Advice about letting 5-year-old out to play

speedscot

I was wondering if I am alone in thinking a 5 yr old girl is too young to be out in the streets playing? We live in an estate, near the end of it so there is no through road but it's not exactly a quiet cul-de-sac either. Some of my neighbours let their kids out age 3 (ish) 5, 6 years. One lot just parf their nippers out the minute the rain stops, without fail. Interesting though that none of these families appears to be Irish so I don't know if culturally it is different in their home countries.

My daughter wants to be out playing with these kids but I am increasingly anxious about it, especially since I realised none of the *local* families seem to let their kids out this young. I don't know if I am being too cautious or not.

The other kids are constantly at my door ringing the bell wanting my girl to go out but then at times she has played with them they don't seem to be all that nice to her? Is that just how kids are with each other? The young Polish kids are constantly hitting and kicking. One day they chucked mud right in my kid's face. I saw their Dad drive past one day when they were playing with a road drain - he told them (in Polish but it was obvious what he was saying) to leave it alone but the minute his car was out of sight they carried right on!

I don't know if I am being an over-anxious mother (I do have previous for it) or if I am justified not thinking it is safe for my kid to be out there unsupervised. It's exhausting watching from the windows and fretting every time I can't see her. Bless her, when she has been out, she has been 100% angel (MOST unlike her!), obeying my orders to stay within sight of our windows etc.

I was wondering if other parents here could give some advice. Should I follow my gut instinct that she is too young even if it upsets her? How can I get these kids to stop ringing my bell all the time, winding my kids up? Any advice would be so appreciated. Being new here I don't want to rock any boats with neighbours.

Nevyn

Ok well you have to figure out if she is old enough,
how much common sense does she have?
Does she know to keep of the road?
Can you give her a set of rules to abide by and will she?

I set my two certain rules and boundaries as in they are only allowed to play in a certain area and not stray from it, they are not allowed in people's houses or back gardens ect
Set simple rules and with the weather being good can you sit out in the garden and read and keep an eye making your presence felt?

Maddison

I was kind of like you, I used to allow my little boy out from about 4 but even then Id be sitting outside watching him, It just tore at me when his friends would call in & I kept telling them that he was too young to be out playing then he would sit there looking out at the other kids having fun. Ive finally relented this year & he is out a lot more often, Its actually good for us parents too cause while they are out having fun we can get bits aroun the house done, my little man is in every 5 minutes anyway at the fridge so I dnt even need to look out unless he hasnt called in after about 15 mins. He knows to stay where I can see him & if he is going into a friends house he has to report back to me, schools educate on stranger danger & we do at home also.

speedscot

Thaedydal wrote: »

Ok well you have to figure out if she is old enough,
how much common sense does she have?
Does she know to keep of the road?
Can you give her a set of rules to abide by and will she?

I set my two certain rules and boundaries as in they are only allowed to play in a certain area and not stray from it, they are not allowed in people's houses or back gardens ect
Set simple rules and with the weather being good can you sit out in the garden and read and keep an eye making your presence felt?

Hi and thanks for your help. I've been watching her and she's pretty good about watching for cars and keeping out of the way. I've asked her not to go into people's houses and she's very good at following those rules so far. The times I have seen her going to far I just got her straight back inside immediately so she knows the consequences of it.

I can't see where they are playing if I am in my garden so that's not an option - it's a case of haunting the windows. I am terrified if she is even a bit out of sight briefly (like behind a car etc). The problem I have is she is really too small to defend herself from a predator and I don't really know how to warn her against bad things without scaring her.

speedscot

Maddison wrote: »

I was kind of like you, I used to allow my little boy out from about 4 but even then Id be sitting outside watching him, It just tore at me when his friends would call in & I kept telling them that he was too young to be out playing then he would sit there looking out at the other kids having fun. Ive finally relented this year & he is out a lot more often, Its actually good for us parents too cause while they are out having fun we can get bits aroun the house done, my little man is in every 5 minutes anyway at the fridge so I dnt even need to look out unless he hasnt called in after about 15 mins. He knows to stay where I can see him & if he is going into a friends house he has to report back to me, schools educate on stranger danger & we do at home also.

Hi thanks for replying. Can you really get on with stuff while he is out? I really can't. I am constantly at the window. If I can't hear their voices I am out the door looking for her in an instant. Am I too uptight?

Maddison

Well I suppose over the summer Ive learnt that if theres anything wrong he or one of his friends are at the door in an instant, I keep the windows open & If I cant hear him I will take a walk across the street. He is fairly sensible I suppose & tbh if I tried keeping him in he would just open the door himself & go out, hes at that age now when you tell him no he answers back with a fairly mature answer.

speedscot

LOL Maddison so that is not just girls at this age then My daughter is a right madam she has an answer for everything - a well-thought out "mum can't possibly argue with THIS" answer for everything no less! I think I was the same at that age but it's so long ago my memory fails a bit!

So I should let her out a bit more then? You are right they are straight to the door as soon as anything happens to any of them. I need to loosen up a bit. I will have a word with her Dad when he is here at the weekend. I suppose it's not that hard to keep an eye out the window. I just hate my internal anxiety levels and constantly question if I should be listening to my maternal instinct or not.

Maddison

I think that in order for our children to grow they need us to let up on them a little, If we baby them too much what kind of teenagers will they turn into, or adults for that matter. When my little man was a baby I never spoke to him in that baby language, he now has the vocabulary of a child much older according to his teachers.

Maddison

Ha ha thought of one:
There were boys on moped thingys on the road pulling wheelies & that so I asked him to stay in until the bold boys went away.
His reply was ''mammy if their parents didnt neglect them they wouldnt be so bold would they''

Nevyn

I find the use of the term 'predator' in your post to be alarming tbh.
IF she is out with other children on the road then honestly she is more likely to come up against a bit of bullying more then anything else.

Children are more likely to be abused by someone known to them then a randaom stranger who they bump into on the street.

Maddison

There are so many bad things in this world sadly nowadays, to be afraid for your child for all of these would mean wrapping your child up in cotton wool.

speedscot

Maddison wrote: »

Ha ha thought of one:
There were boys on moped thingys on the road pulling wheelies & that so I asked him to stay in until the bold boys went away.
His reply was ''mammy if their parents didnt neglect them they wouldnt be so bold would they''

LOL good answer! I've never done baby-talk either - in fact my 5 yr old gets very annoyed with anyone who tried to speak to her that way (she had a nursery teacher who did so and was always moaning about her!). She asked me the other day how long it was going to take to turn Irish. Bless! Think she wants a cute little accent to fit in here.

speedscot

Thaedydal wrote: »

I find the use of the term 'predator' in your post to be alarming tbh.
IF she is out with other children on the road then honestly she is more likely to come up against a bit of bullying more then anything else.

Children are more likely to be abused by someone known to them then a randaom stranger who they bump into on the street.

Alarming or alarmist? Alarmist, I admit, and I think I have made it clear that I am quite neurotic about my firstborn (since I am learning parenting along with her). That was the reason I came here to ask for advice.

I know the statistics but at the end of the day a mate of mine from our very small, very rural Scottish village was abducted, murdered and god knows what horrible other things in-between the two events, back in the early 80s, so please forgive me for being somewhat over-aware of that issue. Thanks.

speedscot

Maddison wrote: »

There are so many bad things in this world sadly nowadays, to be afraid for your child for all of these would mean wrapping your child up in cotton wool.

That's what I find so hard - drawing the line between adequate parental protection and being over protective.

Maddison

speedscot wrote: »

That's what I find so hard - drawing the line between adequate parental protection and being over protective.

It is hard but just take it gradually....theres nothing to say that you cant keep checking on her...but you will see over time that kids are alot more robust that we give them credit for. When she is going out give her little reminders on stranger danger/staying within sight of the house etc...

littlebug

I know the feeling my concerns are a bit different though... i've some very unsavoury characters next door who have even more unsavoury visitors day and night and I really just don't think it's safe for them to be playing out the front. If they are out I make a point of having work to do in the front garden or else I'm hovering at the window. If they're going to friends round the corner there are set rules that we've agreed with some of the other parents about where they can go etc. So far they've been good about sticking to the rules. Bit of a problem when there are some kids whose parents don't set similar boundaries.... or any in some cases . I just explain to mine that different families have different rules and that's that. I'm getting away with it for now...:rolleyes:

stovelid

I live on a similar estate, and I'm pretty nervous about the day my boy starts playing out.

Not because of 'predators' or bullying, but traffic.

At the end of the day, you just have to instill some rules and boundaries and let them out.

I hate the idea of him being cooped inside if he wants to be out with the other kids. Not to mention the sedentary aspect. It can't be good for any child.

You're not alone in worrying about your child. Infact I think it's pretty odd not to worry. However, children learn by being given some freedom, being kept in on her own while all the other kids play is not healthy. She needs to socialise and there are some things that she can only learn by being allowed out. You will project your nervousness on to her and that is not good.

I agree with stovelid, the biggest fear I would have is traffic.

That is awful what happened to your friend but it's such an unlikely thing to happen that you will have to move on from it to allow your daughter to grow.

speedscot

littlebug wrote: »

I know the feeling my concerns are a bit different though... i've some very unsavoury characters next door who have even more unsavoury visitors day and night and I really just don't think it's safe for them to be playing out the front. If they are out I make a point of having work to do in the front garden or else I'm hovering at the window. If they're going to friends round the corner there are set rules that we've agreed with some of the other parents about where they can go etc. So far they've been good about sticking to the rules. Bit of a problem when there are some kids whose parents don't set similar boundaries.... or any in some cases . I just explain to mine that different families have different rules and that's that. I'm getting away with it for now...:rolleyes:

I haven't really seen anyone specifically unsavoury, fortunately, or that would be an immediate reason never to let her out I think! I can't really work in the front garden, it's just concrete for the car and a postage stamp of grass. I suppose I could clean my windows every day LOL. Wouldn't take long enough though. I don't know any of the other parents, having only just moved here, and most of them are not English speakers so I have no idea how to approach them.

The Polish family chuck their kids out the door as soon as the rain stops. They watch them out their windows and are out in a shot if they are hurt or fall over etc but if one of their kids is throwing stones at cars, kicking/hitting other children, damaging other people's gardens (seen them do all of these and worse) they don't come out and say anything to them, which makes me wonder whether it would even be possible to speak to them about what the kids should and shouldn't be allowed to do.

Another issue I suppose I have is that there is a walkway beside our house and lots of people further away in the estate use it as a means of walking to and from town, so there is always lots of foot traffic of unknown people, if you know what I mean, not near neighbours etc. Would be so easy for someone to scoop up a kid and be off with them. Sorry if I am being alarmist again but I'd rather get this right than lose my child!

speedscot

stovelid wrote: »

I hate the idea of him being cooped inside if he wants to be out with the other kids. Not to mention the sedentary aspect. It can't be good for any child.

We have a good size garden and we walk a lot together so I am not concerned about a sedentary lifestyle, just safety.

speedscot

Deleted User wrote: »

You're not alone in worrying about your child. Infact I think it's pretty odd not to worry. However, children learn by being given some freedom, being kept in on her own while all the other kids play is not healthy. She needs to socialise and there are some things that she can only learn by being allowed out. You will project your nervousness on to her and that is not good.

That is part of my point - not ALL the other kids play. The ones that do are from non-Irish families. This is what makes me wonder if it is not considered so safe but the newly settled people have a different cultural view of it or don't realise it's not safe or something.

[/quote]

Call Me Jimmy

I don't have kids but I have a little niece who I adore and have had to take care of in the past. She is 5 now and to say that she is too young to play outside would be worse for her than any possible danger out there.

The chances of a 'predator' snatching a child on the street is about as likely as your child getting stricken by lightning. Obviously, keep tabs on her and whatnot, be sure that she understands the rules, but ye have to let them be children. You have to let go of some of your fear as it may hinder your child's development imo. You cannot protect them from every eventuality whether they are young or old.

stovelid

speedscot wrote: »

We have a good size garden and we walk a lot together so I am not concerned about a sedentary lifestyle, just safety.

It's good for a five year-old to socialize with other kids. I doubt you can fulfil that role completely.

Kids engaging with the world is something that can't be put off forever.

Nevyn

speedscot wrote: »

That's what I find so hard - drawing the line between adequate parental protection and being over protective.

It is a parenting learning curve, I know I was very anxious and agitated when mine started to go out to play at first it's part of trusting them and letting them go a little and we all have our fears and concerns but we have to try and be reasonable and logical about them.

jaybee747

If you feel she's old enough to understand a couple of rules, I would let her out under supervision at first (to make sure rules are sinking in).I have a 4 year old and am quite happy to let her out to play with her friends. She knows theres no going around the corner and when cars come into the estate she gets off the road and stands by the walls.(not alot of traffic uses the estate)
I found telling her little friends the rules helps as they all look out for each other, keep repeating the rules. I still check on her every 2 minutes but i'm happier that i know she's playing by the rules.

itz me

I set my two certain rules and boundaries as in they are only allowed to play in a certain area and not stray from it, they are not allowed in people's houses or back gardens ect


this is exactly what i done and my 5yr old is allowed happily out to play as long as she sticks to the rules...if not shes back inside till she understands why i've set rules for her....we need to give them a little freedom at this age but not too much

Wantobe

I disagree with the other posters.

You've just moved to the area, you don't know the neighbours or their children, your house is just by a walkway where people from outside the estate regularly walk past- I wouldnt let my child play outside under those circumstances, unsupervised either.

I have a five year old too, and, like you, have just moved to a new area. She plays in the back garden and is not allowed out the front unless I am with her. Although she is really a great little girl sometimes she can be heedless with traffic- it's happened once or twice ever that I've been putting something into the car and although I've told her to stay on the pavement she's just gone to walk out onto the road without looking ( head in the clouds dreaming). Because I'm there I can grab her. What if I wasn't there?

She has plenty of socialising with other children in the childminders when I am at work and with her sibling. I also take them to the park, go out with them on the road in front of the house with their bikes and other kids come and play in our garden ( they ask first!) but no way would I let her go off on her own.

BostonB

Perhaps if you lived in a very protected area, with few hazards and little traffic. I don't think many such places exist. Even then, have to say I wouldn't trust any 5yr olds including my own for long on their own. They could destroy cities with a spoon. Also they tend not to get locked in to what they are doing and forget important rules. Perhaps some don't.

Primary hazard has to be speeding cars in most residential areas. Its like gumball rally at peak time, and fast food delivery time. People just don't slow down. Theres practically zero enforcement too. As for other threats, we've had a few warnings from the school and local papers about suspect cars and approaches to kids in various local areas. Its not something I'd dismiss that easily. Probably the 2nd most likely threat is bullying and injury from older kids, who seem to drift around most residential areas.

Depends entirely on your area, and your kids habits. That said someone I know with the best behaved kids (5 and under) I've seen, real angels. Completely out of the blue went on a wrecking spree of neighbours property before someone spotted them. Also someone else i know swears blind their kids follow their rules and are never on the road. Yet every time I pass they are all over it. I think some people want to believe the best.

I just think 5yr olds are still unpredictable enough, not to trust entirely.

When I was a kid we play in people gardens, not any further. But even then the roads were far quieter and people would notice problems far quicker than today, because they weren't as busy, and there were less people that you didn't know around.

nesf

Maddison wrote: »

There are so many bad things in this world sadly nowadays, to be afraid for your child for all of these would mean wrapping your child up in cotton wool.

They were always there, it's just sensationalised more in the media now.

speedscot

Stovelid - first you assume my kids have a sedentary life because I am not sure about letting a young child play out unsupervised, now you assume they don't get enough socialisation? Enough, already. You know nothing about our life so quit, please.

BostonB

nesf wrote: »

They were always there, it's just sensationalised more in the media now.

In fairness, theres far more drink, drugs and cars around than ever before, especially in younger and younger people.