Would you tell?

This · 07-07-2009 12:31pm #1

If a friend you knew had recently got engaged and you knew the guy had cheated on her would you tell?????

I'll make this as short as possible...

I've worked with the girl for 5 years now and we hang out etc but I had never met her bf. So they ended up getting engaged and having a party, so I end up meeting him. Turns out he had slept with my cousin. ( i stayed over the same night and met him the next morn) my cousin said it was the first time she had met him and it was just a one night fling.

So anyways Im having a smoke and he comes out and basically breaks down in front of me, telling me he was sorry and it was wrong etc thats the guilt has been killing him and that he was seeing someone(i know this is true as his gf as told me hes been suffering from depression and seeing someone since xmas. he cheated in oct) he also said it was the only time he had cheated and will never do it again.

They are planning on moving back to the states to try and patch things up with her family, as they havnt spoken to her since she dropped out of college and followed him over here.

i feel im in such a horrible place right now. do i tell and break her heart and ruin her life? she has close friends in ireland but no family, and if she goes back tail between her legs her family will basically say i told you so.

if i dont lie at the wedding i'll basically be lying when the priest says has anyone got any objections and it might come out in the end and then i would look like i wanted to not tell her.

i havnt slept well the last few days its just killing me.

WindSock · 07-07-2009 12:36pm

Did he cheat on her at their engagement party? Fk yeah tell her. What a scummy thing to do. Do you think it would stop after they are married?

Also, did your cousin realise she was attending his engagement party?

WindSock · 07-07-2009 12:40pm

This wrote: »

do i tell and break her heart and ruin her life?

Ruin her life by telling her? I think it would be far more devastating for her if you didn't.

she has close friends in ireland but no family, and if she goes back tail between her legs her family will basically say i told you so.

Well thats something she is going to have to put up with for a short while. Better off doing it now than in a few years when she is divorced with kids.

Silverfish · 07-07-2009 12:41pm

No I think she meant she realised at the engagement party that her cousin had slept with him previously.

I wouldn't tell her OP but Id encourage him to.

minidazzler · 07-07-2009 12:48pm

Make him tell, if you tell then she simply leaves him, or doesn't believe you and stops being friends with you.

He tells her, there is still a small chance for their relationship.

ciagr297 · 07-07-2009 12:49pm

OP, I agree with Silverfish here. Encourage him to fess up to her.

Its not your responsibility here, try to stay outside of it because really its between them

Joey the lips · 07-07-2009 12:53pm

no.

WindSock · 07-07-2009 12:56pm

Silverfish wrote: »

No I think she meant she realised at the engagement party that her cousin had slept with him previously.

I wouldn't tell her OP but Id encourage him to.

Oh right. Misinterpreted the op. Agree if he came bawling to you about it because the cat's out of the bag, then it's up to him to know what to do.

Maddison · 07-07-2009 12:58pm

Absolutely try and get him to confess, If you tell she may not believe you anyway. By the boyfriend telling it may help to absolve his guilt. It is then up to them both to talk it through & see if they can work it out. Try give him an ultimatum tell him he needs to tell her by such & such a date or you will. It will hurt a lot more if she hears from you as she will think that everyone knows her business before she does.

snazzy · 07-07-2009 1:10pm

minidazzler wrote: »

Make him tell, if you tell then she simply leaves him, or doesn't believe you and stops being friends with you.

He tells her, there is still a small chance for their relationship.

I agree with this.
Put it to him to tell her and list your reasons why : She's your friend, you can't live with the guilt of knowing ... etc ...etc...

It would not be fair on you to have to tell her.

gamgsam · 07-07-2009 1:12pm

Yes tell her.

My fiance cheated on me at the start of June, got pregnant and had a shotgun wedding with the other guy.

Im destroyed over it, but aren't I better off walking away scott free than ending up years down the line with this happeneing again? Imagine I had children with her, and we had to do the split the family thing. that's no way to live your life.

Cheaters should not be given the chance at marriage. Its a commitment which they have proven they cannot make. Don't let your friend allow herself to walk into the potential wreck. He doesn't deserve her, and although she'll probly not agree, she can't just let it pass.

rubayat · 07-07-2009 1:19pm

Defo do not tell her!

The lad is sorry for what he did, he is engaged to her and will more than lightly marry her!

If you tell her she will forgive him and you will not be friendly with her or him anymore!

If you noticed him having an affair thats a different story but a one night stand that he is remorsefull about.

DO NOT TELL;)

This · 07-07-2009 1:27pm

yeah im gonna end up seeing him at the weekend (doing plumbing in my parents house... small world) I think I will talk to him and get him to tell.

she called me after i had just posted and said they were going looking at bands... my stomach flipped.

WindSock · 07-07-2009 1:28pm

rubayat wrote: »

The lad is sorry for what he did, he is engaged to her and will more than lightly marry her!

Sorry he got found out, more like. & being married does not automatically mean it will be a good one. Especially if one partner cannot be trusted.

This · 07-07-2009 1:30pm

sorry about your ex gamgsam

Das Kitty · 07-07-2009 1:36pm

Don't worry about lying at the ceremony This.

They don't actually ask that question in real life (not sure if they ever did), you only ever see it on TV or in films.

My heart goes out to you though.

rubayat · 07-07-2009 1:40pm

WindSock wrote: »

Sorry he got found out, more like. & being married does not automatically mean it will be a good one. Especially if one partner cannot be trusted.

She will forgive him!

She doesn't know yet that he can't be trusted, let me say it again he is sorry and if she tells "now you have a whole different story"

The trust will be gone and I dont think the guy sounds like a serial offender so you are responsible for wrecking their relationship, not him or the fling

gamgsam · 07-07-2009 1:44pm

Thanks, but its not your fault...

I really hope this works out for your friend, and yourself of course. Knowing what she will be going through, I can honestly say that she is better off knowing now. Marriage has to be based on absolute trust and nothing less. You sound like you've got a clear mind about this, so fair play.

All I can say is that I am so glad that I found out (and it was her friend that told me). Cheating is disgusting, sick and the lowest form of insult. That guy has no respect for your friend, her family or her future. Marriage is more than a promise. It's your life, the life of the one you love, the lives of your children and it can be entirely ruined by selfishness.

sillisome fiend · 07-07-2009 2:47pm

Personally if it was me I'd want to know the truth.

I know if I knew of any of my friends OH's cheating they'd know straight away. And I hope they'd do the same for me in that situation.

WindSock · 07-07-2009 2:52pm

rubayat wrote: »

I dont think the guy sounds like a serial offender so you are responsible for wrecking their relationship, not him or the fling

Eh..............................................................................................................................................................................ok.

janbaby · 07-07-2009 3:06pm

You only know about him cheating on her with one person, god knows how many times he's cheated. If he felt any guilt he would have confessed by now. You should talk to your friend. She deserves to know. It might hurt to hear about it but a break up is easier than a divorce! You never know she might even know already, they might have worked things out and then its off your chest.

I'd like to know.

Abi · 07-07-2009 4:35pm

Silverfish wrote: »

No I think she meant she realised at the engagement party that her cousin had slept with him previously.

I wouldn't tell her OP but Id encourage him to.

^^ Exactly, but I'd be a little more heavy handed than that.

Obviously the OP is pretty messed up about what she knows, but she is the messenger. Messengers get shot.

I'd tell him to fess up or I'll mention in front of all of their friends and family at the wedding. Obviously I wouldn't actually do that, but no harm in him thinking that. She has the right to know so she can choose what she wants to do about it, but not from the OP.

ragg · 09-07-2009 7:42pm

I think you should leave it, The dude is obviously contrite. These things happen sometimes. It was a scummy thing to do & I'd never do it to my missus, but sometimes its best to let these things lie.
you might think you are doing the right thing but your relationship will never be the same with your friend after it

herya · 09-07-2009 7:49pm

Abigayle wrote: »

I'd tell him to fess up or I'll mention in front of all of their friends and family at the wedding.

It sounds like something out of Agatha Christie

Maybe leave a message with a solicitor OP just in case he offs you before then?

(I agree make him confess).

Redpunto · 09-07-2009 7:57pm

How long had they been going out before he cheated on her?

rubayat · 09-07-2009 11:01pm

ragg wrote: »

I think you should leave it, The dude is obviously contrite. These things happen sometimes. It was a scummy thing to do & I'd never do it to my missus, but sometimes its best to let these things lie.
you might think you are doing the right thing but your relationship will never be the same with your friend after it

+1

Novella · 09-07-2009 11:18pm

Ouch. What a tricky situation. Em tbh, I think it'd be pretty **** to find out from a friend that your OH had cheated on you, it'd just make things worse that the partner never even confessed. I'd say the best thing you can do is try to get him to tell her himself because even though she will be devastated, I think it'd be better to hear it straight from the horses mouth.

Larianne · 09-07-2009 11:46pm

It's **** thing to have to do but I could not let my friend get married to someone who cheated on her. I'd inform the finance that I was going to tell her to give him the option of telling her, but I couldn't not say anything. If it was me, I'd want to know.

I'lllearnye · 10-07-2009 12:39am

This wrote: »

I've worked with the girl for 5 years now and we hang out etc but I had never met her bf. So they ended up getting engaged and having a party, so I end up meeting him. Turns out he had slept with my cousin. ( i stayed over the same night and met him the next morn) my cousin said it was the first time she had met him and it was just a one night fling.

So anyways Im having a smoke and he comes out and basically breaks down in front of me, telling me he was sorry and it was wrong etc thats the guilt has been killing him and that he was seeing someone(i know this is true as his gf as told me hes been suffering from depression and seeing someone since xmas. he cheated in oct) he also said it was the only time he had cheated and will never do it again.

i havnt slept well the last few days its just killing me.

Don't let it get to you-you're not the one who did the deed.

Are you really good friends with this girl? You say you've known her for five years but only met her fiance recently. For me, if she was a very good friend, I would definitely tell her. If she was a friend/acquaintance, I wouldn't want to get involved.

I think the fact that her fiance didn't try to pretend nothing had happened (ie he went out to you to talk about it) and also the fact that he's attending counselling for depression (not the easiest thing in the world to face up to) shows that he's willing to make things right. He doesn't sound like the sort of person who would have affairs just for the craic, and to hell with his fiancee. I'd take his word that he would never do anything like that again.

If he does happen to be a sleaze bag, you can be damn sure that your friend would have her suspicions anyway. Also, people sometimes still get married even when they know the relationship isn't right. You could find yourself at the end of a tongue lashing if this is the case with your friend.

If you do decide to say something, tread carefully. And whatever you decide to do, don't lose sleep over it-her fiance is to blame, not you.

herya · 10-07-2009 12:52am

I'lllearnye wrote: »

I think the fact that her fiance didn't try to pretend nothing had happened (ie he went out to you to talk about it) and also the fact that he's attending counselling for depression (not the easiest thing in the world to face up to) shows that he's willing to make things right. He doesn't sound like the sort of person who would have affairs just for the craic, and to hell with his fiancee.

Which might be good grounds for forgiveness indeed but it's the fiancee who needs to decide on this not the OP.

I'lllearnye wrote: »

I'd take his word that he would never do anything like that again.

The OP is not in the position to take his word on anything; it would actually be very unfair to demand that she becomes the guardian of the secret. It's between the two of them.

useful_contacts · 10-07-2009 1:02am

This wrote: »

So anyways Im having a smoke and he comes out and basically breaks down in front of me, telling me he was sorry and it was wrong etc thats the guilt has been killing him and that he was seeing someone(i know this is true as his gf as told me hes been suffering from depression and seeing someone since xmas. he cheated in oct) he also said it was the only time he had cheated and will never do it again.
.

was this at the party or the morning u met him in ur cuzs house because you havent elaborated and im confused

Would you tell?

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