How to get mean people to pay their share

LegacyUser

I lost it completely with my child's father, in front of him .re:late payment of pre-school fees.Fecked and blinded him from a dizzy height.Then my child had to leave for the weekend with that atmosphere between us
I have had it with his excuses as to why he doesn't pay up on time-money always 2-4 wks late since last Sept.(lost his wallet,forgot etc,)
School books and Uniform costs are imminent and I dread to think how I am going to get 1/2 that money from him without all the negativity of screaming like fishwife in front of the child. I just can't afford the wait.
This man is just mean-it's a personality trait rather than anything else .I know I will get a result because I made big deal but is there any other way of doing this?

Am trying to avoid court -Maintenance set by DSW after child was born so that is paid by DD-It's all the other things that he can't be forced to pay without going to court that really hurt financially.We had agreed through mediation than he would pay pre-school fees but we never worked out the detail of when it should be paid ie. on time.How to get mean people to pay their share without the blowout-that is the question?

MariMel

there are a number of issues i feel to be dealt with here......

firstly.... dealings with issues like this however hard for us as parents should NEVER be dealt with in front of or within earshot of the child. Putting them in such an unpleasant and potentially upsetting situation is far from good for any child.

secondly however.......if you have both been able to be mature enough to go down the mediation route then therein lies your next step. through mediation a plan could been drawn up stating the time frame for those added expenses your childs other parent is to pay.

My OH decided this year that he would buy the books for his children for school an insisted that he get the book list as they finsihed up for the summer. This was a preferable thing to what happened with his ex last year when she bought everything over a few weeks then said.....' i bought all this and i want half of it now!!!!!'...giving no notice to my OH to have the money there adn then for her.

OP...maybe your ex can come up with an agreement with the preschool facility directly to pay every other week or month, taking you out of the loop altogether for those times you yourself feel unable to get the money from him.


I myself deal with an awkward other parent, month after month for the past 18months chasing and at times almost begging for my sons maintenance, eventhough it is a court order. (my son knows none of this and never will) Even on a number of occasions offering to reduce the weekly amount by 50% when work became not as frequent for him.
I have been made ill and shed quite a few tears over this person.....til recently......2 things helped me to stop.....however tight my budget is and however hard things are......i will scarifice myself for my sons wellbeing.
My sons father has also just been sentenced to 3 months for ignoring a court order to pay arrears. I never ever wanted things to go this far and was devastated when it happened. But I have been fair and have learned to accept that this situation is not of my making. If i am honest i would rather have a measley contribution every month than the unbearable pain of waiting and waiting for money that never arrives....unlike the OP who does eventually get the money. I am by no means rich......I am a single parent on OFP so i coudl definitely use the money.....but i can definitely live better without the hassle.

OP be strong.....however tough it is for you please try and remain calm in front of your child. Arrange to meet and talk with your child father on neutral ground, discuss calmy how frustrated you are with the situation and say that you would like it if the two of you could come up with a solution. Ask him if he has an ideas and have 2-3 or your own.
Mediation could again help if you cant come up with a plan between the two of you. Good luck.

Deliverance

Unregistered wrote: »

I lost it completely with my child's father, in front of him .re:late payment of pre-school fees.Fecked and blinded him from a dizzy height.Then my child had to leave for the weekend with that atmosphere between us
I have had it with his excuses as to why he doesn't pay up on time-money always 2-4 wks late since last Sept.(lost his wallet,forgot etc,)
School books and Uniform costs are imminent and I dread to think how I am going to get 1/2 that money from him without all the negativity of screaming like fishwife in front of the child. I just can't afford the wait.
This man is just mean-it's a personality trait rather than anything else .I know I will get a result because I made big deal but is there any other way of doing this?

Am trying to avoid court -Maintenance set by DSW after child was born so that is paid by DD-It's all the other things that he can't be forced to pay without going to court that really hurt financially.We had agreed through mediation than he would pay pre-school fees but we never worked out the detail of when it should be paid ie. on time.How to get mean people to pay their share without the blowout-that is the question?

Difficult situation to say the least. As a man myself I kind of understand your ex partners situation. A screaming 'mad' person demanding money (this is the way you put it across) only provokes a fight for the end deal or negotiation of said deserved cash. Although (as you said) this agressive tactic works, it is really not a great way to go about 'getting the cash' or to put it a better way 'money for the childs welfare'.

From the fathers point of view: Many seperated fathers feel like cash machines, I think that is a justified opinion in a way, that is unless they are gently introduced towards the expenses that are involved in child rearing and schooling.

Many mothers take this misunderstood attitude for granted by having the father less involved in the childs life by the seperated circumstances.I.e. Many fathers feel left outside of their childs life by being 'atm machines' for want of a better description.

It is well worthy to sit with the father and talk about said expenses and justify them to the fella 'gently', privately, and go from there. A seperated father as I previously said will and does feel outside the equation and will want to feel that their cash is being used to benefit the child.

More importantly a good Father will and does want more involvement with the child. It is not about the cash really, but at the same time a lack of communication can so easily make it seem like it is.

It might sound ridiculous to the Mother of the child that this is the case I.e. money, but when you look at it from all angles the Father has no control over the childs upbringing other than a financial thing. Tis not suprising that a 'good Father' will use whatever he can to try to have some control back (despite how foolish it might seem to be).

It sounds like you guys need a good mediator, you should look into that. For the sake of your kid (if you guys cant work this situation out) then a mediator is a good option.

mariaalice

There's a simple solution to the school book/uniform situation...if your boath paying half here's what you do .....get your ex to take the child out one afternoon to buy the books/ uniform and say you'll reimburse him half the cost.. ask him to keep the receipts

There another important point a about parenting together when your separated. The parent that the child is not living with full time need to be seen by the child, as more that someone they go to for the weekend.

The weekend parent need to be the one buying school books, doing the dental visits, and generally sharing the mundane stuff of parenting as well

but in a lot of situation the mother is ( the one who generally has them full time ) ends up doing most of the parenting.

LegacyUser

Appreciate the perspective from all.
Have to say Marimel I was bent over (literally)with grief all w/end because of the anger and language I used in front of my child.I will NEVER let that happen again.I had chat with him last night when he came back and apologised for shouting and saying bad words to his dad.I too am on OPFA and am finding it difficult to cope now so the thought of all the incidental expenses involved with school are already worrying me.I just want him to feel equal to everyone else.
Deliverance- the preschool fees were discussed and agreed upon last Sept.-no surprise demands there-I hear you about the involvment thing-He is as involved as he wants to be-I try to tell him about all the the stuff that goes on and he is very dismissive about any information that comes directly from me . He knows the expenses involved and knows that money is going directly to pre-school.He agreed in mediation to pay it so why do I have to ask again and again for it.
The point is he is a mean person by nature-will try to get out of paying for his share of,say dinner on a night out/round of drinks etc,. It was one of the reasons I broke up with him.
Mariaalice- I know the sense in what you're saying and have suggested it but haven't got results as he is not around during the week.
I get weary when I think off the next 14 yrs of begging for money. I wish I was wealthy enough for it not to matter but it does. I hate the pettyness of it all.Oh well . Thanks all