chase him soo much?? why would you want someone that ignores your child for ten years commong into her lofe and maybe causing her alot of emotional damage?? why would you chase that??

Have you fully delt with your feelings towards him?? Do you feel he ows you something??

goodmum

So thank you all for your contribution and replies to my original question which was 'Can you force someone to be a dad', it has been very much appreciated.

IIMII

goodmum wrote: »

And no, I didn't tell him to f&ck off years ago. Far from it in fact. We had been arguing yes, but in hindsight, we had a newborn and I suppse that was quite normal. And after one of the arguments, he just decided he actually didn't want to be a dad or a boyfriend/partner anymore.

Just asking

recharge

Unless all the facts are on the table (both sides) the problem wont be solved, just your side.

You come accross as someone that has a problem listening and will only hear what you want to hear,
Best of luck to you and i hope it works out best for your child.

Nevyn

Please do not drag private matters which are discussed via pm into public threads.

metrovelvet

I will never forget the tears shed by friends ten year old when his father didnt respond to his letter. He wept for weeks.

She had made the well intenioned mistake of thinking that if the letter came from the child,rather than from her,he would likely respond. He didnt and it caused much more pain than if she had done it behind the scenes without the child knowing.

I think the best thing to do is not invite this creep back into your lives only to cause more pain but to lead your daughter to a place where she can accept that his rejection isnt a reflection on her but that he is weak and unable to cope.

gamer

I dont want to be rude but he has a right to say i dont want to form a relationship with my daughter.HE doesnt like you and he sees no point in seeing her.
I know a girl 9years old ,she never met her da.COS her mother had a 1 night stand ,she thinks this man is an idiot,so her daughter was told your fathers in another country,even though he,s 5miles away.
IF you never had something ,you dont miss it.
BEcause her mother has a boyfriend 4 ,5 years the child treats the boyfriend as a stepfather,or a father figure.She never met her father so she does not miss him.
ITS HARSH ,AND SAD but its logical,hes thinking i dont want to see you ,i dont wanna see your family.AND he may feel i,ll meet a woman and fall in love,at that point i ,ll consider having a child.
Maybe he was not in love with you so he left you when you got pregnant.
HE MAY BE a good man but he has made a pragmatic descision which is his right.IF you are in a serouis relationship the child may have a stepfather in future.

meganj

Goodmum,

You can't legally force someone to be a father to a child, in some ways i suppose it's a pity, but people are entitled totheir own decisions and we can't make them change.

My Dad left my Mum before I was born. I'm twenty one now and he came back into my life at 13. Before that Mum always told me that he couldn't be around because he said if he couldn't be there all the time for me then he didn't want to hurt me by just popping in and out of my life. She used to always tell me that I'm sure he thinks about you everyday, and he's the unfortunate one in not getting to know you.

It was fine when I was younger, heart breaking as it is though I used to wait for him to arrive on my birthday, with x amount of birthday and chirstmas presents. I'd wait for ten minutes every year, but he never showed. There were times when I was younger when I spitefully shouted at my mother that I hated her and wanted to live with my Dad. Hurtful hurtful things, but when she was the one making all the rules I imagined a world with my dad where I could eat all the chocolate i wanted and stay up late.

I don't envy you the journey your going through because the sacrifices my mother made, making her the bad person so I wouldn't hate him for the rest of my life. My mother is a very special woman, she's calm and bright and she never EVER said a bad word against him. But she never told me to write a ltter, she took the responsilibity on herself and said that she couldn't allow me to contact him until I was 18. It may sound harsh but as I know now, he never would have responded to letters, never would have wanted to hear from me and that would've been a lot worse then blaming my mother for a few years until I was old enough to understand that she was protecting me.

When my dad finally returned to the wonderful world that was my life at 13 :P things were difficult. And they continue to be difficult. I never know whether i wish he'd stayed away forever, or that he'd come back. But I digress, the most important thing here is your daughter. Support her through all the deicisions she wishes to make, don't bad-mouth him to her if you can avoid it because it'll just make things worse and tell her that she's the most important thing in the world and that if he can't see that then it's him that's missing out.

I wish you the best of luck with it. I hope he wakes up one day and wants to get involved, and I hope you let him. But if not i hope your daughter grows up to understand that you love her dearly, and that that may just be enough!

goodmum

Thank you so much for that post megan.

I got some very negative comments to my orig post which OF COURSE didn't mean I would consider forcing this man to be a dad, because firstly, I can't and secondly, I wouldn't want to.

If my daughter gets to your age and says something like you said, 'My mother is a very special woman,' and realizes how difficult this was for me, and how much I tried to protect her from any hurt, I'll be very proud.
Very proud indeed.
Well done megan, you seem like a very lovely person

meganj

Thanks GM, it's not everyday you get compliments like that on boards.ie!

And honestly the reason i'm a lovely person is my mum! And i'm sure one day your daughter will be on boards saying the same thing!

Best of luck with it!