Not Anti-jokes, just dreadful jokes.

Hagar

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
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I went to a fortune-teller last week and he told me a lot of money is coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then got hit by a Securicor van.
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My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called S now.
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I like to stay current with the electrifying adventures of Sherlock Ohms.
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What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway!
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I worked as a stand-up comedian in an old people's home once........
None of them understood my jokes but they still p***ed themselves.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
===========================
A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
===========================
I phoned the local ramblers' club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!'

banquo

Hagar wrote: »

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called S now.

Excellent.

Hagar

Today is my wife's anniversary, two years ago today I lost her.:o
I haven't played poker since.

tech77

Hagar wrote: »

Today is my wife's anniversary, two years ago today I lost her.:o
I haven't played poker since.

Those are great.
Why do you call them dreadful.
I could imagine someone like Steven Wright telling them.

Edit: The Suggs one is great.

Homer

Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.

He's going to be their bow selector

speedboatchase

What do gay horses eat?
Hayyyyy!

Did you hear about the wooden car?
It wooden go

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field



....sorry

Hagar

A blonde and a redhead are walking down the street when the redhead says "Aawww look at that dog with one eye" so the blonde covers her left eye and looks at the dog.

Bearhunter

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Thame way.

g-whizz

speedboatchase wrote: »

What do gay horses eat?
Hayyyyy!

....sorry

fuccking brilliant

Capt'n Midnight

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian, they're not laughing now.

Capt'n Midnight

* What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
* Justice Fingers.


* How do you have a party in outer space?
* You plan-et.


* If two collars had a race, how would it end?
* In a tie.



* What do you call an earthquake fault zone?
* A topographical error.


# What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?
# Oh-lay

Capt'n Midnight

A blast from the past http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=307374

http://rinkworks.com/jokes/jokes1.shtml - 78 pages of them
Here is a sample.

# Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
# They're making headlines!

# When is a school report not a school report ?
# When it's turned into the teacher.


# What's Bill short for?
# he's got no legs.



A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."



# Why did the baker rob the bank?
# He needed the dough.


# What did one plate say to the other?
# Lunch is on me.


# Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
# It's two tired.



A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.



A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."



One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his "raisin d'etre."



# Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
# He wanted to wake up oily.


# How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
# Eclipse it.


# What do you call a deer with no eyes?
# No eye deer.
# What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
# Still no eye deer.


# Why is a room full of married people empty?
# There isn't a single person in it.


A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.


Said Helvetica Narrow to Helvetica Bold: "Hey, you're just my type."

Capt'n Midnight

What's Black and White and Hides in a Cave?
A Zebra Who Owes Money!


Who's the guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art!


I put clean socks on every day this week...
Now My Shoes Don't


I met a camel with no humps, so I named him Humphrey.


How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.




Remember alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.


I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up but I convinced myself that it wouldn't make any difference.


A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."


How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.


What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!



What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A elephant with spare parts.



Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!


Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.


What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!


What happened to the butcher when he sat on the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his orders.


What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.



What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!


What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee





When do you have the right to sue your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.


How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.



I'm sure you've heard about the dyslexic who walked into a bra.
He also sold his soul to Santa.




A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle. The bartender asked "What does he look like?"


What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned...



Why did yore grandmother go on the pill?
She didn't want any more grandchildren.




So this guy from Czechoslovokia and his friend go to Glacier Park in Montana and go camping. The park rangers tell them to call in everyday to report that they are okay and where, approximately, they are. And they do that for the first few days but then they miss the next day, and then a second day.
The rangers mount a search for the two in the area where they were last reported to be. They find a pair of bears, a male and a female, sleeping deeply. Next to them are some shoes and a hat and a couple of backpacks. Reluctantly, they kill the two bears.
They cut open the female bear, discover human remains and a Russian passport.
"You know what this means, don't you?" says one ranger.
"Yes," replies the second ranger somberly, "the Czech is in the male."



Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, Olive or Twist?'


three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when they were approached by a flasher, two of the women had a stroke, but the third was too far away to reach




Quasimodo walks into a bar yelling 'The bells! The bells!'
The barmans says 'Sorry sir, we only have Glenfiddich and Johnny Walker.'


Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the counter and says 'Can you put me up for the night?'

Cake Man

Awful! :pac:

eamonnf

Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He needed a poo!

How did the accountant cure constipation?
He worked it out with a pencil!

Pal

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Who's the guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art!

Who's the guy in the pool with no arms and no legs ?

Bob



Who's the guy under the car with no arms and no legs ?

Jack

Penn

Did you hear about the man who fell asleep behind a car?
He was exhausted

ALTERNATIVE PUNCHLINE: He was tyred

Porkpie

Why was 6 upset?

Because 7 8 9.





*Gets coat and legs it*

Porkpie

How do you spell 'Ethiopia'?


e t o p a


I love this crowd!

eamonnf

What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a guy with a piece of turf on his head?
Pete



worse and worse:D:D

Penn

eamonnf wrote: »

What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a guy with a piece of turf on his head?
Pete



worse and worse:D:D

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas


What did the priest use to keep slugs away from his vegetables?
Lettuce Spray

Penn

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Did you hear about the man who fell asleep behind a car?
He was exhausted

ALTERNATIVE PUNCHLINE: He was tyred

I knew there was one I was forgetting

Did you hear about the man who fell asleep behind a car?
He was feeling run down

Bearhunter

eamonnf wrote: »

What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a guy with a piece of turf on his head?
Pete



worse and worse:D:D

What do you call a man with a hundred rabbits up his arse?

Warren


What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?

Russel


What do you call a dog with a harelip?

Mark

Pal

What do you call a seagull standing on a beach at Christmas ?

The answer to this joke is so pathetic that I deem it the worst joke ever. Go ahead and guess for yourselves. If nobody gets it, I will reveal but really would prefer not to embarrass myself

Hagar

Sandy Claws.

Penn

Surely thats a cat though. Seagulls don't have claws.

Or is that why its one of the worst jokes ever?

Pal

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Seagulls don't have claws.

Pretend

Penn

Not even sure if this classifies as a joke, but its one my friend John told me and was quite proud of

John: Want to hear the best joke ever?
Me: Ok
John: Ask me am I a fireman
Me: Are you a fireman?
John: No


It actually did make me laugh...

Hagar

My favourite bad joke, my sister says to me "Say 'Knock, Knock'" so...


Me: "Knock, knock"
Sister: "Who's there?"
Me:"???... Aw feck ye..."

Deadzone

What do you call a man with a pig on his head? Hamed

What do you call a man with a pig and a lawnmower on his head? Mohamed

What do you call a man with a pig and a lawnmower on his head standing between two houses? Mohamed Ali

trad

What do you call a girl with one leg?
eileen

What to you call a girl with no legs?
noleen

What do girls from the northside have in common with bowling balls?
Both take 3 fingers and get f**ked up a lane

What do northsiders use for protection when having sex?
A bus shelter