Dont know whether or not to have kids - any thoughts?

username123

Hi,
Myself and himself are getting married later this year, so have been having the 'will we have kids?' conversation.

Thing is - Im not maternal (never ever have the squirmy feeling when I see a baby - do understand the squirmy feeling because I get it for puppies etc...just not for babies!!), and he is not paternal. Neither of us can think of any particular reason to HAVE children, but we can think of loads of reasons NOT to.

The difficult bit is this - Im mid-30s. Neither of us wants to be in a position of regret 10 years down the line when the choice wont be available to us anymore.

We both see other couples with children and wonder what the big deal is, it looks like a lot of hard work and we see them not having the freedom to live as we do (nothing extravagant but just being able to drop everything and do what we like). We also have some friends who do nothing but moan about how hard it is and it seems like they are now not happy with their lot.

When we ask people why they decided to have children the answers range from 'we didnt decide it just happened' to 'we wanted children' - but no one seems to have an answer for WHY they wanted children.

There are also a lot of 'its a labour of love', 'you dont mind the hard work because of what you get back from it' type answers which I totally understand and accept - but to me thats not a reason to decide to have them in the first place, thats just a happy side effect of having them!!!

I even spoke to my GP about it and she actually advised me NOT to have any and said that its extremely hard work, she wouldnt like any more, and unless I was dying for one to not do it.

So now we're at an impasse. Neither of us are prepared to go ahead and try for children unless we really want one - and at the moment neither of us really want one.

Has anyone any thoughts on this - anyone experienced similar feelings?

lalalulu

It's a difficult one, my daughter wasn't planned. I wasn't happy when i discovered i was pregnant, however i knew i would eventually want children. I was always maternal i grew up with niece's and nephew's and i now work in child care. I love spending time with my daughter she brings me so much happiness, saying that though it's bloody hard work! You have to give up so much there's no more running out of the house at the last minute if a friend calls to meet up, there's babysitters to organise and the expense of a night out on top of paying for the babysitter! There's the worry is my child healthy happy etc, am i doing a good job. Crying, tantrum's, teething and so much more.
Having a child-children is a huge decision and it's not something you should do unless you have a desire to create a new life. It's not something you should do just because in ten years time you may regret not having a child!
If you and your partner are happy as you are and live a good life then having a child that you only half heartly want will be a terrible mistake.

username123

lalalulu wrote: »

It's not something you should do just because in ten years time you may regret not having a child!
If you and your partner are happy as you are and live a good life then having a child that you only half heartly want will be a terrible mistake.

Thank you - thats exactly what I think too. Yet there is a little nagging voice in my head saying 'what if...' about the regrets bit.
Realistically Id like if I could put if off for a few more years then think about it, but being mid thirties I dont have that luxury.

Thankfully myself and my OH are in total agreement on this issue - its not like he wants me to and I dont or vice versa - but both of us worry that making a strong decision on it now (not to) might be something we regret later on.

lalalulu

username123 wrote: »

Thank you - thats exactly what I think too. Yet there is a little nagging voice in my head saying 'what if...' about the regrets bit.
Realistically Id like if I could put if off for a few more years then think about it, but being mid thirties I dont have that luxury.

Thankfully myself and my OH are in total agreement on this issue - its not like he wants me to and I dont or vice versa - but both of us worry that making a strong decision on it now (not to) might be something we regret later on.

Absolutely! It's something that i'm sure all people who are unsure about starting a family think "what if" but if you were to go ahead and have a baby, in a way you can't really change your mind and hand the baby back.

I have a friend that when she gave birth she found she couldn't bond with the child and hated evrey minute of being a parent she didn't have a very supportive partner so i know that made things worse for her.
It's the hardest job you will ever do and there are very few days off. You're lucky your partner is on the same page as you.
Best of luck with whatever decision you make..

username123

lalalulu wrote: »

Absolutely! It's something that i'm sure all people who are unsure about starting a family think "what if" but if you were to go ahead and have a baby, in a way you can't really change your mind and hand the baby back.

Well thats just it - I dont want to go there and then find Im stuck there and not enjoying it!!!

I think the responsibility aspect is what gets me most, I was forced to take on a difficult family responsibility that I shouldnt have been in my 20s (totally unrelated to having children), but the level of responsibility was very difficult and although I didnt complain and just got on with it I hated having been put into that position. I am afraid that experience has given me a fear of taking on responsibility for another human being.

I didnt have a particularly happy childhood, there were a lot of family problems, so that has also conspired to make me less family oriented. My OH is in the same position, his mother made it clear to himself and siblings that she hated being a mother - so he is not particularly family oriented either.

We both like children, but we dont get gooey for babies. I actually think my OH would make a great father because he is very good with children, and he says the same about my skills with children, but its different when you can give them back!!

Quality

You know as soon as you get married, Everyone you know is going to think that It is their business to find out If you are going to have kids.... Save yourself the hassle and tell them that "you cant".. That will shut them up.

Like lalalulu my first pregnancy was a "surprise". I was never maternal up to that but it just overcame me. I love my own kids but wouldnt have much time for other peoples kids. I feel that myself and my husband have brought these children into the world, they are half him and half me.. We are so proud of them. It bonds us closer than ever... and is also probably one of the biggest stress factors in our relationship.

Can you imagine yourself in your 70's or 80's with no kids or grandkids of your own?

esharknz

Quality wrote: »

You know as soon as you get married, Everyone you know is going to think that It is their business to find out If you are going to have kids.... Save yourself the hassle and tell them that "you cant".. That will shut them up.

Hmmmm......tempting. I'm not sure either and a soon to be married woman. Now definitely isn't the time. I just wonder why people ask and then proceed to bite your head off if they don't hear what they want to hear (i.e. starting straightaway and producing a rugby team).

OP, it sounds like now isn't the time for you, if ever.

lalalulu

I really hate that! When people hear someone doesn't want to have kids they are told they are selfish! I don't get that at all, it's a personal choice and you are far from a bad person if you choose not to have children. I think it's worse that so many children are born and are abused by people who shouldn't be allowed have a dog never mind a child!

Walls

Actually, here's a thought; get a dog first. See what that tells you about you and your husband, and if you can/do make room in your life for an animal. I'm not suggesting that a baby will be anything like a pet, but the decision will display your own life to you, and whether you do indeed want a child, or are just feeling the pressure.

stovelid

username123 wrote: »

I even spoke to my GP about it and she actually advised me NOT to have any and said that its extremely hard work, she wouldnt like any more, and unless I was dying for one to not do it.

Personally, I'd be very unhappy with such subjective advice from my GP.

As for kids, it's really your choice and nobody can make it for you. You shouldn't be afraid to go along with your feelings even if you think they go against the grain.

nesf

Really, there's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. You should feel under no obligation to do it just because others are. If you're happy with how things are and you both feel the same way about this then you should just not have them and not worry about regret, there's more to life than just having children (not that new parents would have you believe that or anything).

metrovelvet

I came across a statistic that said 80 percent of babies are surprises. I suspect the other 20 percent have alot to do with peer pressure.

Only you can answer this. Your GP is way out of line.

I dont know what your experience was that inhibits you but I laboured my father into death and my son into life. I was in charge of his life and now my sons. In some ways they are similar,huge responsibilities,lessons in letting go, but also entirely different.

You may regret it. That is the risk that comes with choice. Some dont mind dying childless. You could be one of them and thats ok.

Ludo

metrovelvet wrote: »

I came across a statistic that said 80 percent of babies are surprises. I suspect the other 20 percent have alot to do with peer pressure.

So by your calculation no-one actually wants a child for any other reason than peer-pressure....I find that highly doubtful to say the very least. It is a natural instinct in people to want children. Survival of the race and all that. Like all instincts, not everyone has the same instinct. Some will not want tham at all and I can fully understand that as that was my opinion until I hit my thirties.

PullOutMethod

No-one - including your GP can advise you.
The most they can do is provide their own experiences and the 2 of you must make up your minds.

In my own case myself and my wife got married, we had a good relationship and led a comfortable, controlled existence with no clouds on the horizon.
However something was definitely missing - a sense of is that it ?

Having children made me realise that humans are designed to nurture.
Our previous life looks so 2 dimensional to me now.
I would regard it as the most significant thing I have ever done - if not the only significant thing.

username123

Thanks for all the comments/thoughts.

Just a couple of things Id like to address - Walls: we minded a dog recently and himself was tired of the little fella by evening 1
But I wasnt!

On a more serious note though, I dont doubt we would be capable of taking on the responsibility, I just dont know if we really want to.

PullOutMethod: I totally accept and understand that most peoples retrospective view on having children is that it is an extremely significant and life changing event - however, what Im trying to get at is why to have them in the first place? I dont feel anything is missing or 'is that it' about life at all - if anything, Id like more time to sit about and wonder if there is anything missing!!

I dont feel any pressure, or any obligation to procreate at all. Id have zero problems telling people who asked that I wasnt into it. But Im just not sure if Im into it or not!!!

Quality - I hear what you are saying about being old with no family but just from personal experience my own parents died alone because they had driven all family away with alcoholism, himselfs granny died with 1 son dead and 1 daughter living abroad - so family arent always around in old age. I would assume I would still have friends and 'extended' family around in old age.

Im still confused about it but everyones comments are helping me think more about it.

Gabsdot

We never made the decision to try and have children, it was always a given for both of us, long before we met and got married, that we would have children. We both love children and always imagined being parents.

As it happened we were unable to have any. This was absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The sadness, loss and grief we experienced was indescribable.

We finally became parents when we adopted our son 5 years ago and parenthood is wonderful. It can be hard work at times but our son brings us so much joy.

It's hard for me to understand people not wanting to have children but I certainly would not judge anyone for that choice. Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility and if it's not what you 100% want then don't do it. It is a pity that time runs out so quickly for women. I'd suggest that you give yourself a time limit, maybe by the time you're 38 or something and then if then you still haven't changed your mind then close the door on it and have no regrets.

BTW I doubt that 80% of pregnancies are accidents. Thinking of all my friends, sisters SIL's I can only think of one baby whose mammy admitted was unplanned

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I´m not in the position of having to make such life decisions but I have no doubt that I want to have children,infact when it comes to it I´d love a big family! Its not jst because I think I´m particularly maternal or great with children, but I really do feel strongly about having children. I had a great childhood. My family and extended family have had a ridiculous amount of family trauma to deal with, constantly infact. But aside from all that when I look back we have a great family life, thinking back on my childhood,the adventures,fun and games and imagination-I so much want to give that to someone. Also, if by any chance when I´m in my twilight years, I look forward to having as great a family network that my parents provided. Like I said, I´m not romanticising the joys of motherhood and gurgling babies, but the opportunity to introduce children and a family of my own to the world. Best of luck with it all, and congratulations on finding your happily ever after.

blueblue

It's hard to define specific reasons for having children in the first place. It's not something you have to do but rather, choose to do.

For instance, can you define your specific reasons for getting married? Apart from being in love and all that stuff.. :-)

ncmc

Hi OP, I kind of know where you are coming from, I have never been majorly maternal or gotten that 'squirmy' feeling when I see a baby that others talk about. I love my neices and nephews but find them hard work if I have to mind them! I have spent the 6 years since I got married waiting for that 'firebolt' to hit and to make me uber maternal. It hasn't happened, but as time passed, I have definitly warmed to the idea of having children and would think about having a child in the near future. My hubby is great with kids and has always wanted a family, so part of the attraction for me would be seeing him with a child of our own.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is, maybe give yourself a little time to think about it, enjoy the first couple of years of being married. I know you feel that time is running out for you, but the reality is that you still have a few years of childbearing in you, there's no need to rush into a decision. I suppose I was lucky in that I married quite young, so have had the luxury of time.

If you do decide not to have children, then don't let anyone make you feel guilty - it's not for everyone and there is nothing to be ashamed of in that. I totally understand the attraction of always having your freedom, to be honest, if my hubby wasn't so keen to have kids, i'm not sure i'd be pushing for it.

I've just read back on my post and realise it makes it sound like I am thinking of having children for all the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong, I do want to have a child of my own one day, but just don't think it's my sole purpose in life. Don't let others make you feel selfish or freakish just because having a baby isn't something you are sure of.

username123

blueblue wrote: »

For instance, can you define your specific reasons for getting married? Apart from being in love and all that stuff.. :-)

Actually I can define why I want to get married - I want to make a legally and morally binding commitment to acknowledge the depth of my feelings and to signal that this is who I want my future to be with.

Some really great replies here - I like the idea of setting a time limit. The thing is - I thought thats what I was doing in my mid 20s - to decide by mid 30s!! But now Im here, Im still not ready!

I do like the idea of introducing a new person to the world. But I dont like the idea of the responsibility of it.

So Im still undecided

stovelid

username123 wrote: »

I do like the idea of introducing a new person to the world. But I dont like the idea of the responsibility of it.

Personally speaking, I find the responsibility thing to be overstated. It's like something you worry about before the baby comes, but I've never once looked at him and worried about responsibility in an abstract/negative sense. It is a big responsibility, but I don't find that it weights heavily. He's there and won't be going away and that's that. Even when I lost my job a while back, I found him (and our family in general) more of a comfort than an additional worry.

He's young yet, so maybe that will change.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, in simular situation as you. I must say I have never woken up going, I wish I had kids... I see friends and family with kids of all ages and I get the whole thing, the love, bond, creating a life etc. I know if we were to have children they would be loved and brought up as well as any child ever has but just coz you can do somthing doesnt mean you should....
I also see people with kids who, well let say I'm glad they were not my parents... what made them decide so easily to have kids? Those I speak of are always stressed, shouting, dragging, unhappy and thats only the children!!

I do not know what the answer is but what is the worst that happens if you regret the decision? There is a big world out there to fill your life with magic...

iguana

I've always, always wanted children. It is hard to describe the level of desire, it seems to me that the desire surpasses feelings that I can describe. So perhaps when you ask people to tell you why they wanted children it's not that they have no real reason, but that they don't know how to articulate what they feel. I'll give it a try, but I don't think I can do it very well.

I love kids and find them fascinating, I love the idea of being a part of the journey from tiny baby to adult. (I have met some horrible ones, but that it down to their upbringing, so I don't think I'll have ones like that.;)) I'd way rather spend days at a time with a child than most of the people I've ever worked with. I'm the eldest in my family, and the oldest of all my (24) first cousins. My mum was a childminder throughout my teens and I babysat a lot.

Above all I love the feeling when a child is upset and turns to you to make it better. Though as a sibling, cousin and babysitter I'm not usually that person. What usually happens is that I make things better-ish, but deep down they just want their mum. So from a very early age I wanted to be the mum - I never liked dolls though.

However, parenting isn't for everyone. If you and your partner feel ambivalence toward the idea then don't let social pressure make you do something so huge as make a whole other person. Not having children is a perfectly valid choice and it's braver to say no to society's expectations. Imo, the only reason to have a baby is because you really, really want one.

Whynotme

If in doubt kick it out. Football saying but relevant when in doubt as to whether you are ready to be a parent. Park the idea for a couple of years. Agree it (review time) between you. You both seem to want the same things in life and at this time kids don't come into it. That may change when married.

Be a great aunt/uncle, take your niece's and nephew's out, spend time with them, then hand them back! Babysit for friends. Doing this will give you a better perspective on being a parent and will help you decide for the future.

If in time you change your mind, go for it. If it doesn't happen there are alternatives, fostering/adoption. So don't make hasty life changing decisions that you feel pushed into by other people, it's your life, so live it.

Ickle Magoo

Is it really something that you have to decide on now? There is a finite window in which most women are able to conceive or safely carry a healthy pregnancy to term and if you haven't decided you want to have a child in that time frame then the decision will be made for you.

I don't think worrying about whether you will regret not having children when you are in your dotage is a good enough reason to launch yourself into the rigours of parenthood. Live life as you want to now and if no urge to be a parent develops after several years of married life then I would just get on with enjoying the many positives of growing old together without any parental responsibilities.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.