A few funnies

Stevecw

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his son had come down with V.D.

"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."

"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 4 euro to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 euro, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 2 euro, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
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Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought...



..................


'Feck - I could win this!'
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MARKYAFC

Lmao they are brilliant jokes especially the first and last:D:D

Podge2k7

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?- Pregnant.
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A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
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An Irish man goes to the job centre looking for a job... "Paddy , We've only one job. It's at Billy Smarts Circus as a lion tamer" said the woman at the job centre. "I can't do that" says Paddy "It's easy, just go down there and Billy will take you through it" she replied... So , the next day Paddy goes down to the circus,goes in the cage and Billy will takes Paddy through step-by-step. Three enourmous lions come towards Paddy... "Crack the whip" Billy says "Crack the whip" So Paddy cracks it and they continue approaching. "Hurray ..what do I do" "Crack it twice, That always works" So he cracks it twice. Lions continue coming... Paddy instructs " Go in the corner and pick up th sh*t" "Where, There is none" paddy replies "There will be" Replied Billy
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One day a blonde went out to check her mail box. Five minutes later she does this process again ... she does this five different times. The last time she did it her neighbour who was looking at this through the window commented, 'U must have something very important coming .. the way u keep checking your mailbox that way. Then the blond says no I'm working on my computer and it keeps saying that I've got mail.