Problems

Babooshka

Folks I'm really sorry this is so long, but I'm having issues right now.

Having some problems currently that I have been having a very long time. Basically I feel intimidated and bullied by a co-worker.
I normally turn the other cheek so to speak, in other words I can be a bit of a pushover at time due to high anxiety around any sort of conflict. I tend not to be very good at standing up for myself and am a bit of a yes woman. However, after almost 5 yrs of it, my patience is running out, and I'ma bit scared I'll go the opposite way as I feel I am getting defensive more so than assertive.

I am on a reception desk. The other person is supposed to work with me as part of an administration team (She's Office Manager), is working there 20 years, and can be very bullish at times. I overheard a Director telling this person to "stop barking" at them last week. However he just seems to be able to forget about it the next day and it's all friendly again. An issue arose last week whereby it was practically demanded of me to perform a duty to suit this person, yes it was part of my duties, but not in the manner I would normally do or should have to do.

Part of the duty lead me to taking something into to a Director that I needed his help on in order to perform this duty. The director apologised to me, on behalf of the company, and said that he noticed the way that I was treated and that he felt it wasn't good enough. I told him that in actual fact that my treatment (sometimes, not all of the time) by this person is making me nervous and anxious and that I am getting stressed about it outside of work. (I'm having bad dreams etc.)

I had a screaming match almost with this person about 3 years ago, when I attempted to confront her about her rudeness and ignorance. She basically spent the rest of the afternoon, crying, because I had called her on her behaviour, and basically told me that I had upset her, (several times she approached me in tears) and her defense was "I let you go for a cigarette, and I'm very good to you" etc, like she's a martyr and not being paid to relieve me for my break etc. It was awful to be honest, and I can't go through that again. She basically said that she snaps the head off everyone now and then and that it can't all be nice all of the time.

The thing is, she has played on the nice chatty side to get you onside and then treads all over you. Basically, I can't do the nice thing any more, I have a walking on eggshells feeling all of the time. I'm attempting a professional but polite distance which I find hard to maintain sometimes she has a face like she's chewing wasps and I react sometimes because I can't abide rudeness. I also had to perform a duty I would not normally do because I feel she abused her position to get me to do same, and she wasn't very nice about it to boot.

I've been told by two Directors in the past (I am not joking you) that "she's a loose canon" "she can't handle it", other terms very similar, as she has been in tears several times in their office and she's kind of paranoid about stuff, and a compelte control freak basically. I realise is very unprofessional on their part also to even be discussing this with me like that, but it was ina private meeting with them about my duties in the past, they had told me they wanted to take some duties from her to give to me, but in fact they never have and I just end up confused because there are mixed messages coming from the very top down, it's like a very dysfunctional office. There are no real procedures in place here as to grievances because it seems to be every man for himself, and the boss has a different favourite every week.

Bottom line is, one director told me that he spoke to the other two Directors about this latest episode and that he wants to tackle the issue, because he wouldn't be able to work under the pressure I get from her sometimes, and that she wouldn't try it with him because she knows he'd "react", is exactly what he siad. that was last week. I asked him how he would approach it but he said he couldn't tell me at the moment, and he hasn't given me a time frame on this. Meanwhile she has been all nicey nice again, but i just can't handle the nice thing any more, and I am very closed to her, but she's right beside me in here, and I just can hardly stand it at times.

I've started to document everything since last week that happens if needs be, and am trying my best to just bite my lip and do my job and be polite. I had a bad weekend worrying about it but nothing has been said to her, or to me. I'd know if it was said to her just by her, and they haven't told me anything. Can anyone else advise me of my situation here...should I be asking for a timeframe on this, bearing in mind I did not make an official complaint, he brought the whole situation up before I did.

There's no HR Manager. I was promoted to HR duties by default last year when the HR Manager left but I'm more like a HR Admin officer. I was asked to compile a company handbook which I did on Jan 3rd 2008, emailed to my Directors for approval, and they have never even answered me on it. I feel mostly ignored and my confidence levels are getting worse in here, but before I even think of leaving I want to see what anyone else thinks here. The job is dead end but I am paid huge money for what I do. Yes I did sell out but I swear to God, no money is worth the feeling that you are not respected. I think in the long run obviously I need to upskill and leave because no one should have to work this way.

Sorry for long windedness.... just trying to be as clear as possible on it, thanks.

Jonty

All I can say is write everything down that this woman does to you - even when she treats you normally. You are trying to present a picture that she is suffering from mood swings and this is affecting your work performance.

Babooshka

Hi all

As an update to this post, I have still not had any feedback from work re the above issue. I haven't had a lot to document but have documented anything I feel relevant. I think they're going to lump this issue in with meetings re pay cuts or hour cuts or redundancies soon.

If they're letting me go that's it problem solved (even if they did avoid tackling the issue for a month), but at least I won't have to feel miserable any more.

My worry is, what if they're keeping me on, and what if they don't mention it at all? I'll have to bring it up, but in what way do I bring it up? It is not an everyday problem but it does rear up at least once a fortnight or so. I'm beginning to wish I had just had it out with her myself now but the last time I tried to asert myself with this person there were tears and tantrums and I don't have the energy my spirit's beaten down these days.

I also think she's ok (when she's not acting in a bullying manner... I know it's a weird one) and so does everyone else, so part of me feels like I'm going mad, and that my Director just fed me lines to shut me up or something. Or else when he consulted others they told him to hold me off until I was let go at end of month or whatever.

I don't want this to get out of hand, if I am staying, but I really feel compromised. How do I word this at a review (if I'm being kept)? Any advice appreciated. I am not a whinger who runs to teacher for everything but in this country, if you do need help in this area, it feels like you are the one causing the trouble and not the one throwing their weight around. Any advice from anyone who's got experience? Thanks if you can....

dade

you made a formal complaint to your direct superior right? or to someone above that? then they should have addresses the matter, a quick email response to the one you originally sent just asking for an update on the situation. something like

dear so and so, as you recall i sent you the below attached mail. I'm wondering if we could meet to discuss the matter as i have not heard from you since i sent this mail.

or something like that.in relation to being let go, If they do let you go after you have made this complaint I'm of the opinion (i may be well wrong here) that they would be skating close to an unfair dismissal case. you could claim that you were let got because of your complaint, it's up to them to prove otherwise. unless of course they provide a legitimate reason for your dismissal.

Babooshka

Thanks for the reply. No it was not done by email my superior apologised to me without me complaining, he brought it up with me and said it was bad the way I was being treated in some circumstances. No emails at all.
I then continued once he opened the can of worms to explain that, yes it was beginning to affect me, and that I was close to telling her I'd take it further if she didn't back off, but as he said that management would tackle it and they'd be back to me, I decided to wait and bite my tongue.

So no, no emails. I'm really unsure what to do as this has always been the issue in here, no proper channels to go down, and no company handbook either, it was asked that I put one together and as I said previously when I emailed it I was ignored on that also (over a year and a half ago when I was HR moreso back then)

You might say I'm a twat for allowing myself to be ignored for that long and in that manner, and you'd probably be right. I'm sick of it all at this stage but I was just looking for advice as to how to word it when I'm called in, may not get that far if they just say they're letting me go cos of downturn as more people than me will be getting let go anyway. I should probably take a lot of notes at this meeting. If I'm let go I will be getting advice either way. I'm more worried about staying to be honest, I know most people would kill for a job but I'm pretty fed up, life's too short and all that. Thanks Dade. I don't think I wanted the eeki-ness of a formal complaint, in other words, yep, I'm a chicken, but he offered to fix it, I didn't press it, he did and he was most insistent, now, nothing, which does really lead me to believe the other superiors asked him to hold off for a reason and that's possibly that I'm being let go, or they might even ask me if I want to (you know, seeing I'm not happy and all that...they're like this, I think they'd let me hang myself rather than take any responsibility in dealing with any conflict especially now they've bigger worries).

EDIT: I would also like to pretty much avoid the legal route as it's messy... and I'd like a good past behind me if and when I leave.
I just hate feeling like no one gives a crap, but I know no one does to be honest. I'm very isolated apart from Office-zilla (!) so I guess I'll have to wait till next few days and see what is proposed at this meeting. Sorry I go on so much but I'm troubled at the minute wish I knew how to handle it, scared I'm going to lose it, I kept it together for so long. I feel like I'm losing my marbles cos she chats away to me like a pal and then bang, change completely when it comes to work issues, eek I'll shut up now.

Sorry folks.

jobucks

Hi Babooshka,

Have you had any update since your last post?

If not, In my opinion what you need to do is make it official. Write an email to the Director concerned (the one who originally brought it up) and ask him has there been any update on the situation. If you get no answer within a few hours, ask him did he get your email. If you do not do this or make some kind of contact, if you do get let go then you won't have a leg to stand on. However if you have something in writing (email) that shows you have been in contact with one of the Directors about this then you may have a case for constructive dismissal.

It sounds to me like they are very much holding off on doing anything because there's a chance that they may be laying you off, if this is the case then I'd advise you to get further advice. (Is there any chance they could be laying her off?)

Just another thing, when / if you send the email to your Director, make sure your cc your own personal email address(hotmail, gmail etc.). If you are let go at least you will have access to that email.

Hope it all works out for you.:)

Babooshka

Hiya Jobucks

Sorry I haven't been on for a while.
I'm really down about it all. The funny thing is I should be glad, as they kept me on. But I'm beginning to thnk I'm having a nervous breakdown from it all. And I'm blaming myself mostly, as I always do.
When they told me they were keeping me on they said they'd be looking after it all etc. as they had more duties for me etc. and that they were aware of the issues and they "know what she's like" as they always say. I said that I just wanted their support and that it be made clear I'm not her subordinate. But I've heard it all before.

I'm not into schoolyard bitchiness at all. I think the woman herself copes badly with stress and shovels it onto me, because they shovel it onto her.
It's coming right from the top down, there's no way to fix it because no one cares. I feel like my life's falling apart because of it, like I'm cracking up from inside, and I'm not even busy with physical work, so much stress over so little tasks, it's all head stuff. I suspect that's a huge part of it though as when there's nothing practical to focus on, (which is supposed to be changing soon)

I had some clearing of the air with her this morning. I don't think it's her totally. I just think it's major mis-management and I want to go. Lack of structure. Unfortunately I don't have anywhere to go right now. Maybe it'll be a little bit better as it came to a head a bit this morning. I'm so weepy and feel like I'm going nuts and just want to go home, or ask a doctor for some prozac. Thanks for asking about it all though. It's been like this pretty much from day one and it's not going to change. So I need to get myself out of it. I feel so ungrateful sometimes thinking this way as there are people digging roads and selling Big Issues to make ends meet and I'm ok materially, but my spirit is ina coma, and my heart's sinking daily. I'm scared of losing my partner due to becoming depressed and I think I may have to go to a doctor soon. So it's not really worth all that is it.

I'm trying to let go of it and just do my job to whatever extent I can but I've been crying a fair bit lately and it's always a sign I'm getting depressed. I've suffered with a bit of anxiety before this so am not surprised I'm reacting this way, which is why I get into the vicious circle of thinking someone tougher would handle this better than me and then I just blame myself.

Thank you for talking with me though!

104494431

Something like this happened me twice while I was working for a company. The first situation was that someone was calling into our office from another office and basically (for lack of a better word) horseplaying with me and another guy (headlocks, punching etc). I told my manager that I found it to be ridiculous and out of line and he had a word with the guy.

The second occasion was when a coworker repeatedly commented on my appearance (I was overweight at the time), to the extent that it started to make me feel self conscious. So one day I literally exploded at her when she said something. I also made sure to do it in front of 90% of the people that I worked with and I also asked her if she thought it was acceptable to act that way, specifically in that environment. She was and still is a c*nt but she never did it again.

I always avoid confrontation if I can help it but I learned that you can't wait for something to happen, take the matter into your own hands and go do something about it, whether it's confrontational or not.

Best of luck.