teenager turmoil!

pokerface78

i dont know where to start or even how to explain my situation but hopefully someone out there will understand. i am a single mother of two children and am completely at my wits end with my eldest daughter who is 12. she has always been very cheeky but i am a fairly strict parent and she knows if she steps out of line her "nice things" t.v,phone etc will b confiscated and a grounding implimented if necessary. i had an incident with her back in may and she was grounded for a month fone and laptop taken from her. with family support she finally accepted her punishment..after 5hours of solid argument! anyway,since then she has been so good,coming home on time and her behaviour has been great. until yesterday,she stayed at a friends house wednesday nite,and was due to b home at 1pm. she didnt arrive and wouldnt answer her phone so i went and picked her up. after banging on the door she eventually answered saying she had slept in. wen we got home i told her to hav a shower,bring down her dirty washing and cups from her room to which she replied no,im going back out iv made plans. when i told her she wasnt leaving til she done wat i asked she lost it. threw her fone at me(which may i add was mine id loan it to her while hers was getting fixed) i calmly picked up the fone took her sim card out,gav it to her and kept the fone. she went nuts,wanting the fone back!this all began at 1.30 yesterday,and ended at 12am when i eventually rang my cousin to cum pick her up,i cudnt take anymore. during the days events i gav her no ammunition and stayed silent(thinking she wud eventually calm down...but me and my 7yr old daughter where locked into the living room,when i got her to open the door she threaten me with a snooker cue..screamed the house down,broke all my picture frames and then decided she no longer wanted to live in a house that had rules and wants to b taken into care! my nerves r shot right now,iv always done the best by my kids..and this is my thanx. i hav no idea wat to do now,any help wud b grateful!shes currently with my cousin til monday but she contacted a social worker today who told her to think about it over the weekend and if she still doesnt want to live with me they will sort a temporary foster care home for her. i cant believe this nightmare is happening, all because i asked her to hav a shower and tidy her room..
any help would b grateful right now,me and my family r at our wits end

tk123

Is there a reason she's acting like this prehaps something's happened to her thats making her act out? If she's just bening a drama queen I'd let her go to the home - it'll bring her down to earth.

LittleRose

You poor thing! It sounds like you are a great parent and are doing all the right things. I remember really getting to know myself at this age too and having major tantrums - could be hormone related.

With regard to the social worker, can you yourself contact them and have a chat? Explain your side of the story. There are plenty of kids out there who SHOULD be taken into care for reasons of neglect and abuse and aren't. I would feel exactly like you if my daughter were carrying on like this, getting social workers involved etc. I'm sure you feel like you are losing control of the whole situation. That is why trying to meet with the social worker with a view to possibly getting him or her to mediate between you and your daughter might help the situation in general and might help you feel like you have some input. At the end of the day, you're her mother and have a right to be heard.

Perhaps if you got somebody to look after your seven-year-old for a day and took your 12-year-old off somewhere nice, like a girly day out, a little bit of shopping, a walk, a bite to eat it might help. Don't bring up the incident of the other day or the social worker. Just use it as time to enjoy each other's company, tell her about the day she was born, how happy she made you, what she means to you, what you love about her etc. Make it all positive. Let her see that you're not always the disciplinarian.

If you get this far with her, there are loads of things you can do to make the future less fraught.

I'm so upset for you. Kids can blow your heart open with love and then jump all over it.

But I think the best thing you have done and are continuing to do for her is giving her boundaries, being consistent and sticking to your guns. She's just seeing a different side to the world now and realising that inside her four walls maybe isn't the be all and end all and she's just testing the waters.

I hope things settle down for you. I wish I could give you a magic formula to make it work out and get her home and happy. Look after yourself xxx

pokerface78

thank you for your reply..it touched my heart to know that there is actually someone out there who cares getting through the weekend was hell,the not knowing what to do is terrible,i felt like i had completely lost my mind. yesterday she came home, i got an apology and she asked to come home but when i questioned her behaviours i got the ever frustrating "i dont know" in reply to all my questions. she has decided on her punishment which is a grounding for a week!i was not happy with this but didnt want to rock the boat (many parents downfall) so today we are going to meet a person from barnardos for a chat. i spoke to her yesterday about the situation and she was very supportive towards me. today hopefully will bring a day of the start of resolution and answers and most of all the respect back for the boundries in the house..rules are there for a reason and they need to be respected by everyone who is part of our family,we are a team and we are here for eachother,she needs to start respecting that before we can move forward. it will be a long hard road!

PullOutMethod

I think you are parenting well in this situation.
Discipline is very important.
Don't forget to hang out / do stuff with you daughter and enjoy each others company also.

jmbkay

OP how are you getting on. I have a difficult one as well, age 13, has nearly always been this way. Battle, aggression, no respect. Where did she get the social worker idea from?

pokerface78

i am getting through it slowly but surely. i really feel for you if your beginning to go through what i am. i have never felt so alone as to wat iv felt in the last week (even though there has been family and friends there). On tuesday we went to barnardos,had a chat but they didnt seem to really help to be honest,i know they are very busy people and i got told on several occassions that there is a waiting list! we left the centre with no rules made as my daughter was too stubborn to agree to any..and they couldnt talk her round to compromise! shes a tough cookie to crack. so i left the centre with a list of psychologists numbers and art therapists as contacts! i rang 5 people on tuesday at 3pm and since then only 1 of these professionals has returned my call. there is no help in this country for people in distraught situations..only between 9 and 5 and if u can get someone to answer the phone and if they do, u need to then get an appointment! my daughter decided she was leaving home again on tuesday afternoon, i stripped her of everything at this point..her tv phone dog, her contact with anyone outside the house. she finally backed down from me when she had no more weapons to throw at me. kids will use anything as a weapon when argueing with a parent. "i hate you, i cant believe you would take away my dog the only thing i love, i cant believe you would take away my phone i cant speak to my friends i need to speak to someone,i cant speak to you...bla bla bla!! i stood my ground and told her she was staying put,there is no more options to leave our home til shes 18. she eventually cried herself to sleep. wednesday saw breakthrough. she got up and i realised something that it takes her around a half hour to wake up in the morning,and me giving out to her last week because she had slept in made her angry. i gav her 30mins and then sat down with her. told her she was out of order with her behaviour,it was not acceptable in my home,she was a child and i was the adult and if she doesnt like that she needs to lump it!rules and boundries are in place and are not up for discussion but any suggestions to these are welcome and will b looked at. iv also explained to her that she needs to do something with all this anger she has inside..so she is going to try help herself before it boils over. when she feels there is something wrong inside she will come to me,if i dont listen to her satisfaction she will write me a letter(this is a good way of dealing with emotions,writing them down) and leave it under my pillow so il get it wen i go to bed at nite..that way it lets me know wats going on in her life and more importantly in her head!

so a few pointers to stop the aggression that i hav learnt..
do not giv the child and audience
do not molly coddle the child
make them a cup of tea,calm the situation
tell them firmly how it is in the house,this behaviour is not acceptable
never give them an option to leave,do not entertain any threats to do so
you are the parent,you are in control,never let a child take that control
let the child involved help you make the rules and boundries for them in the house,if they dont want to..you make them for them and stick to them,stay strong and never ever back down!

i hav also signed my daughter up for art-therapy, its with a friend of a friend because barnardos or the health board could not help us due to waiting lists. she went for her first session yesterday, from wat i gather it went really really well,the art therapist wants my daughter to come back next week,and my daughter is very happy with this idea. it will help her get out and deal with anything thats going on inside..my mother always said "Better out than in"

pokerface78

sorry ment to mention the suggestion that i should spend time with my daughter do girlie stuff etc. i try so much on this..i suggest dvd nites, she'd rather speak to her friends on the phone, go for walks on the beach with the dog,she wants her friends to come or just go with them... il keep trying, we r going to the cinema tommorrow nite,so hope this is the start of a new stage. never give up!

gaeilgegrinds

Pokerface I really feel for you. I don't have any children but recently found out one on the way. However, I've worked for years with teenagers as a teacher, but parents come to us for all sorts of things. It never ceases to amaze me how backward this country can be. We've had situations where a child has threatened to harm themselves or committed a serious crime and in both situations are often told to wait, it's not acceptable. And as for 9-5, I think you're being too fair, sometimes it's 10-lunch, entended lunch and close at 4. When it's me trying to get through with 7-8 classes a day to teach surely lunchtime is the ideal time for these organisations to be open. All I'll say to you is this, it does pass, it is a phase and you can often find the nicest 17/18 year olds are the ones who had the toughest early teen years. You really seem to be doing your best. Focus your daughter on school, hobbies and make sure her diet is good, one thing I always find is Coke is a killer. It drives teens bananas, now I know she'll do what she likes to a certain extent outside the house but within it I'd try to keep these chemicals from her system. I comment you on giving this your all, don't give up, just knowing you love her this much will hopefully make a huge difference to your daughter. And thanks for bringing this to the fore, so many parents keep this type of thing to themselves and it's only by talking about it we'll make progress. Best of luck

conchubhar1

why does a 12 year old have a laptop of her own?

thethedev

ANd who told you she would be put into care just because she wants to?
Biggest load of ****e.
Shes acting like a brat, dont give her an inch and let her know whos boss by punishing her further.

pokerface78

gaeilgegrinds wrote: »

I don't have any children but recently found out one on the way.

And thanks for bringing this to the fore, so many parents keep this type of thing to themselves and it's only by talking about it we'll make progress. Best of luck

congratulations gaeilgegrinds, u must b over the moon about being a mammy! thank you for you kind words,and thank you for your support. i didnt come on this forum to be critisized for my parenting skills, i came on here to share with other parents my experience and hopefully get some advice on how to move forward. what works for one parent may not work for another but just knowing that someone else has been through a similiar experience and came out the other side gives us hope when we feel the whole world is crashing down upon us.. we all like to think we have the most perfect child, but its small minded parents like that who end up having the spoilt children who go about creating havoc on the streets but its ok because mammy or daddy will bail them out of the situation,or worse still deny they were ever involved,giving them a cover up! my daughter is not spoilt,she is loved,she doesnt have it easy and i do my best to show her the right road in life..i turned out alright and i pray she will to so thank you mammys and daddys for your support, keep up the good work!

LegacyUser

Hey you sound like you're really trying to do the right thing by your daughter.
Can I just say one thing? Don't worry too much about needing therapists or anything like that. She's just being 12 and good at it. I'm 26 now and I've 3 younger sisters, so I've gone through the teenage years 4 times now - with myself and each of them!!!! I've seen my own behaviour and that of 3 other teenagers wuite recently and it's all the same.The youngest is just 18 and she still has her moments. Seriously, 12 year olds will try anything because they are discovering a new world, but they are also still little girls inside.

Keep your boundaries and rules in place. If nothing else, explain that you also have a 7 year old, who needs to be shown some example and who has to live by the same rules. Try the girly nights and days out. She will go through several years of being totally embarassed to be seen with either you or your other daughter. Don't take it personally. My 18 yr old sister still won't go out with me and my 2 sisters for lunch at weekends because it's not "cool" to be seen with your sisters. She'll get over it eventually. So will your daughter, so don't take it to heart. She will "hate you", you'll "ruin her life" (so many times!) and she'll " want to move out" (so many times), nobody will "love her"....the guilt trips she will put you on are endless. Just keep being firm. Sooner or later she will realise that some rules just can't be broken and she'll get over it.I'm sure you're careful anyway, but be very vigilant of what she's doing on the computer.Very vigilant.

Also an idea is anything to do that might give her a bit of extra responsibility that she might enjoy??I don't really have any suggestions, but maybe you could think of something.
Good luck and don't worry too much about therapists or anything. The letter writing is a good idea, keep the communication open and keep your rules in place. It'll get easier as you go along.