Attitudes to casual sex.

dearg lady

ladhrann wrote: »

So here one is with a terrible dilemma, effectively I have to remain in a sexless state between relationships. (8 months and counting)

Relationship sex, with its strong mixture (when you're well matched of course) of passion, comfort, appreciation, respect and cuddles is the best.

Now this is gonna sound sappy and make me look like a desexualised gimp but is there such a thing as a cuddle-buddy at all??

Sex in a relationship is definitely waaay better, you're right, it just doesn't compare. Cuddle buddies would be the best thing ever! Even though I miss sex when I'm not getting it, the overall intimacy is what I really miss, that includes among other things, cuddles, kisses, sex, and that lovely comfy feelin ya get just veggin on the couch together. Ah, I really do miss that!!

The **** buddy I had wasn't a friend, I met him in a club, we slept together that night, exchanged number and things went from there. We got along, but weren't starting from the position of being mates.

MmmmmCheese

Novella wrote: »

Do you think sex is better in a relationship? (Not just Raze_them_all, anybody!)

In my opinion nothing beats sex with someone you love. Don't mean to get all sappy here, but if you love the person it stops being just about the physical aspect and you feel emotionally connected aswell.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm talkin out my arse here :P
I've only been in love with one guy and that was by far the best sex I've ever had.

Fugly

ladhrann wrote: »

Sure it's almost endemic to the Irish condition, and is a big part of some reasons why it isn't enjoyable for me.

I've tried talking, or asking a girl out in a bookshop and so on (all noes wah wah wah), but how do you pick one up for stuff right then and so on?? I'm not being prurient i assure you it's just again I can't figure out the scenario in my head.

I agree, I could never find drunken pick-ups attractive. It's just not for me.

I know, it sounds odd. It isn't a case of saying "oh I see you're looking at chauncer,,, great read.. fancy a shag?" :DI have been described as talking to anyone anywhere not merely in a sexual pick-up way I can just be exceptionally chatty, (I've also been told that I'm very flirtagious with every man I meet, if I am it;s not intentional.)
So in a bookshop, I have struck up convo's which led to invites to coffee/museum/debate/discussion/a reading/ or a drink and offered/asked for number. Now look at my name, I'm not hot, I don't think I'm exceptionally nice/sexy/interesting.
so number exchanged/meeting had =>flirting =>discussing sex=>casual sex. I would never have sex straight away that day, I like to rule out the possibility of a serial murderer first. To me though the intial contact is made not looking to pick him up.
bookshop could be any scenario.

And to panda, I agree I have friends who only do it when drunk and I can't understand it. . If you want to do it, do it but don't have to get hammered and regret it, if it's not for you, don't bother with it. And to point out I may only have sex with the man casually once but I'll have contact, so reassurance re sexual health.

Manic Moran

What's stopping anyone cuddling after casual sex? (Ref earlier poster). Not had issue with it before, after all, you've just been particularly intimate. Isn't a cuddle something of a continuation of this?

Never heard the term 'Cuddle buddy' before, but I guess I've had one of those. Also had two FBs, although truth be told, I never really considered it as such until now that I'm thinking about it (And this was some ten years ago). All three were satisfying enough, I certainly don't regret them. It was fun and got me out of the house.

Oh, and relationship sex is always better than casual sex.

I'll agree with that, but casual sex tends to be good too!

NTM (Interloper)

ciagr297

shellyboo wrote: »

Oh, and relationship sex is always better than casual sex.

i agree completely, the best scenario is relationship sex.
however, i'm not gonna starve myself just cause i'm not in a relationship! if i do, that just means that when i do get into a relationship, i'm building expectations of mind blowing sex, and usually it disappoints. at least the first time anyway:D

i think once both parties are clear what it is, there is no problem.

shellyboo wrote: »

For me, anyway. I actually wouldn't get into a relationship with someone if the sex wasn't great to begin with, and it usually only gets better from there

absolutely - its certainly happened to me that i have been dating a guy(been out 4 or 5 times together), holding off on sex, really getting to like him and then the sex happens and i'm just not satisfied. and then i give it another shot (or several more to be precise) but it just never quite happens and i don't want to hurt his feelings so i just go along with it.
this is the worst situation cause now i am dating a guy who is no good for me in bed but whom i've formed some sort of attachment to. there is no way for me to break up with him and not feel like the bad guy, or some sort of jezabel for wanting good sex

if i'm interested in someone and he is interested in me, we may go home together but it doesn't mean anything is actually going to happen either.....there is a happy medium with the right person

shellyboo

ciagr297 wrote: »

absolutely - its certainly happened to me that i have been dating a guy(been out 4 or 5 times together), holding off on sex, really getting to like him and then the sex happens and i'm just not satisfied.

This story makes me sound like a whore, and a shallow one at that, but here goes anyway...

That's only happened to me once, and I vowed never again. Really lovely guy, I decided to hold out on sleeping with him (for once :P) to seei if it made a difference in the guy sticking around, or whatever. Finally slept with him after about a month and it was a disaster. Everything that could go wrong, did. I was gutted, couldn't continue on with it after that. But ultimately, I knew it would end up becoming a problem between us, so there didn't seem much point in continuing.

So... never again am I being good :P

ciagr297

shellyboo wrote: »

This story makes me sound like a whore, and a shallow one at that, but here goes anyway...

That's only happened to me once, and I vowed never again. Really lovely guy, I decided to hold out on sleeping with him (for once :P) to seei if it made a difference in the guy sticking around, or whatever. Finally slept with him after about a month and it was a disaster. Everything that could go wrong, did. I was gutted, couldn't continue on with it after that. But ultimately, I knew it would end up becoming a problem between us, so there didn't seem much point in continuing.

So... never again am I being good :P

i am literally cringing just reading this, and also so very very relieved that this has happened to someone else!
and no, this does not make you or i sound like a whore (in my opinion)

after the above situation happened to me, i pretty much made up my mind that the sex had take place fairly early on (not saying first date or anything) - cause its really about saving myself the real pain of having to break a connection with him if i realise the sex is no good.

i find it difficult to connect to someone on the right levels that when i do, i want to make sure its gonna work....in all the right ways:D

shellyboo

ciagr297 wrote: »

after the above situation happened to me, i pretty much made up my mind that the sex had take place fairly early on (not saying first date or anything) - cause its really about saving myself the real pain of having to break a connection with him if i realise the sex is no good.

Yeah, exactly! But I still feel like a wagon when I think about it, because he was a real sweetheart.

Xiney

I've never had casual sex. I've actually only ever had sex with one person.

Thing is though, I just ended up marrying the first person I ever had sex with. It certainly wasn't something I planned... it just happened.

I didn't want my first time to be casual but I had assumed that my first time wouldn't be with my last person and that my 20s would be filled with lovers of various seriousness, along with some one night stands.

I'm certainly not against casual sex. It's just not in the cards for me, it seems, haha.

Kya1976

Xiney wrote: »

I've never had casual sex. I've actually only ever had sex with one person.

Thing is though, I just ended up marrying the first person I ever had sex with. It certainly wasn't something I planned... it just happened.

I didn't want my first time to be casual but I had assumed that my first time wouldn't be with my last person and that my 20s would be filled with lovers of various seriousness, along with some one night stands.

I'm certainly not against casual sex. It's just not in the cards for me, it seems, haha.

Thats really sweet:)

For me I've got nothing against casual sex but would be more into having a fb rather than a one night stand as they never seem to work out very well, in my experience anyway.
Sure sex usually gets better when you're in a relationship but it can also get quite boring at times, so I just find that casual sex can be a little more exciting, with the right person of course. Nothing like pure lust...

Wibbs

ciagr297 wrote: »

absolutely - its certainly happened to me that i have been dating a guy(been out 4 or 5 times together), holding off on sex, really getting to like him and then the sex happens and i'm just not satisfied. and then i give it another shot (or several more to be precise) but it just never quite happens and i don't want to hurt his feelings so i just go along with it.
this is the worst situation cause now i am dating a guy who is no good for me in bed but whom i've formed some sort of attachment to. there is no way for me to break up with him and not feel like the bad guy, or some sort of jezabel for wanting good sex

That's happened to me too from the other side, to varying degrees. One example, really nice woman, we got on really well and I could see it going somewhere, held off for a bit in the bedroom dept(more by circumstance than design). Big downer. We just didn't gel.

Funny enough I would say it was more that I was crap too. It was awkward for both and because of that I was as much use as boobs on a bull. Whereas other times with women I didn't have any real connection with I was king of the hill. There was nothing wrong with how they were TBH and I'm very sure they would rock some other guys world, just not mine. And I wasn't doing it for them.

It's great when you're pretty much both on the same page in all aspects of the relationship. You can have that with a one off night too. Just for that time everything fits, but wouldn't fit if you met again.

Das Kitty

Xiney wrote: »

I've never had casual sex. I've actually only ever had sex with one person.

Thing is though, I just ended up marrying the first person I ever had sex with. It certainly wasn't something I planned... it just happened.

I didn't want my first time to be casual but I had assumed that my first time wouldn't be with my last person and that my 20s would be filled with lovers of various seriousness, along with some one night stands.

I'm certainly not against casual sex. It's just not in the cards for me, it seems, haha.

Ha ha.

Exactly the same here.

I'm as happy as Larry with how it all turned out.

Monkey61

I'm never sure how I feel about it, because for me, even casual sex only works if there is a massive amount of attraction there and even if I know that it would never work out with that person, I still end up wanting something more from them, not necessarily a relationship, but more time, or more sex or more attachment in general.

But then I am selfish, I like to be important in people's lives and get very flustered over the idea of someone wanting to sleep with me the odd time but not liking me enough to want to do it all the time. Why in God's name would they not? Sure I'm lovely.

I was in a casual sex type scenario a while ago (with a girl that I had once liked very much but who hadn't wanted me)and thought to ask why she was bothering since she didn't want to go out with me and didn't really seem to like me very much either - "because I like having sex with you" was her reply, which left me somewhat more flustered, yet quite flattered in a "ooo she must think I'm good at sex" kind of way.

shivkk06

I think casual sex seems to be the in thing at the moment, its all fellas want the want to be able to sleep with who they want when they want with no commitment.

I cant stand casual sex I think there are way too many risks involved and at end of day its just not worth the risk. I also think schools should be doing more to educate the kids cos they have no problem in sleeping with anyone no protection or nothing and dont see anything wrong with this.

SeekUp

shivkk06 wrote: »

I think casual sex seems to be the in thing at the moment, its all fellas want the want to be able to sleep with who they want when they want with no commitment.

It's not just guys at all, some women like the arrangement as well -- as proven here! In fact, I'd guess that since women have become much more open about their sexuality, that they feel the "right" to be able to have sex with whomever they want, just as men have done openly for . . . well . . . quite some time now.

shivkk06 wrote: »

I also think schools should be doing more to educate the kids cos they have no problem in sleeping with anyone no protection or nothing and dont see anything wrong with this.

100% agree with you on this one . . . how on earth can anyone expect kids/teenagers to know the risks if no one tells them? (Half the time, parents don't know all of the facts either . . . )

G86

I don't have a problem with it, but it's not something I'd do, mainly because I know I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone unless I REALLY liked them, and if I liked them that much then I'd end up getting seriously hurt in a fb situation.

Fair play to people (both guys and girls) who can detach emotions from sex, but I just can't do it and I've never done the one night stand thing as a result. I've fooled around with guys I was only seeing casually, but I'd always limit it to that, and even at that it still messed with my head a few times.

Lockstep

Casual sex wouldn't be for me but it's a bit of a interesting concept.

On the one hand, I'm a monogamist and don't get jiggy with people unless I'm seeing them but I do tend to like flexible relationships; ones where we can go a couple of weeks without contacting one another without it affecting anything.

But the idea of casual sex isn't something I'd be into.

Elle Victorine

Would never do it myself because I don't see the point however no problem with other people doing it.

Acacia

Dudess wrote: »

"Each to their own"? Absolutely... as long as they're not hurting anyone else in the process.
My attitude to casual sex: once it involves adequate protection, a degree of respect (i.e. no using, no pretending to be interested in the other person more than physically and raising their hopes, no taking advantage of people who are needy/insecure) and neither party being more emotionally invested than the other, then it's all good.

Damn it, Dudess, you did it again! This was basically what I had to say on the matter, you just put more concisely!:D:P

ladhrann

shellyboo wrote: »

Finally slept with him after about a month and it was a disaster. Everything that could go wrong, did. I was gutted, couldn't continue on with it after that. But ultimately, I knew it would end up becoming a problem between us, so there didn't seem much point in continuing.

So... never again am I being good :P

Again, I don't want to come across as being prurient but I wonder if you'd mind elaborating on this?

As in, was this something that couldn't or wouldn't be worked out even with the best will in the world?

Now when I said previously that the casual sex thing wasn't for me, neither do I have to be in love with someone. After a few dates or getting-to-know-you, if the attraction is there, then it should happen. I have been in a sexless relationship before, so I certainly need to know if someone is compatible with my desires. If only because I cannot change how I am wired, I've tried it, and I'm sure others have as well and know how utterly impossible it is.

Maybe what I'm describing as the way I have or do want to start a relationship is via a friends with benefits route. So in my own utopia, you would meet, engage, have a friendly and sexual relationship (all other things being equal) and be open to a deep and lasting bond opening up.

Anyway sorry for going on, I've been ruminating over this for a while since last relationship and wondering what sort of mental structure to put on things, so I was very interested when the thread was started.

Zee Deveel

Casual sex is probably my favourite thing about being single. No it doesn't always have to end badly, but I think it's important to have some ground rules when you start.

I remember in particular one friend-with-benefits that worked out especially well on the grounds that we were great friends to start with and were both crazy for someone we couldn't have. Hooked up drunkenly one night and it just worked.

Had a number of casual 'relationships' to that effect over the years, and a number of one night stands. No, I cannot remember how many and no it is not something my boyfriend and I talk about. It is not unusual to refer to a former lover in conversation, but we've certainly never compared numbers.

I think it only happened once with me that one of the pair of us (myself and my casual lover) fell for the other, and in that case, it was him for me, so I do take a certain amount of issue with those that say that someone will always fall for the other, and that it's most likely to be the female.

shellyboo

ladhrann wrote: »

Again, I don't want to come across as being prurient but I wonder if you'd mind elaborating on this?

As in, was this something that couldn't or wouldn't be worked out even with the best will in the world?

Yep, it was. It was something that I could have dealt with, but I wouldn't have been happy, or satisifed.

Nevyn

westaway wrote: »

If Irish people decided as part of their civic morality that it is or is'nt then so be it . But ask yourself when your teenage daughter or son start going out or having boyfriends or girlfriends would you be giving them condoms ??

Yes and lube and a whole heap of education on sex and sexuality before they needed the condoms.

Novella wrote: »

Do you think there is such a thing as a person
having had sex with too many people?

No, I do think that there is such a thing as a person having sex with too many people for the wrong reasons, ie I would not have issues with a person who has had sex with 50 people as long as it was respectful of themselves and their partners ( which for me includes safer sex practices ) but I would have an issues with someone who had with 5 people in a way which was destructive and disrespectful to themselves and others.

minidazzler wrote: »

I would prefer never to have children but if I do, the boy, yes I would give him condoms and educate him to not be stupid.

The Girl, I would have a shotgun ready for any fella coming near her. (Sexist but necessary, I know how men think!!!:D)

I really really really hate that double standard, it implies that a boy has more control over themselves and can understand their body and urges and a girl can not. I would say that given how you say you know men think then you should be redoubling such efforts to educate a daughter.

Confab wrote: »

I wonder what the difference between casual and formal sex is.

That is a good one, some see it as sex outside of a certain stand of a relationship, no strings sex it depends on the dynamic between the people invovled.

shellyboo wrote: »

This story makes me sound like a whore, and a shallow one at that, but here goes anyway...

That's only happened to me once, and I vowed never again. Really lovely guy, I decided to hold out on sleeping with him (for once :P) to seei if it made a difference in the guy sticking around, or whatever. Finally slept with him after about a month and it was a disaster. Everything that could go wrong, did. I was gutted, couldn't continue on with it after that. But ultimately, I knew it would end up becoming a problem between us, so there didn't seem much point in continuing.

So... never again am I being good :P

I understand that, sex for me is a big part of a relationship and if that aspect isn't working and can't be worked on due to physical/mental/emotional limitations then it's not going to work out and I'd prefer to know sooner then later, it is about having standards.

Nallandnanyways

shellyboo wrote: »

Yep, it was. It was something that I could have dealt with, but I wouldn't have been happy, or satisifed.

Reading between the lines I understand what youre alluding to there, but from my (male) perspective, I would more-than-likely immediately rule out the possibility of a relationship if a girl invited me home on the first night.

I was out a while ago on a first date and we'd started as a casual coffee/chat scenario (ie: we'd met out some other previous drunken night and I wasnt sure how foggy the beer goggles were, so a quick coffee that either one of could leggit from made sense). Anyway, coffee turned into dinner, into drinks, into dancing and we had a fantastic night. She was funny and engaging and kind and cool and a really smashing girl. And a proper stunner too. So as the night progressed I was thinking, "wow, Ive got lucky here"... but then as we left the club she whispered in my ear that she was going to take me home and do unspeakable things to me. And I just thought.. "Aah b0ll0x!"

Now, Im also a total hypocrite as well, of course, cos Im rather partial to pretty girls doing unspeakable things to me, but as soon as she said it, I just knew I would be proceeding on a casual sex basis.

Oh and by the way, casual sex isnt really casual is it? I mean you both still have to, ya know, turn up. Its not really casual unless youre both sitting there in Sherlock Holmes Deerstalker hats, one of you covered in crisps and the other smoking a Hamlet, or something.

Nevyn

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Reading between the lines I understand what youre alluding to there, but from my (male) perspective, I would more-than-likely immediately rule out the possibility of a relationship if a girl invited me home on the first night.

I was out a while ago on a first date and we'd started as a casual coffee/chat scenario (ie: we'd met out some other previous drunken night and I wasnt sure how foggy the beer goggles were, so a quick coffee that either one of could leggit from made sense). Anyway, coffee turned into dinner, into drinks, into dancing and we had a fantastic night. She was funny and engaging and kind and cool and a really smashing girl. And a proper stunner too. So as the night progressed I was thinking, "wow, Ive got lucky here"... but then as we left the club she whispered in my ear that she was going to take me home and do unspeakable things to me. And I just thought.. "Aah b0ll0x!"

That would piss me off tbh, it wasn't a random pulling in a club it was someone with whom she had spent the day with and a good judge of who you are and then you automatically rule her out as relationship material.

That type of a first date senario is a wonderful way to start off a relationship imho nothing like that magical 24 hours of the afternoon turning to evening to night and then all going well falling asleep exhausted in thier arms.
Two of the best relationships I have been in started off that way

Seems you have a problem with her being confident and knowing what she wants and have used that issue to wipe out all of her 'good' qualities and the excellent day you spent together, seriously your loss.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Now, Im also a total hypocrite as well, of course, cos Im rather partial to pretty girls doing unspeakable things to me, but as soon as she said it, I just knew I would be proceeding on a casual sex basis.

Classic maddona/whore complex.

Zapho

I'm all for the casual sex, but I am a little worried about STDs, or pregnancy.......which I also consider to be an STD.

Raze_them_all

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Reading between the lines I understand what youre alluding to there, but from my (male) perspective, I would more-than-likely immediately rule out the possibility of a relationship if a girl invited me home on the first night.

I was out a while ago on a first date and we'd started as a casual coffee/chat scenario (ie: we'd met out some other previous drunken night and I wasnt sure how foggy the beer goggles were, so a quick coffee that either one of could leggit from made sense). Anyway, coffee turned into dinner, into drinks, into dancing and we had a fantastic night. She was funny and engaging and kind and cool and a really smashing girl. And a proper stunner too. So as the night progressed I was thinking, "wow, Ive got lucky here"... but then as we left the club she whispered in my ear that she was going to take me home and do unspeakable things to me. And I just thought.. "Aah b0ll0x!"

Now, Im also a total hypocrite as well, of course, cos Im rather partial to pretty girls doing unspeakable things to me, but as soon as she said it, I just knew I would be proceeding on a casual sex basis.

Oh and by the way, casual sex isnt really casual is it? I mean you both still have to, ya know, turn up. Its not really casual unless youre both sitting there in Sherlock Holmes Deerstalker hats, one of you covered in crisps and the other smoking a Hamlet, or something.

:eek:So hang on, you freely admit you got lucky and had a smashing night, probably thought of getting lucky, but because she voiced what she wanted you wrote her off?? To you sir you get a wag of the finger not a tip of the hat

( I need to stop watching the colbert report)

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

Classic maddona/whore complex.

Could well be, but it wasn't me that posted it. Freudian thing or myopia? :D

shellyboo

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Reading between the lines I understand what youre alluding to there, but from my (male) perspective, I would more-than-likely immediately rule out the possibility of a relationship if a girl invited me home on the first night.

I'd immediately rule out a relationship with someone who judged me for inviting them home on a first night... so we're all good

Thaedydal wrote: »

I really really really hate that double standard, it implies that a boy has more control over themselves and can understand their body and urges and a girl can not. I would say that given how you say you know men think then you should be redoubling such efforts to educate a daughter.

How do you feel about it though, do you find yourself naturally more protective of one over the other? If you don't mind me asking!

ciagr297

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

She was funny and engaging and kind and cool and a really smashing girl. And a proper stunner too. So as the night progressed I was thinking, "wow, Ive got lucky here"... but then as we left the club she whispered in my ear that she was going to take me home and do unspeakable things to me. And I just thought.. "Aah b0ll0x!"

Now, Im also a total hypocrite as well, of course, cos Im rather partial to pretty girls doing unspeakable things to me, but as soon as she said it, I just knew I would be proceeding on a casual sex basis.

its this type of male behaviour that irritates me....."its ok for you to be yourself as long as you don't act like yourself and be honest about what you want"

confusing eh?

it says more about you than her.
you really had no interest in her as girlfriend material at all and you were trying to justify taking advantage.

you should have been honest with her, been real nice about her advances and let her know you wanted to see her again before going any further

that is, if you were actually interested

your loss, not hers

Manic Moran

I really really really hate that double standard, it implies that a boy has more control over themselves and can understand their body and urges and a girl can not.

As the recent song by Rodney Atkins says, "it's just a daddy thing." I'd be doing the same thing, except I'll have a semi-auto rifle on display, not a shotgun.

Actually, I must try to find the video for that one.

NTM

SeekUp

Thaedydal wrote: »

That would piss me off tbh, it wasn't a random pulling in a club it was someone with whom she had spent the day with and a good judge of who you are and then you automatically rule her out as relationship material.

That type of a first date senario is a wonderful way to start off a relationship imho nothing like that magical 24 hours of the afternoon turning to evening to night and then all going well falling asleep exhausted in thier arms.
Two of the best relationships I have been in started off that way

+1

If it's crap, people complain. If it's too good, people complain. Wtf!

Nallandnanyways

Thaedydal wrote: »

Seems you have a problem with her being confident and knowing what she wants and have used that issue to wipe out all of her 'good' qualities and the excellent day you spent together, seriously your loss.

Seems you have applied one potential reason for why I might react like that (ie: strong woman/weak man) because it appeals to your own gender agenda.

I find confident, empowered women very attractive indeed and wouldnt be able to sustain a mutually beneficial relationship with a lady who wasn't strong, capable and assertive.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Classic maddona/whore complex.

As for this..? Haha.. Frankly if it wasnt so reaching it would be a little offensive. Are you so qualified in clinical psychology as to be able to assess my relationship with my mother on the basis of a couple of sentences?

@ciagr: Quite the contrary, I DID have interest in her from a potential g/f perspective. I had been single a while and was happy to explore the possibility of another relationship, and yes, she ticked a lot of the boxes up til that point. For me though, and Im not saying Im right, and I know this isnt going to be popular sentiment, but for me.. there are so many girls out there who will take you home/come home with you after a few hours. I wasnt/am not looking for that. I am looking for a girl who will be happy to wait a little longer til we know each other better. Im not saying another mind-set/approach is wrong, Im just saying, in the general scheme of things it would probably undermine my view of a girl from a longer term perspective if she was going to "put out" so soon.

@shellyboo: "I'd immediately rule out a relationship with someone who judged me for inviting them home on a first night... so we're all good "

Yep, clearly we're not compatible. But Im only expressing my view (which youll find a lot of guys would share), not attacking your values.

@raze_them_all: "but because she voiced what she wanted you wrote her off??"

Yeah, but not cos she voiced it; because she offered it. If she'd said, "we had a great time, I like you, yadda yadda... Id love to take you home, but lets not rush it, can I see you tomorrow/the next day/whenever", Idve been delighted. Maybe Im just a weirdo :P

scanlas

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Reading between the lines I understand what youre alluding to there, but from my (male) perspective, I would more-than-likely immediately rule out the possibility of a relationship if a girl invited me home on the first night.

I was out a while ago on a first date and we'd started as a casual coffee/chat scenario (ie: we'd met out some other previous drunken night and I wasnt sure how foggy the beer goggles were, so a quick coffee that either one of could leggit from made sense). Anyway, coffee turned into dinner, into drinks, into dancing and we had a fantastic night. She was funny and engaging and kind and cool and a really smashing girl. And a proper stunner too. So as the night progressed I was thinking, "wow, Ive got lucky here"... but then as we left the club she whispered in my ear that she was going to take me home and do unspeakable things to me. And I just thought.. "Aah b0ll0x!"

Now, Im also a total hypocrite as well, of course, cos Im rather partial to pretty girls doing unspeakable things to me, but as soon as she said it, I just knew I would be proceeding on a casual sex basis.

Oh and by the way, casual sex isnt really casual is it? I mean you both still have to, ya know, turn up. Its not really casual unless youre both sitting there in Sherlock Holmes Deerstalker hats, one of you covered in crisps and the other smoking a Hamlet, or something.

It's attitudes like this from men that contribute to male sexual frustration. I'd surmise also you wouldn't want a relationship with a woman who has had sex with lots of men.

Manic Moran

I would more-than-likely immediately rule out the possibility of a relationship if a girl invited me home on the first night.

Sit down there, lad(')s, and let me tell yez a story.

A whiles back, my class at the Maneuver Captain's Career Course went on a staff ride (Sortof an excuse for an out-of-town piss-up, but you have to check out a battlefield and analyse the battle first) to Franklin, TN. Right next to Nashville. Of course, you can imagine where we went drinking. (Side note: Nashville is a hell of a good party town. Excellent variety of stuff, and less Country than I had expected. I should return). Of the twelve of us that were out and about, only one was at the time unmarried or not in a relationship. The man had eleven dedicated wingmen that evening. Our mission, whether he chose to accept it or not, was to get him laid. Of course, with the cream of the US Army's officer corps on the job, we were spectacularly successful. The lass even lived within reasonable distance of Fort Knox. Job done.

At the end of the course, there's a big formal do. Dress uniforms, bow ties, bring your date to dinner sort of thing. Of course, we were expecting our formerly chaste colleague to bring along the lass he hooked up with in Nashville. It turned out that he was shunning her. Not returning the calls, not going up the road to visit, basically popping smoke and breaking contact. We asked 'why?' She seemed a fair catch. He said that he had no interest in a relationship with someone he slept with on the evening he met her, just wasn't the sort of woman he was looking for. We pointed out that this was the height of hypocrisy: Judging someone else for the exact same act he did.
He just shrugged.

To my knowledge, he's still single.

NTM

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

Could well be, but it wasn't me that posted it. Freudian thing or myopia? :D

I don't know what you are on about. :P

Nallandnanyways

scanlas wrote: »

It's attitudes like this from men that contribute to male sexual frustration.

Youre going to have to give me a little more of a segué

scanlas wrote: »

I'd surmise also you wouldn't want a relationship with a woman who has had sex with lots of men.

Not necessarily so, no. Ive probably had a high number of partners as well. Im not judging someone based on their past. If it was consensual, protected, legal, respectful etc, then who am I to judge. Insofar as a woman that I would be considering a relationship with though, if she thought one of the first steps to building that relationship was to knock boots within hours of meeting (whether that be to assess sexual compatibility or in a more needy attempt to win favour.. or maybe she's just horny and fancies a shag.. ), then she probably wouldnt be my type of girl. Each to their own, I guess.

Nevyn

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Seems you have applied one potential reason for why I might react like that (ie: strong woman/weak man) because it appeals to your own gender agenda.

Nope

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

I find confident, empowered women very attractive indeed and wouldnt be able to sustain a mutually beneficial relationship with a lady who wasn't strong, capable and assertive.

Good for you, always a good thing to know what you want.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

As for this..? Haha.. Frankly if it wasnt so reaching it would be a little offensive. Are you so qualified in clinical psychology as to be able to assess my relationship with my mother on the basis of a couple of sentences?

If you are insulted report he post and let the mods of this forum deal with it.
I wasn't referencing yore ma, merely the fact you put the lady in question up on a pedestal but it took very little to lower her completely in your estimation and fair enough different people have different reasons which rule out a person from being relationship material but I honestly do think you are cutting your nose of despite your face.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

@ciagr: Quite the contrary, I DID have interest in her from a potential g/f perspective. I had been single a while and was happy to explore the possibility of another relationship, and yes, she ticked a lot of the boxes up til that point. For me though, and Im not saying Im right, and I know this isnt going to be popular sentiment, but for me.. there are so many girls out there who will take you home/come home with you after a few hours. I wasnt/am not looking for that. I am looking for a girl who will be happy to wait a little longer til we know each other better. Im not saying another mind-set/approach is wrong, Im just saying, in the general scheme of things it would probably undermine my view of a girl from a longer term perspective if she was going to "put out" so soon.

Seems like you take that as an indicator of low self respect and self worth.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Yeah, but not cos she voiced it; because she offered it. If she'd said, "we had a great time, I like you, yadda yadda... Id love to take you home, but lets not rush it, can I see you tomorrow/the next day/whenever", Idve been delighted. Maybe Im just a weirdo :P

Well why didn't you tell her you'd like to wait and see how that went down and how things would have went from there.

shellyboo

It just makes no sense, nallandanyways. You want the girl to want to sleep with you, but not to say so right away? Wait some indeterminate length of time til YOU deem it ok? Ugh. Too much like effort for me, tbh.

Nallandnanyways

Thaedydal wrote: »

If you are insulted report he post and let the mods of this forum deal with it.
I wasn't referencing yore ma, merely the fact you put the lady in question up on a pedestal but it took very little to lower her completely in your estimation and fair enough different people have different reasons which rule out a person from being relationship material but I honestly do think you are cutting your nose of despite your face.

I didnt say I was insulted, it would take a little more than that. What I said was, if your peurile "classic madonna-whore complex" comment hadnt been so superciliously, pseudointellectually reaching, it might have been offensive.

Secondly, I didnt "put her on a pedestal from which she was lowered very easily". Deal with what I said as opposed to some perceived gender-equality battle you wish to fight.

Yes, everyone has different standards as to what is acceptable/desirable in a potential mate/partner, and yes, one of my criteria is that I would prefer a potential girlfriend not to be whipping them off a few hours after we meet. I have already clearly stated that I am neither judging people with a different approach, nor in the belief that I am correct. However, if you think I am in the minority amongst men, you are on crack.

And finally, Thaedydal, yes, you were referencing my maternal relationship... unless of course your understanding of Madonna-Whore pyschology is different to mine.. and Freud's.

Nallandnanyways

shellyboo wrote: »

It just makes no sense, nallandanyways. You want the girl to want to sleep with you, but not to say so right away? Wait some indeterminate length of time til YOU deem it ok? Ugh. Too much like effort for me, tbh.

:P nope, not at all shellyboo. Of course sexual compatiility is a (hugely!) important factor in any successful relationship and Im not suggesting you should wait to investigate that part of the equation til after youve been on 43 dates and met both her parents and her Aunty Vera. Nor am I suggesting for a second that it is MY prerogative to determine when that happens. Alllll Im saying is, if you both feel a connection (beyond "Im gonna make your toes curl!") and you would like to pursue something more meaningful, what harm in waiting a couple of dates before you bump uglies? Thats all.

Micky Dolenz

You want to feel special right? like she has waited all her life for you.

Some people I click with and sex leads to some wonderfull places.
Some people I don't click with but the sex is good none the less.
we won't marry ever person we meet.

You will never know unless you keep your eyes and mind open.

SeekUp

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Yes, everyone has different standards as to what is acceptable/desirable in a potential mate/partner, and yes, one of my criteria is that I would prefer a potential girlfriend not to be whipping them off a few hours after we meet.

Awww, don't mean to gang up on you here . . . but you had met before, correct? At a night out? And then went out again (sober) for coffee, etc?

Nevyn

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

I didnt say I was insulted, it would take a little more than that. What I said was, if your peurile "classic madonna-whore complex" comment hadnt been so superciliously, pseudointellectually reaching, it might have been offensive.

Again if you have an issue with my posts report them ( as I have yours ) instead of posting in such an antagonistic fashion.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Secondly, I didnt "put her on a pedestal from which she was lowered very easily". Deal with what I said as opposed to some perceived gender-equality battle you wish to fight.

I do think double standards are stupid esp those to do with gender and sexuality and I will say so but I am not looking for a fight.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

Yes, everyone has different standards as to what is acceptable/desirable in a potential mate/partner, and yes, one of my criteria is that I would prefer a potential girlfriend not to be whipping them off a few hours after we meet. I have already clearly stated that I am neither judging people with a different approach, nor in the belief that I am correct.

I understand that but I still think that if a person seems perfect in every other way that you may be cutting your nose of despite your face.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

if you think I am in the minority amongst men,

I think that there are a lot of young men who feel this way and have not put much if not any thought or consideration into why they have such a default standard and do not examine where that attitude stems from.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

And finally, Thaedydal, yes, you were referencing my maternal relationship... unless of course your understanding of Madonna-Whore pyschology is different to mine.. and Freud's.

Reducing it to a case of Yore Ma is silly as you would well know if you are so well versed on that hang up.

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

:P nope, not at all shellyboo. Of course sexual compatiility is a (hugely!) important factor in any successful relationship and Im not suggesting you should wait to investigate that part of the equation til after youve been on 43 dates and met both her parents and her Aunty Vera. Nor am I suggesting for a second that it is MY prerogative to determine when that happens. Alllll Im saying is, if you both feel a connection (beyond "Im gonna make your toes curl!") and you would like to pursue something more meaningful, what harm in waiting a couple of dates before you bump uglies? Thats all.

There is no harm in it at all but I don't agree in artificial standards I think that the 3rd date rule as ridiculous as ruling out a relationship with someone because they wish enguage in physical intimacy after having spent the day on such a wonderful bonding date.

shellyboo

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

:P nope, not at all shellyboo. Of course sexual compatiility is a (hugely!) important factor in any successful relationship and Im not suggesting you should wait to investigate that part of the equation til after youve been on 43 dates and met both her parents and her Aunty Vera. Nor am I suggesting for a second that it is MY prerogative to determine when that happens. Alllll Im saying is, if you both feel a connection (beyond "Im gonna make your toes curl!") and you would like to pursue something more meaningful, what harm in waiting a couple of dates before you bump uglies? Thats all.

Well, you ARE saying it's your prerogative, because you're ruling it out on the first night. So you're determining when it DOESN'T happen... and therefore determining when it does.

And ok, what harm in waiting... but where's the harm in not waiting? Honestly. If you don't see it as a reflection on their character, then... what's the point?

Either it matters, or it doesn't.



I have no problem with wanting to wait. I do have a problem with ruling someone out because they don't want to wait. And I have a massive problem with the double standard inherent in eliminating a girl as a possible partner because she slept with you on the first date.

Novella

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

:P nope, not at all shellyboo. Of course sexual compatiility is a (hugely!) important factor in any successful relationship and Im not suggesting you should wait to investigate that part of the equation til after youve been on 43 dates and met both her parents and her Aunty Vera. Nor am I suggesting for a second that it is MY prerogative to determine when that happens. Alllll Im saying is, if you both feel a connection (beyond "Im gonna make your toes curl!") and you would like to pursue something more meaningful, what harm in waiting a couple of dates before you bump uglies? Thats all.

What harm in not waiting?! Do you think that because you have sex first you then can't pursue something more meaningful?

Also, you clearly are saying it's your prerogative because when she made it hers by saying she wanted to take you home, you thought it was unsuitable or whatever, given that you had just met.

Xiney

Nallandnanyways wrote: »

you are on crack

Less of this. Less agro.

OksanaLV

Maddison wrote: »

Ok, here goes....I have been there done that...I have done the one night stands(I have never been drunk enough to not know what I was doing do therefor know that when I have had them I have taken every precaution against STD's/STI's) I have also have had the f*ck buddies....in my experience I feel that with f*ck buddies there is more of a risk of getting emotionally involved..with f*ck buddies you would have some sort of relationship with the person(well I couldnt regularly be with someone without knowing them quite well). With the ONS you meet, you do what you have to do & you leave...no need for anything else(as long as your not stupid with regards to protection/contraception) so therefor your getting your physical needs taken care of. I always thought that Samantha from SATC had it all sussed but I suppose as Ive gotten older Ive realised that I personally couldnt sleep with someone I know without feeing something for them on a level thats more than just sexual.I think that women(and remember this is just an opinion) unless just picking up some random guy, Its quite difficult to separate the sexual from the emotional. The only reason I say this is before I met my current partner I had f*ck buddies but there was always that whole ''whos feeling what"behind it.

Been there, done that too. Up to the age of 24 I was only with 2 guys, both in long term relationships. However last one we broke up badly and I decided a change of scenery would be the best so I came here to Ireland whch i did 2 years ago. After a few months I let my hair down and lived life which I felt I had not done until now. Yes I had a number of night stands and I enjoyed them as the sex was enjoyable and without the relationship or emotional baggage that I did not want at the time. But last year I decidded to change and I met my current boyfriend and everything is going really well. We are engaged.

In short, enjoy the casual sex. I certainly did.

Berkeley

I think this thread could go on all day....I get what you say Shellyboo....just hope you are not bombarded with loads of pervs lol

shellyboo

Berkeley wrote: »

I think this thread could go on all day....I get what you say Shellyboo....just hope you are not bombarded with loads of pervs lol

Too late!