Our Dog has just died, our 3.5yr old is devastated...we told him the truth

shaz00

Our dog of 8 years had to be put down yesterday due to cancer, he was the most lovable and adorable old dog, so good with our kids. Our son who is 3.5yrs adored him. he knew he was sick lately and had went to the vet with his dad a few times in the last week, we were told however it wasn't a hip injury but cancer and he had to be put down. Anyway we decided to tell our son the truth that he had died, and we let him see him and we buried him. Now i completly regretting what we done, i wish i had of just told him he ran away becos he is completley devastated.

He is full of questions, which is always is about everything, so clever, can't hide anything from him, and im answering as best and as simply as i can - such as how is god gonna take him to heaven, what did he die, why won't i see him again, whose gonna pet him now, will chyna (our other dog) die too etc.......... I have a constant lump in my throat for the past two days, 1 becos for a long time ceaser (d dog in question) was our baby, till the real babies came along, and 2 becos my son shouldn't be having all these questions in his head at his age, or should he.

Oh i just feel so guilty for telling him the truth, would it have been best to lie and say he ran away????

mikemac

Saying he ran away is just as bad.

The child will assume the dog wasn't wanted and had to leave.
And maybe the child will blame themselves. Or the last person they saw giving out to the dog

I don't know the answer to your question, but saying the dog ran away isn't the answer

tabbywith

hi shaz00. i think there is no point regretting. you told him the truth, and now, you just have to trust and help him get through this. my first dog died when i was eight and i was devastated. my dad said he would bury her, and did, and showed me where, and it hurt a lot. i didn't have another dog till i was sixteen! but it helped me realize the cycle of life exists and spares no-one.
but when i watched summit (my other dog) have her puppies, and watched them go from little snivelling balls of fur to great big friendly dogs, it made it all worthwhile. and i love my dad more for having told me the truth.

rosepetal

I think you did the right thing. I know its devastating to lose a pet and your child is heartbroken but unfortunately its also a part of life. You now need to show your child that its ok to feel sad and grieve, talk about the pet, answer all his questions and let him see how you feel too. How you help your child handle this could well influence how they deal with grief and loss later on. Lying would not have been the answer, imagine how betrayed he would have felt if he found out the truth when he was older. Would he thank you?, I dont think so.

Corb

You did the right thing by telling him the truth. Tell him that there's a doggie heaven and if he wants to talk to ceasar he still can. We had the same problem with my nephew a few years ago, the doggie heaven thing seemed to calm him a lot and he often talked to his little buddy in the sky. Don't worry, you were right not to say he ran away - that would be a lot worse, he'd want you to go out looking for him, he'd always be asking when was he coming back etc. He'll be fine don't worry, all children come to this realisation at some stage. It's a hard one but it will be fine.

shaz00

Hi All,

Thank u so much for all your replies. Have to say they made me feel alot better and reassured me dat i made the right decision. As Tabbywith mentioned we did show him where he was buried and god love him he put a picture and a flower in with him and he sobbed his little heart out. He was ok yesterday we distracted him for the day and he didn't mention him at all, and just as he was about to go to sleep he asked can ceaser see me through the roof from heaven?? ............. my heart sank. But i feel now a day later dat we did do the right thing and he seems to understand a little bit better now.

Thank you again for your support.

username123

Op you definitely did the right thing to tell the truth. Losing pets in childhood helps kids get to grips with and understand the notion of death of people. Death is a natural part of life. I lost many pets over my childhood, 3 dogs, 2 rabbits, a hamster, many goldfish - it never gets any easier to lose a much loved pet, but it would have been worse to be told one had run away or disappeared because that gives no closure.

I think you handled it fantastically well, your child will deal with it in his own way over the coming days/weeks. The only advice I can give from here on in is to periodically talk about the dog and remember the good times so your child doesnt have negative associations with the thoughts of the dog.

shaz00

username123 wrote: »

Op you definitely did the right thing to tell the truth. Losing pets in childhood helps kids get to grips with and understand the notion of death of people. Death is a natural part of life. I lost many pets over my childhood, 3 dogs, 2 rabbits, a hamster, many goldfish - it never gets any easier to lose a much loved pet, but it would have been worse to be told one had run away or disappeared because that gives no closure.

hahaha gosh we were the same, they'd find many bones if our back garden was every to be dug up I really feel now dat i did do the right thing, tho i still get a lump everytime he asks me a question about him.

I think you handled it fantastically well, your child will deal with it in his own way over the coming days/weeks. The only advice I can give from here on in is to periodically talk about the dog and remember the good times so your child doesnt have negative associations with the thoughts of the dog.

Really appreciate ur advise and ill have to keep talking about him, I had kinda thought i shouldn't mention him but ur right I can't have him thinking its not ok to talk about him. We put some flowers on his grave this evening and he was happy doing dat said he was playing today and he was waving to him through the clouds

Everyone is asking now when are u gettin him another dog? Our thoughts are that that shouldnt be for a few months - any thoughts on dat. I don't want to replace Ceaser but don't want him to loose that bond he had or know how to interact with another dog. our other pet, is a basset hound and while i love her she's as thick as two planks not a dog kids can play with

iguana

shaz00 wrote: »

Everyone is asking now when are u gettin him another dog? Our thoughts are that that shouldnt be for a few months - any thoughts on dat. I don't want to replace Ceaser but don't want him to loose that bond he had or know how to interact with another dog. our other pet, is a basset hound and while i love her she's as thick as two planks not a dog kids can play with

I also think you did the right thing in telling your child the truth about the dog. As for when you get another dog, I'd suggest not rushing to get a new dog, but keep an eye on different rescue/breeder websites and when a dog that you think is right for you becomes available then consider it. No matter when you get a new dog, next year or tomorrow, it won't replace Ceaser, and that's not what you'd be be trying to do. It will be a new dog in it's own right but it won't mean you love Ceaser any less.

username123

shaz00 wrote: »

Really appreciate ur advise and ill have to keep talking about him, I had kinda thought i shouldn't mention him but ur right I can't have him thinking its not ok to talk about him. We put some flowers on his grave this evening and he was happy doing dat said he was playing today and he was waving to him through the clouds

Everyone is asking now when are u gettin him another dog? Our thoughts are that that shouldnt be for a few months - any thoughts on dat. I don't want to replace Ceaser but don't want him to loose that bond he had or know how to interact with another dog. our other pet, is a basset hound and while i love her she's as thick as two planks not a dog kids can play with

Thats so nice about the flowers on the grave!! Just from personal experience I think it was best for me that we always talked about past pets and remembered the funny stuff and that it wasnt a taboo subject. It helped get past the sad feelings of loss to have the good memories to share you know?

Id agree with Iguana, dont rush into getting a new dog, give it a while, wait until you feel the time is right, allow the grieving process to happen and then have a think about it. At your sons age a few months or a year wouldnt matter in his ability to interact with animals (especially if there is another dog in the house as it is). And when the time is right then go for it. You wont be replacing Ceaser, he will always have his own place in everyones hearts.

Ask your son for his thoughts on a new dog as well, start it out as a 'someday we will probably get another dog, what do you think?' and be clear that you cant replace Ceaser, but that now there is room in the family to have another dog and see what he thinks about it.

Above all its best to be open with children about pets, loss of pets and thoughts of new pets - it teaches them to be responsible pet owners themselves someday, getting him involved in all aspects of the process is healthy.

You sound like youre doing brilliant about it all anyway.

Victor

While you have another dog, in due course, might the idea of taking on a puppy be good? Puppies need a little bit of care and it might take the focus off death, but I don't think you should jump into it straight away.

Taltos

We were always told as kids when our dogs died.
Yes it was tough - but alot depends on how you handle it as a parent. From the sounds of things you are doing an outstanding job.

As to getting another pet - our folks used to wait a few months. Thinking back on it - the idea was eased in so that by the time they brought home the pup we were all really excited.
Part of it though was for us to be responsible for the pet - needing to walk it etc.
In fairness though - they did it in a way that we ended up pestering them... They "pretended" that it was too soon - but we pestered and pestered to get our own way.... think you see where I am going here. Took me years but eventually figured that my wiley folks used the old reverse physcology chestnut....

Best of luck and again - great job.

edit - the book on dog breeds used to be left out for us to find....

Orion

shaz00 wrote: »

Oh i just feel so guilty for telling him the truth, would it have been best to lie and say he ran away????

You did the right thing. We had a cat that the girls loved and one morning I got a phone call from a guy who'd found her dead on his doorstep (eaten poison it appeared). We told our daughters that she'd got lost and was probably with some other family now. That was over a year ago and we still get tearful "I miss Fozzy" complaints. Your son at least got closure and he'll get over it. My kids didn't - that was our mistake.

krankykitty

You definitely did the right thing, it will help your son to have a greater understanding of death, loss and grief that will help him in later life.

My cat got killed by scumbags when I was a child, but my parents told me that she had ran away. I wondered for ages was it because the cat didn't like me, and I was so annoyed at being lied to when I pieced it together when I was older.

CormacKidsTunes

shaz00 wrote: »

my son shouldn't be having all these questions in his head at his age, or should he

Of course he should! If he didn't have any questions it'd be damn strange

Dunno about the doggie heaven thing though - I'm a non-believer myself, but surely even believers here don't actually think animals go to heaven. Do you?

krankykitty

IMO, if it does exist, they're far more deserving of a place than most humans.