confused, terrified, lonely... the usual

LegacyUser

Well it's a bit obvious why I'm here I guess. I think I'm gay or at least bisexual (am female) and the older I've gotten the more scary this reality seems.

It feels to me like being sexually confused in your teens is seen as acceptable. Right.. I'm kind of afraid that when I say this I'll be taken up wrong... but I feel like being gay is only really truly accepted by part of society and a smaller part than admits it.

My brother is in a lot of respects a fairly layed back guy and I love him to bits and he's one of the most important people to me. He's got modern enough ideas about a lot of other things. He's an athiest... so it's not a religious issue. I just feel like he'd be so completely weirded out if I told him that I actually think I'm a lesbian and it would change our relationship forever and distance us. I know in one way there is a distance there that won't be bridged as long as I keep this part of me from him but I'm afraid telling him would create more distance than closeness.

I feel kind of torn up because I feel I can't become any more sure than I am without exploring this and I feel I can't explore this until I'm more sure. I don't want to hurt anyone by having made a mistake. I don't want to hurt anyone by being afraid. Nor do I want to hurt any exboyfriends that I'm still on good terms with by coming out. And even if I wasn't out out... even if I only told some close friends and persuaded them to take me to the likes of the front lounge to meet people (not rush into anything...just get out there and wrap my head around this) it's just dublin is so small in a lot of ways and okay I feel like I know. I feel like I';ve been in denial. There is something of an exhale in even typing this.

I don't know. I just don't know where to go at this point. My social circle is small. I think I want to meet other women. I know that no one likes the confused new girl. It irritates me seeing women playing up to men making out with each other just to get the guys going. I feel embarrassed and even a little angry that women have tried to use me that way.

The first time I found out a woman I liked actually liked women too I d was so surprised and afraid of being found out that the shock on my face must've made her think I was a homophobe. It didn't help that it was a work party, I'd drank too much because I was nervous around her and that I thought her girlfriend seemed ridiculously sound too. I was so ashamed after that that I didn't say anything to anyone about me attraction to women for a very long time after that. I don't work there anymore.I guess I'm just afraid that people will see me hugely differently after this. Like it'll be the first thing they think about me. LIke I'll become a lesbian instead of a person to people. Like i'll be a handful of stereotypes instead of an individual, like people will talk about me as if it's actually something to gossip about or worth gossiping about. I hope I haven't stepped on anyones toes by expressing my fears or writing any of this. I'm just so bloodly lost and feel so alone in my head right now and need to know if any of this sounds familiar to anyone at all.

thanks to anyone who's read all this. I know it's a lot and very ranty. Any advice would be appreciated.I'm just so stupidly clueless right now. Thank you

Dinxminx

I'm quite close to my brother and over the years I just dropped a few subtle hints until one day while out on a walk he just turned and asked me "So would you consider yourself lesbian or bisexual?" I answered him truthfully and we haven't really discussed it since. There's not really any need, to be honest. I know that he loves me and I don't think my sexuality could ever affect that.

Unregistered wrote: »

I know that no one likes the confused new girl. It irritates me seeing women playing up to men making out with each other just to get the guys going. I feel embarrassed and even a little angry that women have tried to use me that way.

I know exactly what you mean. That's been a worry of mine as well and there have been times when I have so frustrated by girls trying to get attention...

Dwn Wth Vwls

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel kind of torn up because I feel I can't become any more sure than I am without exploring this and I feel I can't explore this until I'm more sure. I don't want to hurt anyone by having made a mistake. I don't want to hurt anyone by being afraid. Nor do I want to hurt any exboyfriends that I'm still on good terms with by coming out.

Labels are not important. It sounds like you know that you're attracted to women, that's the main point here. Accepting the reality of that is the first hurdle and you really need to let it sink in and even appreciate it. You like what you like, and you should enjoy it.

You can't control other peoples' feelings, and you can't live your life tip-toeing around in case someone gets hurt about something. If you're open and honest and take things slowly, nobody has any reason to be hurt. A first date is not a marriage proposal. Ex-boyfriends are ex for a reason, it's in the past. Whatever you had is over, and what happens in the future doesn't change any of it. You still had exactly the same good times and bad times. Anybody who genuinely cares for you at all wants you to be happy.

You might find this group useful: http://dublinlesbianline.ie/comingout.html

MeryKate

Reading your post was a big relief for me, I'm sort of in the same boat and it was nice to see I'm not alone. I'm 28 and think I might be bisexual. I only got married a year ago, I really love my husband and am still attracted to him but can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be with a girl. I'm not sure how my husband would react and I don't want to hurt him. I passed my feelings off as 'a stage' and told myself it would go away if I ignored it.

That was quite some time ago and nothing's changed. It's completely wrecking my head and I can't talk to my friends about it as they are not very open minded and I don't think they would ever speak to me again if I even mentioned it.

lycopodium123

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel kind of torn up because I feel I can't become any more sure than I am without exploring this and I feel I can't explore this until I'm more sure. I don't want to hurt anyone by having made a mistake. I don't want to hurt anyone by being afraid. Nor do I want to hurt any exboyfriends that I'm still on good terms with by coming out.

what about your own feelings tho? Are you not hurting yourself by denying yourself what you want?
This might sound harsh, but at this stage, most of your close friends and family may have already guessed and are just waiting for you to say it.

In my experience, I've never had a negative reaction, nor has anyone I know and even tho coming out seems really really really hard and really scary, people around you love you for who you are - not for who you choose to sleep with cos at the end of the day, you're still the same person! It's none of anyone's business what anyone else does under the covers - gay or straight.

It gets easier....

Dwn Wth Vwls

MeryKate wrote: »

I'm not sure how my husband would react and I don't want to hurt him. I passed my feelings off as 'a stage' and told myself it would go away if I ignored it.

That was quite some time ago and nothing's changed. It's completely wrecking my head

I waited around for a lot of years expecting something to change, but it really doesn't. If you're truly bi, then chances are you're always going to be bi. I really think you should find a way to tell your husband as soon as possible. Even if you start by passing it off as something less than it is, e.g. commenting on a woman in a TV show.

Keeping a secret like that is going to eat you up inside, and the longer it goes on the worse it will get. Also the longer it goes on, the more your husband will feel like you've been lying to him. You don't want to be one of those people who ends up having an affair out of desperation either.

Jessibelle

Unfortunately many people are confused about female bisexuality, largely cause they have the common picture that society has of female bisexuals: crazy girls that will have sex with anyone after a couple of drinks. I've found some girls I've dated have assumed I'm going through a 'phase' and some guy's I've dated assuming that I'm just mad for a threesome because of it. Not all though, same as everywhere.
I agree with Dwn Wth Vwls that keeping it a secret is going to eat you up inside, and the longer it goes on the worse it will get. It's nearly like trying to ignore it makes it into a far bigger thing than it actually is? That doesn't mean it has to be something you tell everyone, (in fairness I think peoples sexuality is their own business, and you love who you love for as long as you love them), but it does affect your relationship with your husband so it should be something that you consider telling him.

a-ha

I am a 28 year old bisexual woman also. I have recently come out to my mum and my friends. I am getting involved where possible in campaigns for LGBT equality. You should not feel threatened by what you are. Everything is much easier once you accept yourself. Love yourself. It takes strength to be you but one day it will be easier.

Get involved in forums, seek advice. I'd really recommend afterellen.com. It's a great way to express yourself in an anonymous/private way until you feel comfortable being open to at least one or two other people.

Having no one to talk to about yourself is the hardest part. It is isolating. I have encountered nothing but support from other women in the LGBT community. Sexuality is a complicated thing, we don't all have an intuition about who we are at an early age. I experienced same sex attraction over a long period of time, but it was only when I began to fall for another woman that I recognised these feelings for what they are. Get out there. I promise you it is not scary. It's liberating, there's nothing more satisfying, nor any relief greater than being yourself and being comfortable with that.

Know thyself and to thine own self be true.

MeryKate

a-ha wrote: »

Having no one to talk to about yourself is the hardest part. It is isolating. I have encountered nothing but support from other women in the LGBT community. Sexuality is a complicated thing, we don't all have an intuition about who we are at an early age. I experienced same sex attraction over a long period of time, but it was only when I began to fall for another woman that I recognised these feelings for what they are. Get out there.

Thank you everyone for your honest and helpful advice, it's the first time I've talked about or even acknowledged how I feel and I wasn't sure what to expect. I really admire all of you for being so comfortable with your feelings and telling your friends and family, it shows a lot courage because I know I feel terrified. I agree that I should tell my husband it's just not easy, he's quite laid back about a lot of things but I'm not sure if this will be one of them. We've been together for years so he thinks he knows everything about me and I can't help but feel it's going to be an awful shock for him.

I only have one friend who's a girl and she's very homophobic, we were watching TV and there were two girls kissing and she went on a rant about how disgusting and unnatural it was, luckily I managed to change the subject without her noticing how uncomfortable her comments made feel. When it comes to getting out there I'm not really sure where 'there' is, most of my friends are guys so my social scene really revolves around local pubs and sometimes gigs in town.

LegacyUser

op, I'm in the same boat (though I suspect I'm a little younger).

My pride and I guess a member of my family's homophobia has gotten in the way of me ever so much as kissing a girl. Came damned close to kissing one this summer but ended up getting with someone else... Well actually, on my birthday I got lots of pecks on the lips from boys and girls! (Pity I was a bit out of it and can't remember it much)

It's not that great a feeling really, wondering and agonising over it but not having worked up the courage to go do something about it... Just wanted to say you're not alone feeling like this as there's no real advice I can give you (unless you wanted to meet up with me haha)