Advice on setting boundaries with a grandparents

LINDA08

Looking for some advice from anyone else who may have experience with this please.

My childs father has chosen to have no part in his life however his parents have weekly contact with him over the last 2 years roughly around the time he started in school. Almost all of the visits to date have been to my home as they cannot bring him to their house as their son (my son's father) still lives at home and does not want our son in their house and I don't want my son put in a situation where he feels he is unwanted.

I was happy enough to facilitate the relationship with them all but the usual scenario is that they ring about an hour or two before they plan to arrive, talk to my son and then he is looking forward to them coming so I find it very difficult to say it doesn't suit even when it doesn't. It has now become the norm that they seem to call when it suits and don't on other weekends when they have plans which is fine, however they seldom ring to say they are not coming and I have my son asking is Gran & Grandad Grace coming to see me but I don't have the answer and when they don't he obviously is disappointed, this is after him sitting in the window looking for their car to pass on saturday and sunday, honestly.

I think the time has come to set some boundaries but I'm not a very assertive person, I want for example to say that they are welcome to visit my son every saturday if they wish or every alternative saturday but if they are not going to turn up that they need to let me know by the Wednesday so I can let him know so there is no disappointment. I'm afraid that if I try to do this that they may see it as a way of trying to resist their time with their grandson and it may get their backs up and then they withdraw from my son altogether. I don't socialise often but I find when I do decide to head out I'm always delayed because I can't really tell them to get up and go so I can get ready so I feel I have lost control over my weekends waiting for them to make up their minds.

Any advice on how to approach this subject without offending anyone or risking the relationship my son has with his grandparents, many thanks.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think the time has come to set some boundaries but I'm not a very assertive person, I want for example to say that they are welcome to visit my son every saturday if they wish or every alternative saturday but if they are not going to turn up that they need to let me know by the Wednesday so I can let him know so there is no disappointment. I'm afraid that if I try to do this that they may see it as a way of trying to resist their time with their grandson and it may get their backs up and then they withdraw from my son altogether. I don't socialise often but I find when I do decide to head out I'm always delayed because I can't really tell them to get up and go so I can get ready so I feel I have lost control over my weekends waiting for them to make up their minds.

I tihnk if you explain how he gets really upset when they don't come they'll know you're not trying to resist them. I mean even show them this thread and I think they'd understand.

nesf

Talk to them and explain that the lack of a schedule upsets him, that you want them to be part of his life and offer to work out something like every second Saturday evening or similar for them to call over to see him. Simply state it that you feel it's important that he has a good relationship with his grandparents and that something more fixed than them calling over randomly would be in his better interests than the present set up.

Birdie086

i agree, I'm sure if you just explain that he gets upset they will understand. I'm in a similiar situation. Whenever myself and my son bumped into his parternal nana/aunt, they would always say 'we will call in and collect you tomorrow/sat/weekend etc' and then i wouldnt hear from them. the last time it happened i just said please dont say that unless ye mean it. My son is approaching three so soon he will be more aware. Plus i couldnt make plans till the last minute. Now they text and arrange in advance what time they collect him and drop him back much easier.

Woddle

By the sounds of it, your not able to tell them but want to. So why not invite them out for a coffee with a friend of yours and set up some rules and be sure to tell them how happy you are with them first and then tell them your thoughts. Is a mediator an option, they could sit down with both parties as a neutral and get some kind of verbal contract. Remember your main goal is your childs welfare and I'm sure there with you on that and routine is very important for kids.

LINDA08

Thanks to all for your input, got the call about half an hour ago to say they'l be calling in the afternoon, my sister has offered to be here for the afternoon for support when I try and approach it with them and also to distract my son to ensure he doesn't hear what is going on just incase it goes belly up, will take all of your advice on board and hopefully it will be sorted or at least a step in the right direction by the end of the day.

IsThatSo?

Hope it went ok

LINDA08

I bottled it couldn't get myself together to say anything, just so happened that they asked to bring him off to the park so the opportunity to say anything didn't really arise. Have the week now to get myself together, starting to think I'l say it to her when she rings to arrange the next visit, might be easier not to see the facial expressions and I can write down what I need to say.

loismustdie

hi linda, have you sorted your issue out with them yet? i can be very like you at times also so really feel for you. i find it easier to form in my head what i want to say. for instance " john, mary, ive mean meanin to say to you how grateful and happy i am that you have such a good relationship with james, he loves seein you so much and im delghted to have you in our lives, but i was also wondering how you would feel if i were to suggest we plan our visits from week to week, simply so i would then feel that we can make plans when we're not expecting you... hopefully then you'e broken the ice and you can relate to them better, treat them like friends and speak to them like so. and always remember nobody is any better than you (no more than you are better than anyone else) i find this kind of attitude helps, i hope my input helps if you havent already spoke to them, good luck

LINDA08

Hi loismustdie, thanks for your reply, well I eventually got the courage to say it to them after 3 weeks of them not turning up for various different reasons. The initial reaction was very cool, although I started it by saying that I wasn't questioning their love or commitment to their grandchild but that their inconsistent visits were causing some confusion for him and that I thought it was better for all if we had a routine that would work for us all.

After the initial discussions they too agreed that what I was saying made sense although they couldn't agree on a particular time as they didn't know from week to week if they would have something else on so I've offered them a Saturday afternoon 1 week and the Sunday afternoon the following week and so on. We also agreed that they would let me know on the Thursday if they couldn't make it so at least we won't be sitting at home waiting for something that is not going to happen.

One step forward, will work on it bit by bit, thanks to all for your advice.