coming out :(

Sean^DCT4

Hey Guys,
Just wondering what age most of yous were when coming out, I am 25 now and getting a bit depressed im still at home without my parents knowing a thing about my personal life.

Feel very isolated and lacking in conversation and intereaction from likewise individuals :P

So my question is, what age were you guys and gals when you first let people know your orientation, and how did people react and in what environment....



Seany

MrStuffins

Man, i aint gay so have never come out haha. But you're 25? It must be killing you.

Why havent you come out? Are you afraid what they might think? Wouldn't your family support you?

Trance

Oh god get a move on. It's not like anybody believes it to be a big thing anymore. You just don't realise that until you actually come out... and the chances are that your family already know. They just don't want to say it to you.

shay_562

Trance wrote:

Oh god get a move on.

Helpful :rolleyes:

OP: I was 16 when I started telling my friends, 18 when I told my parents and 21 when I told my brother. Most people took it well, especially my friends and my brother. My parents took a bit of time to adjust, mam in particular, but they're both completely fine with it now; they've met the OH, think he's a lovely chap etc. I'm not going to lie; I do know people who have had negative reactions, but to be honest, that only builds up over time. The longer that people feel that you've been 'lying' to them, the more likely they are to feel hurt and need some time to adjust.

Basically, none of us can give you a definite blueprint as to how your parents or anyone else around you will or won't react. I can, however, say two things with relative certainty: first, that you're going to have to tell them at some point, and second, that the sooner you tell them, the sooner they're likely to make peace with it. Difficult though it may be, the sooner you bite the bullet the better, and you will feel better afterwards, if only because all the pressure of lying and changing gender pronouns and having to constantly watch what you do or say will be lifted. Good luck!

oisindoyle

Sean^DCT4 wrote: »

Hey Guys,
Just wondering what age most of yous were when coming out, I am 25 now and getting a bit depressed im still at home without my parents knowing a thing about my personal life.

Feel very isolated and lacking in conversation and intereaction from likewise individuals :P

So my question is, what age were you guys and gals when you first let people know your orientation, and how did people react and in what environment....



Seany

First of all whats the hurry ?Come out when YOU feel you want to .I know lots of people who came out far later than 25 so dont worry ..Every situation is diferent and everyones comming out is different ..Have u phoned the gayswitchboard dublin at all for advice or just to lend an ear? Have you spoken to anyone re your situation ? Have you been with guys before?
If you wanna pm me feel free

xxlilyxx

I was 18 comin out to my friends and 19 when i finally came out to my ma and the rest of my family. It was a great weight off my shoulders. Everyone took it great, it did take my ma a while longer to accept it but she's great bout it now. Im 21 now and its great bein who i am around everyone. Good luck to you when you do come out, you wil see it as a great weight off your shoulders. And alot more people are acceptin of it these days. I could walk thru town wit my girlfriend holdin hands and most people dont even look twice. Anyway as i said good luck x

Sir Ophiuchus

oisindoyle wrote: »

First of all what's the hurry? Come out when YOU feel you want to.

I have to disagree. I'm not presuming to know your situation, OP, or what you're going through, but what I do want to say is that you're at an age where, honestly, you're heading toward making this choice once and for all. The things that hold younger people back (needing parents' direct support, fearing getting beaten up in school) aren't issues for you any more (at least, as far as I know). But if you don't take steps toward this it's going to be really easy to slip into a comfortable state of never doing it, because it's easier not to.

Do you want to be closeted at thirty? Forty? I'm really not trying to be mean to you but these are questions you need to face up to, and choices you need to make.

In answer to your question, I told my parents I was questioning my sexuality (which I was) around 17, and came out to myself and others at 19. My parents were very supportive, as were my college friends. A friend of mine from school didn't really know how to react but has gotten better about it. I told my gran (who's nearly 80) recently, which was really difficult as I'm very close to her but nonetheless thought she might react badly. She didn't in the least - said she'd suspected, and that I was still her grandson whom she loved.

People can surprise you, but not if they're never given a chance. Ultimately, though, coming out (if you choose to) is something you'll have to do for yourself, not other people. Good luck, and as the other poster said, I'm happy to talk if you PM me.

oisindoyle

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

I have to disagree. I'm not presuming to know your situation, OP, or what you're going through, but what I do want to say is that you're at an age where, honestly, you're heading toward making this choice once and for all. The things that hold younger people back (needing parents' direct support, fearing getting beaten up in school) aren't issues for you any more (at least, as far as I know). But if you don't take steps toward this it's going to be really easy to slip into a comfortable state of never doing it, because it's easier not to.

Do you want to be closeted at thirty? Forty? I'm really not trying to be mean to you but these are questions you need to face up to, and choices you need to make.

In answer to your question, I told my parents I was questioning my sexuality (which I was) around 17, and came out to myself and others at 19. My parents were very supportive, as were my college friends. A friend of mine from school didn't really know how to react but has gotten better about it. I told my gran (who's nearly 80) recently, which was really difficult as I'm very close to her but nonetheless thought she might react badly. She didn't in the least - said she'd suspected, and that I was still her grandson whom she loved.

People can surprise you, but not if they're never given a chance. Ultimately, though, coming out (if you choose to) is something you'll have to do for yourself, not other people. Good luck, and as the other poster said, I'm happy to talk if you PM me.

Without entering into a tit fot tat debate with you ,i have to sa I disagree with you ,,lol
The thing is its different for everybody .Some teenagers have no problem coming out to all and sundry and are happy to do it ,while others i know of struggled for years trying to accept themselves and the worry of telling others ..I know who came out at 35 38 and 42 ..they al came from good families and understanding famlies,but each individual is exactly that "an individual" ..So OP i say to you again ,,take your time dont rush it ,do it when you feel YOU want to and again my offer of you sending me a PM still stands ...

Aoifums

Trance wrote: »

It's not like anybody believes it to be a big thing anymore.

Except just about every closeted person out there.

Anyway OP, I say take your time. It's up to you. And planning when to come out is helpful. Really, people get a little freaked out when you just blurt "I'm gay". So planning things in advance is good.

I am 16 and came out to my friends about two months ago. Some of them are ok. One is freaked out and thinks I have a thing for her, but I'm the only openly not straight person she knows, so I forgive her. Three of my friends are cool with it and the rest of them aren't talking to me (it's unrelated, but they took it ok).

My mam knows and it has defiantly put a strain on our relationship. I don't want my dad to know yet, because he's quite homophobic. But my mam doesn't mention it and hates when family members joke about my boyfriend or future husband.

It's up to you. Unless you're outed, then you're the only one who has a say in coming out. If you're not out to your friends, maybe they might be a good place to start.

jady88

15 by accident

rainbow kirby

Came out to friends at 21-ish, almost all reactions were good apart from one guy who decided to be a prick about it.
On the other hand, I'm not out to family - which is something I really should deal with soon.

BuffyBot

Sean^DCT4 wrote: »

Hey Guys,
Just wondering what age most of yous were when coming out, I am 25 now and getting a bit depressed im still at home without my parents knowing a thing about my personal life.

Personally I can't think of anything worse...I mean I'd much prefer if my parents knew as little as possible about my private life :P

Seriously though, there is no set timescale for these things. Do it when you want to do it, not when you feel you should because you read something on the internet.

Feel very isolated and lacking in conversation and intereaction from likewise individuals :P

This here interwebnet is a good thing for that sort of stuff. It even translates into real life at times (forum beers etc).

So my question is, what age were you guys and gals when you first let people know your orientation, and how did people react and in what environment....

Many different ages, many different reactions, many different environments. I tell people as the need arises. For the most part, it rarely does.

To be honest, coming out doesn't involve a big proclamation and a parade. I've never quite understood the urge to "tell the world". At one time, I might have felt it was an important thing, but I'm pretty sure it was brief. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and more curmudgeonly but most of the time, I don't even bring it up any more. If it comes up in conversation or in a situation, it's fine by me, but in the longer term, if it doesn't, it doesn't. My sexual preferences are incidental. They don't define me, and I don't want to be defined by them.

So basically, do what you feel it right for you, but don't feel like you have to do anything if you don't want to.

Reflector

I was 17 when I told friends and 23 when told parents, but was living away from home.
I would suggest moving out, you can get a single room somewhere quite cheap. At least then you have your own space

kisaragi

I started coming out to my friends when I was 15, and came out to my family when I was 17 All my friends were grand and I've never had a bad reaction from anyone! It really is a huge weight off your shoulders I know people who are still closeted in their 40s and it's not nice... Your family might be a bit shocked but they'll get used it

CaptainSkidmark

im not gay but i imagine its a real worry to have hanging over your head!

how do you think your parents will take it?

Shane_C

Dunno about your parents but I bet your friends will have figured it out by now.
I don't have kids but I would like to think it would be absolutely no big deal

Monkey61

Well I don't entirely agree with the "oh there's no rush do it in your own time" thing, but it would depend on circumstances. For me, (I'm 25 now), if I hadn't told anyone by now, not only would I be intensely miserable and living some strange alternative life, but I would never have even kissed a girl by now. I had to tell my friends, or it was just never going to happen- because how else would I have met people.

I told my Mum when I was 14 - cue many years of horrendously offensive gay jokes (thanks Mum) and started to tell my friends when I was 17. Not so much tell them really, as once something becomes a part of your everyday life, the need for scary announcements is reduced to zero. It's just entirely normal now when meeting new people in work or other situations and they might ask what I did at the weekend, to say "ah nothing much, just went to the cinema with my girlfriend" or something like that.

It is scary though, and will be scary for quite a while, but the sooner you get used to saying it out loud, the sooner it will become easy. Even a year ago, when I moved to England and started a new job I was absolutely terrified of saying the term "my girlfriend" to new people. This seems ludicrous now because there is nothing in the least but scary about it - but it just took a while for me to get over the fear and the embarrassment. Silly I know.

So I would say go for it subtly. Just start slipping things into conversation and maybe tell a few close friends if you really want to have someone to talk to about it.

smileykey

The fear of coming out is far worse than actually doing it. Just go for it. It's incredibly difficult just to say the words but you'll feel so much beter in yourself for having done it. And you can start living your life as you, not as a lie.

LegacyUser

As someone no longer in the first flush of youth who is not out, with the benefit of hindsight, it would be my recommendation that any gay man or woman comes clean so to speak as soon as they themselves are completely sure. You'll be better able to handle it and cope with the fallout, positive or negative. And dont waste years of your life in the meantime.

jeckle

A useful rule of thumb is to come out when you are totally comfortable in your own head with being gay. It’s a bit pointless expecting those close to you to ‘accept’ (for want of a better word) your sexuality, if you aren’t entirely comfortable with it yourself.

Assuming that you are I would tell a close friend or sibling first – the chances are that it will come as no surprise to them.

It’s always worth bearing in mind that it isn’t necessary for you to tell everyone you know about your sexual preferences. Being gay isn’t who you are – it’s just part of who you are.

I realise that not having told anyone can be quite difficult, especially if you want to socialise in a gay bar for instance, & don’t relish the idea of having to lie to those close to you regarding where you were or where you are going.

But it’s also important to remember, especially seeing as you feel a bit unsure of whether or not you want to tell people, that you start by telling someone who you can trust.

Some people are ‘out’ to all & sundry…some just ‘out’ to close friends…some ‘out’ to just one or two brothers or sisters & not to parents…some not ‘out’ to work colleagues – everyone’s situation is different, but close friends can be more objective in helping you to decide who to tell or not to tell.

Most people who come out to even just one close friend or family member find that it was much easier to do then they thought it would be, & wonder why they worried so much about it.

Also, a true friend would not have an issue with your sexual orientation – if they do then they are not a true friend.

Parents are a different matter. Some of the ‘older’ generation sometimes find it hard to accept or even understand, but most modern parents will in time come to terms with it, once they understand that you being gay is no ‘fault’ of theirs, & that it has nothing to do with the way they brought you up. Some parents simply have a problem with the fact that they won’t have grandchildren, or that you may grow old alone, or whatever.

I would just be careful about sharing unnecessary personal information with work colleagues.

Butterfly baby

Probably not the same as coming out as gay but I was 4 when I "came out" as Transsexual. I don't remember a time when my family didn't know how I felt and we're talking about over 30 years ago, 30 years ago there wasn't even a word for Transsexual nevermind organisations like TENI, GIDI or Outhouse and as much as they hated it I'm still their child...my point being that my family still love me and your's will still love you too. It's not as big a deal as you think. You're only saying that your gay and they probably already have a feeling that you are so try not to make such a drama out of it. They're your family, they love you so give them more credit than to assume they'll hate you as soon as you tell them. Trust me on this there are worse things you could tell them and worse things they'd be afraid to hear than your sexual orientation.

Boston

Wibbled wrote: »

What a complete and utter garbage post, how the hell can a 4 year old child come out as transsexual :rolleyes:

You're talking out of your Hat. Gender identity sets in far earlier then sexual identity. Here's a link to the wiki article, a news article here about a 6 year old. And here's a video about being transexual and a child

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2EV3w2QxII

Butterfly baby

Wibbled wrote: »

What a complete and utter garbage post, how the hell can a 4 year old child come out as transsexual :rolleyes:

Easy..I never wanted to be male. It was wrong to me and to be honest I knew when I was about 2, I just never said it until I was 4 because at 4 years old we start school and then girls and boys get brought up different and the male way didn't work for me. At 4 I didn't come out as Transsexual because when I was 4 the word Transsexual didn't exist, all I did was say I should be a female.

Otaku Girl

Boston wrote: »

You're talking out of your Hat. Gender identity sets in far earlier then sexual identity. Here's a link to the wiki article, a news article here about a 6 year old. And here's a video about being transexual and a child

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2EV3w2QxII

The problem is most people don't have a clue what a transexual is and there are so many false beliefs it would be comical were it not so serious.Anyway,here's another one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsVu8my2wRY

LegacyUser

I would say that if you feel you can handle all the consequences, negative and positive, do it earlier rather than later.
Living and hiding a major part of yourself into your older years is not to be recommended.

Doop

I've found mtself in a very similar boat 25, not out to anyone, was getting freaked out that i got to this age without telling anyone, i was probably on the road to telling people when i was about 16 or so, then a load of other stuff happened (negative but unrelated) which i think put me further into the closet... didnt want to be vulnerable.

I'm currently away from home as are lots of my friends, one friend i decided to tell in my head a good while ago, i know i can trust him and i wanted to tell him, so i did, his reaction was perfectly normal, and its great to be able to talk to him about it now.

My advice would be pick a friend you know and trust and tell them... i havent told anyone else but i know i will at some stage, but one step at a time, ive told one person, and ill tell others when i see fit. Again i knew this friend would be cool, but theres always that doubt, but i cant imagine any of my friends reacting negitivtly. For example this friend even said he'd be happy to go to gay bars with me if wanted someone to go with!

I reckon one step at a time, and you can do it gradually, no need for any grand announcment!

LittleShadow

Eh.

Well, I didn't feel the need to make it a big thing for myself. I had the constant feeling I found men more attractive when I was about 15, by 18 I had tried my experience with girls and it was enlightening enough for me to have a concrete view that I was gay.

Personally, I found it hard to even accept it myself. It took a while for it to sink in. But when it did sink in, I realised the fact I am gay is not a major thing in my life. Its just another part of me. So I asked myself, 'Why make a big deal out of it?' and simply changed my myspace orientation (since at the time everyone used myspace) as 'Gay' and let people figure it out.

I never had a big coming out party, I just let people gradually figure it out for themselves. If they had a problem then I would try and help them get over it. If they didn't then I would move on and so would they.

I would move on to be a better, honest-with-myself me. And some people would either come with me or stay behind which is fine. Everyone accepts and takes things in their own way, that is not your fault.

---

On the issue myself, I think you should move out, tell them and get on with your own life. Be your own person and they'll get over it eventually.

Now don't think I am saying it will be all fine and rosey because, to be honest, there will be times it will be ridiculously hard.

But you need to have the bad, because if you don't then how do you know how good it feels in comparison when it is all sorted and everyone is over it?

LegacyUser

oisindoyle wrote: »

Without entering into a tit fot tat debate with you ,i have to sa I disagree with you ,,lol
The thing is its different for everybody .Some teenagers have no problem coming out to all and sundry and are happy to do it ,while others i know of struggled for years trying to accept themselves and the worry of telling others ..I know who came out at 35 38 and 42 ..they al came from good families and understanding famlies,but each individual is exactly that "an individual" ..So OP i say to you again ,,take your time dont rush it ,do it when you feel YOU want to and again my offer of you sending me a PM still stands ...

I'm 40 and haven't told anybody I know my father would freak and I don't want to upset anyone. I get depressed about it sometimes because it looks as though I'll be on my own for the rest of my life. Please don't say just worry about yourself and don't mind anyone else that's easier said then done and peoples circumstances are different.