Couple of Quickies

Diddy Kong

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

cianl1

Diddy Kong wrote: »

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

HaHa! Those two were the best. Brilliant, hadn't heard them before, made my day.:D

the_syco

When a women wants a mans opinion, she'll give it to him... :P

Dlite

Diddy Kong wrote: »

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Classic

squidgey

These are mostly from the 1970's - not remotely funny and not written by you.

patmac

squidgey wrote: »

These are mostly from the 1970's - not remotely funny and not written by you.

As opposed to all the wonderful, original, funny and humerous jokes that you've posted, that no-one can find.

xzanti

squidgey wrote: »

These are mostly from the 1970's - not remotely funny and not written by you.

I found them funny, and I'm a girl, lighten up ffs..

Also, I doubt anyone who posts on here actually makes up their own jokes, they're generally passed on verbally or by email etc...

Diddy Kong

squidgey wrote: »

These are mostly from the 1970's - not remotely funny and not written by you.

And where did I claim that they were written by me? If you dont find them funny thats your opinion but as per the rules you are supposed to use the rating system!!

Where are the jokes that you have written so we can all get some perspective that you are the greatest joke creator of all time. :D

Hagar

Squidgey - Read the Charter before posting on this forum again please - Hagar

Dlite

squidgey wrote: »

These are mostly from the 1970's - not remotely funny and not written by you.

I'm a woman and I found these funny.

A man once told me... old jokes are the best

squidgey

Diddy Kong wrote: »

And where did I claim that they were written by me? If you dont find them funny thats your opinion but as per the rules you are supposed to use the rating system!!

Where are the jokes that you have written so we can all get some perspective that you are the greatest joke creator of all time. :D

Sorry, it just annoys me when people cut and paste jokes and pass them around - especially when they aren't very funny and I've heard them numerous times. I never claimed to be the greatest joke creator of all time but you are welcome to come to one of my gigs if you're interested in jokes/comedy.

squidgey

Hagar wrote: »

Squidgey - Read the Charter before posting on this forum again please - Hagar

Apologies Mod.

Dlite

Dlite wrote: »

I'm a woman and I found these funny.

A man once told me... old jokes are the best

He's right ya know:D

Hagar

squidgey wrote: »

Sorry, it just annoys me when people cut and paste jokes and pass them around - especially when they aren't very funny and I've heard them numerous times. I never claimed to be the greatest joke creator of all time but you are welcome to come to one of my gigs if you're interested in jokes/comedy.

If you are a genuine comedian post any upcoming gigs in the Stand Up Comedy sub forum, I'm sure people would go along to support you. In the meantime don't be too hard on us well-meaning amateurs. We are easily amused and what's the harm in that?

Some of the older jokes are brand new to new posters, why spoil their fun?

FruitLover

Dlite wrote: »

A man once told me... old jokes are the best

Here's a pretty old one:

Puer: Amasne me ?
Puella: Bene scis, me te amare !
Puer: Quam diu me amabis ?
Puella: In perpetuum.
Puer: Quam diu in perpetuum est ?
Puella: Circa hebdomas...

squidgey

Hagar wrote: »

If you are a genuine comedian post any upcoming gigs in the Stand Up Comedy sub forum, I'm sure people would go along to support you. In the meantime don't be too hard on us well-meaning amateurs. We are easily amused and what's the harm in that?

Some of the older jokes are brand new to new posters, why spoil their fun?

But it's as if these jokes were posted in an attempt to take some form of credit for sharing them with people - without any credit being given to the original comic who created them. As if they are some kind of reflection on whether or not the OP is funny or not. I could easily start banging off posts with some Mitch Hedberg classics that many people haven't heard before, but I'd rather post something like X comedian is really good, u should check out some of their clips on youtube.
If I want to take satisfaction in making people laugh [which I do], then I can only truly be satisfied if that is from something which I have created. Not by cutting and pasting an email I recieved or googling "sexist jokes".

Hagar

This is gone way off topic.

Squidgey feel free to start a thread in the vein and we can discuss it as a topic. It's not fair on the OP to do it like this.