Online Dating - Shallow?

LegacyUser

Another thread about internet dating sorry!

So I'm in my 40's and having spent the last ten years parenting alone, I finally decided it was time for me, and time to find someone so I registered with a few sites - seems the easiest way.

After about a week of mailing/texting a guy, we met and the first thing he said to me was 'You don't look a bit like your photo' (in a bad way!). Now, I'm not throwing flowers at myself at all here (in fact, I'd have quite low self-esteem), but I'm attractive and slim (or so I've been told!) and many male and female friends often ask why I'm not dating etc etc. So needless to say, this first negative comment set the night off for me and it was a disaster. No spark and we didn't meet again.

Went back on the site deciding this one experience wouldn't put me off internet dating - don't want to put my photo on the site but I've texted my photo to a few blokes and then nothing! Few e-mails back and forth and then once they see my photo, nada!

I know this online dating isn't 'real' life but it's really knocked my confidence!! Honestly, some of these men are awful looking but appear to be witty etc, which is why I'd reply to their mails (I try not to judge people by their looks). So are men on online site EXTREMELY confident in their own looks or are they just looking for an anoerexic leggy blonde 22 yr old to date??? I'm just finding them all very shallow, and I don't want to go out with a shallow man.
And honestly, I AM attractive and it's a nice photo of me so I'm not sure what's happening but I think I'll give up this online stuff! Appreciate if you could reply if something similar has happened or to offer advice??? Thanks

Otis Driftwood

Ibvariably,when people put their pictures on a dating site,they are going to put up one that they feel they look most attractive in and the difference in real life and a posed photo can be quite significant.

Online dating is by its very nature a shallow exercise.I dont give a damn what anyone has in their profile,if the other person doesnt find you attractive it doesnt make you unattractive,it just means those particular guys didnt find you attractive.Its no slight on you or what you look like,its just how people are.

I have to say though,the guy you met saying you didnt look like your photo in a negative way was pretty feckin rude.

I wouldnt let a few guys that didnt respond knock your confidence,its the nature of the beast so dont take it to heart.

LegacyUser

Yes, he was actually a bit of an idiot to be honest!! He tried to back-track mind you by saying he meant it as a compliment...this coming from a balding red-head, overweight guy with 4 kids and an ex wife!!! (nothing against balding red heads mind you!!)

For a while, I was mailing about 4 different men though - all seemed really nice and interesting but you really can 'recreate' yourself on the internet, can't you? Some of them were constantly asking for a photo and I just thought hey, if this guy only wants to meet me after he sees what I look like, he's too shallow for me..one guy is still texting asking for a photo after 3 wks..he's coming across as quite weird tbh but keeps saying he wants to meet me, but wants to see what I look like first...

I'm getting to the stage where I'm afraid to send a photo because if they don't reply, well they don't like what they see, right?

I dunno, how else do you meet a man in these days of technology when all around me seem to be meeting men online?? I'm at a loss but don't think I'll bother with the online stuff again...

VaioCruiser

Hi OP...

There is absolutely nothing wrong or shallow about net dating. It's bloody difficult to meet people in life, especially in our 40s. The truth is that it is HUGE in Dublin, Ireland and all round the world.
But remember that in one respect it is no different to dating in the real world, you will inevitably meet jerks as well as decent people.
I have done a bit of it myself and came across quite a few women that were totally obnoxious in different ways. But I also met some sweet ladies.

I believe that it is a waste of time emailing back and forth again and again in the 'virtual' world. You find someone of interest - you contact them - they contact you - you suggest a coffee - you meet and bob's your uncle ... it's either a hit or a miss...... and you move on....

All the best.

Otis Driftwood

Try putting your picture on your profile for a while.

At least then,blokes that mail you will know what you look like.

I know some people dont want to do this because they are afraid someone they know will see them but in fairness,if someone they know does,big wow,they are on the dating website too!

Trixielicious

nedtheshed wrote: »

Try putting your picture on your profile for a while.

At least then,blokes that mail you will know what you look like.

I know some people dont want to do this because they are afraid someone they know will see them but in fairness,if someone they know does,big wow,they are on the dating website too!

Completely agree! Oh and use an up-to-date photo too, in fact take one now and try to be completely relaxed. In fact get a friend to take the pic, that way you will be laughing about the whole thing and it just looks really natural and you look happy and fun!!!

When I was internet dating I found I got more response by having a pic on my profile. I had the same experience you had, people not replying after I had sent to pic so I thought why waste time building up a connection with somebody and then have them ruin it after they saw my pic. A couple of months later I met my BF online and 9 months on things are going really well!!!

LegacyUser

Wow trixie..that gives me hope!

I understand what you're saying about you thinking it's a waste of time mailing back and forward but seriously, what if the guy was a stalker or something? Or a nutcase? i don't want to meet a guy who I sent one e-mail to..I'd be terrified...am I over-reacting??

Really don't want to put the photo up...would be far too embarrassed...

Trixielicious

Unregistered wrote: »

Wow trixie..that gives me hope!

I understand what you're saying about you thinking it's a waste of time mailing back and forward but seriously, what if the guy was a stalker or something? Or a nutcase? i don't want to meet a guy who I sent one e-mail to..I'd be terrified...am I over-reacting??

Really don't want to put the photo up...would be far too embarrassed...

I don't mean the mailing in general is a waste of time. I was too embarrassed, like you, to put my pic on my profile, got chatting to a few guys, spent ages getting to know them, sent my pic and then nothing! Nada! Not a sausage! I was devasted, felt I was the ugliest person in the world, deleted my profile. Then one night, 2am to be exact, I woke up and said that's it, I'm setting up a profile on a different site, pic and all, there has to be somebody out there who finds me attractive. Next day I got my hair cut and coloured (needed to be done badly!!! :P) and I got my sis to take my pic, she made me laugh so hard and the resulting pic was perfect, I just looked natural. Put the pic on my profile and hoped I wasn't making a t*t of myself. Didn't check my profile for a week and when I did I had some winks, a couple of nudges, and 3 emails. So things went from there. Was chatting to a few guys, nothing major came of it and then a couple of months later got an email from a lovely dublin guy and as I said before 9 months on things are great!

You really need to bite the bullet and take the pic!!! At least then you know any guy who winks, nudges or emails you is already interested because they know what you look like. Go for it!!! Bull by the horns and take the plunge!!!!

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Wow trixie..that gives me hope!

I understand what you're saying about you thinking it's a waste of time mailing back and forward but seriously, what if the guy was a stalker or something? Or a nutcase? i don't want to meet a guy who I sent one e-mail to..I'd be terrified...am I over-reacting??

Really don't want to put the photo up...would be far too embarrassed...

OP ... there are standard basic rules for online dating that deal with this huge fear you have. Most sites have these rules prominently displayed.

It starts with meeting in a public place......

Yes you are over reacting. What if you met a guy in a pub or nightclub ? what is the difference ? How can you tell when you bump into a guy in a pub and start chatting that HE is not a stalker or a nutcase ? How does HE know you are not one ?

Follow basic rules and meet up. Forget the emails.

All the best.

LegacyUser

hi op..I'm a guy and had the same story as you..Eventually got courage and put a photo on my profile and it never happened again..Only thing was e-mails would fizzle out fairly soon..So then decided organise a date fairly quickly and just see how it goes? It worked well for me and Ive met some lovely women..Take the plunge and meet early on,but keep your wits about you,and always tell someone where your going!!

G86

I really think you need to put your picture up, that way you'll only get replies from guys who are definitely interested, and you won't feel rejected by them not replying. Did you ever consider though that they might actually feel that you're out of their league once you send the pic? I mean alot of guys I know think like that; stupid as it is to do so. I think that's far more likely than it being anything negative about your looks.

LegacyUser

My sister is a genuinely good looking girl..... sent a pic of herself through to someone she was chatting to online..... he never responded and then blocked her as a friend.

I think that most guys online are genuine. There are then those who wink at everyone... they cast their nets wide and see what follows.

I dated online for a while. I never had my pic up and met up with a girl who didn't have hers up. We met up. She was cute. Went out for about 6 months.

Gave up on it then for a while. Ended up chatting to a girl a year later. Looked cute in her pic. It was an extremely flattering pic. She wasn't attractive (to me) in person and her pic hid the fact that she was overweight.

But, I was a gentleman, stayed chatting for the evening. Regardless of looks, we had different outlooks on life and wouldn't have been suited. I mailed her the next day to say that it was fun (wasn't particularly) but that to be honest, it didn't seem like we were suited.... she never responded.

I never had my pic up (I'd be considered alright but I just didn't want the world seeing me up there). But, by having a true representation of yourself up there, you'll hear from more guys.

And do meet up early to see if you have a spark (having said that, the girl I went out with, we bonded over our emails..... we both love to write).

Good luck

G-Money

As a male who has tried online dating in the past, it's not just men who seem shallow. I remember exchanging a few emails with one girl and then sent a photo and her reply was something along the lines of "With a photo like that, you shouldn't be so choosy".

Plus there's been the odd time where I've been in contact with girls, getting on grand, swap pics, you never hear from them again. It's kind of annoying, especially as I think if they sent me my their pic and I didn't reply, they'd lay on the guilt trip.

mood

Maybe they did reply because they know you. Slim chance I know but it could happen.

shellyboo

It's not shallow to want to know if you're going to be attracted to the person you've spent a month talking to online.

You kind of have the wrong attitude to the whole thing - if you're ashamed or embarrassed to be online dating, you're not going to get very far. Put your picture up, that way the men who DO mail you, you'll know they know what you look like and you'll know they're interested.

It's no more shallow than real-life dating... you wouldn't walk up to someon in a pub/club that you didn't fancy or wasn't your type - is that shallow? You can't create attraction, it's a basic requirement for dating.

Judes

I'm almost 45 and met my bf a few weeks before my 40th online. My advice is do it - and follow your heart!!!

I see loads of posters here saying put your photo straight up - I never did, I liked being anonymous. Others are saying meet quickly - we didn't. Myself and bf were in daily email correspondence for 3 weeks. Also, he's in a different county to me - so meeting up wouldn't have been an easy option. But this worked to our advantage - we just clicked - our emails became longer and longer and we were writing novels to each other. All questions answered honestly -and as the days went by I realised we had so much in common, even our writing style was similar (I mean phraseology) so a few days before we met I had a friend scan a pic of me and send directly to him, just so he knew who he was meeting - as I didn't have a clue how to do this myself.

So by the time we met for lunch 3 weeks later in a very public place, I felt like I was meeting my new best friend. And 5 years later he's still that.

Yes, there were a few creepies on the site and one or two corresponding who wanted to meet me immediately for coffee - that freaked me out, I thought I'd like to talk a bit more, get to know a person first. I think you have a gut instinct and know the good from the bad, especially at our age.

A lot of my friends have met their partners on line, even went to a wedding a few months ago through online dating. So don't be put off - there are shallow people everywhere - both on-line and off! And when other single girls and guys tell me they have had a bad experience on-line and wouldn't do it again I remind them - we've all had bad dates/relationships with people we've met in pubs, parties, wherever - but we don't stop going to pubs, parties because of a bad experience - we just get back out there again.

Just chat to people and have a laugh - view the experience as meeting new friends - flirting/chatting/laughing. Don't do it to "find Mr/Ms Right" if you went into a pub/party with that attitude you'd scare the hell out of potential dates, I think if you have the same attitude on-line then it's scary and off-putting and almost methodical like, roll em up, next!?*

I don't want to sound unsympathetic re. the fact that there are some total b'stards or b'tches out there - but to reiterate - they are everywhere - whether on-line or in social venues etc. and I think stating that on-line dating is shallow is very unfair.

I recently found copies of the original correspondence between myself and bf - and reading through it, I felt really happy and it reminded me why I love him so much. He was my "pen-pal" so I felt like I was being "courted" which was nice and old fashioned in this crazy fast paced world we live in -but bless emails and the quicker responses! And remember "LIFE BEGINS AT 40" Get out there and enoy!!!

LegacyUser

as a girl in her late twenties, who casts a wide net; dates men in their fifties and beyond; always interesting,charming, charismatic professionals (i have an ma myself so i appreciate a man with a bit more of the old grey matter sometimes) and also around the 19/20/21 mark;only if they are handsome, to be enthusiastic and to have fun with. I am not shallow, I just appreciate that different things can be found in different packages.

I say if you are not looking for someone to be too serious with i.e settle down I think you should be after someone younger or older to explore your sexuality with who could appreciate you and take care to find out that they do not have alot of baggage to bring you down, i mean "balding red-head, overweight guy with 4 kids and an ex wife " gee that does not sound like a lot of fun. imagine coming out with that on a first date and expecting it to be all roses.a pig with high standards, ha.

my own mam is in her mid forties and with a man her own age who started out normal and nice but now takes her for granted entirely, ruined her lookswise as he leaves her to do all of the hard man work around the place, and basically has her in a corner. you don't want a jaded fortysomething, you want to be cherished. or "courted" as judes above put it.

be honest in your profile, and have a candid shot, along with one on a night out, and a full body, along with the posed one's so that people can get a good idea of what you look like.
talk as long as you can with them too, spur of the moment meet ups rarely go well as there are men who apply "the formula" to dating sites and are just players. good luck!

p.s. you have to rate yourself, love yourself, have high expectations of yourself and never, ever give a guy like piggy no.1 a chance.

LegacyUser

Yeah have to say i get a fair ammount of shallowness from girls also.
And tbh due to the ammount of emails girls get they can probably afford to be shallow much easier.

Also in relation to meeting up, obviosly go somewhere public and all that but best is a lunchtime meet, that way it is limited to an hour, so if its going crap or there is akwardness you know its only for an hour and don't really have to try think of excuse to go early.

Loopsie

now no one jump down my throat..........im well aware as much as everyone else how much of a task it is to meet 'the one' now but im completely against online dating.............the internet has made it easy for bot men and women to be 'weird'. the amount of creeps on those sites.......I have no doubt there are some very genuine people on there but majority are creeps and in reality have partners/wives/husbands/children at home while they mess around on the net..........you have no idea really who you are talking to when you talk to them and from a girls perspective i find most men on them are just looking for their holes!

Monkey61

Loopsie wrote: »

now no one jump down my throat..........im well aware as much as everyone else how much of a task it is to meet 'the one' now but im completely against online dating.............the internet has made it easy for bot men and women to be 'weird'. the amount of creeps on those sites.......I have no doubt there are some very genuine people on there but majority are creeps and in reality have partners/wives/husbands/children at home while they mess around on the net..........you have no idea really who you are talking to when you talk to them and from a girls perspective i find most men on them are just looking for their holes!

I think in life one has to accept that quite a lot of people are weird. It happens. Even online though it is usually pretty easy to spot the odd ones off the bat. And as for men just looking for sex - well, in my experience quite a lot of pubs, clubs etc are full of men and women just looking for sex. Equally, quite a lot of pubs and clubs are full of "creeps" cheating on their partners.

With a little common sense, it is as easy to avoid unsavoury types online as it is in person. And so what if you do meet a few weirdos? Isn't that part of the fun of life in a way? At least you'll have some hilarious stories to tell.

Don't be put off OP. Do put up a picture - there is no point otherwise. And also meet up as soon as possible, because at least then you will know. My current girlfriend, I met online. We went for coffee two days after we started emailing, I just thought why not - and we have been together ever since. Previously to that I had spoken to a girl everyday for weeks, super long emails, seemed like we had loads in common, was totally smitten with the emails, but then we met and for some reason just didn't work in person at all. Nothing to say to each other.

Internet dating is fun because you get the chance to meet people and have experiences that you never would in a million years otherwise. So embrace it, enjoy it and just have fun with it!

ManOfMystery

Loopsie wrote: »

now no one jump down my throat..........im well aware as much as everyone else how much of a task it is to meet 'the one' now but im completely against online dating.............the internet has made it easy for bot men and women to be 'weird'. the amount of creeps on those sites.......I have no doubt there are some very genuine people on there but majority are creeps and in reality have partners/wives/husbands/children at home while they mess around on the net..........you have no idea really who you are talking to when you talk to them and from a girls perspective i find most men on them are just looking for their holes!

Then they would have been creepy and weird whether the internet is there or not; thats their personality. The only difference now is the exposure level. If anything, it's sometimes easier to spot the internet weirdos than the charming guy who you meet in a bar, only to discover a week later that he's married with kids.

Liam Byrne

Going back to the OP's topic, I think internet IS shallow; whatever about meeting someone and wanting to see how it goes by meeting up a few times, internet dating now means that - girls in particular - will probably be on a few dates over a few weeks (or even days) so instead of getting to know each other properly you're "competing" with other guys.

Of course, you could argue that the medium is only as shallow as those using it.

Emme

Unregistered wrote: »

as a girl in her late twenties, who casts a wide net; dates men in their fifties and beyond; always interesting,charming, charismatic professionals (i have an ma myself so i appreciate a man with a bit more of the old grey matter sometimes) and also around the 19/20/21 mark;only if they are handsome, to be enthusiastic and to have fun with. I am not shallow, I just appreciate that different things can be found in different packages.

I say if you are not looking for someone to be too serious with i.e settle down I think you should be after someone younger or older to explore your sexuality with who could appreciate you and take care to find out that they do not have alot of baggage to bring you down, i mean "balding red-head, overweight guy with 4 kids and an ex wife " gee that does not sound like a lot of fun. imagine coming out with that on a first date and expecting it to be all roses.a pig with high standards, ha.

my own mam is in her mid forties and with a man her own age who started out normal and nice but now takes her for granted entirely, ruined her lookswise as he leaves her to do all of the hard man work around the place, and basically has her in a corner. you don't want a jaded fortysomething, you want to be cherished. or "courted" as judes above put it.

be honest in your profile, and have a candid shot, along with one on a night out, and a full body, along with the posed one's so that people can get a good idea of what you look like.
talk as long as you can with them too, spur of the moment meet ups rarely go well as there are men who apply "the formula" to dating sites and are just players. good luck!

p.s. you have to rate yourself, love yourself, have high expectations of yourself and never, ever give a guy like piggy no.1 a chance.

You're giving this lady good advice but you shouldn't judge your mum so harshly. When you're in your 20s there are plenty of fellas, but once you hit 40 the choices aren't so great. Remember it's socially acceptable for men of 40 and older to date much younger women (and you have experience of that) but not vice versa. So we older women tend to be left with the dregs. You mum is making the most of what she has. If a woman is over 40 and wants to be with someone nine times out of 10 she has to make compromises, big time.

I personally think that online dating is a waste of time and can be souldestroying. It works for some but not for others. If it hurts, don't persist in dragging yourself down. Meet people face to face instead! I'm in a few clubs and have made friends but not met anyone through this and probably won't. My advice to all women of 40 and over - good crack with a nice bunch of people is better than a bad date. It's not so bad being being on your own if you have good friends. You can do without sex. Some of the happiest, longlived and fulfilled women are nuns!

mariaalice

as regards the original post i realy think you have to have a photo on your profile..whats the reason for not having your photo up ..if you embarrassed or have issues about people seeing you on a dating site you'll give off a negative message to people ..putting you photo on you profile says your open and secure in yourself ...

you cant extrapolate form one good or bad experience about Internet dating..i think its very sad that anyone thinks that just because you a woman over forty you have to make huge compromises to find a relationship..

fermoycailin

I definitely think you should put your photo up there. I don't think its shallow if people eliminate by photo - as this is what we do in real life anyway - think of a night club and who you spot as 'cute' or 'good looking'. Its not an insult to those that you don't like but a compliment to those that you do like.

There is little you can do about who you are attracted to - its a fact of life and is one of the nicer reasons for not being chosen as there is nothing you can do about it. Just think of a time that you were in a pub and thought someone you saw was nice - was that an insult to all the others in the pub?

By putting up your photo, it means that you will eliminate those that are not attracted to you, and leave you with your true potential matches. This will get you to potential dates alot faster, even though there might be fewer to choose from - wouldn't you prefer to choose from a smaller group with greater potential?

I have just started the online dating myself and am enjoying it - there are plenty of single people out there with good reasons for being single. Like me - worked my ass off for the past few years and before I know it, I turned around and all my friends are married, so I don't have many people to go out with, so decided to take matters into my own hands to meet new people and hopefully someone nice along the way.

I would suggest meeting up quickly after getting in touch with someone so that ye don't build each other up to be something that they aren't.
Lastly, enjoy the experience because you'd never know - if you're lucky, it may not last too long ;-)