Pregnancy and relationships.

Neverwhere

I'm having a lot of trouble, and I don't know if i'm in the right, or if I'm being over the top. But I'm a mess over it, and it would appear that apparently "it's all my fault".

It seems my fiance isn't really a man, or isn't capable of stepping up to the plate right now. He's in Oxford and I've been left on my own here in Dublin. (he lives over there). I've had to step it up, grow up a little bit and put my unborn babies needs first. Whether it be finances, time spent resting (despite the fact im so busy), a huge increase in food bills to make sure I'm getting the right nutrients. I'm doing everything on my own with virtually no support. It's extremely exhausting and draining mentally, emotionally, physically.

It feels like the OH and I do nothing but fight. And to be honest with you, I feel like calling the wedding off most of the time. Love isn't enough. I feel like I do so much better on my own, he just drags this situation down, and I do not want to be stuck with two children. I'm going to need support when this baby is born....not someone making things harder.

4 or 5 weeks ago I went over to his house in England to break the news to his parents, and his dad reacted badly. He was actually kind of mean. Going around saying this child was a mistake and it was the worst thing that could happen. We're not children, not asking for his advice or his help, so I kind of wish he would have just ****ed off. I spent the week trying to walk everyone else through the pregnancy while I was in shock and needed some support myself. His father actually put me under so much emotional stress I was so il i couldnt get out of bed....as soon as I left to get a plane home I was ok again and havent had very severe symptoms since.

OH came home with me to tell my family. He was geat th first couple of days, but the second half of the week was a disaster. I needed help with the house, which he did fine at first, but after a while he seemed to resent it and i had to nag. He seemed to resent the fact that we never went out and he was "bored" and would complain about it. Nevermind the fact I would walk for five minutes and id need to sleep for an hour. I wasn't sleeping well at night and I would keep him up or wake him up going to the bathroom 4 times a night, or hog the blankets accidently because he was using my tummy pillow. He'd wake up in a foul mood and pissed off at me...nevermind the fact i was up all night uncomftorable. He would make it a fight, and i've not cried so much since he's left.

I think im getting pregnancy depression. Even though he's not here he still manages to make things difficult, stress me ouit and make me cry. He has no friends, and expects me to listen to everything he has to say or entertain him. Now that im pregnant i have more on my mind, and more to do. We get in fights because at the end of the day all i can say is "ok" and "yeah". He gets angry because he wants to have decent conversation....of which im expected to start despite the fact ive been hugely busy all day at work, packing to move, running to the shop etc.

Or we'll talk about the baby
And he'll start getting all mopey because he's going to miss baby's first kick...or what if i go intp labour early and he misses the birth. And then he ****ing sits there and gets all depressed and practically cries about it to me. I can't handle that. Because i have the same worries but i have to be the strong one? what? And it makes me feel bad because it's taking the joy out of my pregnancy. Because anything time something big happens, im going to feel guitly and want to avoid talking to him, I won't get to be happy and excited about it for very long.

So i told him this. I said we needed to set up some boundaries as things like this were upsetting me and stressing me out when i didnt need to be. He got all mopey and mad about it, and i explained there were just certain things like that we couldnt talk about to me, he said he had no one else, I said I was sorry but he needed to talk to a third party about those concerns. I have enough of my own, I can't walk everyone else through there's.

Last night was very bad. He has all these important things to do over in the UK with housing etc, (****ing get n with it already) so he can't come over for a while. I was trying to scope out his dads attitude to see if a visit would be a bad idea. His dad was still sounding pretty cold towards me, and I just made a comment about it. Not a bad one, one he;s agreed with, i was just saying i was nervous. He started making digs at my own father who's been nothing but wonderful to him and saying i needed toget over it it happened "ages ago" and he didnt mean anything by it. It happened up to am onth ago, it wasnt ages ago, and it affected my health badly. I told him i didnt want to return to england while i was pregnant. He started this massive attack and fight on me for no reason. Claiming i seem to "hate" him all the time, which i don't. That i resent him for not being here. Which i don't. (actually with this behaviour its a releif) He called me a complete and utter psycho because of my mood swings ( i tend to get on his case about major things he does like this in fairness. But by the time I do that im usually sobbing) even though im not bad compared to a lot of pregnant women. Not to mention i feel like a freak anyway and he destroyed myconfidence. He then said he had no one to talk to and childishly threw the fact that i didnt know he was suicidal in my face because he's not allowed talk to me about him. I said no such thing. I said certain baby things.
He got mad at me because im not always very clear minded. Duh? I had to explain that to him. He didnt understand how to understand it. It's very simple really. You'll just have to accept the fact my memory isnt great and i cantalways think clearly.

The fight ended in me sobbing on the phone to my mother for an hour, abdominal cramps and a few contractions. I was so stressed, am still worried today.

I'm sorry for the detail. I need to know. Am I in the wrong? Am I a really bad person? Am i getting angry for ntohing? His behaviour normal? I feel like im going crazy without this.

lolli

Op,

You need to stop stressing yourself out for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of your unborn child. I think that your partner and his family are being very unsupportive of you. Are you living on your own? Could you move back in with your parents? You need support from people right now, not all this fighting.

You say about two children are you expecting twins or do you already have a child? What age are both of you?

I'm 25 my boyfriend is 23 and we are expecting our first child. This is a time you need someones love and support. How long pregnant are you? I'm almost 19 weeks.

Neverwhere

Hi lolli.

No when I say I feel like I ave two kids, I mean I'm pregnant and it feels like my fiance is the second child.

I'm only 11 weeks, and will be 21 in a few months.

Unfortunately I do live on my own and can't move back in with my parents as I am the 5th child and they have no room for me.

I've had to tell the fiance I need a break from the relationship as all I want to do is take care of myself and the baby, and I know this stress is just damaging. Still, I find the break on the relationship and postponing the wedding upsetting enough, so it's stressful either way.

lolli

Have you got friends around you so that they can support you? Are you living far from your parents?

Maybe its for the best if you put a stop to everything until you and your OH sort out this mess. He should be here to support you.

supremenovice

Hi Neverwhere,
From an outsider looking in, it seems like him and his family are selfish ******ds.
If I was you, Id kick him to touch to teach him a lesson and he'll soon realise how much he means to you.
If the baby isnt even here yet and he wont help you with the day to day chores, it doesnt bode well for when the baby arrives.
Best wishes for whatever you decide to do

Dfens

supremenovice wrote: »

Hi Neverwhere,
From an outsider looking in, it seems like him and his family are selfish ******ds.
If I was you, Id kick him to touch to teach him a lesson and he'll soon realise how much he means to you.
If the baby isnt even here yet and he wont help you with the day to day chores, it doesnt bode well for when the baby arrives.
Best wishes for whatever you decide to do

+1, relationships are hard enough sometimes even when people really love each other & want to make it work, even more so when you throw a baby into the equation.
Try the break for both your and the baby's health, get support from your family & what happens happens, try not to worry too much about it so long as you and baby are healthy.

loismustdie

neverwhere, im so sorry to hear bout your situation. i think his parents hav to keep their noses out, you he and your baby are a family unit now, does he not see this? i think you should post him a book for fathers i think there's one called, the expectant parent, find one anyway that outlines exactly what you'r goin through and why you'r bein a "psycho" cos lads just don't understand. are you sure you really want a break? i really feel for you cos pregnancy hormones are bad enough. don't feel bad if you feel the need to keep postin on this thread don't feel like you'r bein a moanbag or anythin cos i know what it's like hope you'r feelin ok other than this and that you are enjoyin havin your thoughts to yourself xxx

Neverwhere

Thanks guys. Your replies made me feel a little bit sane. I was starting to think i was the whole problem there.

Thanks to a little bit of rest at a friends house, my mind is a little clearer. We've still been fighting, and I still keep explaining it all to him, which seems to create more fights. So this afternoon I told him that I'd had enough. I wanted to break it off. I'd send him the ring in the post.

I'm really serious about it, and that seemed to sober him up a little. He had some time to think and he begged me for a second chance. I've given him a trial one. But have warned him this is the last time I'm doing this.

I guess I'll just have to see how things go over the next week or two.

Thanks for all the advice and lois -- thanks for the book title. I think I might do just that.

I'm seriously exhausted at the moment with trying to pack up and move by myself, so he;s been warned the first sign of an unnecesary grump he'll be talking to the wall for a while!

If nothing else it will be good training for when the babies a toddler?