chubby girlfriend

LegacyUser

i have been going out with my gf for 4 months now and its going really well.we get on and have aot in common.i like her alot but there is one thing thats stopping me from falling in love with her and now sometimes i see her i think of breaking up.it s killing me.basically when i met her she was a little chubby and since then she has gained some more weight. with every little bit of weight she gains the less i see that beautifull girl that i want to fall in love with.she even said jokingily she might gain a ''winter coat'' in the coming months. im not superfical but i cant help how i feel.i dont want to go out with a girl how keeps gaining weight.(controversial) basically if i say something like ''babe i think your getting fat could you lose some weight as you have an amazing frame'' sureily she will just dump me.if i dont say anything i will end up dumping her. any advice as i do really want to be with her.

Lucyx

I totally hear what you're saying. I think some people may come down on you hard for this so be warned!!

If I were you I'd say to her that you're thinking of getting into exercising more and would she like to join you so that she'd be there with you for the company blah blah. I think this is the only way around it tbh. Its still bright til 9pm so you have that time in the evening. And start eating healthier to.

Do you exercise yourself at all at the moment? That winter coat comment would put me right off. Surely she wants to appear sexy to you and that aint sexy! Having said that though, you have to thread very carefully with this.

schumacher

I think its unfair to suggest to her to lose weight. She could develop issues with her weight down the line. Maybe you could help her lose weight without actually telling her to lose it i.e go fr walks with her, eat more healthy around her so she might follow too. This might not work though. If that fails then maybe just dump her. You can then find someone thinner and she can find someone who wont mind her being chubby.

R.D. aka MR.D

What did you say when she said she was going to gain a winter coat?

She obviously knows she is getting fatter.

I think you have two options:

1. Dump her, go out with some one you are attracted to

or

2. Suggest gently that she lose weight, like start eating healthy yourself and exercising. Or if she mentions something like the winter coat comment- say oh have you ever tried any of those wight watchers things or anything? I hear they're good for keeping you healthy. (but in a NICE way!) concentrate on the health aspect not the attractiveness aspect.

Chucky the tree

Unregistered wrote: »

''babe i think your getting fat could you lose some weight as you have an amazing frame''

If you're going to say it like that make sure you're wearing a cup when you do. First I'd try the whole healthy living and see if she joins. There lots of ways you can subtle get her to excercise, maybe suggest a nice walk in the park a few nights, or go for a stroll on the beach during the weekends. Another one is some gyms do a 2 for 1 sign up deal so you could say you want to join and gym and ask her to sign up with you. If all that fails I'd just come out and say her weight is making you feel less attracted to her, whatever you do don't use the word "fat" though.

beks101

Eek. Tread carefully my friend. Weight is a sensitive subject for many, actually most women in my experience and what's a 'lighthearted' and good-natured comment to you may well be an insensitive and hurtful remark to her that she'll never be able to forget.

But you can't argue with the laws of attraction and if this is having a serious impact on your attraction for her, it's time for action. Safest approach is to go with the focus on health - tell her you're going to try and get fitter and healthier, or if you already are, include her in your routine. Cook dinner for her and make it healthy, go for walks together, suggest you go to the gym together...I know in the past watching someone close to me making a concerted effort to shape up like this has been catching and has made me want to do the same - but that's the crunch: she needs to want to lose the weight for herself.

If you do this and it's not happening, well then you need to consider whether her being overweight is something you can get past or if it's time to call it a day.

Novella

I dunno, this is a pretty tricky situation. Personally, I have major weight issues (not that I'm big or anything, I'm a size 8-10!) but I know when I've put on weight and it's usually when I'm feeling down. Maybe this could be the case with your gf? Is there an underlying problem here?

Other than that, if she knows she's put on weight but doesn't seem bothered about it (the winter coat comment etc) then realistically, I do think you'd be better off saying it to her because you say you want to be with her but fear you will dump her if things continue like this.

I wouldn't come straight out and say "Hey babe, you've put on a lot of weight so I dunno if I can love you anymore", that's a bit harsh! As someone has suggested, try include her in an exercise routine, go walking together or whatever. Also, try to avoid coupley nights in infront of the tv with a takeaway! Nothing wrong with cuddling up with a movie, obviously but avoid the snacks! I always found that caused me to put on weight.

Lastly, women in relationships can sometimes get just a wee bit too comfortable and pile on a few pounds 'cause they don't need to go out and attract a man anymore so perhaps if you spiced things up in the bedroom, maybe, she'd be more inclined to stay in shape. I am not making that comment to say that there is anything wrong with your sex life, in case you take that up wrong!

Hope everything goes well

Bottle_of_Smoke

schumacher wrote: »

I think its unfair to suggest to her to lose weight. She could develop issues with her weight down the line. Maybe you could help her lose weight without actually telling her to lose it i.e go fr walks with her, eat more healthy around her so she might follow too. This might not work though. If that fails then maybe just dump her. You can then find someone thinner and she can find someone who wont mind her being chubby.

I think its unfair to not suggest it. She could develop heart disease or type 2 diabetes down the line.

People are really lazy about their weight in the western world, its sickening. You're not going to get over this and if you let it slide now she'll just get bigger and bigger. Tell her you find slim women attractive and its affecting your relationship. Going for walks does not lose weight. You have to diet and/or do real exercise. Eating healthily around her won't make a difference either, she'l just double up on cakes when you're not around because "she was good earlier"

Bite the bullet, don't worry about hurting her in the short term, people need to realise this is an area where you need to be cruel to be kind.

Trail_Blazer

You said "I'm not superficial, but I can't help how I feel".

Well since you can't change (or won't?) change how you feel, clearly you ARE a superficial person to some degree. Attraction has a good amount to do with whether you're into someone, I won't argue that.

But saying "I can't fall in love with someone who's fat" is just silly in my opinion. If you TRULY care for the person, you wouldn't consider leaving as an option, and would do your best to try and help her lose weight more for her actual health and less for your own satisfaction.

The Sweeper

I think it depends on how big she actually is.

If she's tall and a size 8, referring to a 'winter coat' as a move upward to a size 10, then you're kidding yourself.

If she's a size 16 turning into a size 18, then she genuinely needs to lose the weight for her health.

snowy2008

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

You said "I'm not superficial, but I can't help how I feel".

Well since you can't change (or won't?) change how you feel, clearly you ARE a superficial person to some degree. Attraction has a good amount to do with whether you're into someone, I won't argue that.

But saying "I can't fall in love with someone who's fat" is just silly in my opinion. If you TRULY care for the person, you wouldn't consider leaving as an option, and would do your best to try and help her lose weight more for her actual health and less for your own satisfaction.

+1

Yes, i definatly think you should finish with her because your obviously as shallow as a puddle, seriously like, what positives would come out of telling her shes fat, do you realise how hurtful that would be, lets put it this way, if she said you had a tiny willy but its ok you can get an enlargement done, would you not be a little offended?

Beetlebum

teresa2008 wrote: »

+1

Yes, i definatly think you should finish with her because your obviously as shallow as a puddle, seriously like, what positives would come out of telling her shes fat, do you realise how hurtful that would be, lets put it this way, if she said you had a tiny willy but its ok you can get an enlargement done, would you not be a little offended?

That's a ridiculous comparison to make. A man is born with a certain size penis and he has no control over how big it is. Everybody is responsible for their weight and it is something that can be controlled once you follow a healthy eating plan and get some regular exercise.

I'm a slim girl but it takes a lot of self discipline for me to maintain my shape. I have a sweet tooth and crave chocolate like I do cigarettes but I only eat a few squares as oppossed to the whole bar which is what I'd actually like to do. I'd much rather go home from work, throw on a DVD and scoff ice cream but instead I go for a walk and cook a healthy stir fry. It's called self control.

OP, if you are no longer attracted to her because of the weight gain that doesn't make you shallow, it makes you human. Like others have said, suggest joining a gym together and eating more healthily but if she's not willing to make an effort to keep herself in shape then call it a day.

You deserve to be with someone you're hugely attracted to.

I think if you're married and your partner gets sick or something and loses all their hair say then you should stand by their side, through sickness and health and all of that but this is just agirl you're seeing.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

i have been going out with my gf for 4 months now and its going really well.we get on and have aot in common.i like her alot but there is one thing thats stopping me from falling in love with her and now sometimes i see her i think of breaking up.it s killing me.basically when i met her she was a little chubby and since then she has gained some more weight. with every little bit of weight she gains the less i see that beautifull girl that i want to fall in love with.she even said jokingily she might gain a ''winter coat'' in the coming months. im not superfical but i cant help how i feel.i dont want to go out with a girl how keeps gaining weight.(controversial) basically if i say something like ''babe i think your getting fat could you lose some weight as you have an amazing frame'' sureily she will just dump me.if i dont say anything i will end up dumping her. any advice as i do really want to be with her.

Oh dear.

You don't want to go out with a girl who keeps gaining weight - this is something you need to communicate to her, preferably without getting the head boxed off you.

However, it's not up to you how your girlfriend looks, it's up to her. She has a right to be with someone who loves her for who she is and not how much she weighs, just as much as you have a right to be with someone you find attractive.

I dunno, this is always a complicated one. From my point of view, if a boyfriend of four months told me I needed to lose weight I'd be showing him the door. I don't think there's any way you can put that across to her without hurting her or pissing her off. So you need to decide whether you can live with it, or not.

Oh The Humanity

It is a minefield this one.

He is not shallow because he is not attracted to her as she gains weight. As many pointed out you like who you like and you are not obliged to pretend its not an issue for you if it is.

The girl sounds like she has a lovely unselfconscious attitude to her weight which I think is absolutely refreshing in this day and age. I really think it would be horrible if she started getting hang ups etc

Maybe despite your common interests for this reason it might not be worked out. But maybe it will.

Managing ones weight is hard. For me its almost a full time concern and I know a lot of women are in the same boat. Lucky is the woman who can nosh on fryup's, biccies and anything she wants for dinner. Yet, in the main men can do this with no issue. Its a different world and that why I think many women kick off when men come to them with this.

The sexes were not dealt fair hands as far as this goes and its important for that to be remembered. Even girls where you look at them and think they have it easy have to battle daily with diets, excersize, slimfast, weightwatchers or whatever it takes and still consider themselves to be 'incorrect'

The war on weight is never won. For many women its a lifetimes work to keep a size 8 or 10 and it does suck a lot of pleasure out of life.

So OP, if you bring this to the table thats what you are asking of her. There is always a price to be paid for everything.

Some women are lucky to have a fantastic body and eat anything they like, but most to attain and maintan that, work non stop. The same diet rarely works twice so you may have the same girl with a slim body but the price to pay will be another layer of work and sacrifice that never ends for her. She may be cranky and loose her sunny personality at times.

Zoodlebop

Unregistered wrote: »

i have been going out with my gf for 4 months now and its going really well.we get on and have aot in common.i like her alot but there is one thing thats stopping me from falling in love with her and now sometimes i see her i think of breaking up.it s killing me.basically when i met her she was a little chubby and since then she has gained some more weight. with every little bit of weight she gains the less i see that beautifull girl that i want to fall in love with.she even said jokingily she might gain a ''winter coat'' in the coming months. im not superfical but i cant help how i feel.i dont want to go out with a girl how keeps gaining weight.(controversial) basically if i say something like ''babe i think your getting fat could you lose some weight as you have an amazing frame'' sureily she will just dump me.if i dont say anything i will end up dumping her. any advice as i do really want to be with her.

Well, from my point of view, the idea that you are unable to fall in love with someone because they are a bit fatter than you'd like means that you aren't meant to be together.

Initial attraction is certainly part based on the physical, but for me, love has pretty much nothing to do with it. If you can only fall in love with a slender babe, then she deserves someone better.

For me, the right decision would be to break up. Gently. Staying in the relationship would, I think, only be fooling the both of ye.

I don't mean to sound harsh and I totally see where you're coming from. I just don't think you love her or could love her, even if she was skinny. I don't think it works like that. If that is the case, and you know that now, 4 months in, then you owe it to both of ye not to keep on for the sake of keeping on.

spank_inferno

Its not really a mine field.

You liker her, but if you lose attaction then your sex life will falter.
if you dont break up with her because you perceive it as being shallow to do so you may start to resent her anyway thus poisoning your relationship.

Be straight without being devastating.
If she cant react in a rational adult way then that will make help make your decision that much easier.

And this is the same thing as "My boyfriend started smoking 20 a day" or "my girlfriend drinks 30 units of booze a week".... because some day it will all cause potentially irreversable damage to your body.

Weight gain is an issue, it can detract from a relationship and can damage the lives involved.

Its not shallow to think this.

iguana

If you think that she won't respond well to the suggestion that you go to the gym together or you try it and it doesn't work, you could sign the two of you up for dance classes. Dancing is a good aerobic work out which doesn't really feel like exercise and dancing together is romantic and sexy it would seem less like you were going to the gym and more like you want to do something special with your girlfriend.

LegacyUser

OP dont listen to the people calling you shallow, people are attracted to who they are are a attracted to and yes a lot of people are not attracted to overweight people, same can be said for people who are too skinny.

It's not your fault she has let herself go and you're no longer attracted to her but when you're bringing up the subject be as gentle as possible. I'd put it to her that you're worried about her health, I honestly would be if someone I knew started gaining too much weight.

But in the end it's not a matter of you being shallow, you dont have to tip-toe around this issue... it's not her natural body type obviously if she is gainging weight so she can help it (ie. some people are naturally larger, it seems in this case she's not), she can lose the weight but it's just a matter of someone actually saying it to her at the risk of hurting her feelings.... otherwise she's probably clueless to the fact that it's a major turn off for you.

wexford202

You are not shallow my friend you are being honest.

Often when we get settled in a relationship we tend to let go of ourselves a little.

When we first go out with you we are all make up, yummy perfumes, sexy undies and Brazillian waxed.

Then a couple of months slip and we:
- Find ourselves in the cookie jar
- asking you to squeeze our spots (Only some occasions yuck yuck)
- grannny knickers
- stop shaving have foxter pits instead of oxters

Your girl is at step one now and eating all the pies, she will for sure move to the other steps too the more relaxed she is.

Why don't ye exercise together and say that the TWO of ye are starting to let yourselves go (It always semms so much better even if you are still a dish) and either walk a good bit.

You could be really bad and buy her a puppy (Irish Wolfhound kind) which needs ten walks a day.

ohdelightful

first of all she is not going to be impressed! so what she has put on a little weight if after 4 months you cant like her for who is is and what she has to offer than there is nothing going for the relationship. Your to bothered by what she looks like to concentrate on the relationship going further.

Could it be that posssibly she has just started on a new pill that doesnt agree with her ?? You mentioned the winter coat comment, this means she has obviously noticed herself and not meaning to be smart but there is no nice way to tell your gf she needs to shed some pounds, she'l be upset and probably hurt.

Maybe start going for some romantic walks or some sort of couple activity or you really could get down to the business and work it off together ... a much more pleasurable way to do it!!!!!!!!:rolleyes:

Toots

Can open - worms everywhere

shellyboo wrote: »

I dunno, this is always a complicated one. From my point of view, if a boyfriend of four months told me I needed to lose weight I'd be showing him the door. I don't think there's any way you can put that across to her without hurting her or pissing her off. So you need to decide whether you can live with it, or not.

+1 to this. I think realistically you're not together long enough for you to be suggesting to her - gently or otherwise - that she needs to drop a few pounds. Is she happy with the way she looks? If so, I'd suggest leaving well enough alone.

What sort of weight gain are we talking about here? Is it like a size 12 increased to a 14? Or are you talking more like a 14 up to an 18? She's obviously aware that she's gaining weight cos she's made that 'winter coat' comment, and if ye were together a year or so maybe you could sit her down and gently point out that she's gained weight and you're worried about her from a health POV.

As someone else suggested, you could maybe take up an activity yourself and ask her to join you. Maybe a dance class or something (yeah I know you're a bloke and that might not be your cup of tea) but Salsa dancing and the like is a great way to shift the pounds and it's actually a great laugh too. It'd also be a bit more subtle than something like "oh I joined a gym and got you a membership too." which basically translates to "I think you're fat." unless she's actually expressed a wish to start going to the gym.

LegacyUser

I think if you really like her she deserves to know how you feel about the situation. Maybe it would be of help to motivate her to lose the weight. Women do tend to gain weight in a relationship i think, they feel secure and happy and eat! if I was her I'd want to know so i could decide what to do. She may have gained weight for certain reasons you're unaware of (thyroid problems, stress etc) and its only fair if you discuss it with her maybe and not break up with her without her getting chance to change if she decides wants to. Its likely she made the Winter Coat joke to test your reaction to her weight gain. She's trying to make light of it but she may be worried on the effect its having on you.

I'd advise not to be hasty because it is so hard to find someone you really connect with, forsaking happiness for a few pounds would be a shame.

Bottle_of_Smoke

shellyboo wrote:

I dunno, this is always a complicated one. From my point of view, if a boyfriend of four months told me I needed to lose weight I'd be showing him the door.

Why exactly? Even if you had gained weight? IS it a girl thing? I gained a few pounds around the belly/waist in my last relationship and my girlfriend was straight on to me about it!

Ciara2008

Harsh....but I can see your point.

My only concern is that people tend to have a "natural weight" they stay at when they live day to day in the fashion they are used too....

Unless you take on a diet, which as all girls know is hard work...you need to change what you eat, and take up exercise and the hardest part is keeping it up.

To me, your girlfriend sounds comfortable with herself being the size she is, that's a nice quality. I would be fairly aware of my size, I'm an 8-10 but i need to watch what i eat and stay active to maintain that - the words "I think i'm growing a winter coat' or whatever would never pass my lips, I'd never allow it, but also i wouldn't want my other half to hear that from me.

My point is, she's comfortable with herself, she must be comfortable with you...you even broaching this subject is going to change that.

Maybe make it obvious u like slim girls, u find them attractive, or suggest going for walks and stuff. Subtle hints should be enough like that. I would never outright say it because there's not nice way to hear something like that, and weight shouldn't be that much of a make or break thing.

If it is, then break up with her.

No one is perfect. If it wasn't her weight it could be something else botehring u.

Good luck

onimpulse

schumacher wrote: »

I think its unfair to suggest to her to lose weight. She could develop issues with her weight down the line.

Forget about your PC line here & think for just one second... it's good if she develops issues with her weight. Being overweight is bad for your health - type 2 diabetes, heart disease etc etc never mind the physical discomfort from chafing - if that is you have the energy to cart all that extra weight around - and if you don't - now it's affecting your quality of life and in this case the girl will prob get dumped...

She needs a bit of a wake up call if you ask me - you don't have to be harsh about it but she does need to hear it - if she develops "issues" with her weight well maybe that's no harm - she may act because of it & avoid all the stuff above!

Dudess

Or she may get depressed and start comfort-eating...

You're not shallow OP - don't mind that nonsense. In fact you seem to be anything but - there are guys who'd dismiss her first day for carrying a bit of extra weight.
Don't say it to her bluntly either though - that's not being "PC" :rolleyes: just sensitive. Probably most women have a crap body image so don't do anything to ignite that - suggesting sporting activities is a great idea, also bring her for meals to restaurants that do really good quality food (not stodge).

Overheal

Sex - great exercise, great fun. Do it in the mornings and it will fire up your metabolism for the rest of the day.

You can also cook for her, and thus be in charge of arranging something other than fast food etc.

legend365

Wait another year then say it to her....


Seriously you've only been going out with her for 4 months.

This doesn't sound like somthing thats gonna change TBH.

If you dont like it now, you wont further down the line. Best to let her know that your not right for her IMO.

schumacher

onimpulse wrote: »

Forget about your PC line here & think for just one second... it's good if she develops issues with her weight. Being overweight is bad for your health - type 2 diabetes, heart disease etc etc never mind the physical discomfort from chafing - if that is you have the energy to cart all that extra weight around - and if you don't - now it's affecting your quality of life and in this case the girl will prob get dumped...

She needs a bit of a wake up call if you ask me - you don't have to be harsh about it but she does need to hear it - if she develops "issues" with her weight well maybe that's no harm - she may act because of it & avoid all the stuff above!

Dont you think she knows shes getting fat. People look in the mirror. As for the health reasons everyone knows that being overweight is bad for you and you are at risk from type 2 diabetes etc. Yet alot of people are fat even though they know its bad for them and its unlikely that reminded of a fact they already know will motivate them to lose weight.

OP- i will just give you my opinion on this but your gf could be different. If i was going out with a fella and he tole me lose weight after only going out 4 months I would dump him. Thats just me though. ( Before I get a smart reply Im not fat - size 10) Maybe you can tell her and maybe she will change but maybe not.

madmac187

Man I will be honest, I am a fan of the curvy women. Truly and honestly. The way around this, tell her that you want to loose a few pounds and ask her will she help you along the way, do exercising and watch each others diet together. Thats the best way. This way it will bring both of you together and it will be good for both of you.

Thats my too cences.

Oh and every body leave a common on the relationship thread in the social forum if you're interested in a singles dating forum. Remember we want YOU!:cool:

kjl

OP you're not shallow at all.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I dated a girl for a while and when we started the relationship she was a little overweight, not normally my type but I overlooked it because she was nice.

We start hanging out a lot and she was constantly drinking, which I don't do so that was a turn off, but the times she didn't stay in mine I would drive her home and she would ask me to stop in the shop, where she proceeded to buy a ton of sweets and crisps and coke.

Now being relatively fit myself I was discussed by this behavior. She got worse and worse and worse until one day I realised I wasn't attracted to her any more.

I broke up with her and she asked me for the reason, I said I had too much in my life and wasn't prepared for a serious relationship at the moment.

She the asked me if it was due to her weight, I told her that it was a factor, I said that I can't be around someone who has such terrible habits. She was mad, but took the advice on board, went an lose all the weight, and now looks amazing. So sometime you do have to be cruel to be kind.

I know your situation is different, but I though that maybe my story might help you out.

GL with your situation

useful_contacts

tbh you are v shallow. when my fiance met me i was skinny, and believe me im far from that 6 years later

Remember darling no matter how skinny your wife is when you meet her- after kids she wont be that anymore. You have to be prepared for that. Other wise you will end up alone.

If my fiance told me to lose weight or he would leave id kick him out the door. Loving someone means you love them weather they are 5 stone or 25 stone

Id love my fiance no matter how fat he got(and i know this as he put up 4 stone in the 1st 3 years we were together) Sorry but your shallow no matter what way you butter it up. If you keep judging women on their weight you will never be happy. womens weight changes deal with it!

kjl

useful_contacts wrote: »

tbh you are v shallow. when my fiance met me i was skinny, and believe me im far from that 6 years later

Remember darling no matter how skinny your wife is when you meet her- after kids she wont be that anymore. You have to be prepared for that. Other wise you will end up alone.

If my fiance told me to lose weight or he would leave id kick him out the door. Loving someone means you love them weather they are 5 stone or 25 stone

Id love my fiance no matter how fat he got(and i know this as he put up 4 stone in the 1st 3 years we were together) Sorry but your shallow no matter what way you butter it up. If you keep judging women on their weight you will never be happy. womens weight changes deal with it!

sure, but this guy is only seeing this girl, he is NOT in love with her, and is finding her less and less attractive everyday. Its not shallow to not be attracted to someone you are not dating

onimpulse

useful_contacts wrote: »

tbh you are v shallow. when my fiance met me i was skinny, and believe me im far from that 6 years later

Remember darling no matter how skinny your wife is when you meet her- after kids she wont be that anymore. You have to be prepared for that. Other wise you will end up alone.

If my fiance told me to lose weight or he would leave id kick him out the door. Loving someone means you love them weather they are 5 stone or 25 stone

Id love my fiance no matter how fat he got(and i know this as he put up 4 stone in the 1st 3 years we were together) Sorry but your shallow no matter what way you butter it up. If you keep judging women on their weight you will never be happy. womens weight changes deal with it!

I think you're unfair calling the OP shallow - you're not bothered by weight gain, neither is your fiance, but then neither of you can afford to be - you both put weight on so people in glasshouses & all that...

If he's bothered it's not shallow - it's just a normal human reaction, the overeating and lack of exercise that lead to being over weight are not healthy habbits - there will be health problems down the line if it continues & in my view is part of the evolution process and how we select the most suitable partners - by suitable we instincitively are programmed to look for healthy. Overweight isn't healthy and some people will thus find it a turn off.

As for your comment on women won't be the same size after kids - I'm going to be killed for this but that's just a lazy excuse for putting on weight and not trying to lose it. I'm a women by the way before you go crazy on that one. Secondly, most women do in fact lose the weight - the one's who don't generally it wasn't having kids that made the difference it was their attitude, they suddenly thought like you that now they had an excuse & let themselves go. It doesn't have to happen. Your body won't the exactly as it was before the kids but there is no excuse for being fat.

LegacyUser

I think that most people cant help who they fall in love with regardless of many factors ie looks size personality etc and for you to say you already know u wont love her cause she put on a few pounds should have cleared it up for you. This has simplified your problem by putting up a post, sounds to me like your battling with your conceience to break up with her. In the long run you are only hurting her by dragging it out. When i got my with fiance i was perfectly curved i managed to put on over 2stone and he never looked at me any differently at the same time i have managed to lose the weight again, like all new relationships you go on lots of dates eating desert, nights in with popcorn sweets etc no wonder the pounds are piling on..like me it was a phase i let it go on and then i took control and got rid of it again for my health and i can tell you himself loves me as much as a fatty as he does now as ms average

LegacyUser

Physical attraction is an instant feeling,if you have stuck it out for this long you must like her somewhat and its not alllll about how she looks. I understand a mans need for eye candy,after all your are visual creatures, but realistically how much weight could she put on in just 4 months? Ive said it before that if shes put on THAT much she has noticed it before you have and this is a bigger problem for her than you. Show me a woman who hasnt obsessed with her weight and I'll eat my hat. I think telling her she is getting fat is a terrible idea,could have serious mental reprocussions (sp?) If you dont fancy her let her go..someone else will!

Wagon

If my girlfriend asked me to lose weight i wouldn't be offended. If she got fat id lose attraction to her too. I thin physical attraction is important in a relationship so you aren't shallow because you want that. Anyone who says you are is just being a little short sighted.

Taltos

My wife told me I wasn't fat when I asked.
"you're just my little teddy-bear" - nough said - that with the doc telling me to shed a few has me running, cycling, you name it - if it causes sweating and weight loss I am doing it.

See - there are other ways to get this across - but sometimes it is your perception that is off. Or it could be hers...

MelonieHead

Is it possible that she's actually relatively happy with her weight? Certainly the "growing a winter coat" comment sounds like it came from someone with a comfortable body image, who wouldn't mind if she did gain some weight.

You could somehow broach the subject and be told "No, I'm happy with my size." Seeing as she is overweight, and you are going out with her, she could very easily be under the impression that you find this attractive. Unless you've specifically told her otherwise, it's understandable if she does think this.

Eve_Dublin

MelonieHead wrote: »

Is it possible that she's actually relatively happy with her weight? Certainly the "growing a winter coat" comment sounds like it came from someone with a comfortable body image, who wouldn't mind if she did gain some weight.

You could somehow broach the subject and be told "No, I'm happy with my size." Seeing as she is overweight, and you are going out with her, she could very easily be under the impression that you find this attractive. Unless you've specifically told her otherwise, it's understandable if she does think this.

This makes sense. I would never presume someone who's only going out with me for a short time would have a problem with how I looked...or else why would he be going out with me? As Melonie said, the "winter coat" comment is too cutsie for a girl who's unhappy with how she looks...plenty of girls would have no qualms about telling their boyfriend they feel fat and ugly.

To be honest, I think 4 months is too short a time to say anything to her. I think it would result in a smack across the face and an "eff-off", particularly if she's no problems with how she looks. If you don't fancy her, then I think you should end this.

mynamesjay

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

But saying "I can't fall in love with someone who's fat" is just silly in my opinion. If you TRULY care for the person, you wouldn't consider leaving as an option, and would do your best to try and help her lose weight more for her actual health and less for your own satisfaction.

I disagree with this strongly, he is not being superficial in wanting her to maintain a healthy weight and appearance. Weight issues say a lot about the type of person who has them and I would personally prefer to go out with someone who likes to maintain a healthy body and mind. That doesn't mean i don't find overweight women attractive, it just means i don't think i could go out with someone long term who didn't maintain a healthy lifestyle. Also it is respectful to your other half to want to stay looking good for them.

Also, of course if someone gains weight for something beyond there control: pregnancy, disability etc is not the same as someone who just lets themself go.

Wibbs

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If you don't fancy her, then I think you should end this.

Maybe I'm too black and white, but thats what it would boil down to for me. All relationships have the tendency to settle. Or at least you see more of the person compared to when you first date and that's a good thing, but if something arises that is an issue for one partner, especially this early on then I can't see it improving. For me it wouldn't be the size issue as such, more the feeling that the person concentrates on looking a certain way in order to get a partner and then reckons love conquers all after they have one. The crash dieting to get into the wedding dress syndrome. One of the male versions of this would be the sudden drop off of romantic gestures down the line. Both are saying "I have him/her now so lets stop working at it". Their default setting is not as advertised.

If that is the case here and you're not happy or are not finding her as sexually attractive, especially after just 4 months when most are in the throes of Lurrve is blind and horniness, then it sounds a bit off IMHO.

I wouldn't even bother with bringing up the weight angle. It'll not end well, it's unlikely to change anything permanently and others are right, her weight is her own business. It's your business if it affects you though.

shellyboo

mynamesjay wrote: »

I disagree with this strongly, he is not being superficial in wanting her to maintain a healthy weight and appearance. Weight issues say a lot about the type of person who has them and I would personally prefer to go out with someone who likes to maintain a healthy body and mind. That doesn't mean i don't find overweight women attractive, it just means i don't think i could go out with someone long term who didn't maintain a healthy lifestyle. Also it is respectful to your other half to want to stay looking good for them.

All valid points... but in that case, don't date someone overweight to begin with. You shouldn't go into a relationship wanting to change someone from the outset. She wasn't a healthy weight to begin with, she was always a little overweight.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

i have been going out with my gf for 4 months now and its going really well.we get on and have aot in common.i like her alot but there is one thing thats stopping me from falling in love with her and now sometimes i see her i think of breaking up.it s killing me.basically when i met her she was a little chubby and since then she has gained some more weight. with every little bit of weight she gains the less i see that beautifull girl that i want to fall in love with.she even said jokingily she might gain a ''winter coat'' in the coming months. im not superfical but i cant help how i feel.i dont want to go out with a girl how keeps gaining weight.(controversial) basically if i say something like ''babe i think your getting fat could you lose some weight as you have an amazing frame'' sureily she will just dump me.if i dont say anything i will end up dumping her. any advice as i do really want to be with her.

Hi OP. Look, it's really not that complicated. She is too fat for you. And I believe that is a completely legitimate problem.

However you need to realise that you can't change people. She is clearly happy in her body and anything you do to try to change that will first of all be temporary and secondly, she will always resent it for however long you would be together.

Take a lesson from this and learn from it. Move on and find someone you can love for how they are now, without needing to be changed.

All the best

mynamesjay

shellyboo wrote: »

All valid points... but in that case, don't date someone overweight to begin with. You shouldn't go into a relationship wanting to change someone from the outset. She wasn't a healthy weight to begin with, she was always a little overweight.

A little overweight is not a major health issue. I would gladly go out with someone a little overweight who still maintained a healthy lifestyle (exercise etc). However its the change from being a little overweight to more overweight that the OP is talking about. He never said he had issue with her being a little overweight to begin with. I'm not saying people should expect people to change as it is an unrealistic pressure to put on someone in a relationship and is not fair. The issue in this case is not that she is overweight but that she seems happy to gain more.
I personally think if she really is happy to gain more then he should not bring up the weight issue with her and just do what he feels he needs to. It would be worse of him to bring it up with her if she is content with it. If she is gaining weight and not happy with it then they should discuss her problem and the underlying cause for her sake moreso than his.

moo_moo_crazy

Seeing that she realises that she has put on weight you could mention that you are worried about how much weight she has gained. It might also be a good idea to find out if she is experiencing any problems that might be causing her to gain weight.

You are only with her for 4 months so it might be too soon to talk about wanting to fall in love with her. I think you need to think about what you really want. It isn't a good sign if you are finding problems so early in the relationship. If it was going as well as you say it is you wouldn't be considering dumping her.

bSlick

OP just end it and be done with it. 99% of people don't change, she's not going to lose this weight, bar you break up with her and she has to attract a new bf. Amazing how some women will let themselves go to sh*t in a relationship and as soon as its over get themselves in shape....if they only kept themselves in shape in the first place they might still be in the relationship. The fact is you are already losing attraction for her and she has only started to gain the weight. You mightn't have realised it yet but how she looked at the beginning of the relationship was as good as its going to get because the longer the relationship goes on the further she gets into the comfort zone. I can guarantee she is going to get alot fatter so if you aren't up for it now, you will have an even bigger problem in 6 months.

RuailleBuaille

bSlick wrote: »

OP just end it and be done with it. 99% of people don't change, she's not going to lose this weight, bar you break up with her and she has to attract a new bf

Psychic as well as bitter?

bSlick wrote: »

Amazing how some women will let themselves go to sh*t in a relationship and as soon as its over get themselves in shape....if they only kept themselves in shape in the first place they might still be in the relationship. .

Amazing how you think this only applies to women. :rolleyes:

bSlick wrote: »

The fact is you are already losing attraction for her and she has only started to gain the weight. You mightn't have realised it yet but how she looked at the beginning of the relationship was as good as its going to get because the longer the relationship goes on the further she gets into the comfort zone. I can guarantee she is going to get alot fatter so if you aren't up for it now, you will have an even bigger problem in 6 months.

Seriously? Have you ever actually BEEN in a relationship? The reason I ask is that your response seems to leave no room for communication, which IMHO is the fundamental ingredient for any successful relationship. You don't think the OP should even TRY and make his feelings known? Just dump her because you, an invisible face on the www, can GUARANTEE his GF will get fatter?

OP I don't think you are shallow or superficial, you can't control what turns you on, but if you like this girl as much as you say you do I think the decent thing to do would at least be to let her know how you feel, gently, as others have said, and see how she responds. If it doesn't bother her then you have your answer. If it does, maybe you can work on it together - plenty of fun ways for a couple to exercise But it would be a shame to end a promising relationship without expressing yourself. Maybe you saying it would be the spur she needs?

starchild

I think you should sit down and talk to her and the sooner the better for you both. Physical attraction is hugely important and if you are losing that for her then the relationship is doomed as it stands.

I wonder if your girlfriend was given a choice that was

a) be dumped and given no reason

or

b) asked to have a discussion where you put forward as best as you can that you still want to be with her but that you are finding yourself less attracted to her because of the weight gain

I would guess that she would choose the discussion every time, yes its a sensitive matter and yes she will certainly not feel to good when you tell her but if you can offer her enough reassurance that you still want to stay in this relationship then i think it has a chance to survive.

Moving around the issue without coming straight out with it isnt going to solve the problem. Its best to do it now and let her decide what to do.

How many times do we see posters who are upset over the physical side of their relationship being ended or who have just been broken up with and they dont know why. One conversation could prevent this happening.

You may get the reaction you are hoping for or indeed you may find that she breaks up with you because of it but i think if that happens it was only a matter of time anyway.