Woman's perspective - Am I a bastard?

Nervous Wreck

Might sound like a bit of a PI but it's more a general... wondering... ment.....


Few weeks ago, I was out and about drinking with the lads and I bumped into an old friend from school. He was out with his gf, flat-mate and sister. I got chatting to all them and havin the laugh n'all and ended up floating between them and my group of friends and then all the lads decided to head on home. I stayed with this other group and basically got flirting with my mates sister. Now, he was fairly locked and by the end, I decided to walk them home because he was way too drunk and she wouldn't have been able to get him home. No way a taxi would take him in that state.

So I was a bit drunk myself and when we got back to their place, was flirting with the girl a bit more. Decided to be gentlemanly and not push anything (especially with my being drunk and her being sober) but basically implied that I liked her and such. She asked if I wanted her number and so I took it and said I'd be in touch to ask her out. Texted to say I'd gotten home safe and flirted a bit more.

The problem. A week and a half previous, I had a very nasty break-up after a year-long r/ship. Waking up sober the next morning, I realised that I wasn't going to be asking this girl out as it was far too soon for me and, should I ask her out, I'd end up using her as a rebound and that's not really cool... So I didn't do that..... But I didn't text her at all after that night where I'd been terribly flirty and implied we had something going on..... I was wondering whether I should explain the situation to her or just leave it be. After too many days of wondering, my choice was made for me as it woulda been far too long after the fact to say "Oh, in case you haven't copped on, I shan't be asking you out."

Kinda feel like I went the wrong way about doing the right thing.... What do we think? Would you girls prefer to be told flat out? Was I a silly mug to just not say anything. I'll undoubtedly bump into this girl at some stage and, should she ask for an explanation, I'll lay it out for her. I really was interested but didn't want to lead her on when I knew there'd be no future with it.

Hmm.... Discuss?!


EDIT: Sorry, just wanted to add that I'm actually just wondering what way people would generally prefer this sort of situation to be dealt with. It's not a massive PI with me, as I said, just something to think about in case of similar future situations... Cos personally, I reckon I'd wanna just be told flat out....

gra26

Personally I'd rather be told flat out. It could have led to a great friendship, but it seems you were rather rude. Although kind of accidently rude as it just took you so long to make your mind up about what to do. I reckon ya did the right thing though. I'd have been even more p'd off to be used as a rebound girl then just not texted.

Nervous Wreck

Ah crap...... At least I'll know for next time? Cheers gra26!

RacoonQueen

There's nothing stopping you texting her now to explain it. Explain it properly and you might still be in with a chance somewhere down the line.

Piglet85

I agree, I'd text her now if I was you. Be absolutely straight with her, and explain it like you did to us, including the fact that you're embarassed for having left it so long. She'll like you more for it in the long run, and it will save you from feeling so awkward when you next bump into her.

Snowie

RacoonQueen wrote: »

There's nothing stopping you texting her now to explain it. Explain it properly and you might still be in with a chance somewhere down the line.

thats what i thought... there's never a right time to get back in to the swing of things and itle be good for you to be mingling, with women.... doesnt mean she has to be your rebound... etc ...

I think it was pretty ott like your looking at things to far 2away live for the day not the month ahead!

sarsarsar

Yup, tell her and explain, dont leave her wondering what she did wrong!!

Then you're definitely not a bastard

Otis Driftwood

RacoonQueen wrote: »

There's nothing stopping you texting her now to explain it. Explain it properly and you might still be in with a chance somewhere down the line.

Piglet85 wrote: »

I agree, I'd text her now if I was you. Be absolutely straight with her, and explain it like you did to us, including the fact that you're embarassed for having left it so long. She'll like you more for it in the long run, and it will save you from feeling so awkward when you next bump into her.

sarsarsar wrote: »

Yup, tell her and explain, dont leave her wondering what she did wrong!!

Then you're definitely not a bastard

100% agree with the above mate.Drop her a text and explain.It will actually probably be beneficial in the long run.

And besides,its not like you slept with her or anything.

Stop beating yourself up over it!

Nervous Wreck

Ah yeah, I'm all for living for the day but her upbringing/culture is very conservative when it comes to relationships/sex etc so if I'd so much as kissed her, she'd be gearing up for a long-term type buzz....

Is it not a bit much to text and explain 5 weeks later? I mean she didn't text me either so would it be a little presumptuous to think she's been waiting by the phone? I mean, if she didn't make contact either, she's prob not that bothered, no?

pow wow

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

Ah yeah, I'm all for living for the day but her upbringing/culture is very conservative when it comes to relationships/sex etc so if I'd so much as kissed her, she'd be gearing up for a long-term type buzz....

Is it not a bit much to text and explain 5 weeks later? I mean she didn't text me either so would it be a little presumptuous to think she's been waiting by the phone? I mean, if she didn't make contact either, she's prob not that bothered, no?

Maybe her 'upbringing' extends to thinking if a guy likes you he'll make the move I dunno, I have to say if I was her I would probably have put two and two together and figured you weren't interested, for whatever reason. Are you wanting to tell her so she'll feel better or you will? Either way the result is the same - you don't want to pursue it. I'm not sure all girls would be interested in or want to hear the intricacies of why that's the case, however much it has nothing to do with her as a person etc. especially giving the amount of time that's lapsed...

Nervous Wreck

Oh no, I'm not trying to assuage any guilt. I'd never even considered texting at this late point and if it was about guilt then I'd certainly decide immediately not to push that on her. I'm more just wondering about the situation in general and what the best course of action would have been at the time. Fairly certain I know the answer now so I won't be getting myself or anyone else into this sort of situation again....


Thanks everyone!

ciagr297

for my two cents - while it would be nice and all to have an explanation, if a guy did that to me i'd be ticked off for a few days but i'd forget about it after that. she probably has written you off at this point anyway

as pow-wow asked - why are you wanting to tell her? if you meet again, it might be a bit awkward for a few mins but such is life.

something similar happened to me a while back but the guy (h-o-t-t-i-e) was real up front about it, he felt like his ex had basically run him over (in the emotional sense) and he wasn't looking for anything other....than what we had

/sigh

hobochris

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

Oh no, I'm not trying to assuage any guilt. I'd never even considered texting at this late point and if it was about guilt then I'd certainly decide immediately not to push that on her. I'm more just wondering about the situation in general and what the best course of action would have been at the time. Fairly certain I know the answer now so I won't be getting myself or anyone else into this sort of situation again....


Thanks everyone!

I'd still let her know, send her a quick text saying something like "Hey, sorry I didn't get back to you, truth is I'm only out of a relationship and am not looking for anything right now"

its good karma..

Nervous Wreck

To ciagr297, no no I don't wanna tell her anything at this point. It'd be far too self-serving and pompous cos, as you said....

ciagr297 wrote: »

she probably has written you off at this point anyway

I was just wondering about the situation in general. I think you're totally right and, though I didn't do the right thing and be up front at the time, I've learned from that now (especially with your guys' help) so I won't be letting anything like this happen again. I'm sure I'll bump into her again but I'm not one to let anything be awkward and, as I said, if she queries the situation, I'll lay it out for her in the most honest and apologetic manner I can....

g'em

Nervous Wreck wrote:

...though I didn't do the right thing and be up front at the time, I've learned from that now (especially with your guys' help) so I won't be letting anything like this happen again. I'm sure I'll bump into her again but I'm not one to let anything be awkward and, as I said, if she queries the situation, I'll lay it out for her in the most honest and apologetic manner I can....

Sounds like you have your solution.

As per the Charter this forum isn't for guys looking for advice from girls. Closed.