Daughter of adoptee

metaoblivia

Alright, so before I start I want to say that I know this is a sensitive subject and if my inquiry rubs anyone the wrong way, I apologize - it's not my intention.

My father was adopted when he was 6 months old. The couple that adopted him - my grandparents - well, there's no other way to put this, but they weren't great parents. My father grew up in a very violent and unstable home. His mother used a particularly cruel form of emotional blackmail on him, telling him that his birth parents didn't love him, and he should be grateful to her and his adoptive father for taking him on because he was unwanted, etc.. She was a very disturbed woman.
Anyway, my father, being a very sensitive man, took this to heart and although he never talks about it, I think it hurt him very much. He's an alcoholic and very withdrawn, with a tendency to become violent at times. I asked him once when I was little if he ever wanted to find his birth parents and he got very angry with me, slapped me, and told me that they never loved him so why should he bother.

The thing is, both my brother and I want to know who his birth parents - and our birth grandparents - were. In our country though, only the adoptee can request documentation, and we're both afraid to ask our father because bringing this issue up makes him very upset. We know that it's ultimately his business, but we feel that it's also partly our business too, in a smaller way. Both my brother and I have tried looking - together and separately. But we always get stuck because we're not the adoptee.

My grandmother died this past Christmas. It's been a few months, and my father has become a little bit more open with us, has started trying to cultivate more of a relationship with us.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice on whether or not you think it would be wise to approach him about it, and/or how to bring up the subject.
Thanks.

Vanbis

metaoblivia wrote: »

Alright, so before I start I want to say that I know this is a sensitive subject and if my inquiry rubs anyone the wrong way, I apologize - it's not my intention.

My father was adopted when he was 6 months old. The couple that adopted him - my grandparents - well, there's no other way to put this, but they weren't great parents. My father grew up in a very violent and unstable home. His mother used a particularly cruel form of emotional blackmail on him, telling him that his birth parents didn't love him, and he should be grateful to her and his adoptive father for taking him on because he was unwanted, etc.. She was a very disturbed woman.
Anyway, my father, being a very sensitive man, took this to heart and although he never talks about it, I think it hurt him very much. He's an alcoholic and very withdrawn, with a tendency to become violent at times. I asked him once when I was little if he ever wanted to find his birth parents and he got very angry with me, slapped me, and told me that they never loved him so why should he bother.

The thing is, both my brother and I want to know who his birth parents - and our birth grandparents - were. In our country though, only the adoptee can request documentation, and we're both afraid to ask our father because bringing this issue up makes him very upset. We know that it's ultimately his business, but we feel that it's also partly our business too, in a smaller way. Both my brother and I have tried looking - together and separately. But we always get stuck because we're not the adoptee.

My grandmother died this past Christmas. It's been a few months, and my father has become a little bit more open with us, has started trying to cultivate more of a relationship with us.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice on whether or not you think it would be wise to approach him about it, and/or how to bring up the subject.
Thanks.

Its a tough one to call but from what you have said your father seems to have no interest at all in talking about or locating his birth parents. I dont think he would take to kindly either to you and your brother trying to track them down ( my opinion ). Just for arguments sake , say you found his birth parents then what?

What does your mother think about this? I'm sure she would be the best person to talk to about this as i am sure she might know a little more on the subject.

Good luck whatever you decide in the end.

metaoblivia

Well, when I say found, I mean I think right now, we'd just like to know their names. Would we seek them out? I don't think either of us have thought that far in advance. It's kind of like, we're taking it one step at a time. I can't imagine meeting them because I don't even know if they're alive. That seems to be the kind of decision you would make once you knew their names and living status.
My parents are divorced, but my mother is supportive of us. She understands why we are curious. She's told us all she knows about my father's adoption, which includes an older sibling. But my grandmother told her conflicting stories, so she's not sure what the truth is.

Vanbis

metaoblivia wrote: »

Well, when I say found, I mean I think right now, we'd just like to know their names. Would we seek them out? I don't think either of us have thought that far in advance. It's kind of like, we're taking it one step at a time. I can't imagine meeting them because I don't even know if they're alive. That seems to be the kind of decision you would make once you knew their names and living status.
My parents are divorced, but my mother is supportive of us. She understands why we are curious. She's told us all she knows about my father's adoption, which includes an older sibling. But my grandmother told her conflicting stories, so she's not sure what the truth is.

If you really want to know more information then i would advise that you and your brother to approach your father again and ask if he is interested in trying to find them and tell him your reasons why you are both interested in searching for yourselfs. I can't see you getting any further information unless as you said before you are the adoptee. I would just advise you to be careful, in the sense that i am sure your father has thought about it many times searching for his birth parents but might have his own genuine reasons for not, which you both would have to respect at the end of day as i am sure you understand.

Ostrom

metaoblivia wrote: »

Alright, so before I start I want to say that I know this is a sensitive subject and if my inquiry rubs anyone the wrong way, I apologize - it's not my intention.

My father was adopted when he was 6 months old. The couple that adopted him - my grandparents - well, there's no other way to put this, but they weren't great parents. My father grew up in a very violent and unstable home. His mother used a particularly cruel form of emotional blackmail on him, telling him that his birth parents didn't love him, and he should be grateful to her and his adoptive father for taking him on because he was unwanted, etc.. She was a very disturbed woman.
Anyway, my father, being a very sensitive man, took this to heart and although he never talks about it, I think it hurt him very much. He's an alcoholic and very withdrawn, with a tendency to become violent at times. I asked him once when I was little if he ever wanted to find his birth parents and he got very angry with me, slapped me, and told me that they never loved him so why should he bother.

The thing is, both my brother and I want to know who his birth parents - and our birth grandparents - were. In our country though, only the adoptee can request documentation, and we're both afraid to ask our father because bringing this issue up makes him very upset. We know that it's ultimately his business, but we feel that it's also partly our business too, in a smaller way. Both my brother and I have tried looking - together and separately. But we always get stuck because we're not the adoptee.

My grandmother died this past Christmas. It's been a few months, and my father has become a little bit more open with us, has started trying to cultivate more of a relationship with us.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice on whether or not you think it would be wise to approach him about it, and/or how to bring up the subject.
Thanks.

I'm not sure what to say - it doesn't sound like a good idea from what you have described. From experience (I have been very fortunate), I know that many reunions, or searches do not end particularly well - people find out things, feelings and memories are brought up that were probably best left well alone.

There are ways to go about it yourself - but agencies will not release non-identifying information to you, which doesn't leave you with many options either way unfortunately.

What are your own thoughts?

Optimus485

perhaps, explain that you want to find out your genetic medical history. this can be important.

kittenkiller

I can see where you're coming from, but I'd stay well clear of this.

Your father was obviously very effected by his adpotion and has a very harsh opinion of his birth parents.
Unless you can get him to counselling first I'd leave it.
You'll hurt him far more by going behind his back and bringing up all those bad memories again.

Give your dad some time to get used to the idea and hopefully realise that his mother used the situation to manipulate him.

There's also an option that his mother wasn't lying and his birth parents want nothing to do with him and see the whole thing as a giant mistake that they'd rather forget about.
If your father was to find this out, it might be too much for him to handle.

The_Conductor

I agree with Kittenkiller. Its all well and good- you and your brother having an interest in who your birth grandparents were. Unfortunately the experience your father had is far from unusual. It wasn't long ago that the Catholic Church organised adoption drives- to 'rescue' unwanted children. Unmarried mothers were seen as evil in some respect, and their children should be 'rescued' by good religious couples willing to give them the upbringing they needed.

The comments from your father's adoptive mother- were harsh and cruel- and very probably untrue. They have however done lasting damage to him.

While I really can understand why you'd be interested in finding out about your grandparents- its a curiousity on the part of you and your brother- but its part of your father's identity- who he is, who his birthmother was, why was he given up, didn't she love him, are the things his adoptive mother said true, what if he invests a lot of time, emotion and energy in finding her only to discover she doesn't want to know him- I could go on and on.

What may seem like simple little questions to most people- are monumental to many adopted people. We don't know who we are, where we came from, who are birthfamilies are, why we were given up, what the reason our adoptive parents had for adopting us and not someone else, what might have been had we not been adopted, what might have been had we been adopted by someone else- the list goes on and on. These are all questions that are fundamental to who someone is- they together are part of what makes anyone whole. The problem with adoption- is regardless of how many questions you have, or how many you get answers to- very often you simply cannot get the answers that you need to make you whole as a person.

You really need to think this through a lot better- you could do a lot of harm to your father by your actions.

There are often group sessions for adoption and reunion people- Nora Gibbons in Barnados in Dublin used to organise a particularly good one- where different people affected by adoption could sit down and talk to each other in the presence of a moderator- and get a better feeling for how adoption had affected different people. I know its not exactly pertinent to your situation- but I do feel that you would learn a lot by getting permission to sit in on a few meetings.

Try to get an understanding of what your father must be feeling- it doesn't mean you have to appreciate how his feelings have developed as they have- but you do need to recognise that your actions will have a massive effect on him- and if you love him, as I am sure you do- you should try not to unintentionally create additional hurt.