Quotes

Rufus.T.Firefly

Phyllis Diller



Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.



His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.


Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?


I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.


I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'


I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.


I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.




My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.



My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.



The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.


There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?


There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.


What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.


Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.


You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.





Ellen DeGeneres



My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.





Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.


Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.




Joan Rivers



I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.


I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.


I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."


I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.


I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.





People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.


She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.



There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.




Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

MickyMoo

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