The 'Spider' Email Joker - David Thorne

Smcgie

This is A+ Wit...

Worth the 5min read, Enjoy :pac:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/2479342/Spider-email-joker-is-back-David-Thorne-spider-email-prankster-returns-David-Thorne-winds-up-gym-boss-and-landlord.html

(Add link option not working sorry)

phasers

Eh, the spider was better

Smcgie

phasers wrote: »

Eh, the spider was better

Who itsy bitsy?

gerrycollins

such a laugh he some cocky fukker

Smcgie

gerrycollins wrote: »

such a laugh he some cocky fukker

The yanks have that and all we get for comedy is the totally unfunny .. Wait for it "Naked Utter Rubbish Buli**** Camara"

Pop's Diner

Yeah, I guess that was his 'difficult second email'? (doesn't come close to spider)

brummytom

Lovely... cheers for that, had me smiling.

Jaysus he's a cocky ****er... I like that woman Helen's increasing confusion turning to annoyance

swingking

Brilliant. Thanks for sharing this with us OP. I laughed for ages reading this

brummytom

Just finished reading the whole thing;;

---

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

---

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

---

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

---

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

Love it

AlmightyCushion

This is awesome. I tried to read it out to the lads in the house but I had to stop as I couldn't stop laughing. I was in tears reading it. This guy is hilarious. I don't think the emails are real but who gives a shít when they're that funny.

tech77

First one was great.
Second one started off well-he let himself down towards the end though with the direct slags about steroids etc.

humbert

I enjoyed something written in The Sun

Smcgie

humbert wrote: »

I enjoyed something written in The Sun

No.. no dont panic, they just sourced it from the net like the do with the rest of the tripe they publish then write "WORLD EXCLUSIVE" on the front page!

Smcgie

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

This is awesome. I tried to read it out to the lads in the house but I had to stop as I couldn't stop laughing. I was in tears reading it. This guy is hilarious. I don't think the emails are real but who gives a shít when they're that funny.

Sticky it AC.. ya know ya wanna :cool:

AlmightyCushion

Smcgie wrote: »

Sticky it AC.. ya know ya wanna :cool:

It had to be done, didn't it.

Sharpshooter

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

It had to be done, didn't it.

\0/
Yes.

Basq

The original Spider one was the best to be honest..

.. but they ain't bad!

giggsy664

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

Smcgie

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

It had to be done, didn't it.

Excellent Modding Skills! I shall send you a cheque for 1spider!

giggsy664

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.

AlmightyCushion

I love the way he gets asked a question and just goes off on a completely stupid tangent. The dog sled thing was brilliant/

giggsy664

To David:Go f$*k yourself
To Jeff:I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

AlmightyCushion

Smcgie wrote: »

Excellent Modding Skills! I shall send you a cheque for 1spider!

How much is the spider valued at?

IvySlayer

Bravo Mr Thorne, Bravo.

Sharpshooter

So everyone can view.

THE 'spider drawing' email prankster is back - and we've got our hands on his hilarious new wind-ups.

This time joker David Thorne is annoying a landlord and a gym boss with his cheeky replies.
Below we've got the transcripts from both - and they're brilliant.
Thorne found fame after his spider email, right, became an internet sensation, sweeping inboxes around the world.
It saw him trying to pay a bill with the drawing of a seven-legged spider, to the annoyance of a woman he owed money.

The first of his two newest posts begins with a letter, seen here, after complaints were made about noise in his flat.
Here we reveal the exchange....


From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen


From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.

I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.

For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.

I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen



AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM....


From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.

Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.





He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.


From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?


From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.

Smcgie

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

How much is the spider valued at?

*Ponders for something extremely witty* (its 00hunderd hours btw)

Value i cannot discuss..The spider comes with paypal protection. He has the ability to climb walls, advanced knowledge of the web and is known to terrorise such events as "Anne Summers Parties" and "Bingo"


i tried, im no David tho

Diabhal Beag

The Sun is still a **** paper

jumpguy

Did I...just enjoy an article in The Sun?

K-9

Was using Stumbleupon a couple of weeks ago and Seen it.

Very good, better and more believable than the Spider one.

Cianos

Reminds me of A Confederacy Of Dunces :pac:

In All Fairness

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

I love the way he gets asked a question and just goes off on a completely stupid tangent. The dog sled thing was brilliant/

Absolutely brilliant OP. Am almost tempted to start a thread "David Thorne v Bertie Aherne who do ya fancy?"

Thanks again.

TheManWho

And here's the classic original.

TPD

Am I the only one that doesn't find these that funny? I got a smirk at most out of the two new ones.

brazilicious

but he's genius!!!

http://www.27bslash6.com/hatemail.html

Shryke

The first of the two is better. It's almost as good as the spider joke. Had me laughing.

Podge2k7

Thorne is hilarious.

latenia

Wow, you don't have to do much to get stickied and thanked these days.

Maddison

Thank you much for making my day....I have just laughed to the point of tears & now all the guests are looking at my funny...think the white coats might come & get me.

But thanks so much for making my Tuesday morning:D

Smcgie

Maddison wrote: »

Thank you much for making my day....I have just laughed to the point of tears & now all the guests are looking at my funny...think the white coats might come & get me.

But thanks so much for making my Tuesday morning:D

Your very welcome.. Everyone needs a little laugh now and again

ShooterSF

Pfft. Been done ages ago in humour forum.

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055475507

Of course AC knows that. Right?

Few other things there too. Guy is hilarious.

Abi

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

---

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

---

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

---

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

Another vote for that one ^^

Actual tears of laughter. Brilliant.

latenia wrote: »

Wow, you don't have to do much to get stickied and thanked these days.

I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you just sat on something. Would you mind just leaving it by the fireplace when you are done? thx.

Sofaspud

Abigayle wrote: »

I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you just sat on something. Would you mind just leaving it by the fireplace when you are done? thx.

Either that, or sell it to the guy that dances for money, I hear he collects them.

Slidey

brazilicious wrote: »

but he's genius!!!

http://www.27bslash6.com/hatemail.html

Compete? I wouldn't attempt such a foolhardy excersise such as competing with a mental giant as yourself. I am possibly the least competitive person I know and am in fact the current national loser in the 'Who is Least Competitive Championships' where trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Love it!

kmart6

Brilliant!

Hal1

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

:pac:

AdamusAdonis

you gotta wonder if this actually happened... imagine it was real...


...

.

x in the city

just bcc: that to thorne and your set....

plissken

Smcgie wrote: »

Hello all, after getting this (quite narky) answer from the man involved i couldn't help but to use some David Thorn tactics. Im in the Blue and Narky holes in the black... enjoy

Im sorry but I didnt find your attempt funny in the least and I know I'm probably being anal but (“BE” “CEng” “SEI” & “GHES”) is not an anagram of BESEECHING. It just didnt have the wit of a David Thorn email that makes people laugh out loud uncontrolably.

Just my opinion mind, others may find it amusing.

BnA

plissken wrote: »

Im sorry but I didnt find your attempt funny in the least and I know I'm probably being anal but (“BE” “CEng” “SEI” & “GHES”) is not an anagram of BESEECHING. It just didnt have the wit of a David Thorn email that makes people laugh out loud uncontrolably.

Just my opinion mind, others may find it amusing.

I agree

Utter muck

komodosp

Hmmm... I'm thinking it's bullsh*t... How did the Sun get their hands on the emails? Did he forward them on (in which case, not funny, he was only doing it for the attention), or did the recipients? Both to The Sun?

Pace2008

The spider one was hilarious, but that was his fifteen minutes of internet fame and it should've been left at that. These just don't do it for me and actually taint the brilliant original