Boyfriend needs counselling but won't go

jane k

My boyfriend was adopted but nothing was ever official. Apparently this 'illegal' adoption was/is very popular in Ireland. He's really stressed but won't aknowledge that this is the cause of any of his problems. We've been going out a long time and I'd like to think I am a very supportive person but he won't open up to me.

Recenltly, he's been getting very angry and nasty about people and has had panic attacks. Sometimes he is aggressive, jealous and very possessive with me. He finds all sorts of excuses for his behaviour but he was never like that before he found he was unofficially adopted. I've tried to convince him to go to counselling but he says there's no way he'll go. He point blank refuses and shuts me out when I bring it up.

I love him and don't want to abandon him but if he won't get help or talk, what can I do? I just can't continue to be in a relationship where I'm treated this way. We are both in our twenties.

Any comments on what I should do or how to encourage him to go to counselling would be very helpful.

Fairdues

Perhaps show him this thread? Sometimes when people read things, it can be better when the words are on paper.

Fairdues

Only you know how is likely to react.

herya

jane k wrote: »

I love him and don't want to abandon him but if he won't get help or talk, what can I do? I just can't continue to be in a relationship where I'm treated this way. We are both in our twenties.

Any comments on what I should do or how to encourage him to go to counselling would be very helpful.

Do you know anyone who actually went counseling and could talk to your boyfriend about their experience? He may have a bad image of counseling while in fact it is a deeply helpful experience which brings relief in pain or trouble. Maybe he needs to hear from another person what it's really like and how it helped.

jane k

I went to beareavement counselling a few years ago and I tried talk to him but he just shuts me out.

I'm not sure how he'll react if I show him the thread but I need to try something.

Someone suggested that I tell him I'll leave him if he doesn't get professional help - Is this ultimatium the way to go?

jane k

And thanks for suggestions and replies

kathy finn

im sorry but he has to admit to having a problem before he can fix it, nobody can force him into counselling unless he wants it.
what i would suggest is that he talks to other adopted people, my husband is very supportive but i much prefer to talk to other adoptees about what i feel only they can understand.
i know bernardos run meetings and i think there is an adoption meeting coming up in dublin(shane or martin might be able to help their).
don,t tell him your leaving him that would be the worst thing you could do because adoptees push people away and expect them to leave them, if our mothers did,nt want us we expect other people to walk out too.
stick with him it will get better as he sorts it all out in his mind and you know we hurt the people were closest too.
good luck...kathy

martinf

Hi,

I'd agree with Kathy that pushing him into a corner with the threat of leaving him isn't the answer. It is definitely an issue that he'll have to decide to deal with himself, hopefully with your support but it will have to be in his own time. At the same time there's no excuse for unacceptable behaviour if it continues over a long period - this might be a way of broaching the subject. I think you'd be within your rights to dicuss how he's behaving and making it clear that he can't continue the way things are going. Hopefully this may make him look at his behaviour. As a matter of interest how did he find out about his adoption.

There is a meeting for people affected by adoption in Jury's Hotel Parnell Street Dublin at 2pm on 29th August. There seems to be quite a few people going and I'm sure he'd be welcome there.

best wishes

Martin

Best wishes

Martin

kathy finn

hi try to get him to come along to the meeting but don,t push, adoption is no excuse for bad behaviour and it,s just another part of our lifes its when we let it takeover that the problems start...kathy

lin lin

i think those meetings are a good idea.

does he have a gp? if he refuses to go to councelling maybe he would be more comfortable talking to his gp, if he has one he knows well? a good gp could help a lot i'd say and could convince him to go to councelling. and if it's so bad that he has panic attacks, on top of this affecting his relationships, he could benefit from some medication as well, it would help him and ensure that he doesn't get worse

Kay09

martinf wrote: »

There is a meeting for people affected by adoption in Jury's Hotel Parnell Street Dublin at 2pm on 29th August.

Hi Martin,
Was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about this meeting, who runs it, how do I find out more information about it, and can anybody just show up? I have a friend who I think would benefit from attending.

Thanks very much

martinf

Hi Kay09,

The meetings are organised by a lady named Collette who I haven't met yet as i haven't had a chance to go to one yet. I believe they are open to anyone affcted by adoption. You can contact her directly I believe from her email address which is on the Dublin meetings page of www.adoption.ie - (I don't want to post it on an open forum). She can probably tell you most about what the meetings are like.

Best wishes

Martin

Hi Martin,
Was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about this meeting, who runs it, how do I find out more information about it, and can anybody just show up? I have a friend who I think would benefit from attending.

Thanks very much