Would you date a single dad / guy who has a child ?

allabouteve

Khannie wrote: »

Of course! That's totally natural. The problem (if you're dating) is, nobody likes being less than first priority. I don't think it's a competition as such, just something that you'd accept, but not like.

Actually I think its something I'd more than accept. If a man's kid wasn't his first priority, I'd definitely be put off him.

And I wouldn't see myself as second best, just differently important.

Dudess

stovelid wrote: »

It's quite ridiculous to say you don't want to be second-best in a relationship when somebody has a kid. A romantic relationship and a parental relationship are two completely different things and should not be in competition.

Looking after a child is an entirely non-negotiable relationship with far-reaching effects; a romantic relationship between adults can involve compromise and negotiation without damaging the relationship if they love each other enough.

stovelid wrote: »

I guess I just don't find the second-best analogy useful. It's not like there is a first and foremeost romantic rival. Not like somebody pining after a dead or ex-partner. It's just a responsibility. If you like someone enough, it's like coping with a long-distance relationship or other personal situation

allabouteve wrote: »

Actually I think its something I'd more than accept. If a man's kid wasn't his first priority, I'd definitely be put off him.

And I wouldn't see myself as second best, just differently important.

Exactly my sentiments

I was trying to put it in words but didn't do it the same justice as you guys...

Nah, I'd be amazed if there was any woman/man naive enough to believe they would be as much as, if not more than, a priority as their partner's child(ren) - don't think anyone would be unreasonable enough to expect a parent to put spending time with their new squeeze before spending it with their child(ren). And seeing as this thread is about fathers specifically, mothers are more likely to have the greater custodial rights so a separated/divorced father is going to want to spend every waking second he possibly can with his child - that would still be the case if he was finding himself falling in a big way for his new girlfriend (well it should be - I too would find it off-putting if it wasn't).
What's unappealing is lots of the stuff iguana said: getting together with him can't just happen whenever you feel like it, his holidays will be primarily built around how much can be spent with his kid(s) - a trip abroad with his girlfriend will come second (and rightly so), then there's the spectre of the ex if she's unreasonable... but as I said, if he was worth all of this, I'd be in there like a shot.

Khannie

allabouteve wrote: »

And I wouldn't see myself as second best, just differently important.

Note: This is not meant to sound condescending, so if you've experience at this and still feel that way then I humbly stfu.....

I think you might find the reality different. I know I did. It's not a competition. It's absolutely natural that you're #2 (as you said yourself, and I agree, there'd be something amiss if it weren't the case), but you're #2 and there's no question about it. It's a major difference from "normal" relationships and I and others have found it an unpleasant difference.

There are lots and lots of pluses. I'm not ruling them out at all, just saying that the implicit prioritisation isn't a nice one.

edit: Bah. Dudess just said it much better than me.

Splendour

This topic caught my eye and is rather interesting.
Would anyone date and subsequently marry a father of three if he didn't talk with two of his three children?

As a separated mother I would have no problem going out with a guy who had kids, but if he didn't wasn't a part of their lives I would steer well clear of him...

stovelid

allabouteve wrote: »

just differently important.

Perfect way of putting it.

Dudess wrote: »

What's unappealing is lots of the stuff iguana said: getting together with him can't just happen whenever you feel like it, his holidays will be primarily built around how much can be spent with his kid(s) - a trip abroad with his girlfriend will come second (and rightly so), then there's the spectre of the ex if she's unreasonable... but as I said, if he was worth all of this, I'd be in there like a shot.

Oh aye, don't get me wrong. My friend is separated from his wife and kids, and he has a girlfriend (10 years younger than him) and it's really hard. It's something you would have to really consider. I certainly would. If the person was worth it, you would have to try though.

The other issue that I would have a lot of sympathy is that you could get attached to the child (and vice-versa). It pretty hard to think that a long-term relationship could end and that you would have become close (and them to you) to a child that's not yours.

Acacia

Gyalist wrote: »

Why would you assume that a single father is looking for a mother for his child/children?

I don't assume that. That's why further down in my post I said, "sort-of step-mother'' , emphasis on 'sort of'. It would vary from person to person (or couple to couple) but I would imagine that if a single dad was to have a serious / long-term relationship, the woman in question would take on some sort of parental role towards his child/children. Obviously, it would not be the same as their dad or biological mother, but she would still be a parental figure of sorts.

In short, I do not assume that a single father is looking for a mother for his kids,as opposed to a partner, but realistically the woman would have to step into that sort of role somewhere down the line.

Dudess

stovelid wrote: »

Oh aye, don't get me wrong. My friend is separated from his wife and kids, and he has a girlfriend (10 years younger than him) and it's really hard.

Who do you think it's more difficult for? Him or her?

stovelid

Dudess wrote: »

Who do you think it's more difficult for? Him or her?

As in him or his girlfriend?

I only really hear his side, as I've never discussed it with her, but I assume it's pretty hard for a woman her age, with no kids of her own, to have to always work around that schedule. They're together a while now though.

RacoonQueen

stovelid wrote: »

As in him or his girlfriend?

I only really hear his side, as I've never discussed it with her, but I assume it's pretty hard for a woman her age, with no kids of her own, to have to always work around that schedule. They're together a while now though.

And is it difficult for him?

stovelid

RacoonQueen wrote: »

And is it difficult for him?

Of course it's difficult. His kids come first, but there is no use in denying that a lot isn't sacrificed in a new relationship. There is also the worry that your new partner might get weary of it all. The relationship with his ex isn't great either so when he did stuff like trying to get a more flexible arrangement - like the occasional Fri/Sat instead of Sat/Sun - it caused a lot of difficulty.

GirlInterrupted

stovelid wrote: »

The other issue that I would have a lot of sympathy is that you could get attached to the child (and vice-versa). It pretty hard to think that a long-term relationship could end and that you would have become close (and them to you) to a child that's not yours.

I was involved for two years with a single father who was considerably older than I. He had a little girl of four. Very quickly after falling for him, I fell for her.

What I didn't know, being so young at the time, was how big a responsibility it all was, or how easy it would be to love his child. The single biggest problem I had when we broke up was with missing her. He had full custody, her mother having walked away during the first few months of her life.

I never once resented, or felt it unfair that she come first. She was a child, and needed to be the most important thing in her fathers life. After we broke up I continued to see her, tapering off the frequency as more people entered her life, so that she had some continuity. We're still in touch now, not often in person, but she and I text a few times a week, (usually when she needs homework help!) She's nine now.

Thats what you might take on. If you see a single father, its not in isolation, its a package deal, and there's no easy walking away.

Amy33

I can't believe anybody wouldn't date a guy just because he has a child, that's just pathetic.

Hmm... As someone in a relationship with a man with a child I don't think the whole "coming second" thing is an accurate description. In my relationship, I want what's best for my bf, and his relationship with his child is a huge part of that. And he wants what's best for me, isn't that how relationships usually work?

I don't feel like if I "come second" and I certainly don't feel a man without a child would make me come "more" first if you get me? I can't really explain it...

Nevyn

trish990 wrote: »

I can't believe anybody wouldn't date a guy just because he has a child, that's just pathetic.

There are people who won't date a woman who has a kid as well /shrug.

I am but he isn't an active parent.
He talks on the phone and sends presents and maintenance every month but his child lives in a different country and its difficult to visit
She visits his parents every summer with her mother and we are actually going over tomorrow to spend the week with them
Its my first time meeting her and she's 4 but she doesn't speak english so I'm nervous

LivingDeadGirl

God no, not at my age, and probably never. I don't like kids at all and feel very uneasy around them.

Khannie

Deleted User wrote: »

Its my first time meeting her and she's 4 but she doesn't speak english so I'm nervous

4's a good age. Kids are open and not cynical at that age. You don't need to worry. Bring a chocolate bar and some crayons (or some other activity that you can engage in that doesn't require language) and you'll be in there.

Good luck.

sam34

trish990 wrote: »

I can't believe anybody wouldn't date a guy just because he has a child, that's just pathetic.

"just because he has a child" - you make it sound like a very trivial matter, akin to dark hair/moustache/tall/whatever.

the reality is that a child is a constant, huge commitment.
some people, for varieties of reasons, do not want to have children in their lives, and therefore screen potential partners with kids.

it is not a minor issue, and not one which can be easily overcome if one is vehemently against the idea of having kids in one's life.

Ickle Magoo

If I was on the dating scene again, I'd have two kids of my own so dating a Dad who wanted to hold an active role in his kids lives certainly wouldn't be an issue in theory, I imagine in reality it could throw up any number of issues - I don't think I'd be keen to enter into a relationship with a Dad who wanted little or nothing to do with his children, though.

Crumble Froo

yes, and i am. we met online, and he's about twice my age. im 21 now, his son is 16, 17 in a couple of months, but i was more nervous about meeting his son than meeting him for the first time.

i think it's great that he loves nad supports his kid as best as he can, and me and the kid get on really well too, which is such a relief.

i would find it a lot more difficult if the kid was younger, and lived with us. im too fond of my own space and getting drunk, which are things i would have to give up to a fair degree if i was living with younger kids. but i could do it, for the right man.

Acacia

trish990 wrote: »

I can't believe anybody wouldn't date a guy just because he has a child, that's just pathetic.

Wow, harsh. How is it pathetic? Different people want different things from partners and relationships , and sometimes a child isn't one of them. It doesn't make them 'pathetic'- they just mightn't be as comfortable with certain things (like having a child) as other people would be.

Jeez. :rolleyes:

silvervixen84

Up until recently, I went out with a guy who had a child, and even though i was as supportive of him and his situation as i could be, in the end it contributed to the demise of our relationship. I told him when we started going out that if there was a chance of a reconciliation with the mother, i didn't want to be the one keeping a family apart, but he insisted that wasn't the case.

I think that the attitude of the ex played a big part in things, as she made him miserable, using the child as a pawn, just because he was going out with me (i never met her face to face). Fast forward 2 1/2 years, she decided to let him see the child more regularly, he broke up with me (nearly a month ago), and i've a feeling he's back with the mother.

Would i go out with a guy who has a child again? Probably not.

NewFrockTuesday

I wouldnt date a guuy who had kids. Theyve already got a huge committment to carry and sometimes the child is used by an ex to whip the father with and vv. Too much hassle tbh. Id rather not have to contend with the shadows of ever present baggage. Just my own stand on the issue.

However, if he had just one child, then maybe, but a scatter of them...no way.

stovelid

trish990 wrote: »

I can't believe anybody wouldn't date a guy just because he has a child, that's just pathetic.

Hardly.

Some people just don't want to be involved with kids, which is completely their choice.

jane86

No, I just couldn't. I wouldn't be the biggest fan of children anyway but I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't cope well with it. Right now I like being spontaneous and having no resposibilities and he would have a schedule to keep to and be some what settled.

Peggypeg

Lux23 wrote: »

I am in a realtionship with a guy with a child and to be honest I am constantly being reminded that I will always come second, possibly even third as he will drop everything if the child's mother wants him for something. Its not easy. I don't think I would have stayed with him if I knew what I know now.

God I hear you loud and clear, I was in the exact same situation and it sounds to me like you're feeling EXACTLY how I felt, and at the risk of sounding like a b*tch, RUN!!! It really gets your self esteem down living in that situation, I broke off a 5 year relationship for that exact reason and my god I've never looked back, I'm now stupidly happy, I'm with a guy who worships the ground I walk on and who I know sees me and only me as his number 1. Stop and listen to yourself and if you're not happy then get out of there.

Incidentily I still see the child but not the father, the child's mother (fair play to her) rang me after the break-up and said that the daughter missed me so I go on play dates and the cinema with her regularly, which is lovely, coz she's a lovely kid.

Khannie

French23 wrote: »

and at the risk of sounding like a b*tch, RUN!!!

That's really bad advice. Everybodys situation is different. My wife was a single mum when I met her. We're happily married now. If I had run because she had a child I would have missed out on what I have now.

My advice: Examine the situation and decide from there. A child isn't all negative (at all!!!). If it's not right for you, then move on, but if it is, hell, why not? It works for some.

One other thing: Until your final relationship everyone has a 100% failure rate at relationships!

annabellee77

Depends.....

Wouldnt have a problem with a guy having a child in itself.... but if he had nothing to do with the child out of his own choice....well I wouldn't want to KNOW him, never mind date him.

Fugly

No, I honestly wouldn't.
I am in my early twenties, but it's not just an age thing. I just wouldn't be looking for that type of relationship, if that makes sense. I am not a kid person, I have young [under 10] relatives and I like being around them but it wouldn't be my opinion of a fun date. Also it's a huge commitment for him to have. I just wouldn't regardless of how active or not he was with them.

Weird way to put it but it would make him too much of a grown up. My dating range for men is 23-30, but I like them not commited "tied down".

bobblehead

I could ask how many men would date a woman who has a child? There is a sort of double standard here. I'd totally date a guy with kids. Preferably if the ex is nowhere around or she's a nice woman who's moved on with her life and mature enough to accept he has too. I love kids kids anyway and want to adopt (as I only have one now) when I'm more financially stable. If my honey had a kid it would mean more people to love! That being said, I'm lucky that he accepts mine as his own.