Is there such a thing as 'leagues' and how do I get from one to the other??

LegacyUser

I ask this as it seems the guys I fancy never like me, it's always the ones I am not romantically interested in.

Case in point, last weekend I went on a night out with a few work people. A guy I've a bit of a thing for was there and totally into one of my friends (who was having none of it!) and a guy who works in a different department, who I've had a few conversations with before, was giving me the clear come-on. He's a lovely guy but to me, friendship material. I just wouldn't be attracted to him.

When I look back on my love life, this has sort of been the main theme. I can count on one hand the amount of guys I've been instantly attracted to that I've ended up with. I'm not hideous looking, nor am I an amazonian beauty, but how the hell do others do it???

dblennon

I certainly don't think the guy in the other dept is Ugly, but is your requirement for innitial conversation, absolute attraction?

Also you may be giving off mixed signals would you consider yourself a relaxed person while out, or would you expect people to talk to you?

I know from personal experience that when I was learning to attract the type of women I wanted, I realised that i was taking the safe option, thinking I was attracted to the cold types, because if I was shot down I could blame them for being bitchy. this may be the type of guy that you are attracting at the moment. (they are not confident and you will not be attrcted to them)

I could be way off but IMO you seem like an assertive women who knows what she wants, but genuinely believes that she is only attractred to guys who aren't interested and its become a self-fulfilling profecy????

LegacyUser

Yes, there are leagues and let me tell you life is no picnic when you date out of it, so I wouldn't bother if I was you. Just accept yourself as you are and save yourself a lot of pain.

My BF is out of my league which I used to think was great...
Anyway, girls come on to him all the time right in front of me, its pig sickening to be honest.

I have to pretend not to notice as I dont want to come accross as a jealous cow. Which I am.

Its quite painful, feel like I am always delaying the inevitable and can never relax.

Girls are so obvious about it as well, they take one look at me and know I cant compete and openly try to come on to him. He is a gent about it but I dont know how much longer he will resist temptation.

Anyway, I would recomend you lower your sights and find a partner equal to you. Someone in your league is a lot easier to keep.

prinz

No there are no such thing as leagues. Nobody is in your league or out of your league.. that's all BS.

What there are though are shallow people who only judge whether someone is relationship- v. friendship material based on looks obviously.

If there are "leagues" in your life, you've created them yourself.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

My BF is out of my league which I used to think was great...
Anyway, girls come on to him all the time right in front of me, its pig sickening to be honest.

Anyway, I would recomend you lower your sights and find a partner equal to you. Someone in your league is a lot easier to keep.

That's a relationship headed for collapse. Not because of anyone else coming on to your fella, or him resisting temptation but because you have serious issues imo. A relationship is about two people viewing each other as equals - in all ways. When you start thinking on terms of levels in a relationship, it's pretty much doomed.

At least when it does end you will be able to blame aforementioned "leagues" to make yourself feel better, never mind the fact that you don't value yourself as an equal to your bf, purely based on looks.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

No there are no such thing as leagues. Nobody is in your league or out of your league.. that's all BS.

What there are though are shallow people who only judge whether someone is relationship- v. friendship material based on looks obviously.

If there are "leagues" in your life, you've created them yourself.

To be honest, I don't think it's shallow to not be attracted to someone.

It's realistic, if you ask me, and a hard fact of life that there are people you are just not attracted to, no matter how nice or - yes, even - good looking they are. I don't go for especially good looking men, in fact the guys who generally catch my eye are usually nothing special, but just have a quality about them that makes them appeal to me. Sex appeal, maybe. And this guy, he just doesn't have it to me and God how I wish he did because he's an absolute gem and would treat me like a queen.

Maybe it is a self fulfilling prophecy, maybe it's a messed up way of thinking but it's only something I am thinking about recently as all the evidence from my social life / love life is pointing in that direction.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

To be honest, I don't think it's shallow to not be attracted to someone.

Apologies I wasn't very clear. Of course we are attracted to some people and not to others, what I had intended to say was that it is when you starting allocating people into 'leagues' that things become shallow i.e. Everything about a person could be perfect for you, but if you consider him to be in a lower league then you lose interest. It sounded to me from your OP that you had relegated him from the get go.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

Apologies I wasn't very clear. Of course we are attracted to some people and not to others, what I had intended to say was that it is when you starting allocating people into 'leagues' that things become shallow i.e. Everything about a person could be perfect for you, but if you consider him to be in a lower league then you lose interest. It sounded to me from your OP that you had relegated him from the get go.

OK, I'm not going to dismiss that as fast as I would like to, as you may have a point. I have never consciously decided that someone is in a 'lower league' to me, as I can't actually fathom what 'league' I would be in myself, if such a thing did exist.
All I know is last Saturday night I found myself disappointed, again, and upset, again at having to reject a very decent and lovely guy's advances (who works in the same, small building as me...awkward) because I knew that I didn't fancy him.
God, maybe I am more horribly shallow than I would like to believe and was thinking in leagues, but it certainly was not a conscious thought and I don't know what I would have been basing it on ???

I will admit to being choosy about guys, and I don't just randomly hook up in clubs and pubs as all that's behind me. I take my love life a bit more seriously now for whatever reason. Who knows, maybe I am getting fickle in my old age??


(I'm 24!!)

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

OK, I'm not going to dismiss that as fast as I would like to, as you may have a point. I have never consciously decided that someone is in a 'lower league' to me, as I can't actually fathom what 'league' I would be in myself, if such a thing did exist.
All I know is last Saturday night I found myself disappointed, again, and upset, again at having to reject a very decent and lovely guy's advances (who works in the same, small building as me...awkward) because I knew that I didn't fancy him.
God, maybe I am more horribly shallow than I would like to believe and was thinking in leagues, but it certainly was not a conscious thought and I don't know what I would have been basing it on ???

I will admit to being choosy about guys, and I don't just randomly hook up in clubs and pubs as all that's behind me. I take my love life a bit more seriously now for whatever reason. Who knows, maybe I am getting fickle in my old age??


(I'm 24!!)

Well, hang on... your thread title is asking how to get from one league to the other - meaning that you feel the guys you fancy are somehow "out of your league" and that's why you can't get them, yes? There's really no other way of reading the title as far as I can see.

So if you acknowledge that those men are 'out of your league' then of course you must have a league, and of course you're basing your judgements on that.

I think you should really, really ask yourself why you weren't attracted to the other bloke. Was he not physically attractive in your opinion? Was he too young, too short, not successful enough?

This is not to make you look shallow - we all make judgements, it's part of the relationship process - but really examine why you THINK that guy wasn't for you. You may come up with a list of reasons that you yourself deem to be silly.

I'm saying this because you can't change the behaviour of others - you can only control your own. There's no way to make the men you want want you. So you need to examine the choices you're making, whether they're subconscious or conscious.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes, there are leagues and let me tell you life is no picnic when you date out of it, so I wouldn't bother if I was you. Just accept yourself as you are and save yourself a lot of pain.

My BF is out of my league which I used to think was great...
Anyway, girls come on to him all the time right in front of me, its pig sickening to be honest.

I have to pretend not to notice as I dont want to come accross as a jealous cow. Which I am.

Its quite painful, feel like I am always delaying the inevitable and can never relax.

Girls are so obvious about it as well, they take one look at me and know I cant compete and openly try to come on to him. He is a gent about it but I dont know how much longer he will resist temptation.

Anyway, I would recomend you lower your sights and find a partner equal to you. Someone in your league is a lot easier to keep.

Totally agree with that. I had that problem with a guy in a band. It's not just about looks, it's about status as well. Watch how women behave around a doctor or rugby player. Often the high status person ends up with the good looking person so in that sense there are leagues.

Yes, there are, but to me they're a shallow, first impression type thing. I don't think you can be in a relationship with someone 'out of your league' - if you find each other attractive inside and out, that's that. Some of my boyfriend's friends tell him he's punching above his weight and it gets on my nerves. I'm as lucky to have him as he is to have me and all this 'league' nonsense does is give him insecurities where he doesn't need them.