Parent Nightmares

TargetWidow

Anyone else here ever had bad nightmares about various forms of harm befalling their child in the night? My DD is 14.5 months and is still in her cot beside us in our room. The nightmares have been going on since we brought her home maybe once a month and seem to flare up quite badly whenever she is going through a developmental leap. At the moment its two or three nights a week. I'm waking up drenched in sweat, often on the bedroom floor clutching the duvet/pillow/husband convinced that its the baby and that I have just caught her before she has hit the floor or scrabbling around in the gap between the bed and the cot on one side or the bed and the bedside locker on the other convinced she has fallen down there. My hubby and I thought it was a bit funny in the beginning and didn't take it too seriously. I don't have any concerns for her actual safety, so I cant figure out why I am having these nightmares. I have never had her in the bed next to me except for the night she was born when a nurse made me do it to facilitate breastfeeding and it freaked me out because I hadn't slept in about 42 hours at that stage and was so afraid of dropping her or rolling over onto her that I didn't sleep that night either. Hubby is of the opinion that if a nightmare is recurrent and wakes you up repeatedly that there is something that needs looking into. That and he is fed up of being manhandled in the night for the wrong reasons! It takes about 20 minutes for me to wake up properly, convince myself that she IS in her cot safe and sound and not under the bed or anywhere else, get my heart-rate down, change my PJs and get back to sleep. I'm covered in bruises and am afraid Im gonna break a bone! I actually woke up one night perched on top of my (small) bedside locker!:rolleyes:

Have casually mentioned it to my GP who recommended counselling. I want a quick fix instead. Hubby is getting me one of those toddler bed-rail things if I dont get it sorted soon!

Please tell me that I'm not mad. Please say that this is as common as grass and goes away when they are 15mths old!:o

Deliverance

TargetWidow wrote: »

Anyone else here ever had bad nightmares about various forms of harm befalling their child in the night? My DD is 14.5 months and is still in her cot beside us in our room. The nightmares have been going on since we brought her home maybe once a month and seem to flare up quite badly whenever she is going through a developmental leap. At the moment its two or three nights a week. I'm waking up drenched in sweat, often on the bedroom floor clutching the duvet/pillow/husband convinced that its the baby and that I have just caught her before she has hit the floor or scrabbling around in the gap between the bed and the cot on one side or the bed and the bedside locker on the other convinced she has fallen down there. My hubby and I thought it was a bit funny in the beginning and didn't take it too seriously. I dont have any concerns for her actual safety, so I cant figure out why I am having these nightmares. Hubby is of the opinion that if a nightmare is recurrent and wakes you up repeatedly that there is something that needs looking into. That and he is fed up of being manhandled in the night for the wrong reasons! It takes about 20 minutes for me to wake up properly, convince myself that she IS in her cot safe and sound and not under the bed or anywhere else, get my heart-rate down, change my PJs and get back to sleep. I'm covered in bruises and am afraid Im gonna break a bone! I actually woke up one night perched on top of my (small) bedside locker!:rolleyes:

Have casually mentioned it to my GP who recommended counselling. I want a quick fix instead. Hubby is getting me one of those toddler bed-rail things if I dont get it sorted soon!

Please tell me that I'm not mad. Please say that this is as common as grass and goes away when they are 15mths old!:o

I don't think that your mad at all. I imagined my child being killed in all sorts of ways and I was disturbed by it for awhile. Eventually I kind of realized and do think that it is an instinct that is awakened in a parent once they have kids.

As a none parent for awhile I got on great with children and played with them whilst the parents in some cases fretted and worried by the rough play, I thought they were nuts and silly, overprotective etc.

Once I had my own it changed, everything became dangerous and I started to imagine all sorts of accidents and consequent deaths of my little one. I personally think that is an instinct that is triggered once one has a child.

In your case though OP it sounds like you possibly have a sleep disorder. My Aunt slept walked and did harm to others around her, She pushed her sister down the stairs after calling her out to push an imaginary wardrobe down the stairs, she ended up pushing the aunt down the stairs.

Plus my sister slept walked and scared the life out of me one evening when she slept walked up to me and announced that her / our mum was a demon with large gnashing teeth she scared me witless because she was asleep at the time, I didn't understand this at the time which is what made it so scary for me.

You should check your family history on this issue and definitely get some help to understand it more. From what I see you have a combo of sleep disorder combined with a natural instinct of protection.

Ps I have had one or two incidences of waking up myself in a 'sleep waking' state It was v.strange to say the least and it is v.rare. On that point I think it could be genetic. So I would say your not nuts at all. So I digress by saying seek help on this, it is totally natural.

Crea

OP - i'm sorry to say that you sound very anxious which I think is normal for the first few months but at 14.5 mths it sounds like your doc is right and you may need to talk to someone. Trust me if you do it'll take alot less time than another 14.5mths.
Good luck - i know it's tough.

Nevyn

all parents have worried and fears but to be honest what you have described seem a bit extreme and that leve of anxiety can't be good for you, please heed your dr.

Ludo

Can't see how there would be a "quick fix" for something like this to be honest. I would also take your GPs advice. It is nothing to be embarrassed about and anyway no one need know if that is what you are worried about.

Have you tried moving your child out into a room of its own and see if that helps? I can't really see how this would help but you never know.

TargetWidow

I have been dawdling about doing up her room for over 6months now and it's all done bar two coats of paint. In reality I can say that I have no fear of her going into her own room. I simply worry that I will then take to wandering the hallways looking for her. Its so weird for me because I'm very relaxed about her these days and am really enjoying her so much. She is great. Goes to bed at 7 on her own and is asleep by herself within minutes. She doesn't stir in the night at all (despite my antics in the bed next to her!) and has to be woken most mornings at 7am. She eats like a horse and eats everything we put in front of her. She plays contentedly alone and with others. She has never cried when we leave her at creche and never seems to suffer any separation anxiety.

I suffered from night terrors and sleepwalking so severely as a child that I was shipped off to a child trick-cyclist. After two years they eventually got it out of me that a nun had been tying me to a chair with hairy twine and beating me in Junior Infants and that the night terrors and sleepwalking were related to this. My parents went to the school with this info whereupon the school arranged for the nun's name to be changed and shipped her off to a new school still "teaching" junior infants. Nothing else happened. So in some way I know that I'm reverting to an old coping skill when a bit traumatised.

Last week I sent her to the doc with my hubby (clueless sometimes) with a tummy bug I wanted checked out because it was going on over a week and she was off her food. I had previously told him I was thinking over the MMR and that I would let him know whatever I decided. While my hubby had her there for the tummy bug the doc decided to give her the MMR. I wasn't the happiest bunny when I was told. I felt like the doc had bypassed me. I no longer trust him. I spent two days watching her for signs of Autism! Thats when the rate of these nightmares suddenly jumped up.

Deliverance

Shocking and brave stuff there Target. You should learn to trust your hubby and your GP. As for the MMR autism thing? Learn by this experience. Your child doesn't have autism despite your concerns. That shows that your wrong in your concerns in that respect. I.e. sit back and work out your concerns against your anxieties, prove these anxieties wrong. Then adress your other anxities wrong one by one.

Each and every anxiety that you have... make a note of them, then over time prove these anxieties wrong for yourself in your own time. Eventually you might realise that the anxietys that you clearly have, will be dissapated.

In a way I feel that you have to learn about trust. It seems that so far in your life you have 'learned' mistrust from folks. Tis about time that you learn trust, hopefully the folks in your life now are giving you the trust that you need.

To be honest it sounds like they care about you a lot. Hubby GP etc. Your lucky to have them. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Omg OP, I have the very same dreams.
Even the way you man-handle hubby and look for her in the gap between bed and cot, I swear I could have wrote that !!
I've even sat up in the bed once and pointed at the corner of the room, shouting ' the baby's on the floor, the baby's on the floor'

Mad stuff, and I get fierce slagging off himself for it.

My little man is 13 .5 months and has always slept in his cot beside our bed. I've only had him in our bed twice at night because he had a temp and was very clingy. I didnt sleep a wink on either night for fear of rollin over him, plus he dig his little hands into me so not comfortable.

I'd consider myself a very relaxed mammy, and have had an easy ride of it. He's the same as yours, goes down by himself every night and doesnt stir at all till half seven. Great feeder from the get go, and rarely cries, and if he does it's not for long.

I cant explain these dreams, I think perhaps, though I may seem to others and myself to be a chilled out person, that I have fears deep inside me about not being able to protect him, and that these fears come out at night.
Also when we first brought him home I woke up on the hour every hour and checked that he was still breathing. Dont do this anymore so maybe this is why I have these dreams.

We will be moving soon and the little man will be going into his own room. Tbh I am a little anxious about this, even trying to kid myself into thinking that he might be better off staying in our room for the first couple of months till he's used to the house....

I dunno what to advise you, as I'm in the same boat. I'm just hoping the crazy dreams will pass as he gets older.

Good luck.

TargetWidow

Chicago Sun-Times (IL)

September 12, 2007 [SIZE=+1]
Many moms suffer similar nightmare[/SIZE]
'It was like I lost the baby. I was convinced he was in the bed somewhere'
Author: Andrew Herrmann; The Chicago Sun-Times
"To 4 a.m. feedings, dawn patrol diaper changes and general kid crankiness, add another middle-of-the-night "joy" of motherhood for new moms: baby-related nightmares -- specifically, imagined horrors that the infant is lost somewhere in her bed.A new study in the west suburban Westchester-based medical journal Sleep found almost three out of four new mothers suffer from infant-in-distress nightmares. Some 57 percent have the kind that lead researcher Tore Nielsen dubs BIB -- Baby in Bed. One woman said she suffered from BIB nightmares -- scrambling through the sheets looking for her infant -- a dozen times in 20 days. Nielsen, of the Hopital du Sacre-Coeur in Montreal, says the nightmares are a normal result of the pressures of new responsibilities, lack of sleep and hormonal changes. Jessica Ashley of the Northwest Side Old Irving Park neighborhood, said she had BIB for 18 months to two years after her son Ethan was born. "It was like I lost the baby. I was convinced he was in the bed somewhere," said Ashley, 35, a free-lance writer who blogs for Chicago Moms Blog. Ashley discovered her grandmother also had BIB for 20 years. While her nightmares have stopped -- her son is now 3 years old -- she wonders if BIB might not be hereditary. Catherine McNiel, 30, is a Glendale Heights mother who battled BIB. "I just chalked it up to the constant vigilance that drives mothers -- from the minute you get pregnant, everything is pointed at caring for this child. Even when you're asleep your subconscious is still working," she said. 'SURVIVAL MECHANISMS' Rosalind Cartwright, a dream researcher with the Sleep Disorders Center at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, says the nightmares may stem from the question, "Am I going to be an adequate mother?" Such bad dreams can be "survival mechanisms" because they "help diffuse the anxiety for you," said Cartwright, who was not involved in the Canadian study. In this case, discovering that the baby is not tangled in the covers reassures mothers that their worst nightmares are not real, said Cartwright."


Thats me! So it's called BIB. And it goes away around their 21st sometimes! Yay!:eek:

This is the link to the actual piece of research itself...
http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1978400

TargetWidow

An update and a bump. I decided since I was ok and no danger to any of us to get out the paintbrushes and paint DDs room so that she can finally move into her own space. I spent two weeks doing it up and since the first day I started painting I haven't had a BIB nightmare! She is still in our room but now she is spending time in her own room every day. She is getting dressed and undressed and we are doing nappy changes and playtime in there and she loves the room. Tomorrow she will have her first daytime nap there and hopefully it will go well. I'll stick with daytime naps and bring more and more of the bedtime routine in there bit by bit over the next two weeks or so and then I'll put her in there by night. I will miss her though! I think I just needed to let her go in my head and let her grow up a little bit.:D

January

It's about time TargetWidow

Glad to hear you haven't had a nightmare in a while!