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Trying to advise friend re her son

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  • 11-07-2009 7:18pm
    #1
    tuom
    Closed Accounts Posts: 86 ✭✭


    A work colleague and friend has had a lot of trouble with her son who is now 17 years old. He was asked to leave school and then taken back again but then once he hit 16 he left and has spent the last year+ just at home doing nothing.
    He smokes and drinks and recently told his mother that he is smoking cannabis, I know and so does his mother that he causes a lot of trouble for residents in a certain area along with his friends.

    My friend is a lone parent with another child aged 12 a girl, she works full time. However I think a lot of the problems are her own fault.
    She gives her son 20 euro a day, i know this as he calls into work for it and he usually just takes cigarettes out of her box.
    She has told me that he stays in bed until lunchtime then he calls to her for the money and that he is often out until 2.00am.

    At work my friend is almost too confident i would say she is almost aggresive and loud and as a manager she is at times very crass with people and her language can be foul mouthed, she takes no prisoners.

    I cannot understand why she cannot control her son , she almost seems afraid of him, she sometimes says to me " he is being very good now fingers crossed" .

    Last week she told me that she had a call from the gardai about him and she looked really rough at work the following day.

    However she told me that she was getting a loan from credit Union last week because she had a lot of bills to pay, and she took two days off work, no problem there you say, except she got the loan to kit her son out for Oxegen, she has not told me directly that he has gone to Oxegen, but she did say it to someone else.

    I would really like to know what you all think of this , is she being bullied by her son ? am I wrong in thinking she is to blame somewhat, would you take that from your 17 year old son.


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    #2
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    Seems to me she is one of these "consensual parenting" folks and its gone all wrong.Thats where the kid sets the rules.It sounds like something from Dr Phil.

    20 euro a day is way too much pocket money and giving him everything he wants without him doing nothing for it is plain stupid.Very unaffortable too unless you have pots of money.

    She needs to get him sorted out during the summer for the school year.

    I have teenage kids and the rule very much has been you can do what you want if you get good grades.


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    #3
    tuom
    Closed Accounts Posts: 86 ✭✭tuom


    CDfm wrote: »
    Seems to me she is one of these "consensual parenting" folks and its gone all wrong.Thats where the kid sets the rules.It sounds like something from Dr Phil.

    20 euro a day is way too much pocket money and giving him everything he wants without him doing nothing for it is plain stupid.Very unaffortable too unless you have pots of money.

    She needs to get him sorted out during the summer for the school year.

    I have teenage kids and the rule very much has been you can do what you want if you get good grades.

    Thank you for your reply I too have a 17 year old daughter the other two are long grown and flown 29 and 25, I am glad it is not just me that thinks that this situation is way out of control, she and I are on the same salary and there is no way I could afford what she is doing, I do give my daughter money (30 euro per week) she has just finished her Leaving Cert, for the money she cleans the house and does the dinner for us every day plus the washing and the ironing, it keeps her busy as there are no summer jobs if there were jobs she would be out there.
    I feel sorry for my friend but I am also really worried I think she is scared of her son (he is a big lad and has a temper) I am really worried, hope you can understand my concern.


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    #4
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    tuom wrote: »
    I feel sorry for my friend but I am also really worried I think she is scared of her son (he is a big lad and has a temper) I am really worried, hope you can understand my concern.

    Well she should start by telling him that money is tight at the moment and they need to economise.

    Where is the father as I imagine she may have tried the affection buying thing and it has backfired.

    The temper part of it can be controled if she handles it properly.I imagine he has learned this behaviour from her and confrontation wont work here but calm and reasonable behaviour.


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    #5
    tuom
    Closed Accounts Posts: 86 ✭✭tuom


    CDfm wrote: »
    Well she should start by telling him that money is tight at the moment and they need to economise.

    Where is the father as I imagine she may have tried the affection buying thing and it has backfired.

    The temper part of it can be controled if she handles it properly.I imagine he has learned this behaviour from her and confrontation wont work here but calm and reasonable behaviour.
    Father has never been on the scene he lives in US I think, she has in the past arranged some mediation and counselling but he "would not go" her words her latest comment recently to me was I have told him that when he is 18 I am going to throw him out.
    I understand calm and reasonable but think that is all one way


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    #6
    Ddad
    Registered Users Posts: 441 ✭✭Ddad


    It sounds like she's made an utter shambles of dealing with this situation over the lsst two years. Children leave school early, thats fine, but to have nothing to do once they leave school is a disaster. €20 euros a day is more disposable income than most working people enjoy. I know I can't/ Don't spend €100 a week entertaining myself.

    I'm sorry for you though. clearly you have great empathy for the woman but I don't think there is much you can achieve. Clearly the young lad needs to get his backside on a course or else the next stop for him is a methadone clinic, prison or the cemetery. Stark choices for his mommy but it's time for some tough love.


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    #7
    nayorleck114
    Closed Accounts Posts: 224 ✭✭nayorleck114


    tuom wrote: »
    She gives her son 20 euro a day,

    What does she expect.


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    #8
    tuom
    Closed Accounts Posts: 86 ✭✭tuom


    Thanks all of you for your thoughts I may need to step back from this I think the fact that she didnt tell me about the oxegen thing speak for itself , I think she knows what my reaction would be, we all know that rewarding behaviour be it good or bad only works if you are consistent, will update if any of my real fears materialise, i think that is the crux of my problem i am afraid for her .


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    #9
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    tuom wrote: »
    Thanks all of you for your thoughts I may need to step back from this I think the fact that she didnt tell me about the oxegen thing speak for itself , I think she knows what my reaction would be, we all know that rewarding behaviour be it good or bad only works if you are consistent, will update if any of my real fears materialise, i think that is the crux of my problem i am afraid for her .

    Well if she is afraid of him she can obtain a safety order from the court giving the guards the right to arrest him. Its the family court so he wont have a criminal record.

    Its laying down ground rules for proper behavior which she has failed in so far. Its about time she becomes a parent.


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