How do you guys handle knowing people your SO has slept with?

LegacyUser

I have found out, through no effort of my own as I'd prefer not to know these things but it came out through a friend on a drunken night out, that my gf has slept with a few people I know in the past including some people in her circle of friends who she sees regularly still.

I'm mature enough to realize that we all have a past, it's not going anywhere and it makes no difference, which is why I didn't want to know, and I have a few girls in my past that she would know, the only difference is she doesn't know that I was with those girls since I never talk about the past with her. But for some reason it is playing on my mind a little.

It's just wrecking my head a little bit and I'm wondering how others here deal with knowing people that their bf or gf has slept with before? I know it's my problem not hers, but I don't want to let my own stupid insecurity breed and end up ruining a relationship for a stupid thing like this.


Thanks.

omahaid

A lot of people will tell you "How dare you!!" and "its none of your business!!!" and someone will probably say that your gf should dump you. But to be honest, yes, it will bother you, it would bother me. You'll just have to deal with it if you want the relationship to succeed, just remember that its you and her in the relationship not any of them and just concentrate on that.

coadyj

so what? she is with you now. It sounds to me like this is an insecurity on your behalf.

I went out with a girl before who I literally had to tell every single person I had ever slept with. I was a bit promiscuous in college where I met this girl so I would bump into some of these people all the time. She was jealous at first but in the end she knew I was with her and stopped caring.

You need to do the same, if this is an issue with you maybe you need to have a chat with her about who and how many, do it casualty though, perhaps after sex.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to let my own stupid insecurity breed and end up ruining a relationship for a stupid thing like this.

She was with them and it wasn't what she wanted. Now she's with you.

Not that you SHOULD compare, but if it helps, then think of it this way - who do you think should be "insecure" ? You or them ?

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd imagine its a sh*t feeling but its probably a much bigger deal in your head than you think.

Best off just not thinking about it. She's not going to stop hanging out with them. Personally I think its kind of odd, I haven't slept with anyone in my circle of friends and I think it would make a friendship pretty much impossible but I accept that might just be me.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to let my own stupid insecurity breed and end up ruining a relationship for a stupid thing like this.

coadyj wrote: »

so what? she is with you now. It sounds to me like this is an insecurity on your behalf.

Call Dr Phil, serious challenger on the loose.

OP, it will take time, and tact. Time to let yourself get used to the idea and fact that yes she is friends with people she slept with, and tact to try and not keep dredging it up, reminding yourself and her of the issue, and ratcheting up the tension each time you do.

Salome

My OH has never asked me how many there were before him. I haven't asked him for numbers either. I get the impression that my number is higher than his and perhaps he doesn't want to think about that.

All I know is - what ever happened in the past before him is in the past - it's not relevant to either of us.

Nevyn

Yes it can make a difference if they are people who are still in her/your social circles but you have to figure out why it makes a difference to you.

Is it that you have concerns due to her being unfaithful?
Is it jealously that they have slept with her?
Or it it due to the calibre of the people having gotten to know then somewhat that her having slept with them makes her lesser in your judgement?

Yep I have the same issue with my OH - I don't get the people who are all 'what does it matter?' I consider it normal to feel a bit weird about your boyfriend having slept with girls he still hangs around with all the time. I wish he hadn't but I also know there's nothing I can do about it.

Annie Bananie

For me its not an issue, so its really nothing to deal with tbh.
Its in our pasts and it cant be undone. And it made us the persons we are today Maybe its just me, but I dont think twice about it

Rb

To be honest, OP, if it's bothering you now it will probably always bother you, particularly when you're around said people.

I'd suggest dumping her.

damo86

Rb wrote: »

To be honest, OP, if it's bothering you now it will probably always bother you, particularly when you're around said people.

I'd suggest dumping her.

Bit harsh dont you think?

Was in the same situation a few weeks back, got back with a ex (long story, so not going into detail) but had to deal with the her friend that she slept with when we were apart.

Must admit it was hard, mind was in turmoil the week after hearing about him AND meeting him, but we know we love each other and I know she with me now.

How long has this been bothering you OP?

I know myself and I'm can be jealous and insecure at times, so I know how you feel.

If you see a future in her and you love her, those feelings will or you have to learn to let it overcome your jealousy.

Dunno, if it might help but see it as a ego boost, she picked you, she staying with you for many reason (well, hopefully the fact she loves you)?
The other people she slept with will never have what you have with her.

Maybe there is trust issues surrounding this, go with your gut feeling, if you can trust her and has she proven enough to you that you can trust her, but unfortunately that up to you to decide?

Rb

damo86 wrote: »

Bit harsh dont you think?

No.

If something is eating at you, either confront it or walk away from it, don't bottle it up inside hoping it goes away because it will rear its head when you least want it to.

damo86

Rb wrote: »

No.

If something is eating at you, either confront it or walk away from it, don't bottle it up inside hoping it goes away because it will rear its head when you least want it to.

I know what your getting at, reason I thought it was harsh was the fact you where suggesting the relationship is doomed. I know you must confront it, this something you have to confront to himself. Its the OP problem, not hers.

In my situation, yes I told her how I felt about the situation, she was understanding (also found it awkward on her side too), but reassured me shes with me now.

All the OP can do, is to sort himself out and weigh up if the relationship is worth it, if it isnt and doesn't see a future, dump and move on.

Not sure how she would react if the OP told her how he felt, if she has a problem with or she is understanding.

Still think theres is a hidden trust issue though.

LegacyUser

Rb wrote: »

No.

If something is eating at you, either confront it or walk away from it, don't bottle it up inside hoping it goes away because it will rear its head when you least want it to.

OP here again.

That's exactly what I am trying to do. that's why I started this thread. I know it's more common it's just my 1st exposure to this kind of situation and it's not usual for me as I don't stay close with people I've been with.

I am trying to confront it head on. Dumping her would be walking away. Confronting her would be pointless as it's MY problem stemming from MY insecurities and probably lack of maturity (like I say, I'm new to this "people who have been together being friends" thing seeing as it's not what I do but maturity is knowing that what you do isn't what everyone does) For example, my boss and his wife regularly socialise with another couple. Himself and the woman in the other couple went out with each other for 3 years.


I'm looking for advice on how to help myself cop on and grow up a bit and handle this like n emotionally developed and mature person would, not like a jealous teen, which is how I kind of feel now.

To clarify, there are 3 of them I know. 2 she is quite good friends with and would be in her group that she'd drink with every few weeks, and 1 is just a guy I also know. She's not in touch with him much. It just weirds me out being able to put a face to the previous guys?

LegacyUser

ohh such a yukk situation. I know how u feel. Just not even knowing the people but knowing the number of sexual partners you bf/gf has had is head wreaking. As you and others said its all in the past. The only advise I can give you is if you care about her enough and want to continue the relationship you have to try and put it to bed in your mind. I would actually say it to her like 'I know it sounds stupid but it actually makes me uncomfortable to think that you slept with 'mark' or 'peter' and I have to bump into them now and then and think of you two together' If shes an understanding girl she'l say something comforting in response like 'im sorry you feel that way but I love you' or something like that and it may help you to move on

LegacyUser

I'm just going to give my experience with something similar and hope it helps

My GF has been with a few of her friends. Normally she lets me know before I meet them but occasionally it comes up after I've met them. How I deal with it is partly by trusting and knowing by GF, but also (and especially at the start of our relationship) looking at how she interacts with the guys she has slept with and comparing it with how she interacts with me.

I've always seen a greater bond between me and her that between her and the other guy. Plus most of the time, I'll actually think the guy is sound and will think that because of that I can understand why my GF would have potentially liked the guy, but will also see that we are better matched that her and the old guy.

But in the end it essentially comes down to trust. I trust that my GF broke up with them for a reason and is with me for because she loves and prefers me. You'll have to come to the same conclusion to accept this.